brandnewman

Hey All,

Just got in from a meeting, and another group came in to speak. Something an guy said about losing his wife and kids hit home with me. Me and my ex have been in contact lately, and I still love this woman with all my heart but I can't be in a relationship for the first year. Things just went south for us with my drinking, and having already apologized, we've been talking on the phone a lot...just not about getting back together.

I feel like it's too soon, but I don't want to lose her and the kids to someone else. We've said "I love you" to each other, but I can't be with her right now. I've gotta do this recovery thing and work on me first.

Should I say something? Or leave it be?

P.S. This situation is driving me nuts!

Hollyanne

The relationship thing applies to people getting into new relationships.
You can't expect her to just wait around for you surely?
You have kids.
Do you have a sponsor? Talk to someone at least.
I know it is a "selfish program", but Jeeze!

zanzibar

Can and will she go to AlAnnon to learn why you feel you can't be with her right now. If you say nothing, then in her shoes I would take it that you're disinterested. If she's never been involved with alcoholism before she may not understand the whys.

Anna

I'm not sure why you can't be with this woman? Of course, your recovery is a priority but life goes on. You have children together. Do they want a relationship with you?

Dee74

Hi brandnewman

I'm a firm believer in 'if it's meant to be it will be'...

If you're not talking about getting back together right now then I think it's safe to assume it's not on your ex's mind...

focus on yourself...do the work you need to do...if you and your ex are meant to be a couple then you will be...

I know it's hard to be 'zen' but try and have a little faith that, whatever happens, it will be the right thing for everyone involved

D

likwidkool

I was separated from my wife for 2 years, and I moved back in at 4 months sober. I had 4 months though living 1500 miles away going to 3-5 meetings a day with my oldest friend who is 3 years sober. I learned while I missed my wife and kids tremendously, as you said, I needed to work on me first. We had always maintained contact and started noticing we still had feelings for each other. My sponsor and support group spent time with me weighing up what I was about to do. They never told me what to do, but helped me question my motives and such.
When I moved back in, it was great in the beginning, but I hit some rough spots. The hurt and pain I caused does not just go away. She is committed to my recovery and tries to not burden me, but things come up. Old behaviors come out. But she see's how much I go after my recovery. It has been a great learning experience for us both. And it has been a great way to practice what I have been learning on this new path of mine!
But through all of that, I have had some great sober people in my life.
I have 11 months now, and been home for 7 months. I question sometimes if it was the right decision, but I do not regret coming home.

soberbrooke

I am 7 months sober and I just left my boyfriend, who is the father of my 2 children, one month ago. We were together for 15 years, just never took the plunge. He is a heavy marijuana user and I couldn't handle it anymore.

I am just letting it be. Not filing for child support, not doing anything that EVERYONE has been telling me to do. All that I AM doing is praying, and working the AA program exactly like they all have taught me to do.
We just had our first counseling session on Wed and it turned out to be great. I also just had a job land in my lap, one that I absolutely am going to love, working at a Wolf Sanctuary. It is amazing how when I put ALL of my trust in my Higher Power, it works. I am not going to say anything to my ex, it will all happen the way it is suppose to. If you are missing the se* you know how to handle it. It might be that you are going crazy because if that. Don't let it get to you. Trust in your Higher Power, that trust will take you further than you think.

brandnewman

Thanks for the words guys, I've got to work my program and set a plan to get my family back. According to my Sponsor, she should get into Al-Alanon and my doc says we should get into counseling. Lots of work to do but they're worth it. We're worth it...

Anna

That sounds like a good plan.

IndaMiricale

Yes you are, keep growing and going forward.

tomsteve

as stated, the no relationships thing is about new relationships and IMO since she is an ex and you are getting sober, it would be a new relationship.

i wont give advise on whether to speak up about your feelings or not. but i know that early on, i had no clue what love is.