mstrust

I’m new to this forum but have been reading posts for some time to try to get some insight, some sanity, some advice, etc. I apologize in advance for jumping in with such a lengthy post, but I am really at the end of my rope, feeling desperate, need help/advice, and don’t feel comfortable telling all of this to my friends mostly because I don’t want them to hate my boyfriend. He is an opiate addict, was a heroin addict for many years on and off, has been homeless, to rehab several times, to jail, to prison. Has not done heroin in about 3 years according to best estimation, but he has been on “Pain Management” for a lot of that time. When we first got together, I knew he was on medication, but the way he presented himself and the situation was that he needed the medication because of legitimate issues, which he does have, and that he was “not in the same place” at all anymore as he was when he was using street drugs and he could not even imagine being that way. He also said that part of the reason he was on heroin for so long was that it also helped his pain and he was “self-medicating”, so the fact that he was taking prescribed meds as prescribed was actually a good thing.

I did ask a lot of questions about the situation, which now he says he didn't like, but we knew each other before we started this relationship so it was easy to be conversational, and he seemed very forthcoming and willing to discuss anything openly, not at all reluctant, and didn't seem bothered by it at all. Then slowly, things started to happen. First, he had his pills “stolen” at the airport. He would also always complain about his doctor’s office making him wait around for his prescription and “start going into withdrawal”. He ended up in withdrawal a few times over the course of the fall of last year and then would become violently ill when he finally got his prescription refilled. We were only spending weekends together at that point and so many of them were spent with him lying around sick on the couch, whether from withdrawal or what. He also would be obviously high at times and borderline obnoxious and became infuriated when I said anything about it as though it was absurd and I was nuts. In October, I found a pill bottle cap with pill residue in it and there was a needle in the trash. He cried and cried and “didn’t want to be alive anymore” and was apologetic and said it was the only time and blah blah.

He continues to overtake his meds. I found another needle and pill bottle cap at the end of last month, which he said was “the only other time” that happened and the needle was “broken”. Sure. He has lied to me countless times. At no point has he ever voluntarily confessed anything to me and at no point will he admit to anything that can’t be proven. He tells me I’m paranoid, I make him feel f***ed up with all my worries and all my scrutiny and that’s why he acts f***ed up, I should not be so obsessed with HIS medication, I have a bigger problem with it than he does, and so on. We have gone to AA meetings together and he will come to a point where he wants me to hold his medication, he is totally open, and totally willing to talk. Then the meds start being hidden more and more and the behaviors and mannerisms emerge that do only at certain times. I ask questions and I am accused of accusing and judging and he acts offended that I think so little of him as to think he would shoot up his meds and I can mind my own business again because there his “to take, to overtake” and I need to accept it and back off.

I’m so angry and resentful at this point. We have been living together since the end of January—he moved in at a point where all seemed to be well. I act like such a b***h, truly, and now he’s saying that I’m pushing him away with my insulting, hurtful comments and behavior, I obviously DON’T understand so there’s no point in talking to me, and I need to get over my obsession with his meds. Furthermore, any issues I have with the dishonesty and ruined trust, no matter how I present myself, are ignored or walked out on or I am again accused of all of the above. I am angry. He’s right. And I am being a total a-hole at times, for sure. I don’t feel that’s healthy or productive at all, but I do think it’s understandable given the circumstances. So far, no changes have happened, he overtook his meds again, went through withdrawal, got his meds back, overtook them and spent a week vomiting. That is how July has gone. He has shut me out all the more and basically acts like and tells me that I’m f****d up for the things I come up with that I think he’s lied about and he is not entertaining the ridiculousness anymore. He left today before I got home from work because he needs “time away” because I’m pushing him away and he's not taking it from me anymore. All I do is berate him and make him feel like a bigger piece of s**t than he already feels like and I’m the most discouraging person so he’ll go fix the mess he created without my help, thank you very much.

I realize that all of this adds up to this relationship is toxic and we shouldn’t be together. It just really sucks because aside from this, as cliché and ridiculous as it is for me to say this, we are perfect for each other. Maybe I’m just afraid to let go. I just feel so alone and so left alone and also like s**t for the negative behaviors I have that are contributing to making this worse rather than better. I guess I needed to vent and also wanted to know if there is anyone who relates to this—especially the intense anger and resentment—and how you deal with that. I am losing hope if it’s not already lost.

FindingErica

Welcome to the forum!

I heard the same lines from my AH, that I was a nag and a b***h. That his life was a prison. It is just redirection and blaming. As long as AH could shift the focus off his addiction to my behaviors, he could back me down. I can't tell you what to do as far as leaving or sticking it out. You seem to have a pretty good observation of what is going on. What is your gut leaning toward?

mstrust

Thank you for responding... I feel like another version of me would tell him he needs to go, but this me has a problem with it being over and final. I worry about regretting it and not being able to take it back. I already feel awful for the things I have said that I know are hurtful. It's not my intent on the surface, but somewhere inside me I must want him to feel as bad as I do or I feel I wouldn't be so unproductive. Also, and this might be awful to say, but part of the reason I wish I wasn't so b****y about it all is because now he does have that to use against me and if I could carry myself with any dignity, I would be stronger. But I sit here, in my mind taking so much blame yet knowing that I wouldn't be acting so insane if this hadn't been happening this whole time. It's had a cumulative effect. I suppose I also wish he would just show up again and be the him he was before this got so out of hand. Maybe in a way I'm holding out for it. You speak in the past tense about your AH, did you leave him?

GardenMama

"I realize that all of this adds up to this relationship is toxic and we shouldn’t be together."

I am going to be blunt and suggest you end it. My AD lived with my sister for three tumultuous months and she felt like you do now. B****y and angry, sad and full of regret, sorrowful, and wished things could be different. The deception tool is intense for addicts. It seems as if while addicted they can't help but lie and be paranoid and blame the ones who love them most for the very things they are doing to those people. I think you need to find someone who doesn't make you feel so "crazy."

Just so you know, my AD overdosed on heroin in her bedroom in my house and when she was finally conscious after 14 days, she told us she had only used TWICE. Turns out, she'd been using for TWO years...And she is only 18. An older person could pull of much more intense deception and deflection, I suspect.

I am not making light of your love or your beloved. I just see the writing on the wall and suspect he needs to heal a lot and you need a different kind of partner. It's all meant in a loving way. I hope I haven't been too harsh.

mstrust

It's not harsh at all. I always respond better to blunt honesty than anything else. You're probably spot on...and I'm sure he has been doing more than he admits to. Sure of it. And I doubt either one of us can heal at this point if we're around each other. I'm far too hurt and angry and he's right when he says that the way I express myself is damaging to our relationship and is not going to help him do what he needs to do. I just think once it's over, it's over. I know that's how it probably needs to be thought of, but the finality scares me because of how good things are/were without this.

FindingErica

You didn't put the drugs in his body. He is responsible for his behavior, don't let past "bitchiness" be used to emotionally blackmail you into a decision. Addicts are adept at turning the blame arrow to redirect blame from themselves.

Yes, I left him. That is how I ended up here, I was 6 weeks away from a cross country move with my three kids. AH was already out of state, not working because according to him he kept losing jobs for unknown reasons. Then family started telling me how bad he had gotten with his drug use. And here I am faced with moving out to his unemployment, addiction and the anger/abuse I had been putting up with. Now, I'm in my own place now with the kids, AH has made no efforts to come back to this state. He still manipulates, threatens, guilts, whines...etc, even though he claims to be clean and in NA. He will be served with divorce papers soon.

washbe2

Mistrust, I will be honest with you, too. All addicts speak the same language. It's not English or French or Spanish, etc. It's Addiction.

My addict is my son and he has said almost word for word what your boyfriend has said to you and this is a totally different kind of relationship. You are NOT perfect for each other unless you enjoy being cursed, blamed, used, and lied to. If you are not married with children with this man, I would head for the nearest exit. It's just not worth the pain.
I care.

amaslow

I am going to be blunt too...The fact that you think you are " perfect" together sounds like a bad case of codependence... Thos weekends with him layin around on the couch dope sick aren't my idea of a perfect relationsip... This guy is a classic manuipulative, lying addict. You have been addicted to him, but you are beginng to get it...

Tough it out.. Get him of your plate..He will only bring you down and put you at risk..Don't lie to yourself about who he is.... You cannot start to get better with him.. Codependence is a serious disease that will destroy your life.. Better find hep ASAP

mstrust

Thank you everyone for your honesty and advice...it's so much appreciated, believe me.

It's interesting and entirely fitting that codependence just came up. Last night after posting, I read a sticky about it that linked to another article and I identified with enough of the characteristics and behavior of codependency that I sat here is shock for a little while that I didn't see that before. I think I'm going to call my therapist's office today and schedule another appt.--it's been awhile--and working on the codependency thing is going to be my number one project.

He finally came home last night around midnight after being gone for about nine hours with no explanation. I realized it doesn't matter what he says to me anyway because I really don't believe much of anything anymore. His dad once said to me that when he (my boyfriend) was using, he could say the sky was blue and his dad would feel the need to go check for himself. I totally understand that now.

As for the anger portion of things, has anyone else found themselves "flipping out" about things and knowing that it's not helping, just hurting? I just can't seem to stop myself. I'm so angry and hurt and totally frustrated that this is how things are and I didn't ask for it, I had no choice in it, and I continue to have no choice.

(I wanted to amend this to say that I know ending the relationship is a choice I can make that I do have control over.)

Jody675

actually ms trust you do have choices. you can chose to stay the way you are and the situation will also stay the same, you can chose to leave and which case it will end, you can chose to work on you and let him deal with his issues and you work on yours...see choices...and you are free to make them any time. you just have to realise you have them to make. keep reading and learning it will all get easier.

Learn2Live

Notice you feel you are perfect with a junkie. What does that say about yourself? I am perfect with junkies too.

I know what you're going to say. "No, I'm not perfect with the junkie part, just the normal part." But guess what? You can't separate the two from eachother. He is BOTH parts.

You made a bad choice in this guy. I did the same. I knew this guy has a 30+ year history of drug and alcohol addiction. But I ignored it because he and I were perfect together. We have to get ourselves well. We have to do the work that needs done on ourselves so that we can choose other healthy people. Like attracts like.

octoberrain

mstrust, so glad you found this web site. Welcome. I am glad to hear you are taking time to read the stickies. They helped me too.
I did the flipping out too. I was angry too, I did not like the person I was becoming because of my AS. I think the anger for me anyway was because I could no longer make up the excuses, cover it up I ran out of them. I knew his addiction was real and I knew I could not do a damn thing about it. The hurt I felt, if he loves me then how can he do this to me, see me crying, begging and pleading him to stop before he was dead.
I think after I read your post, you are a smart women. You know what you have to do.

Learn2Live

Yes, to answer your question, I would flip out every once in a while. Because I was getting nothing from him that I wanted in a relationship. I was getting nothing back for my help and sacrifices. Just chaos and confusion and inconvenience and being ignored, used and taken advantage of. It's what they do. It's what addicts do. They USE people. Always.

So of course you're flipping out. You're trying to manage YOUR life while this person hangs on to you and keeps pulling you under water, trying to drown you. You either have the strength to break free from him or you don't. But if you don't, he will drown you. One way or another a junkie will drown you.

Ann

I have learned that the pain of letting go (which can shatter our hearts into tiny pieces) is still less than the pain of continuing a life filled with addiction and all the sadness and tragedy it brings.

The first pain heals in time, the second can kill us.

It is awful to have to choose "which pain shall I endure?" But when you look ahead a year, 5 years, 10 years...where do you want to be?

My dreams have changed over the course of my life. What I found was that each time I gave up one dream in sadness, a more beautiful dream became possible. Life's funny like that. Most of our blessings come as strangely wrapped gifts.

Hugs

FindingErica

Yes, of course. That is a pretty common reaction to someone we rely on acting erratic and untrustworthy. I didn't realize how miserable, anxious, impatient and irritable I had become until he left and my younger brother commented on how much more relaxed I was. Now that I am in my own place, and he can not call me; anxiety gone, way more fun and relaxed with the kids. I didn't realize how much his behaviors were affecting me.

tjp613

As usual, Ann nailed it. "Which pain shall I endure?" Indeed, that is the only question that needs to be answered. The trick is to answer the question based on the FACTS you have in front of you...not based in fantasies or "what if's"...but examining the situation as it IS.

Welcome to SR.

sevenofnine

YES!!!! in fact, for me, that was how I could see that it was time to kick my AH out. I was staring him down, screaming and hoping my angry spit would hit him, and I realized (and screamed it at him) "I used to be a happy strong person, and look at the twisted angry sad shrivelled up mess you have made me into!!"

In my case, my AH took the time away to commit to NA, get a sponsor, work on himself. So now I can have a relationship with him again, as he is not active in his addiction and we are not causing each other so much anguish. But I had to kick him out knowing full well things could go the other way and he might just spiral into full blown hopeless addiction. The thing is, since that choice was his, it was so much healthier for me to be alone while he made it. I think that unless your partner is in and working on a program of recovery, it is not ok to continue the relationship.

My own .02 on the chronic pain thing is that all his talk you mention is baloney. I have been suffering with pain for more than half of my life- I broke my spine in a car accident and it never stopped hurting and I have since been taking narcotics to handle it. In the beginning, when I knew less about the drugs, I was seeking 100% relief, and would take codeine until all the pain went away. Using that much all day led to its own cycle of ups and downs which add on their own chronic problems and lead to needing more and more. I had to wean myself off and face the fact that I will actually just have to be in pain for much of the day, and settle for only getting relief at night to sleep. So long as I only take the narcotics in this way, I do not develop the tolerance and need to take higher doses. It has been (and continues to be) a long journey for me to learn to handle a certain amount of pain and settle for a limited amount of relief, but that is exactly what a healthy use of narcotics for chronic pain looks like. We are not built to feel no pain, the trick is to learn to handle the pain we have to live with. Pain is also an important indicator that something is wrong, and its important to listen to it and not just try to muffle it out all the time.

If your partner does seek recovery, learning to handle a chronic pain situation will also be a big and important portion of it. I know I have needed the guidance of doctors, physios, nurses etc who specialize in chronic pain, and I am certain that the psychological acceptance of a certain level of pain has been the most important part.
To me, it sounds like your partner is not ready to feel pain (or maybe anything else negative too... I think addicts have a tendency to run away from those things with a little more fear than the rest of us) and that probably means he is not ready for recovery. And that probably means he is not ready for you, even if you are a great match. That is not to say that it will never work, or that he has no chance of making that change in direction, but you can't have any power over those things.

Please keep sharing here so we can support each other as we figure out what we need to do.

oooopps

I can tell you that letting go seems so scary at the time. You're gripping on the rope (the addict) for dear life. It's not until that you let go then you realize "Wow! I didnt need to suffer from all that rope burn. Feels great to have my hands free again."

then the rope burn heals, your mind heals, YOU heal... very healthy evolution.

Vale

.........thank you for this,ooooppppsss......it helps ALOT!

mstrust

I'm really overwhelmed with all the responses...everyone is so thoughtful and willing to help and I can't tell you how nice it is to read that I am definitely not the only one having this reaction or feeling like I'm going insane.

I don't have much left for this. I get so stressed out and nervous about what might be happening, what's already happening, what HAS happened that I lose my appetite and I've been losing weight because of this. I'm already too thin and it's obvious to other people who know me that something is going on. I just got home from work a little while ago and he has been rude since before I came home via text message. He took off again yesterday for over nine hours and I guess he expected that today that things would be fine. I'm not fine.

I find it shocking that I didn't identify myself as codependent before reading that sticky. I really don't know how that escaped my attention. It's given me hope that I can start somewhere and try to fix myself...with or without him.