It has been 4 days
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: troupsburg,ny
Posts: 87
It has been 4 days
It has been 4 days since I have talked to my AS. I feel at times I am going crazy. I want to pick up the phone so bad. I know what I am doing is right for him and me but it hurts so bad to not know where he is, if he is ok.
When I feel the urge to call him, I just come here. It helps me to remember WHY I have to do this. It is like I have a fight going on inside me. My brain and my heart. My heart is screaming and hurting. My brain is telling me, DON'T do it stay strong. God help me!
When I feel the urge to call him, I just come here. It helps me to remember WHY I have to do this. It is like I have a fight going on inside me. My brain and my heart. My heart is screaming and hurting. My brain is telling me, DON'T do it stay strong. God help me!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
You're doing great. I know how hard it is. We are mothers and these are our children. We spent years trying to protect them and keep them safe. It's hard enough having to let go when addiction isn't involved. When it is, it's that much harder because our natural inclination is to make things easier for them.
God will help you, and we'll be here for support too.
God will help you, and we'll be here for support too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Oh I understand those feelings so well. It is very hard on a parent's heart.
Personally I know that I would stay in that crazy place if I didn't have SR and meetings. My son is currently living in a State Park......homeless.....without the benefit of a sleeping bag or tent. I haven't seen him since February.
I pray for him every single day.
I do understand how loudly your heart is screaming and how desparately your heart is hurting. It is possible to relieve some of that when you're ready.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Personally I know that I would stay in that crazy place if I didn't have SR and meetings. My son is currently living in a State Park......homeless.....without the benefit of a sleeping bag or tent. I haven't seen him since February.
I pray for him every single day.
I do understand how loudly your heart is screaming and how desparately your heart is hurting. It is possible to relieve some of that when you're ready.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
When it gets really hard for me and I feel my brain and heart running in circles, I remind myself that the very best thing I can do for my beloved son is to step off the crazy train in my head. That is how I help him, by seeking peace. This doesn't mean there is some guaranteed outcome of "success" for my son because I choose the path of surrender and serenity. It just means what it means: I am applying the very best "medicine" I can by doing whatever it takes to calm myself and release my son to God.
Sometimes I tell myself "If you love him so much, do the hardest and best thing you can for him--stay strong, centered, calm. And leave him and the outcome in the keeping of Providence."
Wishing you peace at this time.
Sometimes I tell myself "If you love him so much, do the hardest and best thing you can for him--stay strong, centered, calm. And leave him and the outcome in the keeping of Providence."
Wishing you peace at this time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
What can you do for yourself today? Make a list of activities that will take your mind off your son for awhile and start doing some of them.
If something bad is going to happen to your son, you'll worry enough about it when it happens- there is no point in worrying now about something that hasn't happened yet. You'll be his best support if you are in a healthy place yourself.
If something bad is going to happen to your son, you'll worry enough about it when it happens- there is no point in worrying now about something that hasn't happened yet. You'll be his best support if you are in a healthy place yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: troupsburg,ny
Posts: 87
Thank you all for the support. Everyday when I wake up and come downstairs and see him not here it just starts all over again. I just can not stop crying.
If you all could have met him, you would fall in love with him. He was just that kind of person. He drew people to him. It just hurts sooo bad to see this person he has become.
He had a friend that he found out was hooked on heroin, he called him told him to come home and get clean or his next call would be to the guys mother. HE did it. He has another friend just recently addicted to oxies and my son got his friend to go to a meeting. The friend is still going to meetings and doing good. That is the kind of person he is.
Why can he not do this for his self?
I WANT MY SON BACK!!!!
If you all could have met him, you would fall in love with him. He was just that kind of person. He drew people to him. It just hurts sooo bad to see this person he has become.
He had a friend that he found out was hooked on heroin, he called him told him to come home and get clean or his next call would be to the guys mother. HE did it. He has another friend just recently addicted to oxies and my son got his friend to go to a meeting. The friend is still going to meetings and doing good. That is the kind of person he is.
Why can he not do this for his self?
I WANT MY SON BACK!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello October Rain, just sending you some support and understanding. I totally am where you are, last saw my son on Mothers day and then he disappeared after stealing from us again. I love my son but I WON'T settle for a relationship with the demon possessing him right now. I think Praying Mama is right, we need to take our hands off of our children so that HP can intervene on the timeline which is meant to be. I have more peace each day that I embrace this belief. Stay calm and keep posting, it really helps
Hugs
Teresa
Hugs
Teresa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: troupsburg,ny
Posts: 87
Now i got a message from one of his friends he helped. He has been trying to get a hold of my AS and he will not return his calls.
I am getting that sick feeling in my stomach again. It has only been 4 days. i know I have to resist the urge to call him so he knows I mean it this time.
I am scared!
I am getting that sick feeling in my stomach again. It has only been 4 days. i know I have to resist the urge to call him so he knows I mean it this time.
I am scared!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Octoberrain:
We all walk with you in this. I know how you feel, it would be so easy to take them in and take care of them in this sick state. But then, we become sick too and we are of no use to anyone, including our children. That's what I keep thinking...it's a lose-lose situation when I put myself in it too. We parents must be a guiding light to our children lost in this drug induced darkness. I can't go into the darkness with them or we all be lost. I must stay in the light of my recovery program, and hopefully they follow. I do this with heavy heart, but it's the only way I am able to stay sane.
Keep the faith. I will be praying for you and your son.
Huggs,
HOpe
We all walk with you in this. I know how you feel, it would be so easy to take them in and take care of them in this sick state. But then, we become sick too and we are of no use to anyone, including our children. That's what I keep thinking...it's a lose-lose situation when I put myself in it too. We parents must be a guiding light to our children lost in this drug induced darkness. I can't go into the darkness with them or we all be lost. I must stay in the light of my recovery program, and hopefully they follow. I do this with heavy heart, but it's the only way I am able to stay sane.
Keep the faith. I will be praying for you and your son.
Huggs,
HOpe
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I'm sorry that you have to be scared like this. I remember exactly how that feels. After going through that several times with my son & being practically hysterical with fear & worry for him, I then would remind myself how many times he always eventually showed up & was alive & still just doing his deal. I would be so upset with myself, because he was just going on doing his stuff & not even caring or acting like he was doing anything that he shouldn't be, while I was sick with worry & couldn't even function. I finally was able to turn him over to God's care. I understand so well how you feel, but I really hope that you will be able to turn your son over to God's care soon. You'll lose your mind & your health like I did, if you don't, & it won't change a thing with your son. **************{HUGS}}}}}}}
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Dear Octoberrain - I can't imagine what you are going through - how tough this must be for you... but just to say you are in my prayers.... I have not lost a son to addiction - but I lost my brother in a car crash....I learnt then, to surrender. I knew absolutely that if I did not hand the pain over to the Higher Power - to God - then I as a human being, with all my human weaknesses - would not have survived the unbearable loss....
I have been told that when a 'child' is an addict - it is as awful as actually losing them to death - it is like a living death....
Surrender. Trust in God. Trust in this life.... pray for his recovery. Pray for peace to settle in your soul. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. Believe in YOURSELF that you will survive this terrible journey. Don't focus on the past and DON'T focus on the future - with all the 'what if's'.... just focus on the ABSOLUTE NOW - this very moment. As you read this post - there is NOTHING you can do about anything - but you can love yourself - and do something for yourself.... you have to live in the NOW...
God bless you and your family
I have been told that when a 'child' is an addict - it is as awful as actually losing them to death - it is like a living death....
Surrender. Trust in God. Trust in this life.... pray for his recovery. Pray for peace to settle in your soul. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. Believe in YOURSELF that you will survive this terrible journey. Don't focus on the past and DON'T focus on the future - with all the 'what if's'.... just focus on the ABSOLUTE NOW - this very moment. As you read this post - there is NOTHING you can do about anything - but you can love yourself - and do something for yourself.... you have to live in the NOW...
God bless you and your family
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
It is so hard to wait but that is what we have to do. Keep resisting the urge to interfere with the life your son has chosen. Hopefully the day of his realizing to get help will come soon.
I took up crafting after my son came home from rehab. It helped keep my mind off of what he was doing. Never knew how much I would enjoy crafting. The silver lining in this mess we all know as addiction! I'm working on Christmas presents right now.
I took up crafting after my son came home from rehab. It helped keep my mind off of what he was doing. Never knew how much I would enjoy crafting. The silver lining in this mess we all know as addiction! I'm working on Christmas presents right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I had a nice chat face2face with a young man who is in recovery last night. His words were so comforting. I don't think he'll mind if I share them with you.
He told me:
The addict inside me doesn't allow me to see beyond a few inches....a few moments. I didnt think about how my addiction was affecting my loved ones and manipulating them was critical to those few inches of "sight". The worse I could make them feel, the better. I could then get them to do what I needed them to do to continue using. Keeping them in the grasp of fear was the easiest way of controlling them. It's what addicts do. But the whole time.....I felt like I was the biggest piece of s*** on the face of the planet. Letting go of your son is the most loving thing you can do for him. It's the only way he will find the fight and fire within himself to begin recovery.
I've heard this so many times before from recovering addicts and here on SR....but hearing it from a young man near the same age as my son was a gut punch. It was a great conversation.
I pray that our sons find their fight and fire......and we need to remember that we can't give it to them......but we can sure take it away.
gentle hugs
ke
He told me:
The addict inside me doesn't allow me to see beyond a few inches....a few moments. I didnt think about how my addiction was affecting my loved ones and manipulating them was critical to those few inches of "sight". The worse I could make them feel, the better. I could then get them to do what I needed them to do to continue using. Keeping them in the grasp of fear was the easiest way of controlling them. It's what addicts do. But the whole time.....I felt like I was the biggest piece of s*** on the face of the planet. Letting go of your son is the most loving thing you can do for him. It's the only way he will find the fight and fire within himself to begin recovery.
I've heard this so many times before from recovering addicts and here on SR....but hearing it from a young man near the same age as my son was a gut punch. It was a great conversation.
I pray that our sons find their fight and fire......and we need to remember that we can't give it to them......but we can sure take it away.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
((OctoberRain))) I'm so sorry for your pain, but you are being very strong. We all want the same outcome for our children - to be free from drugs and to be healthy. Though there are no guarantees in the outcome no matter what we do, we can know that we have done everything possible until we can do it no longer.
I like what you said about if you really love your son, you will do what's best for him. In my enabling, I often think.. well, I feel better now....now that I've done something else to help. I need to stop worrying about how "I" feel when something if done for him.
Praying your son will find the light soon. I care.
I like what you said about if you really love your son, you will do what's best for him. In my enabling, I often think.. well, I feel better now....now that I've done something else to help. I need to stop worrying about how "I" feel when something if done for him.
Praying your son will find the light soon. I care.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 160
HUGS! you sound like you already know you are doing the right thing.
Here's something I do that helps me deal with stress and pain- I rename it. I'm a fit person and have had the chance to climb a few mountains, and I use those memories as the setting for visualizations. Some people visualize a tranquil beach or a flowery meadow to relax, but for me that never helps because it just reminds me of how not like that I feel. I visualize the mountain climbing because on those paths I would get to a place of feeling so spent and tired and sore that I couldn't make it, and I had to push myself really hard to keep going. At the time it would seem that the whole world disappeared and all there was was me taking breaths and focusing on just getting one foot in front of the other. A mountain path has crest after crest where it looks like you are getting to the top only to come around the corner and see that there is just more climbing to go. That is how my pain is- just one challenge after another. Visualizing myself walking the mountain path, I breath in deep and remember how I managed to push through the pain, one little step at a time. That actually got me through giving birth my second time- imagining each contraction as another crest. Why it helps so much for me I think is because instead of running away from my pain, I'm embracing it as just another element on the path, a path I'm quite determined to continue on despite the challenge.
Its the same with stress. Stress feels like sweating, palpitations, shakiness and heartache. But in a way, so does extreme happiness. Looking at my baby son for the first time had my heart aching stronger than anything in the world! So when I'd get nervous about attending school, for example, and I felt that way, I try to remind myself that these reactions aren't necessarily negative- I try to reframe it in my head and say "my heart is beating because I am excited". Learning to not be afraid of the physical sensations of stress has been really important for my own ability to handle it.
So what I'm thinking here is that you might look at all those negative feelings in a new way. Maybe think "My heart aches because I have such a big capacity to love, and since this is scary, I am right to feel this way" and maybe imagine that this is just a hard section of your hike up this mountain, but that you ARE fit enough to keep going and push through it.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I just wanted to add it to the list of coping strategies and self care ideas I have read here. You sound like you need a little of both, and I hope we can support each other through these hard times.
Here's something I do that helps me deal with stress and pain- I rename it. I'm a fit person and have had the chance to climb a few mountains, and I use those memories as the setting for visualizations. Some people visualize a tranquil beach or a flowery meadow to relax, but for me that never helps because it just reminds me of how not like that I feel. I visualize the mountain climbing because on those paths I would get to a place of feeling so spent and tired and sore that I couldn't make it, and I had to push myself really hard to keep going. At the time it would seem that the whole world disappeared and all there was was me taking breaths and focusing on just getting one foot in front of the other. A mountain path has crest after crest where it looks like you are getting to the top only to come around the corner and see that there is just more climbing to go. That is how my pain is- just one challenge after another. Visualizing myself walking the mountain path, I breath in deep and remember how I managed to push through the pain, one little step at a time. That actually got me through giving birth my second time- imagining each contraction as another crest. Why it helps so much for me I think is because instead of running away from my pain, I'm embracing it as just another element on the path, a path I'm quite determined to continue on despite the challenge.
Its the same with stress. Stress feels like sweating, palpitations, shakiness and heartache. But in a way, so does extreme happiness. Looking at my baby son for the first time had my heart aching stronger than anything in the world! So when I'd get nervous about attending school, for example, and I felt that way, I try to remind myself that these reactions aren't necessarily negative- I try to reframe it in my head and say "my heart is beating because I am excited". Learning to not be afraid of the physical sensations of stress has been really important for my own ability to handle it.
So what I'm thinking here is that you might look at all those negative feelings in a new way. Maybe think "My heart aches because I have such a big capacity to love, and since this is scary, I am right to feel this way" and maybe imagine that this is just a hard section of your hike up this mountain, but that you ARE fit enough to keep going and push through it.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I just wanted to add it to the list of coping strategies and self care ideas I have read here. You sound like you need a little of both, and I hope we can support each other through these hard times.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: troupsburg,ny
Posts: 87
seven and everyone. thank you.
I had to come back today. It has been a hard one. I have been crying on and off all day and it is not even 12 yet. hehe
But after coming back and reading all your kind support I will not let it all go in vain! I am going to go over and blast my music and pickle me some eggs!
later When it cools down I think I will do a little fishing
I had to come back today. It has been a hard one. I have been crying on and off all day and it is not even 12 yet. hehe
But after coming back and reading all your kind support I will not let it all go in vain! I am going to go over and blast my music and pickle me some eggs!
later When it cools down I think I will do a little fishing
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