ArmyOfOne

Hi, I am new to this site. It was referred by someone from another site. I am also new to this Alcohol and Drug abuse issue. I am not sure if its allowed for me to place a link here to my post from the other site. But my intent is to give people some back ground and then continue the discussion / posts here.

talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/49998-substance-alcohol-abuse

Please let me know if it is against the rules to do so. I will try to copy and paste the content here.

Thank you.

As is turns out I am not able to paste links. So I will try to let you guys know how to get to my post.

talkaboutmarriage dot com --> general-relationship-discussion --> substance-alcohol-abuse

ArmyOfOne

Please put ".html" at the end of the following and paste it in the address bar.

talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/49998-substance-alcohol-abuse

outtolunch

How about if you copy/paste your post to this other site.

ArmyOfOne

******* Sorry about the long post****************

I will try to stick to facts as much as possible so I can get potentially an unbiased opinion.

Background
I have been married for 6 years to my wife and have 2 daughters with her. One is 2 years old and the other one is 8 months old. I come from a lower middle class family and came to this country for studies. I have worked very hard for everything and have been through pretty rough times. And now have a great job and a beautiful house. My wife comes from a wealthy family and everything was handed to her.
We were happy together – had occasional disagreements about finances…etc, but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t settle. Had excellent communication and would be amazed at people who couldn’t figure things out by talking. She was very logical.

We both come from a relatively conservative upbringing. None of us drink nor have experimented with any drugs. I used to be the impulsive one in the relationship and she was the calm one.

This all changed when we had our first daughter. I didn’t realize it at the time but my wife had a bad case of postpartum depression. And then we got pregnant again after 8/9 months from the initial delivery. She got very irritable and was on edge all the time. I started shutting down and would get quiet and she would go on and on about stuff. We started arguing a lot. I am very self critical, and usually analyze my behavior and admit my mistake very quick. In other words I am the first one to say sorry to smooth things over regardless of whoever is at fault. On the other hand I can count the number of times my wife has admitted she was wrong and changed her behavior.

Issue at Hand
My in-laws were over (they live 7 hours away) and uncovered that my wife was abusing prescription drugs; Ambien and Hydrocodone. Plus she was/is a closet alcoholic and had been drinking straight liquor. The liquor bottles (8 to 10 bottles 750 ml or larger) were stashed in a box in the garage. Once they found those, she made up a story saying those bottles were from some party we had a year ago and she forgot to throw them out. And since my in laws were coming she didn’t know what to do with them so she hid them in the box in the garage. She swore up and down and asked me to help her and talk to her parents. I believed her and stood up to my in-laws basically telling them to back off. But she had to admit that she was taking 2 to 3 10mg Ambien pills a day NOT NIGHT, coz of the quantity of pills in the bottle. This had been going on for about 2months, basically since the beginning of this year. And my mother in law was the one who questioned her about this. Whenever I used to ask her about her incoherent behavior or lack of concentration, she would lash out at me saying it isn’t easy raising two kids and staying up at night to take care of them (she would ask me to sleep in a separate room so I could get sleep and go to work).

I forced her to go to marriage counseling with me and to a substance abuse counselor on her own. She basically lied to the therapist about most of the issues. And I still hadn’t realized that she was also drinking liquor till one day I found more bottles in the bathroom on my own. And that is when I questioned her and she made up a story which I didn’t believe and gave her a breathalyzer test (of course it was positive). So the begging and pleading for forgiveness started. That was the first time in 6 years I had seen my wife apologizing like that.

This went on for another 4 months. I would find something once a month or so and she would beg and plead. I even left with the kids one night and stayed in a hotel after finding out an empty bottle. She found me and came pleading and begging and basically wrote out a contract saying that I can leave if she gets caught again drinking something.

And then it happened again couple of nights ago that I found a bottle of Vodka and asked her about it, this time instead of admitting she was wrong she lashed out at me saying I had bought it and put it there. And it’s not her. And that she has been on depression meds and feels great and has no need to drink anything. This got me very pissed. And then she dropped the little one on hardwood floor in front of my eyes and blamed it on the older one, saying she pushed my wife and because of that my wife lost her balance and dropped the younger one.

This is when I lost it and for the first time I slapped my wife and took the child away from her. It all went down hill from there. I got slapped and punched multiple times and she got shoved multiple times (she was afraid I was going to leave again with the kids). I couldn’t take it any more so I called her mother and my in laws drove 7 hours that night and took the kids and my wife saying she needs help and around the clock care and someone to watch her. And since I have to go to work I can’t do that. So the agreement was that they would keep the kids and my wife for 3 to 4 weeks to calm and cool things down. And then they would bring her back and my mother in law would stay with us and make sure my wife follows through the treatment (insurance doesn’t cover out of state expenses). I was reluctant but I knew I couldn’t watch the kids and work at the same time. Since then I had called my mother in law couple of times to ask if they had reached home and if the kids were okay. It was short.

Till this afternoon I called her and asked about my wife (I hadn’t spoken to my wife since she left). And all hell broke loose. Basically they both tag teamed me and said the entire thing is my fault. I had pushed their daughter to abuse drugs and drink since I was never around and never helped around the house (I only go to work 2 to 3 days out of the week and the rest of the days I work from home). It just kept coming one after the other. Sounded like I was the worst thing that had happened to her. After spending an hour on the phone and trying to rebuke what they were saying to no avail. I hung up saying I am at work and have to go. I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere.

I was dumbfounded with all this. Just to give you a little perspective till last week my wife was crying and telling me that I was the best husband anyone could ask for and she prays every girl should get someone like me. And she has hurt me a lot and I don’t deserve all this. I really don’t understand what happened.

I am not going to argue about slapping her. I know it was wrong and I know I shouldn’t have done that. But the sight of my baby hitting the floor sent me into a rage.

Now my question is what do I do? I miss my daughters so much that it physically hurts me. I would think about going home from work all day just to see them smile as I walked in the door. My usual self wants to call back and say I am sorry, yes you are right and I will change. Let’s work on the issues and get you better. But then that is how I enabled her. Her parents handed her everything without consequences. I never made her face consequences. The longest I would ever stay made is 10 mins and then it would be back to normal (I just think staying mad is a waste of time).

P.S. One thing I am sure everyone is thinking is that how could I be so oblivious and not see that she was under the influence of something. Well, I thought about it too. And then I came to the conclusion that she was a substance abuse counselor. She was assigned specifically to counsel people from the healthcare industry (physicians, nurses, lab technicians…etc who abused drugs). So she knew all the right things to say and I just believed her.

Windmills

You left because she dropped the baby but you left the baby behind?

ArmyOfOne

No no I didn't leave. That is why I was wanting to link to the other thread it has more info. I called my in laws and they came and got the babies and her to live with them for couple of weeks.

Learn2Live

Do you want your wife to come home? Even if she is still drinking and doing drugs? If so, you should tell her. Seems the in-laws are afraid and when people react out of fear they become irrational and defensive. And also, as in this case, offensive.

It sounds like your AW is blaming you for her drinking and drugging. And the parents believe her. It is common for those closest to the A to be blamed for their behavior. They also use a tactic, Divide and Conquer, with the people in their lives. They keep them separate from one another and pit one against the other. She is likely pitting her parents against you, and you against the parents. That way she, and her addictions, step completely out of the picture. Do not engage in a battle with the in-laws, otherwise the addiction wins and you lose.

sevenofnine

Hugs!

Thanks for sharing here. I think you will find lots of good information here to think about.

I think it sounds like your life is pretty unreasonable right now, and with your wife not truly on board with a recovery program, your options with her are extremely limited. I think its ok to be in a relationship with a recovering addict, but not with an active one (esp when kids are involved).
I have young kids and also specifically want to send my hugs to you because I get how hard the first three years are at the best of times. Its easy to see how the added stress, post partum etc, pile up and seem unbearable for both of you. The only good part is that they are young enough to be less affected by this drama. As long as you offer them a predictable routine, are caring and gentle with them, they will likely make it through whatever happens with minimal impacts compared to if they were old enough to contemplate the addiction directly.
Things are going to be hard for the next little while, I hope you keep coming here to find help and support.
Thanks for reaching out!

sevenofnine

also- read the stickies!

Kindeyes

Interesting that the in-laws initially uncovered the problem and now seem to have retreated into denial. I agree with L2L. This sounds like a divide and conquer tactic. It works great to get the limelight off the addict. The two parties usually don't even realize it's happening.

You sound quite level headed. It's real hard to stay that way when dealing with addiction. Often the addicts antics draw us in and we become every bit as crazy as they are (speaking for myself here). You sound like a very level headed person. It's hard to stay level headed when the chaos of addiction surrounds you. Addicts set booby traps and ambush.....learning to recognize them and defuse them is different than anything I've ever encountered.

Welcome to SR.......you are no longer an ArmyofOne........every single person here understands what you are dealing with.......arm yourself with knowledge.

gentle hugs
ke

kmangel

Unless your wife fully embraces recovery, she shouldn't be trusted around your children. Do what you can to obtain custody of your children.

ArmyOfOne

I have tears in my eyes as I am reading everyone's response. Thank you for caring and taking the time to read my post. I have felt very alone in all of this. And the forums have given me a platform to be heard.

I will paste the last post from the other site. To let everyone know where I stand right now.

ArmyOfOne

It’s been a while since I have posted anything: I started going to Al-Anon meetings, also purchased / received a lot of the material to read on my own. I am pleasantly surprised that most of the concepts I already knew and practiced in other facets of my life, just didn’t apply them to this situation. But it makes sense and I can see how it would change the situation for the better.

After talking and listening, reading different opinions; I decided to work on multiple things simultaneously.

- Hired an attorney, laid down a course of action within a certain time frame.
- Attending Al-Anon meetings regularly.
- Currently visiting my kids and wife (at the in laws) and accepted all the faults they were pointing out and pledged to change and show them that I can and am capable of listening to constructive criticism and mold myself accordingly.
- Started socializing the situation and discussing it with mutual as well as her friends (this seemed to help the most – for a while I felt like I was all alone in this)
- Also have reason to believe that this is not the first time drugs and alcohol has been abused, but it probably was recreational in nature.

I can honestly say that I feel better being close to my girls. Being able to spend time with them has made me realize more and more that I need to take care of myself and make sure that they at least have one sane and level headed parent who has their best interests at heart. I seem to be making some headway with the MIL. I have gotten her to admit that this is an ‘issue’ and it needs professional treatment. She is open to therapy. Although I still think she has apprehensions with the words ‘Disease’ and ‘Alcoholic’. To be completely honest I myself sometimes have to re read the Al-Anon literature to convince myself. It’s very easy to slip back into ‘she is doing this on purpose to hurt me and she can stop whenever she wants’.

It just hurts a lot to sit there and be calm and try to make this work. I feel like I have been betrayed, she (wife) pretended to be someone she wasn’t by hiding her past. And even the present – I am finding out more and more about her abuse which she lies about. There are times I feel like just exploding and letting her have it. And honestly want to make her suffer for what she has done / doing to the family. What crawls under my skin the worse is that I don’t see any remorse in her actions (although she has apologized in the past). She doesn’t seem like someone who is genuinely ashamed or remorseful of her actions. If anything she still has this feeling entitlement.

The road ahead is going to be very hard. But for now I am grateful to be near my daughters.

P.S. Thank you for everyone who took the time out to read and offer opinions. I would need your continued support to get through this.

interrupted

I'm so glad to read the update, it sounds like you're on the right track. We are all works in progress. I re-read the literature *all the time* - I still have regressions and find myself engaging in behavior that I know to be counter-productive. And I too have a hard time releasing the anger I've had for so long over the whole situation. I'm new here, but I know you've come to the right spot. Welcome!

ArmyOfOne

That meant a lot. Thank you!

ArmyOfOne

I am with you and I already have a pretty decent size document with dates, pictures and details of how the events unfolded. Please see my recent post.

ArmyOfOne

One more thing; I just found out last night that I am a poster child for co-dependency. I got the book 'co-dependent no more'.

I am just dumfounded that I did not know this about myself. Reading the sticky and some articles online put a lot of the relationships in perspective.

ArmyOfOne

I had a heart to heart with my wife couple of days ago and she agrees that there is a problem and that we need professional help. I just don't see her being gung-ho about the situation. She is not actively seeking out forums, or reading material or even making any attempts to schedule appointments on her own. I am doing all that for her. Is that normal? Is she agreeing because she feels she has to? And lets say she is playing along, would the counseling have any effect?

Would like to get some perspective from abusers.

LuvMySis

It sounds to me like she plans to continue to drink as usual, since she now has her parents taking care of the kids, and you moved closer to them. The arrangement is working well for her.

kmangel

You need to stop doing what your wife can do for herself. Let her fingers do the walking. It's about her health, her addiction. She is perfectly able to put some effort into getting help for herself. She's used to you doing everything for her, though, so she's willing to sit back and go along with whatever you come up with (perhaps not really willing, just to appease you). If she does the leg work she'll be more likely to follow through.