Selah12

Well here it goes. I have been married to an alcoholic for 28 years. I think that I am ready to go but these are my questions and concerns- please advise:
First, I truly believe that if I leave my husband he will starve himself. He suffers from depression. so if he is really sick- I do not know how I can abandon him. I have given him the contact information of counselors- but he has not made any calls- we tried after so many years to seek counseling and it is so unfortunate that the counselor we finaaly saw and he eventually went to see on his own was incompetent, so he stopped. I feel fortunate that we have insurance. Does one really abandon one who is so sick?

I tried living with the notion of acceptance and then detachement- but realized that I can no longer come home from work to someone who is drunk- incoherent- who does not work outside of the home- who does not do anything at home
I bring 99.9% of income- but he controls it. Do I take control of my finaces taking the only thing in his life that he now has control off- do I give him $$ ...
I am ready to move on but he will not sit down to discuss the logistics- I come home and he is so drunk and is sound asleep. He does not leave his room. Actually the only times he leaves the house (four years) is when he is with me- when he has a job (very infrequent) and of course daily to get his beer. He will not talk about this- because he is either too drunk or too tired or sober- so in this state- he will not talk. Do I contact a lawyer? How can I bring a third party when he won't even talk to me?

I am healthy- I excercise- meditate- belong to a religious community and know that I will be ok without him- he is just the father of my children and I do not know how I can go on- knowing that he lives in so much pain.... help

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Selah. There are many people here who have been where you are. You will find a lot of support, experience, strength and hope here. There is a lot of helpful information in the "stickie" posts at the top of this forum. Please take the time to read them and also read the stories of others who are or have been where you find yourself now.

The thing is, we all have choices. He has choices just like you do. He doesn't have to live the way he does and neither do you. If you make the decision to do what is best for you (and I hope you do), then no one can fault you for that. He will either need to start taking care of himself or continue to live in the bottom of a bottle. His decisions on what to do are not your responsibility nor your fault. He's an adult and can make his life better if he chooses. There is no good reason for you to stick around and watch him destroy himself.

Again, welcome to SR! I hope you'll stick around and do a lot of reading and posting. It will help.

coffeeclouds

Wow. I was thinking of signing up and participating after reading a couple of weeks and though I wrote this post.

I am moving on after almost 30 years of marriage. I can't live like your description anymore and it is so similar to what I had.

marie1960

In 28 years nothing has changed.

The only person we can control is ourselves.

He is a grown man, he will not starve to death, but if he does, it is his choice. He has the right to drink himself to death. We are powerless when it comes to addiction.

Time to take your power back.

You are a self sufficient woman, you bring home 99.9% of the earnings.

Personally, I would never allow an active alkie to control finances, True recipe for disaster.

Exactly, what are you getting out of this relationship?

You are living in fear of what he will do, fear is not a foundation for a relationship.

Please know we are here, and will walk with you as you begin this journey of sorting out your life..

Keep posting

Peace.

PHIZ007

Sigh....sigh.....sigh.....I struggle with the leaving too......my husband also suffers depression...

However I deserve a life too and I am working towards leaving.....My three children deserve better too (although he is a great Dad to them I have to add).

He has a good job and supports us financially BUT he is an alcoholic and as soon as the work day is over he hooks into his two bottles of wine.

I don't see myself being here too much longer but because I have three gorgeous children to consider too I need to plan things carefully so that it will be easier for them too.

I am sure there will be many more SR friends along soon to offer you guidence, and wisdom from there own experience.

Thank God for SR I say - it keeps me sane.

Thoughts and prayers your way - it sucks being married to an A.....take care of you - all the best Phiz

lillamy

Welcome, Selah.
You'd be surprised at how even an actively drinking alcoholic with many years of boozing can change when they have to. How they can take care of themselves when you're not. Mine had never cooked a meal in his life when I left him. Now he's taking cooking classes and told the kids he had met a woman there that he wanted to introduce them to. Go figure.

You are not responsible for another adult.
You are not responsible for his decisions. His choices. His life. His feelings.
He is making his choices, and you are free to make yours. Doesn't matter if you just met or you've been married for 100 years.
It's difficult to get into that mindset when you've been the caretaker for so long. (I was, for 20 years.) But it's possible.

Your post sounds like you're asking permission to leave. You always had permission to leave. Big hugs to you.

Sungrl

To answer your first question Selah, you would be suprised how self sufficient they can become when they need to. My ABF suffers depression, is unemployed, spends his meager checks on alcohol, smokes, and I most recently found out coke. There were many a time I sat home (we no longer live together, myself and my daughters got in the way of his drinking) literally crying that I had abandoned him he was sitting in his motel room with no food and being miserable. I would give in and go over and check on him. EVERY time I mean EVERY time he was fine!!! He would have his alkie friends over, they were drinkin , smokin, having a grand old time. They supplied the booze and someone always had food stamps on hand for a great steak and lobster meal. Nice they were ripping off the system that way huh?? My point misery loved company and I FINALLY saw this for what it was, he was fine without me. They took care of each other and had a damn good time doing it. RUN as fast as you can. I was the money maker in the relationship as well. I loved him with all my heart, wanted him to be the man I thought he could be. He had a different agenda eventually you just give up. I did, I'm sad sometimes, but for the most part indifference has replaced love. He made his choice I made mine. I will prevail, he will be a miserable nothing. RUN



PS: this is a 47 year old man!! WOW

Learn2Live

Selah, he is a grown man, completely capable of taking care of his needs, depression or not. He does not need you to survive.

Selah12

Thank you so much for all your comments. Once my thoughts were put in writing and sent out to all of you- I felt a great burden lifted. As the song says, "I can see clearly know...". Right now, I am trying to figure out how to get out of this relationship in a way that is smart and not irrational. All I am saying is that I have to figure out the logistics- where will I live, how do I empty the house of my stuff (mostly junk) . I now know that this forum along with the book about co-dependents and the wise words of Eckhart Tolle will guide me though my exit. I also know that God is taking good care of me, always has. I recently took a hard look at how shattered my self esteem is, how vulneral, and how I really need to nurture and heal myself ... I am exhausted- have a lovely day!

Florence

This.

I took control of the bank account and income last year. It was one of the wisest things I've done since starting this journey.

Pelican

I recommend making appointments for free consultations with at least two different family law attorneys. I did and that information helped me make decisions based on the laws and common rulings in my community. It is easier to make healthy choices when you have the facts.

I also recommend separating your finances. Open an individual account and explain to your branch manager that you are closing joint accounts. My bank manager worked with me on fees and gave me a large safe deposit box at the small box rate for storing important documents.

Alcohol is a depressant. Your AH is feeding his depression with every beer he drinks.

rdlesstraveled

agreed. I suffer from depression, but I am responsible for taking my medicine and monitoring my moods and managing my life. No one can do this except for me!!! In fact, it is helpful that no one interferes because I grow by the day. If someone were to coddle me, I would be even more depressed because that would show me that the other person didn't think that I could handle it, which would probably lead me to believe that I couldn't.

Do not stay because you fear HIS depression. HE is responsible for himself. Sure, he may be sick, but he will stay sick until HE takes care of himself. If you were never in his life..... what choice would he have????

If you broke your leg, would you expect someone to carry you for the rest of your life????? No, you would go to the doctors, get a cast, rest, start physical therapy and proceed to walk again. But, YOU have to do the work, not anyone else.