I realize I'm part of the problem, but still so ANGRY!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I realize I'm part of the problem, but still so ANGRY!
I have two children 9 & 12 and I end up volunteering for many of their activities. I actually enjoy working with children so it's something that I choose to do. Unfortunately, I have such a hard time interacting and working with other parents.
I've been angry, VERY angry for the past two days. I've been working with two other women for the past couple of months representing our pool's swim team. Our jobs were ill defined to begin with and I ended up doing most of the work. I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken advantage of and not appreciated. One of the women is particularly terse and bossy. I'm getting resentful because at times I feel like she is treating me like a member of her staff rather that a volunteer who is co-leading a position with her.
I haven't been able to shake this anger and I feel like I'm gong to explode. None of my old standbys are working - I tried losing myself in TV, food, and the Internet but I'm still mad, mad, mad! So I decided to post something here.
I'm not enjoying this feeling at all.
I want to pick up my toys, stomp my feet, and go home. But, there's a part of me that feels like this experience could turn into an opportunity for me to grow. I just need to figure out how I can get up enough nerve to confront these women and work out a solution.
Because, I'm noticing that this is cycle for me. It has happened with other jobs (both paid and volunteer) and other people. I take on too much because I don't know how to delegate (I like to control things) and I sometimes still have a difficult time asking for help. Then I hit a point were I get fed up and feel like I'm being taken advantage of. The opposite has also happened to me - I get teamed with a person that wants to do everything or micromanages my work. I then storm off because it's clear that they're a "control freak" and I HATE being told what to do.
I like to avoid confrontation, so I typically don't say ANYTHING until I get like this - ready to explode! The closest I get to trying to work things out is making passive aggressive remarks or by bad mouthing these people to others. I must be such a joy to work with! I'm great to have around, so happy, pleasant, and willing to please, until I'm not.
I have suddenly resigned from positions, abruptly ended friendships, and even had to switch churches once all because I don't know how to work through uncomfortable situations.
I really don't like the way that this feels and I so badly want to do something to make myself feel numb. However, as they say "The only way out is through!"
It's just so weird to see this cycle in a different light. I always looked at it from the victim's standpoint. But I'm starting to see that I'm part of the problem. At least that means that I can also be part of the solution!
I'm still scared about facing these women, telling them how I feel, and recommending that we do something different next year. Still not sure what something "different" is.
Not sure if anyone else can related, but thank you so much for letting me share.
db
I've been angry, VERY angry for the past two days. I've been working with two other women for the past couple of months representing our pool's swim team. Our jobs were ill defined to begin with and I ended up doing most of the work. I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken advantage of and not appreciated. One of the women is particularly terse and bossy. I'm getting resentful because at times I feel like she is treating me like a member of her staff rather that a volunteer who is co-leading a position with her.
I haven't been able to shake this anger and I feel like I'm gong to explode. None of my old standbys are working - I tried losing myself in TV, food, and the Internet but I'm still mad, mad, mad! So I decided to post something here.
I'm not enjoying this feeling at all.
I want to pick up my toys, stomp my feet, and go home. But, there's a part of me that feels like this experience could turn into an opportunity for me to grow. I just need to figure out how I can get up enough nerve to confront these women and work out a solution.
Because, I'm noticing that this is cycle for me. It has happened with other jobs (both paid and volunteer) and other people. I take on too much because I don't know how to delegate (I like to control things) and I sometimes still have a difficult time asking for help. Then I hit a point were I get fed up and feel like I'm being taken advantage of. The opposite has also happened to me - I get teamed with a person that wants to do everything or micromanages my work. I then storm off because it's clear that they're a "control freak" and I HATE being told what to do.
I like to avoid confrontation, so I typically don't say ANYTHING until I get like this - ready to explode! The closest I get to trying to work things out is making passive aggressive remarks or by bad mouthing these people to others. I must be such a joy to work with! I'm great to have around, so happy, pleasant, and willing to please, until I'm not.
I have suddenly resigned from positions, abruptly ended friendships, and even had to switch churches once all because I don't know how to work through uncomfortable situations.
I really don't like the way that this feels and I so badly want to do something to make myself feel numb. However, as they say "The only way out is through!"
It's just so weird to see this cycle in a different light. I always looked at it from the victim's standpoint. But I'm starting to see that I'm part of the problem. At least that means that I can also be part of the solution!
I'm still scared about facing these women, telling them how I feel, and recommending that we do something different next year. Still not sure what something "different" is.
Not sure if anyone else can related, but thank you so much for letting me share.
db
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
My job is such that I can get a very sudden influx of work in a days time. My boss retired leaving only me in my department (which used to have 4 full time people). There are others in other depts. that can help if I ask them. I didn't for A LONG TIME! It was my burden, I needed to control it or surely it would get done wrong. That drove me to the point of wanting to quit (been here 16 years, good job). Then I started asking for help & letting other people do it their way, nothing got messed up, my work load just got lighter. I find for me it's easier to ask for help early, when I don't really need it. Then the load is shared the whole way, not just when I feel like jumping off a cliff! I am also in a lot better state of mind, more approachable & people WANT to help me more, rather than the guy who is running around like a chicken with its head cut off! But ya, I can completely relate to wanting to scream & quit, but somehow I always get through it, what don't kill ya makes you stronger. Sometimes I really hate hearing that!
OhBoy
OhBoy
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
I live and work in another country and in another language. This has both helped and harmed my stunted ability to stand up for myself. For a little while I was getting stepped all over and taken advantage of. The dumb polite shallow American, if you will. I wanted people here to like me and I wanted to show people that even if I may not speak correctly, I can be trusted to do my job. Bending over backwards had the opposite effect!
After a lot of frustration, I started to use the phrase "No, I can't 'x'. But I can 'y'." I get a lot more respect, and my coworkers trust me more than they used to.
But I'm not sure how it would be for me in such a situation as you, dbh! I think I can use the language and cultural differences as sort of a way to close down the conversation... Your comment about being a joy to be around, until you aren't - is me too! But I think stating what you cannot do and then follow with what you can do is a good start. Good luck!
After a lot of frustration, I started to use the phrase "No, I can't 'x'. But I can 'y'." I get a lot more respect, and my coworkers trust me more than they used to.
But I'm not sure how it would be for me in such a situation as you, dbh! I think I can use the language and cultural differences as sort of a way to close down the conversation... Your comment about being a joy to be around, until you aren't - is me too! But I think stating what you cannot do and then follow with what you can do is a good start. Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
This is truly a recovery record for me!
Sharing here helped a great deal. When I felt a little calmer, I sent email to the women that I'm working with and asked if we could meet face to face to discuss how things went this year and what I would like to change next year. I was honest and said that I found some things frustrating.
I then tried to put it out of my head for awhile (as I can get obsessed and stuck when I'm faced with conflict). I took the kids out for ice cream and then escaped to a nail salon when my husband came home. I ended the evening with take-out Chinese and I watched "Sleepless in Seattle".
This morning I felt so much better. I got a chance to talk directly with one of the volunteers and I received an email from the other.
Neither of them realized that I was feeling over-worked and frustrated. Said I'm always so "happy", they thought that I wanted to be in control of everything. They would be more than willing to help out more if I just ask and tell them what I need!
Wow, what a change from the environment I grew up in! Ask for help?!? Tell them what you need?!?
Recovery for me is like trying to live in a foreign country. The "customs" from my previous country (my dysfunctional family) don't really work here. Gotta learn a whole new way of interacting.
Hope this almost 50 year old brain can learn some new tricks :-)
What is still puzzling me is why, when I faced with situations like this, my default reaction is to feel angry and unappreciated. I sometimes think of this mood as my "inner-teenager" because it reminds me of how I was as a teen angry, pouty, and sullen.
Maybe it comes from the time when I relied on external sources for my self-worth? Gotta say, that intellectually I know that LAST place you're going to be showered in appreciation is in volunteer positions.
So many things to learn and unlearn!
So grateful for the comments and the ability to share here.
Thank you!
db
Sharing here helped a great deal. When I felt a little calmer, I sent email to the women that I'm working with and asked if we could meet face to face to discuss how things went this year and what I would like to change next year. I was honest and said that I found some things frustrating.
I then tried to put it out of my head for awhile (as I can get obsessed and stuck when I'm faced with conflict). I took the kids out for ice cream and then escaped to a nail salon when my husband came home. I ended the evening with take-out Chinese and I watched "Sleepless in Seattle".
This morning I felt so much better. I got a chance to talk directly with one of the volunteers and I received an email from the other.
Neither of them realized that I was feeling over-worked and frustrated. Said I'm always so "happy", they thought that I wanted to be in control of everything. They would be more than willing to help out more if I just ask and tell them what I need!
Wow, what a change from the environment I grew up in! Ask for help?!? Tell them what you need?!?
Recovery for me is like trying to live in a foreign country. The "customs" from my previous country (my dysfunctional family) don't really work here. Gotta learn a whole new way of interacting.
Hope this almost 50 year old brain can learn some new tricks :-)
What is still puzzling me is why, when I faced with situations like this, my default reaction is to feel angry and unappreciated. I sometimes think of this mood as my "inner-teenager" because it reminds me of how I was as a teen angry, pouty, and sullen.
Maybe it comes from the time when I relied on external sources for my self-worth? Gotta say, that intellectually I know that LAST place you're going to be showered in appreciation is in volunteer positions.
So many things to learn and unlearn!
So grateful for the comments and the ability to share here.
Thank you!
db
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Give yourself credit for the major step of seeing that you do have some control over this.
The simple answer, of course, is no.
Years ago, I was doing volunteer work and had someone similar who laid it down, my way or the highway. Up until that point, I'd been very adaptable and flexible to anything anyone wanted, always finding ways to work around whatever was difficult for me, always very agreeable. But at that point, I had a large family, including not one, but two, brand new babies, and what she was asking was very difficult with our family schedule. What she wanted was a change from how things had always been done, and she was changing it to accommodate the wishes of an 18 year old with no family to consider.
I came up with yet another compromise, called the 18 year old to discuss it and was informed that 'the boss' told her not to talk to me.
I was hugely turned off. But at that point not even angry. That was just it. I never went back and figured they could find someone else to make use of the $3,000 piece of equipment they'd bought that only I knew how to use. Sadly for them, they never did. It still sits there, unused.
I loved what I was doing, but I finally had enough, both of the contortions she was expecting me to do with this whole big van load of children and two brand new babies, and maybe even moreso, the complete and utter disrespect. I have never regretted that decision. I felt like I'd regained some self respect.
You'll reach that stage, too, where you're perfectly happy just to say, "No."
The simple answer, of course, is no.
Years ago, I was doing volunteer work and had someone similar who laid it down, my way or the highway. Up until that point, I'd been very adaptable and flexible to anything anyone wanted, always finding ways to work around whatever was difficult for me, always very agreeable. But at that point, I had a large family, including not one, but two, brand new babies, and what she was asking was very difficult with our family schedule. What she wanted was a change from how things had always been done, and she was changing it to accommodate the wishes of an 18 year old with no family to consider.
I came up with yet another compromise, called the 18 year old to discuss it and was informed that 'the boss' told her not to talk to me.
I was hugely turned off. But at that point not even angry. That was just it. I never went back and figured they could find someone else to make use of the $3,000 piece of equipment they'd bought that only I knew how to use. Sadly for them, they never did. It still sits there, unused.
I loved what I was doing, but I finally had enough, both of the contortions she was expecting me to do with this whole big van load of children and two brand new babies, and maybe even moreso, the complete and utter disrespect. I have never regretted that decision. I felt like I'd regained some self respect.
You'll reach that stage, too, where you're perfectly happy just to say, "No."
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
dbh it really sounds you had a great breakthrough, congrats! I thought about my own volunteering and realized that I work hard and take over, just like when I freelanced and then started my own business. I "don't play well with others" I guess. It's my way or the highway. I took over the majority of those projects I was involved in and quit the ones I couldn't, LOL. Though it does sound like you had some reasonable women to deal with, whereas mine, not. -Or maybe that was my own warped perception. I have no problem saying NO to something I don't want to do or something I can't do, but if I do wan to be involved I have to do it right, meaning...my way. How much control is that? It's very interesting to look back over my volunteer career with this insight.
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