Shags13

Hey all. This is my first post here and I'll prepare you right off the bat that I need to get some things out there and at this point, I just have no idea where else to go. After a few google searches I found you.

I have no question in my mind that I'm a addict. A highly functioning one, but nevertheless an addict. I admitted that to myself a long time ago. No real way around that fact when you get up in the morning and instead of reaching in the fridge for OJ, you reach on top of it for Jack Daniels. And of course there's also the gratuitous amount of marijuana thrust in there for good measure...morning, noon and night.

I'm a 34 year old single male and I have been going at an unsafe rate since I was about 17 or 18. I'm not sure how many of the details between then and now are relevant, but suffice it to say that I know I have a problem, I know it has been effecting my life for more than a decade now and I know that if I ever want to be happy or feel good about myself, I truly need to sober up, deal with my sh*t and move on.

I started 2012 cleaning up for the first time in 12-13 years after an uncomfortable encounter while visiting my parents this past Christmas. My father approached me crying and begged me to look for help. I had never seen him cry before. It destroyed me. I cleaned up completely for 6 weeks then relapsed. Fairly hard. I have no sense of moderation. I can't have a drink. I drink until the bottles gone. Any sized bottle. Half pint, pint, fifth, liter...whatever. Bourban, whiskey, scotch. Usually straight, sometimes on the rocks. I thought I outsmarted my addiction by only buying a few "mini's" at a time. You know...the airport mini bottles. But all that resulted in was driving back to the liquor store drunk later on. And we all know how much destruction that will eventually cause. I don't think there is any way around it.

So here I am. Right now, at this minute, 14 days sober. I'm happy I'm doing it, but miserable in every other way. I feel empty. I feel alone. I feel...nothing really but anger, rage and hate. Which bothers me more than anything. I find my emotions are out of control...I can just start crying for no reason. I felt a little sick and out of touch the first few days but that has passed. I date one wonderful, good woman after another and I either break it off because I feel nothing, or some of the more intuitive ladies see it themselves before I bring it up and leave on their own accords. And the 2 women I've truly loved with all my heart over the last 14 years, I pushed away with my addiction, my anger and my utter hatred of myself.

So I don't know whats next. I am currently sober. And bored to tears. I used to lose myself in MMA fighting or a number of illegal activities. Neither is healthy and I'm tired of fixating on destructive activities. When I feel crazy I go to the gym...sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, but my body can't keep up. I'm in pain (which I'm assuming is a way of punishing myself). I recently discovered target shooting (I am not a hunter...just like shooting) but wonder if getting into firearms is the wisest idea in my condition [says the man one day after purchasing a semi-automatic rifle and joining a rod and gun club]. I have a good job...I oversee production at a manufacturing facility. I love the actual job, love the toys, but the shop is over run by addicts. Booze, pills, coke, crack, weed, violence...you name it. The boss does nothing, half the shop is family. I've seen people doing lines off the back of the fork lift. It's silly how much goes down at this place. But work is very hard to find in my field and I make a good wage so I don't know if quitting is an option right now. And yes...I realize that's an excuse.

I guess at this point, I just want to live. I just want to feel some sort of happiness and joy without it being chemically induced. I don't know how to live sober. I don't know how to date sober. I don't know what to do with myself. Reading a book or going for a walk doesn't have near enough full contact in it. I love adrenaline and often times put myself in dangerous situations to feel it. Yet another vise/addiction. I'm lucky I don't have kids...I'd ruin them. But I hope to someday have a relationship with someone and start a family. I don't know how I can do that the way I am right now.

Anyways...I just need to vent and talk to people who have an idea...any kind of idea what I might be going through too and went through it themselves and maybe even got through it and live normally now...if there is even such a thing. I think it would give me hope and something to shoot for. Cause I know I drove past the liquor store 4 times today...I didn't stop and thank God, they're all closed now for the night so I just may make it through this day.

I feel a little better just writing that out. And I know I just have to be strong and there is really nothing anyone can do for me and that I've rambled on for quite awhile. So if you're still reading...thanks for listening and I would welcome with open arms any suggestions or comments anyone can make. I have thick skin and am very honest with myself, so you needn't hold back or sugar coat anything. In fact, I ask that you don't. I respond much better to punches in the face than I do to taps on the shoulder.

Thanks again all. I'm off to read some of your threads.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Shags

First of, I'm pretty impressed that you have managed to do 6 weeks and 14 days without (as far as I can tell) any help or support. I never got past day 2 before I found this place.

Have you thought about getting any support...AA or the like?

Whatever you do I'm sure you'll get a lot of help and support here x

debsam

Big welcome to you Shags

Thanks for sharing that...and if it made you feel better just writing it out, then you'll really like the amount of great support SR has to offer

We've been were you are Shag...you don't have to do this alone!

Good to have you with us...big hugs

artsoul

Welcome Shags -

There's plenty of hope here, people who have turned their lives around after losing jobs, houses, relationships, you name it......

Most of us didn't know how to live sober either, but you learn as you go and do it one day at a time, (or one hour or minute at a time in the beginning). It really does get better. Glad you're here!

RevivingOphelia

Well, congratulations on your decision to be sober and your 14 days! Welcome to SR

I don't have a lot of advice, as I am quite new to this too and have days where I long for the buzz still, but there are a lot of super smart sober folks on here who have a lot of great advice and give wonderful support.


By the way, I love your writing style--I was riveted!

Best to you!

Weasel1966

Shags.... Quitting.... Your job or life?

Anger rage and hate are part of quiting!

I was always between something I could not get out of and something I could not get out of.

What happens when we want more than we see around us? Do we change them or us? Who will win?

I need to quote someone on SR here that I respect.... It's not about failing or winning... But did the our experience matter or not?

That seems light.... But think about where you want to be.... Need to be... You seem like a very whole person to me. Even when those around you are not.

You are here... It's not just me at your side.... It's legions of people that understand what drugs and drinking can and will do. Many ... Many more are here who have tamed it.

You can to.

Ken

Hevyn

Welcome to the family Shags. I felt hopeless until I came here - I'd been drinking all my life. I, too, was reaching for liquor in the morning - to stop the shakes. It was never out of my system at the end of my drinking career.

You're still young - I was in my 50's when I came here to SR, totally broken. Just knowing others understood made all the difference to me. The more I read & posted, the more comforted I felt. I know you'll find encouragement and hope here. Congratulations for wanting a new and better life. You can do this, Shags! I'm glad you've made this decision at a young age - you can turn it all around.

Anna

Welcome, and good work on your sober time.

I think what you're finding is that stopping the drinking/drugs is the first step. And, then comes dealing with all the stuff you've been numbing and trying to find a way to live sober. I think it's common to feel a lot of anger and rage when you stop drinking and to have many emotional swings. As addicts, we really don't know how to manage these things and we have to learn. And, you can find a way to cope with life's ups and downs.

Are you willing to give up the andrenaline rush for a peaceful (not boring) life? I hope so. And, the empty, lonely feelings you speak of were definitely a problem for me. I knew for sure that I had to reconnect spiritually and find a purpose to my life. I had gotten far off-track and I need to find a way to get back on my path.

Shags13

Goodness, you all are supportive. I so appreciate that and thank you to you all.

Hypo...I was seeing a therapist for anger management who also listened to me when I was going through the first 6 weeks earlier this year. She was nice. But ultimately, I left when I relapsed and felt that every session was the same, being told that she can not help me if I don't stay sober. She was 100% right. I felt as if I was disappointing her. She mentioned Rehab a few times, but I just never thought I could deal with that label. Rehab attendee. I know it's not bad...it's just humiliating. Or maybe it's not. What do I know? And I would like to go to an AA meeting, but have not had luck finding any when I needed them. Like earlier today when I joined this site. I need to look into that. I need to know where I can go at what times to get the support I need. I have always done everything by myself for myself...I'm just not having the best luck with this I found the thoughts of the day on the Narcotics addiction section by lonestar...I felt almost as if they were written for me. I need to explore that. That's nice.

Weasel...I think about quitting my job. Not my life. I don't have any issues with suicidal thoughts. I may need to figure out why I feel the way I do about myself and the world, but I'm just way too big of an @sshole to give the world that satisfaction. I have no interest in intentionally taking my own life. I liked what you said. I have this never ending feeling that there is so much more than what is right there in front of me, than what I have seen and experienced...but every time I think I'm about to catch a glimpse of it, it turns a corner and I lose it. I feel like I need to do something to redeem myself. But I don't know what for. I don't know why.

Hevyn...How long have you been sober? It's odd hearing you say I'm at a young age. I don't feel young. I feel like all I've ever known is this. If you stopped in your 50's...I can't imagine what you went through to stop. I can't comprehend 20 more years of this. I'm convinced that there is no way I'd make it to 40 if I don't make an honest to God effort with this. I'd either end up dead in a ditch or behind bars, which is basically the same.

I still can't believe how nice you've all been already to me. Thank you so much. It is sooooooooooooooo helpful knowing, not just thinking but actually knowing you all understand. Thank you and good luck to the rest of you going through the same things. I want to share more and hopefully help others with their problems, but at the moment, I'm having a hard enough time keeping myself sane. Please give me time. I'll try my best. I promise.

I'm Chris by the way.

soulgypsy

I understand the boredom--and I am not an adrenaline junkie! I am on Day 4 sober (daily alcohol abuser for almost 20 years) and boredom is the worst symptom. I don't hardly know what to do with myself. I am trying, but the razor focus of sobriety is weird and unsettling.

I know you will find much support and help here. Welcome!

jennikate

Hi Shags,

Welcome! I'm sure many here will have much encouragement for you. I have a question and it's one I've been wondering about for awhile. This adrenaline thing-I can't understand it-alcohol is a depressant. Drinking caused the opposite for me. Now, if you're talking about the sneaking around, lying, and manipulating- that I can understand. It was sort of a challenge to get away with as much as possible.
Have you thought about non alcohol related activites involving action/adrenaline? I'm an EMT and it def causes a rush. Maybe not up to it now but maybe a future thought?

debsam

Told ya Chris

You're off to a great start!

debsam

Btw Chris, I went to rehab.

Like you, I was afraid of the "labels"...not only was it the BEST thing I ever did, but the BRAVEST!

If you have the opportunity to go....run, don't walk!

soberbrooke

The first few months for me were really really hard. I quit hanging out with ALL people I use to, quit going to the bars, quit having lunches with the ladies, etc....
I now have 7 months and am so much happier. I have been working the program though the way they said to do it in AA. It was the only way that I could do it. I put my EGO aside and became teachable again. I realized I know NOTHING about addictions and I was ready to surrender, so that I would not relapse again.
BTW - really happy for you for making it past the first few days!! Meeting makers make it!!

Dee74

lots of great advice here already - welcome aboard Chris

D

Pondlady

Welcome! You are very honest - thanks for sharing with us. I'm sure it was hard for you to see your father cry. My Dad also cried, this Father's Day, when I told him I'd quit drinking - that's how touched he was. In our area, AA will give you a book of meetings - days / times. Usually at your first meeting, folks will give you their phone numbers...you might want to give it a try. Keep posting and congratulations on making it two weeks.

Shags13

Soulgypsy- I hear ya. My brain just won't shut off!! When I need the focus, it's great. I'm much sharper, quicker and respond faster to things...but turning it off is the hard thing. The first few days of sobriety is sooooo enlightening. When the clouds lift and the cobwebs clear it's like a layer or two of cheesecloth were draped over your eyes for however long you were using and then they were just ripped off. Things become so much more clear. One of the positives I have seen!!

Jennikate - I'm a very high energy individual. Although I did go through the occasional stimulant/cocaine phase or two, it was always just too much for me. I always liked to drink and smoke weed to put myself waaaay down to be content with mediocrity. Doing nothing and being a bum feels OK when you're drunk and stoned. When I'm sober, I need to be doing something constantly. It's exhausting. Mentally and physically. I don't know if that's just me or my brain adjusting to sobriety. Maybe someone out there may be able to add to that.

Debsam - I hear you and I know you're right. I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining to my boss, my parents (who worry so much as so as it is)...to anyone. Excuses...I know. It's not off the table...I just need to see what else is on the table as well.

Thanks again.

NoFireWater

Welcome Chris! Thanks for telling your story and letting us get to know you.Sounds like a lot of crazy stuff at your job. A new one might be a good idea if you can find something comparable. I think there are online AA meetings from what I've read here. That might help you if you can't find a live one in your area.

Is there any kind of outdoor adventure club near you? Maybe you could do some of that sort of thing,extreme sports, to get the adrenaline rush going.I bet you'd meet people that aren't into drugs or drinking as a bonus. lol I imagine rock wall climbing isn't something you'd attempt with a hangover!

Weasel, this statement is pretty profound. It's making me think.
"I was always between something I could not get out of and something I could not get out of"

Hevyn is right about the age thing. Much better to do it in 30's rather than 50's.

IndaMiricale

Welcome aboard.

jobei

Hello and welcome! I'm 35 and was using heavily since I was 17-18 too. I can certainly relate to your story on many levels... I felt that I was a functioning alcoholic too. I realize now that I didn't know what the definition of functioning really was. I drank my entire adult life... it's all I knew. I started doing the .50ml minis too... and making multiple trips to the store to buy em... then saying "f**k it" and just buying sleeves of them. That way I ALWAYS knew how much I had left... god forbid I ran out and went into shock. At the end of my run with booze I was drinking anytime that I was awake. I felt like I was peering into the abyss.

Somehow I finally got sick of it. I prayed a lot and found support on this website. I won't lie to you... the first month was pretty miserable. I felt empty, confused, angry, depressed... you name it. I couldn't imagine my life being that way forever... I considered getting a bottle. Instead I took some advice from others that have managed to give up the booze... they all told me that it WOULD get better as time went by... I fought and clawed with my inner demon and didn't drink. Then something happened. I started to feel a little better each day and the cravings to drink lessened. I started to ease up and the anxiety subsided. Things began to change! Now that I look back on that first month I realize it was just that simple... I was still incredibly sick from many years of alcohol abuse. I felt the way I should. The key to remember my friend, is that you won't feel empty like you do now forever... it WILL get better... I promise you.

Hope to see more posts from you soon!