Shutterbug1

My ABF is back from detox!! I was expecting a call today or tomorrow and wasn't sure if he would go to another treatment facility or if he would come home. I was actually hoping he would go for longer, but I got a call from him at 8:30am...he is home and not planning on 60 day treatment because he wants to get back to work (he lost his job a few months ago and is looking for a new one). He is says he is going to AA this morning to get a sponsor and is starting outpatient therapy next week. He also said that the people at the detox told him to come back in about a month and apply for a job!?!? I'm confused, is that normal? He has a degree in Behavioral Health, but it just seems odd to me. All of that aside.....

I NEEDED MORE TIME........ Away from him and his antics. I was just starting to relax; i haven’t felt nausea in days (he was gone for 7 days). I was just getting back to myself, enjoying the freedom away from the BS, figuring out what I like again. Finding ME.

Now I find myself altering my plans again, I wanted to go to the bookstore after work today, now I find myself wanting to go directly home to make sure everything is ok.

Please help, I wasn't ready for this today. I feel like I need to detox, from his alcoholism which is also very toxic to me. Problem is we live together on a tight budget and I don’t know where to go....and I feel like if I leave him,even temporarily, it will harm him and he wont be able to handle it...I think I really might be codependent. I downloaded the book "Codependent No More" based on suggestions from here, just haven’t read it yet.

suki44883

If you need more time, take more time. Just because he is out of detox doesn't mean you have to pick right back up where you left off. This is YOUR life and you have the right to do whatever you feel is best for you.

m1k3

Suki was right, this is your life, what do you want to do?

When I first started in my recovery I felt a lot of guilt taking care of myself first. I felt like I was being selfish. You know what, I was and that was OK. I have to take care of me first. I have to if I want to make sane intelligent choices and live a healthy and serene life.

Your friend,

suki44883

I just finished reading the memoir of Jaycee Dugard, the woman who was kidnapped when she was 11 years old and held in the backyard of her kidnapper for 18 years. Now, there is someone who had no control over her own life. She couldn't make any decisions for herself and she truly was trapped.

It made me think about how often we stay in situations because we THINK we are trapped when we really aren't. Your life is YOUR life and YOU have the right to do with it what you want. Don't waste time trying to please other people if doing so makes you miserable. LIVE your life. You only get one.

Learn2Live

Shutterbug, what has helped me get something thru my thick skull in the past is repeating something over and over in my head until it sticks. If it were me in your situation I would walk around all day saying "ME FIRST" all day!!

Shutterbug, YOU first. Not him first! Look in the local ads for a roommate situation. Get away from him. He is toxic to you. Doesn't matter what causes him to be toxic to you, he just is and you need to take care of you first. Remove toxic people from your life.

Alucard

I know EXACTLY what you are going through, having lived with a Stage 4 (You dont need an M.D. certification to know what this is folks, if they have legal problems galore, financial difficulties, unemployment problems and their health is going downhill from daily drinking that involves tremors if stopped, if binging is the norm, if daily intoxication is what its about, morning nausea, ulcers, daily headaches in the AM, bloodshot eyes perennial, and their reasons to live is the pursuit of alcohol regardless of the damage its causing, its Stage 4 Alcoholism, if you dont believe me "google it" and thanks for playing!) Alcoholic for only 4 weeks.

Was I codependent? Yes, of that there is little doubt. But I believe that unless you are single, when you get into a relationship, you become codependent to a certain degree. If I am married and my wife develops cervical cancer, should I callously tell her "thats not my problem, its yours, I'm off to the club, see you later"....of course not, her pain becomes my own, and I worry about her and want to be there for her as she goes to the Cancer Treatment Center. Same thing with alcoholism or drug addiction. But, when it reaches an unhealthy level, then its "bad"....living with the alcoholic causes stress, and anxiety of levels that are unsurpassed. People married to one, only want a normal relationship and peace and serenity, and they see that alcohol addiction takes all of that away.

tomsteve

for yourself and him, it would be wise to carry the message to him that you need to work on you and do it with compassion.
for him, i can say that through personal experience, a close personal relationship can be extremely difficult when fresh into recovery and it is wise for him to work on him and it will be easier stepping away for now.
you stepping away from him isnt gonna cause him harm( yer not that powerful). when i was drinking, i was the only one doin harm to me and the people that made the choice to stick around me were the only ones causing the harm to them. i didnt tie them up and hold them there and they didnt tie me down and force alcohol down my throat.. they were free to walk away at any time and walking away was the best move they made.