Son out of rehab - thinking he is using again already.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 2
Son out of rehab - thinking he is using again already.
Hello -
I am the mom of 3 sons - my oldest is 30 yrs old & just out of his first-time in rehab (was there 30 days). He had an opiate addiction and I know he has also done heroin (injecting it). He had nowhere to go when he got out of rehab & since I really wanted to give him the best option of staying sober, my husband (not his father) let him come here to our home to stay for a while until he gets a job, saves money to get his own place, etc. - gets on his feet.. Problem is that his actions since he's been out of rehab are very questionable to me.. I think he is taking something - either the old stuff he used to take or something else. Since he's been out, he has not tried to stay away from old druggie pals or places - he has been out & about - staying out very late at night or early morning or even overnight at these places. He hasn't been very determined either in finding a job - he sleeps in late, plays around on his computer, etc. He has been home 3 weeks plus a few days from rehab and I don't see a lot of change or desire to start fresh. I believe he lies to me straight to my face. I have asked him point blank if he is doing anything at all and he says no - that 'he doesn't have the money to do that .. but 'if he did, he would probably do it once every other week.. but he wouldn't get addicted again'. ?? I know enough that once you have issues with drugs, you cannot go back & just 'casually use'.. you have to completely do a 180 change. He asks for money all the time, even to the point of asking me if I have anything he can 'return' to a store for cash or anything he can 'pawn'.. I'm afraid he is going to start taking things from our house to sell.. He hangs around with his 'old crowd' and like i said, comes & goes when he feels like it. He lost his ID - so last Monday he asked me in front of my husband for $ to get a new one.. I went with him to make sure he did get a new one.. then, he needed money for a new bike tire.. (we gave him the $ but he never got it but was gone for HOURS).. My husband went out & bought one instead and my son made out that he couldn't find one in the same store.. He did give the $ back to us. Last night, he biked over to his old drug friend's apartment, called me to say his back tire 'popped' and that he needs to repay his 'friend' for a can of Fix-A-Flat (though it didn't work on the tire). . asked me again for $ - I didn't give it to him. He takes my cell phone (& his brothers' phones) without asking, used his brother's bike without asking.. he just takes & hangs on to things & it's hard to get them back! I went over at midnight to pick up the bike last night & he plopped my phone on the carseat, then said he was going to 'stay overnight' at his drug pals place.. and that he would have to 'clean his house, do his dishes, etc' to 'repay him for the Fix-A-Flat can. ?? He supposedly has a job that he just got at a local fast food place in town last Friday but couldn't start orientation until today @ 11 a.m. - when it got to 11 a.m., I reminded him & he said "oh no. it's a 1 p.m." .. then it got close to 1 p.m. & he said that he 'called' & the gal who was supposed to train him called off sick today, so now he has to go tomorrow instead.. Too many open-ended questions - things that don't feel right or seem right at all. He has lied to me before & I think he is doing it again. I don't want to see him homeless, but frankly, if he's doing anything again, I don't want him here in my home doing drugs.. I have 2 other sons, 19 & 13 and my husband is also 5 yrs sober from cocaine & alcohol (went to rehab) so I don't want anything or anyone messing with his sobriety under his roof. What does this sound like? I mean, I FEEL like it's a bad situation and that he is doing his thing again.. and taking advantage of staying here.. I haven't caught him doing anything but it certainly wouldn't surprise me. He asks me for money on a daily basis and like I said, he's gone for hours .. (it's after 2 a.m. now & he has been gone since 10 p.m.) - where? I don't know.. but he has my youngest son's phone again ..
What should I do? and if he is using again, how do I get him out of my house (even though I would feel bad tossing him out)?
I believe he has already made another bad decision .. but I don't want this going on under my roof. Thanks for the input.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 97
I would say your instincts are right. Looks like he didn't make any gains in rehab..Opiates are hard to kick.. My daughter is on her 4th inpatient rehab.. She is planning on a year for this one including sober living...You are right that you can't have him living with you.. especially, if he thinks he can use occasionally !! WTH!! He can always go to a homeless shelter..Get hm out.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 38
Im sorry you have to endure this and your husband not his father is supporting your in this struggle which is great to have someone have your back. I know from being a mom we want to do everything for our son. But your son is 30 from your post I dont think he taking his sobriety seriously you need to not make things to easy and comfotable for him. I know from them being addicted it makes them do things they would not normally do but you need to stop enabling him. I hope I dont sound mean or harsh just trying to be honest I know its eaiser said then done.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
.Hello Lamkln
First I want to say I am sorry to read what you are going through & welcome to "our family
I didnt have to read far into your post to see the manipulations of an addict at play bc I have been in your shoes. I have been through years with 4 adult children trying tohelp them get on with their lives. I have spent lots of money and time and they are still where they were back then. I am a little wiser but can never let my gaurd down. The hardest part in all of this is accepting that the children I raised & nutured are gone. Maybeone day they will resurface but I realize it will not be by my timeclock or pocketbook.
I encourage you to read all you can about codependency issues esp those dealing with parents of adult addicts and wish you & your family well. I will keep yor family in my prayers.
Mama to Mama hugs
First I want to say I am sorry to read what you are going through & welcome to "our family
I didnt have to read far into your post to see the manipulations of an addict at play bc I have been in your shoes. I have been through years with 4 adult children trying tohelp them get on with their lives. I have spent lots of money and time and they are still where they were back then. I am a little wiser but can never let my gaurd down. The hardest part in all of this is accepting that the children I raised & nutured are gone. Maybeone day they will resurface but I realize it will not be by my timeclock or pocketbook.
I encourage you to read all you can about codependency issues esp those dealing with parents of adult addicts and wish you & your family well. I will keep yor family in my prayers.
Mama to Mama hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Your son's behavior is not acceptable even if he is totally sober. He is an adult acting like a spoiled child. A person doesn't have to use drugs to be immature.
My son came home after rehab and I was advised here to not let him live at home. Even when someone truly wants to recover, living with parents is not a good idea. Perhaps for a short while, until other arrangements can be made with the goal of the person living else where. It is not good to be the watching eye over our adult children's every move. During rehab arrangements could have been made for our son to go to a sober living facility. My husband said no to that. He thought we could provide a safe place for our son. However, when our adult children come back to live with us they often leave behind the adult.
My son when he came home decided AA or NA was not for him. That was the first red flag. He relapsed a couple times while living at home with us. I was already sick and tired of him not working, so after the second relapse seven months after he came to live with us, I started making boundaries and moving out was on the top of the list. He is doing much better now.
My son came home after rehab and I was advised here to not let him live at home. Even when someone truly wants to recover, living with parents is not a good idea. Perhaps for a short while, until other arrangements can be made with the goal of the person living else where. It is not good to be the watching eye over our adult children's every move. During rehab arrangements could have been made for our son to go to a sober living facility. My husband said no to that. He thought we could provide a safe place for our son. However, when our adult children come back to live with us they often leave behind the adult.
My son when he came home decided AA or NA was not for him. That was the first red flag. He relapsed a couple times while living at home with us. I was already sick and tired of him not working, so after the second relapse seven months after he came to live with us, I started making boundaries and moving out was on the top of the list. He is doing much better now.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
You are right to be concerned that he will begin to steal your things. You absolutely should get a safe deposit box and put all of your valuables in it right away.
My 22 year old son is an opiate addict as well -- has been to several rehabs and detoxes and is just as hooked as ever. When I saw him hanging around his old druggie friends, skipping work, and making a ton of excuses for needing money (busted tires was a favorite of his as well), then I knew he was using. My gut was always right, of course. He hasn't lived under my roof for a long time, but 3 years ago, after his first rehab, I let him come home like you did. My boundary was that if I even suspected drug or alcohol use (see above behavior indicators) then he would be asked to leave. He broke curfew and then I found a tequila bottle in his car -- I woke him up and gave him 15 minutes to get out. I changed the locks that day.
I'm glad you found SR. You'll get much needed support here -- we've been in your shoes. Welcome.
My 22 year old son is an opiate addict as well -- has been to several rehabs and detoxes and is just as hooked as ever. When I saw him hanging around his old druggie friends, skipping work, and making a ton of excuses for needing money (busted tires was a favorite of his as well), then I knew he was using. My gut was always right, of course. He hasn't lived under my roof for a long time, but 3 years ago, after his first rehab, I let him come home like you did. My boundary was that if I even suspected drug or alcohol use (see above behavior indicators) then he would be asked to leave. He broke curfew and then I found a tequila bottle in his car -- I woke him up and gave him 15 minutes to get out. I changed the locks that day.
I'm glad you found SR. You'll get much needed support here -- we've been in your shoes. Welcome.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
A sober living facility is a much better option for them when they come out of rehab. They will have rules to follow and must find a job. It helps prepare them for living a sober life outside of rehab.
He's 30 years old. He knows what to do but chooses not to do it. Unless you want to deal with a full blown addict doing all the things full blown addicts do, then tell him to hit the road. Addicts are very resourceful. If he can figure out how to get his drugs, he can figure out how to find a place to live and get a job.
He's 30 years old. He knows what to do but chooses not to do it. Unless you want to deal with a full blown addict doing all the things full blown addicts do, then tell him to hit the road. Addicts are very resourceful. If he can figure out how to get his drugs, he can figure out how to find a place to live and get a job.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by lamkins514 
I went over at midnight to pick up the bike last night & he plopped my phone on the carseat, then said he was going to 'stay overnight' at his drug pals place.. I don't want to see him homeless, but frankly, if he's doing anything again, I don't want him here in my home doing drugs.. I have 2 other sons, 19 & 13 and my husband is also 5 yrs sober from cocaine & alcohol (went to rehab) so I don't want anything or anyone messing with his sobriety under his roof. What should I do? and if he is using again, how do I get him out of my house (even though I would feel bad tossing him out)?
I believe he has already made another bad decision .. but I don't want this going on under my roof. Thanks for the input.
I believe he has already made another bad decision .. but I don't want this going on under my roof. Thanks for the input.
Is hubby not stepping up because it's your son?
He's got you playing warden already which is a very stressful job. Next you'll be wanting to drug test him to verify what you already know to buy yourself some more time.
If you can't bear to kick him out on the streets, pay for his first month in an Sober Living Environment and then tell him he's on his own. Use the month to educate yourself here so you can do it right next time.
If he doesn't want to go to an SLE because he's on drugs again, he probably shouldn't be in your house reeking mental/financial havoc on everyone.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by lamkins514
Hello -
He had nowhere to go when he got out of rehab & since I really wanted to give him the best option of staying sober, my husband (not his father) let him come here to our home to stay for a while until he gets a job, saves money to get his own place, etc. - gets on his feet..
He had nowhere to go when he got out of rehab & since I really wanted to give him the best option of staying sober, my husband (not his father) let him come here to our home to stay for a while until he gets a job, saves money to get his own place, etc. - gets on his feet..
Give him the gift of dignity to bear the consequences of all his his choices and behaviors. There is no hope for recovery, without consequences.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Get him out. I'm the mother of a 21-year-old RAS and I love all of my sons with every breath in my body, so it's not as though I don't know the struggle that goes on in a mother's heart. But GET HIM OUT. Re-read every single word the other posters have written. As kmangel said, his behavior is unacceptable, drugs or no drugs!
As suki mentioned, Sober Living Environment. As BD suggested, pay for the first month. As tjp said, lock up the valuables/cash ASAP. Pay attention to all of the experienced, compassionate people on SR. You have younger siblings in the house, your husband has to maintain his own sobriety. GET THAT 30-YEAR-OLD MAN OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!
It is absolutely the most loving thing you can do for him.
It is also one of the hardest. If you don't attend Naranon, Alanon or Families Anonymous or Codependents Anon, I strongly encourage you to go to some meetings immediately. You will find the strength, information and support that you will need along with compassion, open-armed welcome, and ways to stay sane.
Wishing you a clear head and a calm heart. Sending you blessings and peace.
As suki mentioned, Sober Living Environment. As BD suggested, pay for the first month. As tjp said, lock up the valuables/cash ASAP. Pay attention to all of the experienced, compassionate people on SR. You have younger siblings in the house, your husband has to maintain his own sobriety. GET THAT 30-YEAR-OLD MAN OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!
It is absolutely the most loving thing you can do for him.
It is also one of the hardest. If you don't attend Naranon, Alanon or Families Anonymous or Codependents Anon, I strongly encourage you to go to some meetings immediately. You will find the strength, information and support that you will need along with compassion, open-armed welcome, and ways to stay sane.
Wishing you a clear head and a calm heart. Sending you blessings and peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Oh, and BTW. Best (lamest) lie son ever told to get cash: I have to pay back my Probation Officer because he/she lent me money.
XH actually fell for that one. Don't know which is sadder--the pathetic attempt, or the falling for it...
XH actually fell for that one. Don't know which is sadder--the pathetic attempt, or the falling for it...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
lmakins. I am sorry for what has brought you here yet glad you found us I believe you already know what is going on the real question here is what are you gonna do about it?
I know from my own personal experience how hard it can be I took my oldest AS to our local homeless shelter one year on Mothers Day it broke my heart but was necessary.
Are you doing anything for you such as Al-anon, Nar-anon or Families Anonymous that is a really good start.
Hugs from one mother to another.
I know from my own personal experience how hard it can be I took my oldest AS to our local homeless shelter one year on Mothers Day it broke my heart but was necessary.
Are you doing anything for you such as Al-anon, Nar-anon or Families Anonymous that is a really good start.
Hugs from one mother to another.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Lamkins, your story sounds so familiar. My son was in an in-patient rehab program for heroin addiction and behaved exactly as your son has behaved once he was out. Like you, I let him move back into my home. He was using again, of course. I learned later that he used the very day he was released from rehab. Based on your description of your son's behavior, I would be shocked to find out that he WASN'T using. As one of the other posters said, if he was in recovery, you'd know it. His behavior would be different, he would be focused on recovery, going to meetings or something similar.
I learned that it was a mistake to let my son move back in with me after rehab. I think that the sober living home is the way to go. I'm with BeavsDad - tell him he has to leave and offer to pay for a month in a sober living home. If he says no to this idea, he still has to leave, and it is up to him to find his own place to stay. It is not good for him or you or the young children in your house or your husband to allow your son to stay with you at this point. Allowing this is hurting everyone, including your AS.
I learned that it was a mistake to let my son move back in with me after rehab. I think that the sober living home is the way to go. I'm with BeavsDad - tell him he has to leave and offer to pay for a month in a sober living home. If he says no to this idea, he still has to leave, and it is up to him to find his own place to stay. It is not good for him or you or the young children in your house or your husband to allow your son to stay with you at this point. Allowing this is hurting everyone, including your AS.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for all your posts. I am very disappointed that he did not seem to take rehab seriously - I was thrilled to know he was finally going in (which was hard since he was on waiting lists for a long time because of no job/no insurance). The one that was a very big zinger to me was that on the way home, not even out of the town the rehab was in, he wanted to stop & get a drink. I assumed a Cola since it was very warm out & I was also drinking one.. I stopped at a CVS drug store and out he went, only to come back to me saying he needed a little more money. ?? I gave him a $5 thinking he would be giving me the change.. but out he came with a 6-pack of beer! He said he wanted to 'celebrate'.. YEAH.RIGHT! That was the 1st clue . . He has lived with my parents -namely my mom for years - I mean, YEARS.. (who just passed away a month ago - while he was in rehab actually). He was my parents' pride & joy & unfortunately, they overstepped their bounds & bought him things like cars, computers, etc. even though he didn't deserve them & even walked all over them. He wouldn't listen to them or my husband or myself (& his father was pretty much out of the picture), so he would play one against the other to get his way. When he got older, he did whatever he wanted pretty much & he was living there at my parents' house. I figured when he went into rehab, I would try one more time to give him the best offer that I could - staying here until he got on his feet. He bounced around pals places numerous times before he went into rehab as my mom had gone into nursing home. He didn't have her apartment to go to anymore. I know he misses my mom thoroughly - especially since she would give him $ anytime he wanted and yes, she knew what he was doing (drugs) but chose to 'believe he wasn't anymore'.. this morning at 2:30 a.m., he called me quite irrate saying that it was 'lightning' out & he hates lightning & to hurry & pick him up (he was less not all that far away from my home).. I drug myself out of bed & went to pick him up (yes, I'm stupid obviously) 
I told him do NOT call me at any time of the night or early morning to come get you when I am sleeping! I had to work today & he knew that. He came back here, plopped down on the bed he's been sleeping on & slept ALL DAY.. He got up about 5 p.m. & just took off (with my youngest son's cell phone AGAIN). I haven't heard from him since.. he told me nothing about leaving at all - and he KNOWS full well that he doesn't need to keep taking phones that don't belong to him. I have no clue where he is & frankly, I have that KNOWING he is w/ a drug pal & he is using - even though he tells me he isn't.. His actions do not connect with what he tells me. He doesn't seem to care .. He told us last Friday he had this fast food job lined up - well today was supposed to be 'orientation' (again) and he slept all day. I called tonight to that place to see if he was scheduled for it & they told me they don't even have an application for a job from him - does it surprise me? No. He lies to my face. He used to play it 'safe' around my husband but now, it seems he doesn't even care if he lies to him either. The gig is up. I don't want to see him homeless but frankly, he is creating more havoc being here. When he gets home (whenever that is), he will be told he can find himself another place to stay. I want him out by the weekend. I am not responsible for his actions and I have done as much as I can for him out of guilt and feeling badly for him but it's not HELPING him at all.. it's only dragging me & my other kids & husband down with him. I know I cannot control his actions or him. He is an adult - even though he chooses to play 'the child'. He's been riding the wave for a long time - had it made - but that ride is over .. I will not 'replace' my mother's role as 'rug' for him to walk over & I do not & will not be funding him for any thing. I love him & I will pray for him but that is all I can do. The rest is up to him.. Thanks so much for your help.
I told him do NOT call me at any time of the night or early morning to come get you when I am sleeping! I had to work today & he knew that. He came back here, plopped down on the bed he's been sleeping on & slept ALL DAY.. He got up about 5 p.m. & just took off (with my youngest son's cell phone AGAIN). I haven't heard from him since.. he told me nothing about leaving at all - and he KNOWS full well that he doesn't need to keep taking phones that don't belong to him. I have no clue where he is & frankly, I have that KNOWING he is w/ a drug pal & he is using - even though he tells me he isn't.. His actions do not connect with what he tells me. He doesn't seem to care .. He told us last Friday he had this fast food job lined up - well today was supposed to be 'orientation' (again) and he slept all day. I called tonight to that place to see if he was scheduled for it & they told me they don't even have an application for a job from him - does it surprise me? No. He lies to my face. He used to play it 'safe' around my husband but now, it seems he doesn't even care if he lies to him either. The gig is up. I don't want to see him homeless but frankly, he is creating more havoc being here. When he gets home (whenever that is), he will be told he can find himself another place to stay. I want him out by the weekend. I am not responsible for his actions and I have done as much as I can for him out of guilt and feeling badly for him but it's not HELPING him at all.. it's only dragging me & my other kids & husband down with him. I know I cannot control his actions or him. He is an adult - even though he chooses to play 'the child'. He's been riding the wave for a long time - had it made - but that ride is over .. I will not 'replace' my mother's role as 'rug' for him to walk over & I do not & will not be funding him for any thing. I love him & I will pray for him but that is all I can do. The rest is up to him.. Thanks so much for your help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Dear lamkins,
My prayers are with you, your family, and your son. May all of you find peace, health, and sanity. Stay strong, focused, and clear. SR will be here if/when you need to share more and receive more support and encouragement.
Blessings.
My prayers are with you, your family, and your son. May all of you find peace, health, and sanity. Stay strong, focused, and clear. SR will be here if/when you need to share more and receive more support and encouragement.
Blessings.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Lamkins, Just a few things to think about. Why give him til the weekend? If he becomes desperate (as my son was) he may steal from you. Simply pack up his things and when he shows up, show him the door and get the cell phone and house key.
Your son has not grown up yet and now is the time for him to realize the depth of his choices.
I will pray for your strength.
Hugs,
Teresa
Your son has not grown up yet and now is the time for him to realize the depth of his choices.
I will pray for your strength.
Hugs,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by lamkins514
The gig is up. I don't want to see him homeless but frankly, he is creating more havoc being here. When he gets home (whenever that is), he will be told he can find himself another place to stay. I want him out by the weekend.
Please make sure you and your husband are on the exact same page.
That way he can steer the ship if you start to cave into the manipulation.
Beware the siren song.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj
Hello Lamkins, Just a few things to think about. Why give him til the weekend? If he becomes desperate (as my son was) he may steal from you. Simply pack up his things and when he shows up, show him the door and get the cell phone and house key.
Your son has not grown up yet and now is the time for him to realize the depth of his choices.
I will pray for your strength.
Hugs,
Teresa
Your son has not grown up yet and now is the time for him to realize the depth of his choices.
I will pray for your strength.
Hugs,
Teresa
Absolutely. Lead time significantly increases the liklihood of theft and destriction of property.
I don't answer the phone in the middle of the night because there is absolutely nothing I can do for someone/anyone at 2:30 A.M. I do not allow my home to be used as a flop house. The Police and ER are in a substantially better position than I am to deal with true emergencies.
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