New here-my story to share
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 6
New here-my story to share
Hello Everyone,
I have found SoberRecovery about a week ago while looking up information on alcoholism.
Almost four months ago I have met a man whom I gradually developed deep affection for. When we met he has told me that he was a recovering alcoholic, going to AA meetings, working on staying sober. He has said he had a few relapses. The last one he had was very serious; he ended up in a hospital.
I was hesitant about dating him first. I have grown up with an alcoholic parent. I have been attending coda and al-anon meetings for 3 years and have been in individual therapy for 8 years. Knowing that this is possibly not a healthy situation for me, I proceeded anyways. I have felt a very strong attraction to this guy; makes complete sense, he had exhibited something I was already very familiar with. I have read some posts here about the dynamics of the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant, our relationship was the perfect example of that. Me the Love Addict, him the Avoidant.
When we first met, it was more about sex than anything. After a while we started spending more and more time talking and hanging out, enjoying each others company. We started dating. I guess kind of doing it backwards, but it seemed to go well.
I have been in two long term relationship in my life. The first one of eight years with my first bf (first person I have slept with) and another guy for four years in my early thirties. I also dated a guy last year for about seven months. None of these relationships were healthy and there is a common thread to all of them. Me, picking people who are not emotionally or sexually available and me working really HARD to earn their love and appreciation. There was one relationship where I felt like I was the love Avoidant. He was overly dependent, needy, demanding, jealous and verbally abusive. I felt suffocated. Anyways...back to my last relationship with the alcoholic.
It seemed very different from all my other relationships. I did not have an emotional numbness and disconnection. I felt very sensually and emotionally connected to him. When we spent time together, time seemed to stand still and for the first time since childhood I was able to be present in the moment. We would garden together, quietly planting next to each other, and in this quiet connectedness I felt so happy. We would talk for hours, cook together. He would make me lunches for work if I stayed over at his house. Play with his dogs. Watch movies...
But in other areas there were problems. He was very inconsistent with making plans. I often would get frustrated because I could not make plans with him until the last minute. I would usually see him on the weekends or once during the week because I live in the city and he was in the burbs about 40mins away. I felt frustrated about the lack of planning or solid plans. I have voiced my frustration. In the same time I also tried to have a dialog with myself about the importance of having other things going on in my life, not putting this guy on the pedestal and putting everything in my life on hold for him. I figured this time I needed to go slow and be comfortable with some space. He constantly talked about me meeting his family, but he never got around to it. He told me that he talks about me to them all the time and his family is surprised why they have not met me yet. Good question...
But there were red flags. He had a road rage problem. He had anger problems. He had tons of weird stories about his past, him always being the victim. He had stories about burning bridges and being inconsistent with friends. He had financial problems. He complained about women in the past cheating on him and having shallow motives to "trap him in relationships".
It's like you know how they say, if you give someone enough rope, they will eventually hang themselves. Listening to his stories a person started to emerge that I really did not want to see.
About 3 weeks ago I noticed he started pulling away. He cancelled plans and became even more erratic. He mentioned having the urge to drink a beer number of times. He had gone to two funerals and he did not seem to cope well. I asked him if he would go to an AA meeting or talk to his sponsor, but he did not seem motivated to do so.
On Thursday he called me at work and told me he has been drinking since the night before. I tried to remain non-judgmental and calm. Asked him how he was holding up. He started talking like floodgates opened up. He was never very verbally affectionate. He never really said if we were in a relationship or not, whether he liked me or how he felt about me. Never really said I was pretty or any other compliments. I often felt sad about this because my compliments were not recriprocated.
But now that he has been drinking he told me that he has really hard time with emotionally closeness and he has been struggling with it since we have met. In fact he has almost broken up with me the week before because being this close to someone feels really difficult for him, even though he wants to have that more than anything. He said that he realized that he has been falling in love with me and he wants to be with me. He said he has never been able to let someone in, but he felt like he might be able to do it with me. He said he loved me. All of this hit me like a freight train. Tears running...I had no idea he felt this way about me. I told him this was a lot to digest at once, but that I love him too and I have known for a while now. I told him how much I enjoyed spending time with him.
While I was on the phone with him I tried gauging how much he has been drinking. I was worried. From what he has told me he binge drinks for weeks until his body gives out. I knew I could not stop him, but I wanted to see if was able at least slow down a bit. I figured if he is still talking to people on the phone, he is not isolation himself completely, its some connection still. That night his niece contacted me on facebook. I have also contacted his sister on fb as well.
I had a really amazing conversation with his niece on the phone. She knew a lot about addiction. I really felt great to talk to someone who was familiar with the lingo and had a very introspective way of looking at things.
She has told me that he has had many relapses and he has been in rehab. His family has been trying to help him practicing though love, but rather inconsistently. She said that he told them that I already checked on him recently, so there is no need to see him by his family. Of course it was a lie, he wanted to be left alone with his best buddy: alcohol.
I was really torn, debating if I should go and and check on him. He lives very far from me, it would have involved a commuter train ride and a long suburban cab ride. I also did not think it would be a good idea to be stuck out there with a drunk person by myself.
The next day his family called and wanted to see if I would like to join them to go check on him. I did. Again I had a really long chat with his niece during the car ride, which was incredibly helpful. She had such insight into the situation. I just kept thinking wow this woman validates every thought I have had!
When we got there he was sleeping naked in his unmade bed covered in chips and his room covered in beer cans. He has already consumed 2 liters of vodka and almost an entire 24 pack within 1.5 days. He woke up and was pissed off at everyone for coming over. His family argued with him, which seemed very counter-productive. I ended up staying since his roommates were there. His family was off to a wedding. He said he was happy to see me because he felt like I didnt judge him and he could talk to me about drinking without being defensive.
He tried tapering off that weekend. He asked me to stay with him while he did that. He said he has done this before, at the end of binges, he tapers off so that he does not go into severe DT. That night he went into DT, it was pretty bad. By the morning he seemed better, he went for a walk, watered his garden and cooked some food. We cleaned his room. He said in a few hours he will take a few xanax to control his anxiety that comes with getting off booze. I felt concerned about this; knowing that he consumed copious amounts of booze this past days, it might take longer than 10 hours to clear his system. He said that once he took xanax he cannot drink.
Things seemed okay for a while, him and his roommates and I played cards and took the dogs for a walk to help him with his restlessness and anxiety. His roommate and I left the card table to smoke a cigarette (I normally dont smoke but had one of his roommates) and while we were outside he drank a bottle of booze he hid somewhere. When we came back he told us. It was scary. At this point he had 3 xanax (.5mg) in his system. I told him that this combo can kill him. He was going downhill really fast, slurring and staggering. He started getting really mean and threatening to everyone. He told me to get out. It was like Jackyll and Hyde. Wow. very upsetting.
I asked his roommates to give me a ride to the train. He saw me talking to his roommates and became paranoid yelling F**k you to all of us. I had to get out of there. Once I got home I called his family and let them know what was going on. I was going to wash my hands of the situation; even though I was very concerned for his life and safety. They asked me for his roommates phone numbers, which I gave to them.
The next day he calls me at work drunk and curses me out for giving his roommates number to his family. He told me that he never wanted to talk to me again and deleted me on facebook. That was pretty awful, but I did not want to engage in any more of the drama.
The next day his niece calls me and tells me that I should not talk to him even if he is sober, she has found out some info about him, he is much sicker than she has though. I guess he has been sleeping with 2-4 women per week while he was with me. All anonymous sex partners. He has a sex and porn addiction.
I felt like the world slipping under my feet hearing all this. Just the sheer amount of deception he has been fabricating. I could not believe it. Also the fact that he was exposing me to diseases, while he told me we were exclusive. I felt like throwing up.
I got tested within the next few days. All test came back negative. I will have to get retested for HIV in 6 months.
He has left me number of voice-mail saying how sorry he is about how he treated me and that he cares about me and loves me. Except he does not know that I know about his sex addiction and the slew of people he was having sex with behind my back.
He finally agreed to go to 90 day rehab after his family staged an intervention. He has been evicted from his house and he might loose his dogs. SO sad. I know that of there was anything he cared about was his dogs. They were his babies.
I texted him and said its probably the best for both of us if we did not talk and wished him the best with his recovery towards health and peace.
I am seeing my therapist, talking to friends. But I deeply feel the loss of this person. Even though he was such a jerk and a liar. Why? I wish I could just stop loving him. I know I cannot be with him. Just feeling sad...
Can any of you relate?
Thanks for listening!
I have found SoberRecovery about a week ago while looking up information on alcoholism.
Almost four months ago I have met a man whom I gradually developed deep affection for. When we met he has told me that he was a recovering alcoholic, going to AA meetings, working on staying sober. He has said he had a few relapses. The last one he had was very serious; he ended up in a hospital.
I was hesitant about dating him first. I have grown up with an alcoholic parent. I have been attending coda and al-anon meetings for 3 years and have been in individual therapy for 8 years. Knowing that this is possibly not a healthy situation for me, I proceeded anyways. I have felt a very strong attraction to this guy; makes complete sense, he had exhibited something I was already very familiar with. I have read some posts here about the dynamics of the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant, our relationship was the perfect example of that. Me the Love Addict, him the Avoidant.
When we first met, it was more about sex than anything. After a while we started spending more and more time talking and hanging out, enjoying each others company. We started dating. I guess kind of doing it backwards, but it seemed to go well.
I have been in two long term relationship in my life. The first one of eight years with my first bf (first person I have slept with) and another guy for four years in my early thirties. I also dated a guy last year for about seven months. None of these relationships were healthy and there is a common thread to all of them. Me, picking people who are not emotionally or sexually available and me working really HARD to earn their love and appreciation. There was one relationship where I felt like I was the love Avoidant. He was overly dependent, needy, demanding, jealous and verbally abusive. I felt suffocated. Anyways...back to my last relationship with the alcoholic.
It seemed very different from all my other relationships. I did not have an emotional numbness and disconnection. I felt very sensually and emotionally connected to him. When we spent time together, time seemed to stand still and for the first time since childhood I was able to be present in the moment. We would garden together, quietly planting next to each other, and in this quiet connectedness I felt so happy. We would talk for hours, cook together. He would make me lunches for work if I stayed over at his house. Play with his dogs. Watch movies...
But in other areas there were problems. He was very inconsistent with making plans. I often would get frustrated because I could not make plans with him until the last minute. I would usually see him on the weekends or once during the week because I live in the city and he was in the burbs about 40mins away. I felt frustrated about the lack of planning or solid plans. I have voiced my frustration. In the same time I also tried to have a dialog with myself about the importance of having other things going on in my life, not putting this guy on the pedestal and putting everything in my life on hold for him. I figured this time I needed to go slow and be comfortable with some space. He constantly talked about me meeting his family, but he never got around to it. He told me that he talks about me to them all the time and his family is surprised why they have not met me yet. Good question...
But there were red flags. He had a road rage problem. He had anger problems. He had tons of weird stories about his past, him always being the victim. He had stories about burning bridges and being inconsistent with friends. He had financial problems. He complained about women in the past cheating on him and having shallow motives to "trap him in relationships".
It's like you know how they say, if you give someone enough rope, they will eventually hang themselves. Listening to his stories a person started to emerge that I really did not want to see.
About 3 weeks ago I noticed he started pulling away. He cancelled plans and became even more erratic. He mentioned having the urge to drink a beer number of times. He had gone to two funerals and he did not seem to cope well. I asked him if he would go to an AA meeting or talk to his sponsor, but he did not seem motivated to do so.
On Thursday he called me at work and told me he has been drinking since the night before. I tried to remain non-judgmental and calm. Asked him how he was holding up. He started talking like floodgates opened up. He was never very verbally affectionate. He never really said if we were in a relationship or not, whether he liked me or how he felt about me. Never really said I was pretty or any other compliments. I often felt sad about this because my compliments were not recriprocated.
But now that he has been drinking he told me that he has really hard time with emotionally closeness and he has been struggling with it since we have met. In fact he has almost broken up with me the week before because being this close to someone feels really difficult for him, even though he wants to have that more than anything. He said that he realized that he has been falling in love with me and he wants to be with me. He said he has never been able to let someone in, but he felt like he might be able to do it with me. He said he loved me. All of this hit me like a freight train. Tears running...I had no idea he felt this way about me. I told him this was a lot to digest at once, but that I love him too and I have known for a while now. I told him how much I enjoyed spending time with him.
While I was on the phone with him I tried gauging how much he has been drinking. I was worried. From what he has told me he binge drinks for weeks until his body gives out. I knew I could not stop him, but I wanted to see if was able at least slow down a bit. I figured if he is still talking to people on the phone, he is not isolation himself completely, its some connection still. That night his niece contacted me on facebook. I have also contacted his sister on fb as well.
I had a really amazing conversation with his niece on the phone. She knew a lot about addiction. I really felt great to talk to someone who was familiar with the lingo and had a very introspective way of looking at things.
She has told me that he has had many relapses and he has been in rehab. His family has been trying to help him practicing though love, but rather inconsistently. She said that he told them that I already checked on him recently, so there is no need to see him by his family. Of course it was a lie, he wanted to be left alone with his best buddy: alcohol.
I was really torn, debating if I should go and and check on him. He lives very far from me, it would have involved a commuter train ride and a long suburban cab ride. I also did not think it would be a good idea to be stuck out there with a drunk person by myself.
The next day his family called and wanted to see if I would like to join them to go check on him. I did. Again I had a really long chat with his niece during the car ride, which was incredibly helpful. She had such insight into the situation. I just kept thinking wow this woman validates every thought I have had!
When we got there he was sleeping naked in his unmade bed covered in chips and his room covered in beer cans. He has already consumed 2 liters of vodka and almost an entire 24 pack within 1.5 days. He woke up and was pissed off at everyone for coming over. His family argued with him, which seemed very counter-productive. I ended up staying since his roommates were there. His family was off to a wedding. He said he was happy to see me because he felt like I didnt judge him and he could talk to me about drinking without being defensive.
He tried tapering off that weekend. He asked me to stay with him while he did that. He said he has done this before, at the end of binges, he tapers off so that he does not go into severe DT. That night he went into DT, it was pretty bad. By the morning he seemed better, he went for a walk, watered his garden and cooked some food. We cleaned his room. He said in a few hours he will take a few xanax to control his anxiety that comes with getting off booze. I felt concerned about this; knowing that he consumed copious amounts of booze this past days, it might take longer than 10 hours to clear his system. He said that once he took xanax he cannot drink.
Things seemed okay for a while, him and his roommates and I played cards and took the dogs for a walk to help him with his restlessness and anxiety. His roommate and I left the card table to smoke a cigarette (I normally dont smoke but had one of his roommates) and while we were outside he drank a bottle of booze he hid somewhere. When we came back he told us. It was scary. At this point he had 3 xanax (.5mg) in his system. I told him that this combo can kill him. He was going downhill really fast, slurring and staggering. He started getting really mean and threatening to everyone. He told me to get out. It was like Jackyll and Hyde. Wow. very upsetting.
I asked his roommates to give me a ride to the train. He saw me talking to his roommates and became paranoid yelling F**k you to all of us. I had to get out of there. Once I got home I called his family and let them know what was going on. I was going to wash my hands of the situation; even though I was very concerned for his life and safety. They asked me for his roommates phone numbers, which I gave to them.
The next day he calls me at work drunk and curses me out for giving his roommates number to his family. He told me that he never wanted to talk to me again and deleted me on facebook. That was pretty awful, but I did not want to engage in any more of the drama.
The next day his niece calls me and tells me that I should not talk to him even if he is sober, she has found out some info about him, he is much sicker than she has though. I guess he has been sleeping with 2-4 women per week while he was with me. All anonymous sex partners. He has a sex and porn addiction.
I felt like the world slipping under my feet hearing all this. Just the sheer amount of deception he has been fabricating. I could not believe it. Also the fact that he was exposing me to diseases, while he told me we were exclusive. I felt like throwing up.
I got tested within the next few days. All test came back negative. I will have to get retested for HIV in 6 months.
He has left me number of voice-mail saying how sorry he is about how he treated me and that he cares about me and loves me. Except he does not know that I know about his sex addiction and the slew of people he was having sex with behind my back.
He finally agreed to go to 90 day rehab after his family staged an intervention. He has been evicted from his house and he might loose his dogs. SO sad. I know that of there was anything he cared about was his dogs. They were his babies.
I texted him and said its probably the best for both of us if we did not talk and wished him the best with his recovery towards health and peace.
I am seeing my therapist, talking to friends. But I deeply feel the loss of this person. Even though he was such a jerk and a liar. Why? I wish I could just stop loving him. I know I cannot be with him. Just feeling sad...
Can any of you relate?
Thanks for listening!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and tell us some of your story.
I'm sorry about your recent heartache. It sucks to be deceived by someone you love.
I hope you will give yourself time to grieve the loss of what might have been. Focus on your personal recovery. You are worth the effort!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and tell us some of your story.
I'm sorry about your recent heartache. It sucks to be deceived by someone you love.
I hope you will give yourself time to grieve the loss of what might have been. Focus on your personal recovery. You are worth the effort!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
Welcome to SR! I can relate. I think anybody here can on some level. We develop feelings for/a connection with someone...we see the red flags...but somehow, maybe even subconsciously, trick ourselves into ignoring them. Then things come out and completely blindside us. My ABF of almost 2 years has lied to me about some things I never thought someone would lie about. He has deceived me so many times. I truly wonder sometimes if he can even be honest, like if it is physically possible for him.
My heart aches for you. It is so hard to have these revelations come out of nowhere (although I have found, in hindsight, they really didn't come out of nowhere at all). It's so hard to separate the good things this person has done from the bad person he is being/the bad person he might really be all the time. I am still having trouble determining which parts of my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (not even sure I want to be with him) I really love, and if they are the real ones or his deception.
I will tell you that after saying what you said about wanting to stop loving him, I recently am starting to think maybe that time has come for me. It is almost as scary, but not as painful. For now there is not much I can say other than I feel you! I hope you will find a lot of help here. xoxo
My heart aches for you. It is so hard to have these revelations come out of nowhere (although I have found, in hindsight, they really didn't come out of nowhere at all). It's so hard to separate the good things this person has done from the bad person he is being/the bad person he might really be all the time. I am still having trouble determining which parts of my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (not even sure I want to be with him) I really love, and if they are the real ones or his deception.
I will tell you that after saying what you said about wanting to stop loving him, I recently am starting to think maybe that time has come for me. It is almost as scary, but not as painful. For now there is not much I can say other than I feel you! I hope you will find a lot of help here. xoxo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Until we address our very personal issues, we will contiue to attract/ be attracted to this exact type of person.
Those red flags are real, and I now have respect for them. That gut instinct is a powerful gift, I have learned to embrace it.
Healing begins with you, so very sad to have to admit to ourselves, but he truly has NOTHING to offer.
I had to take a step back and concentrate on myself, I can now report it has been quite an eye opening journey, but very well worth my time and effort.
Big hugs)))
Those red flags are real, and I now have respect for them. That gut instinct is a powerful gift, I have learned to embrace it.
Healing begins with you, so very sad to have to admit to ourselves, but he truly has NOTHING to offer.
I had to take a step back and concentrate on myself, I can now report it has been quite an eye opening journey, but very well worth my time and effort.
Big hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 6
@Marie1960 There are days I wonder how much I have progressed in therapy and CODA work. I seem to logically know this person is not good for me, but I got myself involved anyways. After so much reading, so much work. Maybe it was a relationship addict relapse on my part.
Will I ever be able to have a non-toxic relationship? How do I heal my childhood wounds? How do I grieve and let go of the pain of not having my childhood needs met by my parents? I just want to be okay...with less pain...
Will I ever be able to have a non-toxic relationship? How do I heal my childhood wounds? How do I grieve and let go of the pain of not having my childhood needs met by my parents? I just want to be okay...with less pain...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by FifiRhubarb 
I am still having trouble determining which parts of my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (not even sure I want to be with him) I really love, and if they are the real ones or his deception.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Gosh willow I do not have any answers to your above question. Others will be along soon to offer additional support.
Please take his familes advice, and put as much distance as you can between you and him. There is a very unhealthy dynamic here, and it's time to turn the focus to YOU and keep out of this guy's path.
You cannot save him, or help him, so let's just concentrate on you and your best interest.
Please take his familes advice, and put as much distance as you can between you and him. There is a very unhealthy dynamic here, and it's time to turn the focus to YOU and keep out of this guy's path.
You cannot save him, or help him, so let's just concentrate on you and your best interest.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes, willowtree, I can relate to your story completely. It is so difficult to find out how you have been lied to, cheated on, and betrayed. I am going on 2 months since I discovered this about XABF. It was at least one month I was in complete shock and disbelief. My brain is just now starting to be able to process who this person really was. I still do not know who that was I have been in a relationship with the past 2 and a half years.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
You have spent the last 4 months dealing with this bad behavior, Lies, risky sexual behavior that put you at risk, manipulation.
You are young and there is a good life to be lived, if you choose not to let this define you.
You are young and there is a good life to be lived, if you choose not to let this define you.
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