I'm confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Van can
Posts: 19
I'm confused
Hello all. I'm seeking advice. I have recently started dating someone who has been in treat ment for alcohol abuse.
He was in a 30 day treat ment program yet still continues to drink.
I have been seeing him for a little over 3 months and in that time I have notced he gets completely out of control when alcohol is involved. Stays out all night, misses work, does not call and leaves me worried, breaks things loses things and has even gotten violent. I have now gotten so fed up I have broken up with him but he is begging to come back and says he will go back to aa
The last time he had a "sitatuion" was last night. He stayed out all night and didn't call and got wasted.
Do I run for the hills? I have a lot going on right now. I just graduated and iam starting a new job in a new city and this all feels like a lot of bs I cannt handle with everything going on. I just want stability and someone who has self control. Ami being hard on him or sensible????
Help
He was in a 30 day treat ment program yet still continues to drink.
I have been seeing him for a little over 3 months and in that time I have notced he gets completely out of control when alcohol is involved. Stays out all night, misses work, does not call and leaves me worried, breaks things loses things and has even gotten violent. I have now gotten so fed up I have broken up with him but he is begging to come back and says he will go back to aa
The last time he had a "sitatuion" was last night. He stayed out all night and didn't call and got wasted.
Do I run for the hills? I have a lot going on right now. I just graduated and iam starting a new job in a new city and this all feels like a lot of bs I cannt handle with everything going on. I just want stability and someone who has self control. Ami being hard on him or sensible????
Help
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hi Randy,
"Do I run for the hills?" Yes.
Your are embarking on a new life having graduated and beginning a new job in another city. You will be meeting new people, learning new things, a lot awaiting you. Dump the dead wood and get on with your new exciting life.
"Do I run for the hills?" Yes.
Your are embarking on a new life having graduated and beginning a new job in another city. You will be meeting new people, learning new things, a lot awaiting you. Dump the dead wood and get on with your new exciting life.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please stick around and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand.
Were you looking for a long term relationship with someone who can't control their behavior, who can't remember to get to bed at a decent hour so he can get to work the next day, who forgets to behave as a mature adult ~ because it looks like that is what you had a relationship with.
I think you are a smart person for ending it with that personality.
Alcoholism is progressive and it gets worse if untreated. It seems this individual did treatment just to get people/law officials off his back. He is back to doing what he wants to do ~ drink, drink, drink.
He says he wants you back and is willing to do AA. Have you noticed that his actions aren't matching his words? That is typical alcoholic behavior. It is also common for the alcoholic to say anything and everything to get you back to being their caregiver.
I hope you leave this one to his own choices. You have the chance to live a wonderful life with a new career. You deserve to have a life of respect, love and serenity. Good luck to you!
Please stick around and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand.
Were you looking for a long term relationship with someone who can't control their behavior, who can't remember to get to bed at a decent hour so he can get to work the next day, who forgets to behave as a mature adult ~ because it looks like that is what you had a relationship with.
I think you are a smart person for ending it with that personality.
Alcoholism is progressive and it gets worse if untreated. It seems this individual did treatment just to get people/law officials off his back. He is back to doing what he wants to do ~ drink, drink, drink.
He says he wants you back and is willing to do AA. Have you noticed that his actions aren't matching his words? That is typical alcoholic behavior. It is also common for the alcoholic to say anything and everything to get you back to being their caregiver.
I hope you leave this one to his own choices. You have the chance to live a wonderful life with a new career. You deserve to have a life of respect, love and serenity. Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by Randy32 
Hello all. I'm seeking advice. I have recently started dating someone who has been in treat ment for alcohol abuse.
He was in a 30 day treat ment program yet still continues to drink.
I have been seeing him for a little over 3 months and in that time I have notced he gets completely out of control when alcohol is involved. Stays out all night, misses work, does not call and leaves me worried, breaks things loses things and has even gotten violent. I have now gotten so fed up I have broken up with him but he is begging to come back and says he will go back to aa
The last time he had a "sitatuion" was last night. He stayed out all night and didn't call and got wasted.
Do I run for the hills? I have a lot going on right now. I just graduated and iam starting a new job in a new city and this all feels like a lot of bs I cannt handle with everything going on. I just want stability and someone who has self control. Ami being hard on him or sensible????
Help
He was in a 30 day treat ment program yet still continues to drink.
I have been seeing him for a little over 3 months and in that time I have notced he gets completely out of control when alcohol is involved. Stays out all night, misses work, does not call and leaves me worried, breaks things loses things and has even gotten violent. I have now gotten so fed up I have broken up with him but he is begging to come back and says he will go back to aa
The last time he had a "sitatuion" was last night. He stayed out all night and didn't call and got wasted.
Do I run for the hills? I have a lot going on right now. I just graduated and iam starting a new job in a new city and this all feels like a lot of bs I cannt handle with everything going on. I just want stability and someone who has self control. Ami being hard on him or sensible????
Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Van can
Posts: 19
I appreciate the feedback..can't help but feel like I'm leaving behind this sad guy who can't pick himself up.. He's literally begging and I feel bad for turning my back. Am I a heartless cold person or is this how it goes when u break up with someone so needy and co dependent and emotional..
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You are not being heartless and cold. You are being a mature, healthy person who has decided to remove yourself from a toxic relationship.
I recommend reading in the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of this main forum page. I am always finding wisdom in those posts.
Here is an excerpt from an article about hooks that keep us hooked to unhealthy relationship partners:
Guilt
Maybe you are hooked by irrational guilt that you must think, feel and act in ways to insure that your relationships are preserved, secured and nurtured no matter what personal expense it takes out of you. You feel guilty if the your relationship partners are not succeeding or thriving without your personal resources, energy, money, time and effort going in to making such success happen. You have a problem of feeling over-responsible for the welfare of your relationship partners and cannot allow your partners to accept personal responsibility, to make choices and live with the consequences of these choices. This irrational guilt is a driving motivation to keep you tearing down your boundaries so that you will always be available to your relationship partners at any time, in any place, for whatever reason your relationship partners "need" you. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "My relationship partners and I are responsible for accepting personal responsibility for our own lives and to accept the consequences for the choices we make in taking care of our own lives. I am not responsible for the outcomes which result from the choices and decisions which my relationship partners make. My relationship partners and I are free to make our own decisions with no one forcing us to make bad ones which will result in negative consequences to ourselves if they should occur."
Here is the link to the remainder of the article:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
I recommend reading in the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of this main forum page. I am always finding wisdom in those posts.
Here is an excerpt from an article about hooks that keep us hooked to unhealthy relationship partners:
Guilt
Maybe you are hooked by irrational guilt that you must think, feel and act in ways to insure that your relationships are preserved, secured and nurtured no matter what personal expense it takes out of you. You feel guilty if the your relationship partners are not succeeding or thriving without your personal resources, energy, money, time and effort going in to making such success happen. You have a problem of feeling over-responsible for the welfare of your relationship partners and cannot allow your partners to accept personal responsibility, to make choices and live with the consequences of these choices. This irrational guilt is a driving motivation to keep you tearing down your boundaries so that you will always be available to your relationship partners at any time, in any place, for whatever reason your relationship partners "need" you. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "My relationship partners and I are responsible for accepting personal responsibility for our own lives and to accept the consequences for the choices we make in taking care of our own lives. I am not responsible for the outcomes which result from the choices and decisions which my relationship partners make. My relationship partners and I are free to make our own decisions with no one forcing us to make bad ones which will result in negative consequences to ourselves if they should occur."
Here is the link to the remainder of the article:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Meh, I used to think like you and just got sucked in my someone exactly like this. Angry, drinking all the time, having "incidents". Then I would get fed up and he would turn into Mr. Hopeless Sad Case, begging to come back, promising to change, telling me he loved me sooo much, he would be lost without me. You're not being a heartless bitch for rejecting a relationship that is unhealthy. I only wish I had realized it sooner myself. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
Hi there
Why would you want to stay ??
I like so many others fell into the trap of thinking that I could help.. Five years on 3 dui 3 rehabs I wish I had asked your question on SR. She is now my EX
Run.. you only have one life.. Even sober its no picnic.
Why would you want to stay ??
I like so many others fell into the trap of thinking that I could help.. Five years on 3 dui 3 rehabs I wish I had asked your question on SR. She is now my EX
Run.. you only have one life.. Even sober its no picnic.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
Run, before you get sucked into the BLACK HOLE that is alcoholism.
Most (not all, but MOST) alcoholics lie. They will tell you what you want to hear, when you want to hear it.
I doubt you will find many here that will tell you to hang in there with him, listen to their stories and advice.
Go live your life and forget about this person-the sooner the better.....
Most (not all, but MOST) alcoholics lie. They will tell you what you want to hear, when you want to hear it.
I doubt you will find many here that will tell you to hang in there with him, listen to their stories and advice.
Go live your life and forget about this person-the sooner the better.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Run, and Run Fast!
Welcome to the Forum! I am new here also, but have learned much by reading what has been posted and using the terrible experiences others have faced to help get through my days.
You need to run, and run away fast, and don't look back. You have a very bright future ahead of you, and this gut will only drag you into an abyss unlike anything you have seen. Love is a powerful thing, and it keeps people in relationships that are toxic.
You state, "he's willing t attend AA". Why hasn't he already? He seems to be using this flase hope to keep you around. What are you getting from the relationship? From what I could glean from your post - not much, if anything.
You're a young, smart girl, make a good choice and keep chasing your dreams, this guy isn't going to do you any good.
Good Bless and Good Luck.
You need to run, and run away fast, and don't look back. You have a very bright future ahead of you, and this gut will only drag you into an abyss unlike anything you have seen. Love is a powerful thing, and it keeps people in relationships that are toxic.
You state, "he's willing t attend AA". Why hasn't he already? He seems to be using this flase hope to keep you around. What are you getting from the relationship? From what I could glean from your post - not much, if anything.
You're a young, smart girl, make a good choice and keep chasing your dreams, this guy isn't going to do you any good.
Good Bless and Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Something that works for me is to look at the situation as if it was happening to someone else.
What would you say if your best friend came to you and told you the exact same story about dating someone was has an alcohol problem, misses work because of it and gets nasty and violent when drinking?
To me, when you take away the emotion the answer looks pretty obvious.
Your friend,
What would you say if your best friend came to you and told you the exact same story about dating someone was has an alcohol problem, misses work because of it and gets nasty and violent when drinking?
To me, when you take away the emotion the answer looks pretty obvious.
Your friend,
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Just read your second post and I reiterate what Pelican posted about guilt and add that alcoholics will pull the "poor me" trick on you. Been watching my A dad do this my whole life. They WANT you to feel sorry for them so that you will take care of them and whatever problems they have. Don't fall for it. This guy likely chose you BECAUSE you have a degree and have gotten a job. He probably chose you BECAUSE you are capable, reliable, independent, and successful. Those of us who are these things appeal to them, not for healthy reasons but so that we will be more likely to take care of them.
There is probably something else about you that also appealed to him, and that would be some personal weakness. I don't know if this is true for you just throwing it out there for you. For me, what appeals to alcoholics and addicts is that I apparently have low self-esteem, despite all of my educational and work accomplishments. I also am a caretaker and I baby people. I am working on these things with a therapist and am going to Al-Anon. You may want to do some investigating of yourself also to see where you can strengthen yourself.
There is probably something else about you that also appealed to him, and that would be some personal weakness. I don't know if this is true for you just throwing it out there for you. For me, what appeals to alcoholics and addicts is that I apparently have low self-esteem, despite all of my educational and work accomplishments. I also am a caretaker and I baby people. I am working on these things with a therapist and am going to Al-Anon. You may want to do some investigating of yourself also to see where you can strengthen yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Ask yourself this:
Would you willingly get involved with someone who was married or in a steady, long term relationship?
This person already has a life partner called Alcohol. They are already taken. No matter how much they beg and plead and seem to need you, they need to end that relationship for good before they get involved in anything else.
Let them go.
Would you willingly get involved with someone who was married or in a steady, long term relationship?
This person already has a life partner called Alcohol. They are already taken. No matter how much they beg and plead and seem to need you, they need to end that relationship for good before they get involved in anything else.
Let them go.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You will NEVER find stability with an active alkie.
You can forget about an A showing any self control. It absolutely CANNOT happen.
A new job and a new life awaits you. I would write this off as a learning lesson and embrace the promise of a brighter tomorrow.
You can forget about an A showing any self control. It absolutely CANNOT happen.
A new job and a new life awaits you. I would write this off as a learning lesson and embrace the promise of a brighter tomorrow.
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