what is the best way to disconnect from addict?
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Join Date: May 2012
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what is the best way to disconnect from addict?
Hi everyone, I have a boyfriend I have been dating for 3 years. He is addicted to crack and pills. He has been an addict for a year n a half. I have taken him back so many times after all of the lying, cheating and stealing. I notice my weakness is when I have ignored his calls and texts for a few days I'm okay, but after day 3 of ignoring him I feel bad and guilty by not letting him know why I'm not talking to him. Usually by day 3 I'm lonely and want to get out of my house so then that is when I go to see him.
I guess my question would be what is the best way to break the relationship off with the addict? Should I just cut him out of my life cold turkey and ignore his calls and texts like I dropped off the face of the earth or should I tell him the explanation and then move about my life? Its very hard to leeave my boyfriend because he will do some crazy things like down a lot of pills or smoke crack til his eyes fall out leading him to the hospital, which has happend several times. Help!
I guess my question would be what is the best way to break the relationship off with the addict? Should I just cut him out of my life cold turkey and ignore his calls and texts like I dropped off the face of the earth or should I tell him the explanation and then move about my life? Its very hard to leeave my boyfriend because he will do some crazy things like down a lot of pills or smoke crack til his eyes fall out leading him to the hospital, which has happend several times. Help!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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i just wrote a note and left, but we had only been dating for 7 months. i heard from him 2 days later and then not again. yesterday i deleted his number from my phone as i was sure that i didnt think i would need it anymore. (ie to ignore text or phone).
but to be blunt, it sounds like you need to be asking yourself why you keep going back to someone who treats you so badly, when you already know how its going to pan out. i think you need to work on you and your issues so you dont get caught up with this guy, or any other guy, who comes with so much baggage.
good luck, and although your road will be tough, when you have worked enough on your own problems, you will meet a really lovely guy who will love you the way we are meant to be loved. until then stay focussed and clear about your boundaries.
good luck.
but to be blunt, it sounds like you need to be asking yourself why you keep going back to someone who treats you so badly, when you already know how its going to pan out. i think you need to work on you and your issues so you dont get caught up with this guy, or any other guy, who comes with so much baggage.
good luck, and although your road will be tough, when you have worked enough on your own problems, you will meet a really lovely guy who will love you the way we are meant to be loved. until then stay focussed and clear about your boundaries.
good luck.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by FreckleFace 
I guess my question would be what is the best way to break the relationship off with the addict? Should I just cut him out of my life cold turkey and ignore his calls and texts like I dropped off the face of the earth or should I tell him the explanation and then move about my life? Its very hard to leeave my boyfriend because he will do some crazy things like down a lot of pills or smoke crack til his eyes fall out leading him to the hospital, which has happend several times. Help!
Him doing crazy things is pure manipulation on his part to keep you bound to him by guilt, fear and obligation. It's purely his choice to react that way and not your problem. Cutting off all contact clean would mean you don't have to hear about whatever escapade he pulls to try and reel you back in. If you are sick of this nonsense then get yourself free for good. You have to toughen up your heart and steel up your spine.
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Determination that you want something better for yourself. Determination to take care of you will help you make the right choices.
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Your relationship with yourself is the closest and most important relationship you will ever have. If you don’t take good care of yourself, then you can’t take good care of others either; which is why taking care of yourself is the best selfish thing you can do. via: Marc and Angel Hack Life - Practical Tips for Productive Living
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FreckleFace, it is impossible to have a loving, healthy relationship with a crack addict. Also, when a person is on crack, there are a whole lot of behaviors that go along with it, and they are far from pretty. I am assuming you have not yet seen these behaviors but if you do a little research, you will understand.
I have the sense that after 3 days, you are unable to stay away from the addict for reasons that you may not be aware of. We often become as addicted to the relationship as they are to their drug of choice. We also find relief from our own obsession with the addict by seeking our own recovery. I suggest Al-Anon.
You are the only one who can make the choices about your own life. A relationship is never worth your own sanity. Crack addicts are dangerous to be involved with, especially sexually. If you are physically intimate with this person, please protect yourself and insist on the use of condoms.
I have the sense that after 3 days, you are unable to stay away from the addict for reasons that you may not be aware of. We often become as addicted to the relationship as they are to their drug of choice. We also find relief from our own obsession with the addict by seeking our own recovery. I suggest Al-Anon.
You are the only one who can make the choices about your own life. A relationship is never worth your own sanity. Crack addicts are dangerous to be involved with, especially sexually. If you are physically intimate with this person, please protect yourself and insist on the use of condoms.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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Freckleface, can you see how your addiction to him is similar to his addiction to drugs? This is why it is important for us to heal too.
I understand how you feel. My XH was a very abusive man who after an incident would shower me with flowers and attention and compliments. I became addicted to this cycle because I knew I would feel like a queen for a couple of days. Unfortunately the meanness got worse and the time in between incidents got shorter. I left him when it finally dawned on me that his behaviour was not my fault and was never going to change.
It was tough for quite a while but I was very determined to finally end it. Just like with an addict, we have to make the decision to stop our addiction to them and be very firm in that decision.
I can tell you that my only regret was staying with him for so long.
I understand how you feel. My XH was a very abusive man who after an incident would shower me with flowers and attention and compliments. I became addicted to this cycle because I knew I would feel like a queen for a couple of days. Unfortunately the meanness got worse and the time in between incidents got shorter. I left him when it finally dawned on me that his behaviour was not my fault and was never going to change.
It was tough for quite a while but I was very determined to finally end it. Just like with an addict, we have to make the decision to stop our addiction to them and be very firm in that decision.
I can tell you that my only regret was staying with him for so long.
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I was married to my XAH for five years.....I stayed because he told me he would kill himself if I left him. I was not his wife.....I was his hostage. That's no way to live......to stay with someone because they are pschologically and emotionally manipulating you into staying.
When the fear and pain of leaving him was less than the fear and pain of staying with him, I divorced him. I knew in my heart that if he chose to end his life, it was on him not on me. That was 30 years ago......he's still alive.
What's the best way to disconnect from an addict? The Nike way........just do it.
gentle hugs
ke
When the fear and pain of leaving him was less than the fear and pain of staying with him, I divorced him. I knew in my heart that if he chose to end his life, it was on him not on me. That was 30 years ago......he's still alive.
What's the best way to disconnect from an addict? The Nike way........just do it.
gentle hugs
ke
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[QUOTE=Learn2Live;3511326]FreckleFace, it is impossible to have a loving, healthy relationship with a crack addict. Also, when a person is on crack, there are a whole lot of behaviors that go along with it, and they are far from pretty. I am assuming you have not yet seen these behaviors but if you do a little research, you will understand.
I have the sense that after 3 days, you are unable to stay away from the addict for reasons that you may not be aware of. We often become as addicted to the relationship as they are to their drug of choice. We also find relief from our own obsession with the addict by seeking our own recovery. I suggest Al-Anon.
You are the only one who can make the choices about your own life. A relationship is never worth your own sanity. Crack addicts are dangerous to be involved with, especially sexually. If you are physically intimate with this person, please protect yourself and insist on the use of condoms.[/QUOTe
Luckily for me I have not seen him on crack because we are both only 20 and live with our parents. I told him one time if he is going to do crack and loves it so much then do it infront of me so he could feel guilty and he told me he would never smoke it infront of me. And exactly what you said about me being addicted to the relationship is like him addicted to the drug, I describe our relationship like that all the time. It just gets me everytime because he used to be such a good person. He never wanted to do drugs, drugs used to never be in the picture. He used to be so straightheaded and never in his right mind would he steal so much money from his parents. The behavior is so irrational and it just blows my mind because I want to know what goes on in his head that's making him do this. He also changed his cell number because his crack dealer was calling him n he was having a good day and feeling motivated and had the willpower to tell his mom so he changed his phone number. But I told him okay yeah you changed the number but u probably have his number memorized and he said no. And now it seems he somehow communicated with the dealer so changing the number was absolutely pointless
I have the sense that after 3 days, you are unable to stay away from the addict for reasons that you may not be aware of. We often become as addicted to the relationship as they are to their drug of choice. We also find relief from our own obsession with the addict by seeking our own recovery. I suggest Al-Anon.
You are the only one who can make the choices about your own life. A relationship is never worth your own sanity. Crack addicts are dangerous to be involved with, especially sexually. If you are physically intimate with this person, please protect yourself and insist on the use of condoms.[/QUOTe
Luckily for me I have not seen him on crack because we are both only 20 and live with our parents. I told him one time if he is going to do crack and loves it so much then do it infront of me so he could feel guilty and he told me he would never smoke it infront of me. And exactly what you said about me being addicted to the relationship is like him addicted to the drug, I describe our relationship like that all the time. It just gets me everytime because he used to be such a good person. He never wanted to do drugs, drugs used to never be in the picture. He used to be so straightheaded and never in his right mind would he steal so much money from his parents. The behavior is so irrational and it just blows my mind because I want to know what goes on in his head that's making him do this. He also changed his cell number because his crack dealer was calling him n he was having a good day and feeling motivated and had the willpower to tell his mom so he changed his phone number. But I told him okay yeah you changed the number but u probably have his number memorized and he said no. And now it seems he somehow communicated with the dealer so changing the number was absolutely pointless
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Originally Posted by FreckleFace
It just gets me everytime because he used to be such a good person. He never wanted to do drugs, drugs used to never be in the picture. He used to be so straightheaded and never in his right mind would he steal so much money from his parents. The behavior is so irrational and it just blows my mind because I want to know what goes on in his head that's making him do this.
My sister is a 20 year meth addict who sleeps under bushes and shacks up with whomever will take her in. She has lied to me, threatened me, physically held me hostage and stolen from me over the years. This is the person I grew up with, who I was close to in a way I was close to nobody else in the world. I can't even have a phone conversation that isnt upsetting anymore. She use to call me and threaten to kill herself, so I got tired of hearing it and called the cops, gave them her address and told them she ws threatening to kill herself. Trust me after they showed up one time, she never threatened that again. When they got there she was fine by the way, after she had put me through the paces emotionally, she went on with her life. She used to call all the time in the middle of the night claiming she was being chased by a gang or was in a scary, dangerous situation. That was 10 years ago and she is still alive, still pulling her tricks.
Let me break it down. Who he was is not who he is Addicted to drugs. He is addicted right now so he is not the person he was nor is he going to be until he makes the choice to quit AND sticks to recovery. Recovery takes a long time and relapses are more the rule than the exception. Even once clean, it takes awhile for the old them to retun if they ever fully do. Your choice is live with it or move on.
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[QUOTE=FreckleFace;3511492]
It just gets me everytime because he used to be such a good person. Tell him that until he becomes the person he used to be, you don't want to see him. Your staying is never going to motivate him to regain what he has lost--but leaving him might. I think you think you can in some way hasten his returning to the person he used to be--but you aren't. You can't. It has to be something he wants to change--and as long as you show him you will stick around no matter what, drugs and all his addiction entails, he has no reason to change. So you have two choices. Stick by his side and see him slide deeper in the abyss or move on and let him sink or swim. You are both only 20 and if he is meant to be that person you used to know, he can find him again by himself but staying with him will probably result in him looking less and less like that person of the past.
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
It just gets me everytime because he used to be such a good person.
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by FreckleFace
Luckily for me I have not seen him on crack because we are both only 20 and live with our parents. I told him one time if he is going to do crack and loves it so much then do it infront of me so he could feel guilty and he told me he would never smoke it infront of me. And exactly what you said about me being addicted to the relationship is like him addicted to the drug, I describe our relationship like that all the time. It just gets me everytime because he used to be such a good person. He never wanted to do drugs, drugs used to never be in the picture. He used to be so straightheaded and never in his right mind would he steal so much money from his parents. The behavior is so irrational and it just blows my mind because I want to know what goes on in his head that's making him do this. He also changed his cell number because his crack dealer was calling him n he was having a good day and feeling motivated and had the willpower to tell his mom so he changed his phone number. But I told him okay yeah you changed the number but u probably have his number memorized and he said no. And now it seems he somehow communicated with the dealer so changing the number was absolutely pointless
Having the conversation with him about the phone number is a waste of your time. Crack addicts lie to you, to their parents, to THEMSELVES.
You CANNOT understand how he thinks or what he does, or why. And it is dangerous for you to try. You need to stop. You need to cut the cord and walk away from this person. You need to start figuring out why you are attracted to this person and why you keep going back to him. Please go to Al-anon and/or Nar-anon.
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