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Oxy withdrawals... again

Old 07-25-2012, 11:40 AM
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Oxy withdrawals... again

Ok... so I have been a member here on and off since last November. I just went and changed my sobriety date on my profile and thought to myself if only I had stayed off of them way back then!! Anyway, I was taking pain medication for legitimate pain. But that doesn't really matter, because I tend to take more and more to get the same effects and before I know it 120 15mg pills of oxy are lasting me 7-10 days. Then I spend 3 weeks going though withdrawals or trying to get my grubby little hands on anything so I don't have to feel like crud.

I really have had enough of this lifestyle. It is slowly tearing my life apart. As well as my relationships with my family and friends. Of course when I have the meds, then I am super mom and can do whatever. But when i don't, I am tired, irritable and can barely move. I can't continue to do this to my son. I want to be a better parent to him. And being unemployed, living in a crappy apartment and realizing that my life has become stagnant is just not an option anymore.

I have been through the w/d's enough to know what I am in for physically. I do believe that I can survive that. The only thing that really gets to me is the anxiety and lack of sleep. Oh, and the chills... I hate the chills. I have some emails into a couple of counselors that specialize in addiction. I am hoping to hear back from one of them soon so I can set up an appointment and go and talk to someone. I have also looked up NA meetings in my area. I am not sure if I will go that route yet, but I am leaving it open as an option.

I know I have been here before, But I would appreciate any support, advice, really anything that anyone has to offer. I plan on posting a lot - especially when I really start to feel crappy, like later tonight and tomorrow!!
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Old 07-25-2012, 09:06 PM
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For the chills a hot bath might help. Sitting in a bath would be the only way I could get half way comfortable for 10 to 15 mins, and it would help with the muscle aches too.

Anxiety and lack of sleep were killers for me too. For lack of sleep I eventually came to a point of acceptance. Instead of lying in bed trying to go to sleep as hard as I could I accepted that I was going to be up for as long as it took. In a sense, I stopped fighting it and tried to do things to occupy the time at night. For me the best thing was watching old music videos on youtube. They were great because I could veg out, and they were distractions. There were even moments at night when I would have waves of nostalgia for my pre-drug life.

NA is a great resource, and I wouldn't have made it through the withdrawal if it wasn't for NA. If you haven't been before I would say that it is worth checking out.
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Old 07-25-2012, 09:45 PM
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The lack of sleep will not kill you although yet another night of sleeplessness can feel like death the next day. You do know the other symptoms and also that they will begin to clear in a few days. You may have a particular symptom that clings to you and seems to never let go. Lack of sleep is mine. For others it seems that anxiety is common I guess I am simply restating Opio. I am about 90 days out now and here I am typing at midnight instead of sleeping. My insomnia seems to be finally getting better and I slept 6 hours each of the last two nights. That ends up getting me so much energy for a change that, as mentioned, here I am. I am an experienced insomniac anyway and know that - as Opio stated - there is no use fighting it and if you keep a good attitude the lack of sleep really isn't too bad. I would look on it as a symptom of my changing my life. If I wasn't getting free of the crap I would be sleeping just long enough to wake up and start looking for some more all over again.
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Old 07-26-2012, 12:55 PM
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Liv1ce and Opio - thank you for the replies!! I really appreciate it. It is nice to know that someone is listening out there. Starting day 2 today. Not doing so bad actually.... I have a little bit of the chills and I plan on going and taking a hot shower when I am done on here to warm up. I also have a little bit of anxiety, but I am trying not to focus on it too much. I am also taking this all natural anxiety medicine from hylands called Calm Forte. It helps relax you some. I took a smaller dose this morning than I normally do, so maybe it is time to go and take a couple more.

I just really want to make it through this. I have gone back and forth so many times it is ridiculous. When is enough, enough?? Besides wanting to do this for myself, I really, really want to do this for my son. He is my entire world and I feel like he deserves so much better from me. I am lucky that my parents are taking him for a couple of days so I can hopefully get through the w/d's and be able to take care of him when I am done.

I'll be honest and say that I am thinking about pills. Not really thinking about how to get some... cause I really don't have a way to do that. But just thinking about them, in an 'oh, I kinda miss being high all day.' How pathetic is that... Sometimes wish that I could be one of those people that could take or leave pain medication. Take it when I really need it and set it down when i don't. I know that I can't be, have already proved to myself that I can't be that person, but sometimes wish that I could.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling. I am sure that I will be back as things get worse.
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Old 07-26-2012, 01:24 PM
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I wish I could take pills too but I can't and I don't think you will find anyone here who can except someone's family member. That is a really hard part because not only do you have to quit to get cleaned up but you have to quit forever. You have proven to yourself that you belong here with the rest of us - a really good group by the way - and that as much as you enjoy getting high you have to find another something to be equally passionate about. Your son for example.

Remember that there is a beast inside you who loves nothing other than getting high and will do ANYTHING to get there. He/she/it is losing control and is starving for attention. It will niggle at you constantly for a while to let it have "just a little taste." And by the way "what would one more time hurt?" "You can start again tomorrow so what damage is done?"

It will put pills in your mind. It will put pills in your imagination. It will find pills where you forgot you stashed them. Think about that last one as this can occur and you need to have already made a decision what you will do. As soon as you find it - or someone gives it to you - you must take it and flush it. I am around the damn stuff all the time. A couple weeks ago I was all alone in a house where there was a fresh bottle of 250 oxy 30's. I know for a fact that I could have taken as many if not more than 100 of them and no one would have noticed. I know this person and she has no idea what she has or how many and would never have missed them. I had already decided what I was going to do as I knew this would occur at some time. There was no decision to be made as I turned and walked away. The beast niggled at me for a couple hours but I gave him no help.

I walked away after about 70 days of being clean but jumped in with both feet after being clean for 10 years 3 years ago. It took me those three years in hell to find my way back. It never stops. You will never be "cured." You can never use again.
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Old 07-26-2012, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by liv1ce View Post
I wish I could take pills too but I can't and I don't think you will find anyone here who can except someone's family member. That is a really hard part because not only do you have to quit to get cleaned up but you have to quit forever. You have proven to yourself that you belong here with the rest of us - a really good group by the way - and that as much as you enjoy getting high you have to find another something to be equally passionate about. Your son for example.

Remember that there is a beast inside you who loves nothing other than getting high and will do ANYTHING to get there. He/she/it is losing control and is starving for attention. It will niggle at you constantly for a while to let it have "just a little taste." And by the way "what would one more time hurt?" "You can start again tomorrow so what damage is done?"

It will put pills in your mind. It will put pills in your imagination. It will find pills where you forgot you stashed them. Think about that last one as this can occur and you need to have already made a decision what you will do. As soon as you find it - or someone gives it to you - you must take it and flush it. I am around the damn stuff all the time. A couple weeks ago I was all alone in a house where there was a fresh bottle of 250 oxy 30's. I know for a fact that I could have taken as many if not more than 100 of them and no one would have noticed. I know this person and she has no idea what she has or how many and would never have missed them. I had already decided what I was going to do as I knew this would occur at some time. There was no decision to be made as I turned and walked away. The beast niggled at me for a couple hours but I gave him no help.
I walked away after about 70 days of being clean but jumped in with both feet after being clean for 10 years 3 years ago. It took me those three years in hell to find my way back. It never stops. You will never be "cured." You can never use again.
Liv1ce - that is amazing that you were able to walk away from that. Right now, right this second I wouldn't be able too. In 70 days from now, I only hope that I have that kind of power. Oh, and I know that I will never be able to use them again.... I have proven to myself time and time again that this won't be possible. I know that one will put me down this path again. I've tried that in the past. Convinced myself that my bulging discs in my back required pain medication and that it was ok to take it as long as I took it as directed. I would even have my mom hold onto my pills so I wouldn't take to many... but no matter what, I would always get around that and just take them like candy. So now, it doesn't matter how much pain I'm in, cause I have already ruined that, I can't take pain meds!! And don't worry about me finding some stashed in my house. I was not a stasher... I knew where my pills were at all times!! No chance of me running across some at all.

So, here is the kicker for today! My transmission just went out on my car... I am unemployed, looking for work, so I have no way to pay to fix it or buy a new car. I really don't know what I am going to do. This just flippin blows! Anything else life?!?! Anything else that you want to throw at me, cause I am about done with this crap!
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Old 07-26-2012, 09:04 PM
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One of my philosophies in life is as follows: If you ever think things are going good or you're on the right path and maybe - just maybe - things are looking up then you had better duck. Sorry to hear of your bad fortune with the car - and the unemployed status but that is more manageable sober than stoned so hang in there.

I also knew exactly where every single pill was at all times so was very surprised when scrounging to put something away in my shop to find a little zip lock bag with oxy in it. I have ruined myself in so many ways so after coming back from the brink once again my resolve is strong.

To make a short story long, my wonderful wife confronted me at exactly the right time when I could no longer stand myself in the condition I was in. I stopped at that point with the promise of her support - because I had not been able to do it on my own - and went and flushed my stash and went cold turkey. I didn't think that she wanted to witness that but, indeed, she was quite disappointed. I took the opportunity to show her my found stash and together we went and flushed it.

My real point with all this rambling drivel isnthat I have already run what I think are the possibilities and have made a predetermined decision that when I am presented with an opportunity - and I most certainly will be on nearly a daily basis - I will walk away immediately.

My other point is that my life has proven to me that I am NEVER safe and the line is forever there waiting for me to cross it. Be ever vigilant my friend and don't ever let go.
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Old 07-28-2012, 05:53 PM
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I totally get what you are saying. I went through the highs and lows of pain pill addiction for over a decade. I would withdrawl, suffer through it-then start right back up as soon as I could get my hands on some. I told myself that I was a super Mom on these things-and without them I was just a mess. I felt flat even after detoxing, which is why I always went back.-

This last time I got clean I knew I had had enough of this vicious cycle. It was getting me nowhere in life and everything in my life had stopped at a standstill. I got clean and about three months into being clean I broke my elbow. It was extremely painful and I had just started a new job. I had three doctors offer me vicodin-Somehow at that point I was able to resist and say no. I know I can't take just one pill like other people can. I would have started the cycle up all over again.

I don't know how long it's been since I haven't used honestly-Life has been so good and I don't think about pills anymore on a daily basis. I just know that I can't ever take even one.-It will throw me into the cycle of death if I do. I do keep that thought at the top of my mind whenever I feel weak.
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