CodieBird

There were no nearby Al-Anon meetings last night and I was too drained and scattered from Bozo's phone harassment to travel. I was excited to get back to focusing on me early in the week, but digressed to 'blah' last night. Was up until after 2am this morning, but only in an utterly mindless way.

I did have the presence of mind to shut my phone off last night. Think I'll wait to turn it on until after my homestead chores are done and I've had a really good start to my day. I have a choice between a CoDA or Al-Anon meeting tonight. Am leaning towards CoDA, even though it's further away. CoDA meetings seem to keep a bit tighter focus than Al-Anon, at least around here. I was kinda blown away that my last Al-Anon meeting digressed into one attendee's diatribe about Chick-Fil-A's stance on marriage and the need for gun control. Neither had any bearing on his relationship with or recovery from the alcoholic in his life. Purely political posturing.

There is absolutely no reason that I should be sharing my phone account with an alcoholic who uses it (at my expense!) to abuse, manipulate and control me. Still, I'm nervous about canceling his phone number today. I don't expect that will stop his phone calls as his family members won't say no to his using their phones. I suspect it will increase the intensity and maybe the frequency of his phone calls at first, but it's probably the fastest way to extinguish the unnecessary back and forth. I don't think his parents' phones have or allow text, so he'll have to leave his surly voice mails and be done. I am going to set a short, fixed time span daily to check my phone and deal with any issues. Work is slow for the summer and I'm taking some recovery time before I go back. I won't be missing anything of critical importance.

I have just signed up for a political summit in Washington DC weekend after next. I struggled with this so much when the monster was still here. If I told him I was going, there would no doubt be a crisis or three beforehand that left me too broke or mentally exhausted to go. And then I'd be out my prepayment as well. I have wished to be more involved in political issues that affect me for quite some time, but knowing that I might have to run it by he who would sabotage my participation, or expect to accompany me looking like hell and making sure to say terribly ignorant, embarrassing or ugly things, made it unthinkable.

Isolation. So much isolation to which I let myself be subjected. Those on the outside looking in would probably have noted obvious signs that this was happening. To me, it was like always scanning for the most comfortable or least painful place to hop between all the hot coals. Those hot coals weren't just the attempts to isolate me. The constant barrage of slights and insults, then the denials and crazy making if I spoke up about it. His and his son's never ending crises and dramas, which were always far more important than anything to do with me. And of course those things were never resolved. They hung in the air like a convenient pendulum in case I might ever happen to have time or space to draw away for a moment. On and on...

There does grow an addiction from that. One that I'm the better off to be rid of, for sure, but it is very difficult to convert from a life that is constantly full of other people's problems to ... what seems like nothing? Other than the ABF and son, I have never been in the habit of allowing ongoing issues and problems to pile up and never got resolved, so I'm starting from a pretty clean slate here. I guess it's up to me to either handle that void in a positive manner or allow myself to be pulled back into the negative abyss again?

Babbling to find some clarity. Thanks for listening.

marie1960

I was also in the isolation trap. it was just so much easier to avoid the world, then to deal with reality.

The turning point for me was a work conference that XA wanted to accompany me. I knew this meeting was way too important, I just could not take the chance of him getting all drunked up during the day (while I was in a seminar) and having him make a fool of both of us at dinner. DING DING DING..... the light came on.

I was putting more emphasis on the conference than I was on my own wellbeing, and I was so looking to have the social interaction return to my life. The lonliness and isolation had taken it toll, it was all consuming.

I know it might be a hassle, but I would even consider changing my phone #. He is not worthy of any future consideration. He has absorbed too much of your life.

Enjoy your trip to DC, a change of scenery is always good for what ails us.
Take care now.

Pelican

Shut off his phone!

Take your power back!

XXXXXXXXXX

Absolutely.
X and I shared a phone account that his mom paid for. (A family plan that included her, him, me, my daughter, and her other son) After I moved out, I was feeling bad that she would have to pay so much for my phone and my daughter's so I told her I would pay her for our part of the bill.

Bad idea. He had online access to look at the bill. He actually called numbers on the bill and asked my friends and clients WHO they were, so beware and change your passwords if he has them until you shut him off. If he goes to the same carrier to get his next account, he might be able to keep the same number, but that's not for you to worry about.

CodieBird

No, he doesn't have any say over or access to the phone account. He would not be able to keep the number because he doesn't have the information he needs to claim it, nor was the number ever in his name. It was in my name. We never married, thank goodness.

I would savor changing my number, but there are more jobs connected to it (am a private contractor) than I could track down and correct easily. It is not something I could make happen overnight, but a worthy future goal fer shure. The most difficult part of this transition will be the cold turkey NC. We were awfully enmeshed after 4.5 years.

Have not turned on my phone today and won't until I've visited the phone office. Lowes is offering 12mos w/no finance charges on my card, so I can swing new doors and installation. That will be a good thing too. I better stop goofing around and get to town!

Relieved and nervous all at once. It's scary, but I put myself into the loving hands of my HP and Guardian Angels as I should have done all along in this ordeal. No doubt they were here for me anyway, but just like with the alcoholic, what others can do is limited when the addict won't seek help herself!