oneday66

My husband is over 2 months in recovery from crack addiction... he's thrown himself into outpatient rehab, 6 Aa meetings a week, big book, sponsor steps spirituality , all of it.... Im grateful...he's also unemployed and Im supporting us... he promised to be out of the house being productive during the day (his meetings are at night)....that's not happening....he's home watching espn.. applying for a job here and there...and today when i came home early i caught him masturbating.... basically the stuff he used to do except minus the drugs... it really upset me and i told him i can't tolerate this, its old behavior and we get into a huge fight...we are on the verge of divorce.... He was throwing things at me calling me an unsupportive c**nt... Im miserable and wish this and he would go away....he says Im a threat to his recovery but he won't leave.... Im really confused...sorry

laurie6781

So sorry you are going through this, but glad that you felt secure enough to
vent here!

First, not making excuses but your RAH is in very early recovery. Sounds to
me like he is still in the "doing the right thing without enthusiasm" or just
"going through the motions."

Recovery is a very long process, for the rest of his life. Having been where
he is a long time ago, I am not excusing his behaviors but I do understand
them. He is fearful, he is confused, he does not know if he is coming or
going, he has no self esteem (but a lot of bravado to compensate), does not
know if he can do this, and ................ his body is still craving.

It is in this early recovery it is almost necessary for ourselves to treat them
as if they were still using. Back away and watch the actions from afar. Detach,
if you can.

Please figure out your boundaries and what you will do if they are crossed. I
understand your wanting him to get out during the day and do something
constructive, but I doubt if at 2 months into recovery if that is even possible.

He probably would do better or worse in a Sober Living House, because there
he would have no choice but to get a job, any job, to pay for his room and
board and would have 'chores' to do every day besides.

Since that is not the case, you have to decide if a separation would be best
for you two or not.

When tings like this come out of his mouth, your standard can be "go talk to
your sponsor." It will start to sound like a broken record, but eventually as
you discontinue in 'engaging' in the verbal 'go rounds' he will get it and go
talk to his sponsor.

Of course you are confused. You both are in early recovery and it feels
like you are still on the roller coaster. Because you are.

I have no quick solutions for you, however, please continue to work on you
as that is the only way to find some closure, and growth.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so
very much. Remember you can cry, rant, rave, scream and even laugh
here.

Love and hugs,

lesliej

sometimes it's easy around "not using"/early recovery to get into somewhat of a black&white way of thinking, as in "when the crack disappears it seems like all the behaviors should go with it"

"I'm miserable and wish this and he would go away..."

he CAN go away, as Laurie mentioned...many couples separate in early recovery and sober houses are perfect for that! this sort of arrangement would be probably very helpful, constructive, and a relief for both of you....it is certainly a shade of GREY in thinking...

black=stay together in the house miserable
white=get a divorce

grey=separate living for awhile...he can get a job, do chores and live among other addicts attempting recovery who won't take his BS! and you can find some peace at home while pursuing your own recovery as well...

hey, maybe you can even plan a date night...and see if you even still like each other.

lightseeker

Hi Oneday,

I'm sorry for what you are going through and understand your confusion. My ex husband was a crack addict and went through this process in 2005/2006. I remember how extremely difficult it all was.

I understand what he is going through - BUT! I'm interested in you. I wasn't aware that calling me names (and C**T was one of his favorites...ususally in conjunction with fat) is ABUSIVE. Plain and simple - and I don't care if he is using/not using/never used. You are being treated abusively and nothing he is going through warrants that behavior and treatment. You are entitled to more than that. I just took it and took it - never realizing that this name calling and how he was treating me is really considered abuse. You don't have to be hit with a fist - you can be hit with words.

The thing that helped me the most when I was in your shoes was to go to Naranon. Those women and men really got me and my situation. I learned about detachment and boundaries. My husband would not leave either and I simply could not control his willingness to leave. I had the options though of getting a court order or leaving myself. It took me until 2011 to leave. I was fearful of the financial repercussions and so I stayed. Honestly, it almost destroyed me. I wish that I had stepped back during that 1st year of his sobriety. Then I could have rationally assessed whether he really was working a program and how it all was going to turn out.

I know that everyone's situation is different as are their circumstances. It sounds like you are carrying a heavy load and only you can decide what is appropriate in your situation. Remember though - you have nothing to do with whether he uses or not. You didn't cause it, you are the cause if he picks up, you can't control it, and you definitely can't cure it. We are just not that powerful although it is easy for the addictive person to blame us and manipulate us into being an excuse for those behaviors.

We are all entitled to certain rights and treatments - and being called names is not appropriate treatment in my book. You are likely worn out from carrying the financial burden of it all as well.

Mainly, I just want to support you and let you know that you are a very valuable woman. Your life matters. You are smart and capable and you will figure this out. When you are dealing with addiction and abuse (sorry - that's what that is) it's a deal breaker. You are not expected to stand by ANYONE and be treated that way. It's easy to fall victim to the concepts of staying with someone for better or worse/sickness or health. Remember to look a little bit deeper and consider where the line is drawn with the qualifying factors.

Also, remember that by stepping back you are NOT abandoning him. You wouldn't be making any decisions other than to take care of your self. I've not divorced my husband at this point because he is self employed and does not have insurance. I'm not abandoning him - I'm just detaching to where it is that someone can't call me names and disrupt my sanity/serenity and ability to live a healthy life.

Again, no one can tell you when or what to do and I'm not trying to do that. I just hope that these points are something that you will consider and mull over. I read some books by Patricia Evans and it really helped me to better understand what is and isn't acceptable behavior. I was really messed up and put up with inappropriate things for a long time - I just had no idea that "normal" people are not talked to that way.

Keep posting - I'm glad that you have found us. One last thing - do you have kids? That's a huge part of the equation as well if you do...