Not Missing Him
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Not Missing Him
I am really not missing the XA for the first time in five years. Apparently I practiced the detachment thing pretty well.
I do still feel sorry for the way things turned out for him. He lost me, his baby, his house and his job all in three days time. It was amazing to me though, that he went immediately back to drinking all while lying to his family of origin that he hadn't had a drink or a drop since the Friday he was out of jail. I saw him drinking Sunday when I had him removed from our home. I found an empty pint and saw empty beer bottles all over the house. I noticed upon re-entry after he removed some of his items that he had also emptied the trash. I am sure he did this so that his brother wouldn't see that he really was drinking.
I just don't get how you can have your life change so dramatically, have your girlfriend telling you for years to quit drinking or she is leaving, have a hammer dropped on your life and STILL drink and blame others for your problems. It is truly amazing the hold that alcohol has on a person's brain and soul. It is gut wrenching and just plain sad. I have never met such a demon as alcohol. With illegal drugs the assumption is that the are bad. Most people, even the addict, knows that they are consumed by an illegal drug because it is illegal. With alcohol, the stuff is a legal poison. The alcoholic can go to virtually any corner in the country and medicate himself/herself to death. Such a shame and a waste of life. The collateral damage is amazing.
I do still feel sorry for the way things turned out for him. He lost me, his baby, his house and his job all in three days time. It was amazing to me though, that he went immediately back to drinking all while lying to his family of origin that he hadn't had a drink or a drop since the Friday he was out of jail. I saw him drinking Sunday when I had him removed from our home. I found an empty pint and saw empty beer bottles all over the house. I noticed upon re-entry after he removed some of his items that he had also emptied the trash. I am sure he did this so that his brother wouldn't see that he really was drinking.
I just don't get how you can have your life change so dramatically, have your girlfriend telling you for years to quit drinking or she is leaving, have a hammer dropped on your life and STILL drink and blame others for your problems. It is truly amazing the hold that alcohol has on a person's brain and soul. It is gut wrenching and just plain sad. I have never met such a demon as alcohol. With illegal drugs the assumption is that the are bad. Most people, even the addict, knows that they are consumed by an illegal drug because it is illegal. With alcohol, the stuff is a legal poison. The alcoholic can go to virtually any corner in the country and medicate himself/herself to death. Such a shame and a waste of life. The collateral damage is amazing.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Tuffgirl,
The days are getting better. I can't say that my emotions are ALL over the place, but the bitterness is gone and the anger is dissipating. I find it hard to believe I ever actually loved him as the image of him in my mind brings up so many bad memories. Honestly, I can't even really think of anything that he ever did for me that was sweet, thoughtful and caring. It's like he has stolen the good part of me and replaced it with just foul, bad memories. I will live again, laugh again, but at this point, not so sure I can love another man again. I am really jaded when it comes to the thought of a 'man' in my life.
I don't know what else to say except that I will forge on.
The days are getting better. I can't say that my emotions are ALL over the place, but the bitterness is gone and the anger is dissipating. I find it hard to believe I ever actually loved him as the image of him in my mind brings up so many bad memories. Honestly, I can't even really think of anything that he ever did for me that was sweet, thoughtful and caring. It's like he has stolen the good part of me and replaced it with just foul, bad memories. I will live again, laugh again, but at this point, not so sure I can love another man again. I am really jaded when it comes to the thought of a 'man' in my life.
I don't know what else to say except that I will forge on.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I completely understand. And feel much the same way. What I am working on right now is forgiveness so I don't feel jaded about men in general. I know there are a lot of good men out there is this big wide world. And when the time is right, I'll meet someone who treats me the way I want to be treated. My hope is that when that time does come, I am ready for it and not bitter over my own losses.
In the meantime, I am enjoying being me again - going back to the things I loved doing...resumed my graduate classes this summer, got back on my mountain bike, playing in the woods with my new puppies, spending time with my daughters, being with my extended family, reading, house projects, etc...
I still "miss" my stbx but I realize much of what I miss I made up in my head. Accepting that makes it that much easier.
I hope its a good day for you today. You deserve it!
In the meantime, I am enjoying being me again - going back to the things I loved doing...resumed my graduate classes this summer, got back on my mountain bike, playing in the woods with my new puppies, spending time with my daughters, being with my extended family, reading, house projects, etc...
I still "miss" my stbx but I realize much of what I miss I made up in my head. Accepting that makes it that much easier.
I hope its a good day for you today. You deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Your post made me smile. I'm glad you're feeling stronger today. It's been a lengthy process for me...too long. There have been alot of ups and downs but I'm feeling really good too.
I REALLY don't miss my exah. I really believe that I am DONE grieving the end of our relationship and the end of my dream that he would at least get clean and sober so he could play a role in our son's life. I've given up hoping that it will happen. And I actually feel really good. I'm ready to move on. I'm going to keep going to Al anon...I've made some great friends and the things I learn there apply to ALL aspects of my life. I'm not giving it up. But I am ready to step into my future...I feel like I can face whatever lies ahead. If I can survive marriage to a drug addict/alcoholic and raise our son on my own, I can do just about anything. Whatever it is....I just want to smile and have fun along the way. I am SO READY for this!! Enough already of the tears and sorrow. I want to smile and enjoy life!!
I REALLY don't miss my exah. I really believe that I am DONE grieving the end of our relationship and the end of my dream that he would at least get clean and sober so he could play a role in our son's life. I've given up hoping that it will happen. And I actually feel really good. I'm ready to move on. I'm going to keep going to Al anon...I've made some great friends and the things I learn there apply to ALL aspects of my life. I'm not giving it up. But I am ready to step into my future...I feel like I can face whatever lies ahead. If I can survive marriage to a drug addict/alcoholic and raise our son on my own, I can do just about anything. Whatever it is....I just want to smile and have fun along the way. I am SO READY for this!! Enough already of the tears and sorrow. I want to smile and enjoy life!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by chronsweet 
Tuffgirl,
The days are getting better. I can't say that my emotions are ALL over the place, but the bitterness is gone and the anger is dissipating. I find it hard to believe I ever actually loved him as the image of him in my mind brings up so many bad memories. Honestly, I can't even really think of anything that he ever did for me that was sweet, thoughtful and caring. It's like he has stolen the good part of me and replaced it with just foul, bad memories. I will live again, laugh again, but at this point, not so sure I can love another man again. I am really jaded when it comes to the thought of a 'man' in my life.
I don't know what else to say except that I will forge on.
The days are getting better. I can't say that my emotions are ALL over the place, but the bitterness is gone and the anger is dissipating. I find it hard to believe I ever actually loved him as the image of him in my mind brings up so many bad memories. Honestly, I can't even really think of anything that he ever did for me that was sweet, thoughtful and caring. It's like he has stolen the good part of me and replaced it with just foul, bad memories. I will live again, laugh again, but at this point, not so sure I can love another man again. I am really jaded when it comes to the thought of a 'man' in my life.
I don't know what else to say except that I will forge on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by chronsweet
Alucard,
I get where you are coming from, trust me. I am glad you saw the forest through the trees very early on in the relationship. I am not sure what you meant by "thanks for playing" ....
I get where you are coming from, trust me. I am glad you saw the forest through the trees very early on in the relationship. I am not sure what you meant by "thanks for playing" ....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
ok, some sarcasm,
hard to exactly read what you are trying to say at times, as i have read several of your posts.
anyhow, i can honestly say that i will NEVER be with an alcoholic myself or addict, ever ever again, learned my lesson the very hard way
hard to exactly read what you are trying to say at times, as i have read several of your posts.
anyhow, i can honestly say that i will NEVER be with an alcoholic myself or addict, ever ever again, learned my lesson the very hard way
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by chronsweet
ok, some sarcasm,
hard to exactly read what you are trying to say at times, as i have read several of your posts.
anyhow, i can honestly say that i will NEVER be with an alcoholic myself or addict, ever ever again, learned my lesson the very hard way
hard to exactly read what you are trying to say at times, as i have read several of your posts.
anyhow, i can honestly say that i will NEVER be with an alcoholic myself or addict, ever ever again, learned my lesson the very hard way
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Well, when I first met him, I was in a total different state of mind. Recently divorced, lost three people including my dad within a 6 month period, had no kids, lived at the beach, wasn't looking for anything serious....
me and him, just kind of happened, like a train wreck, then I got pregnant. I was always ALWAYS responsible before I met him and after I met him and getting divorced, I just didn't care for a while.
Once my son was born, it was back to responsible. Shaking him has been an accumulation of trying to do the right thing for my son in providing him a good home and getting him to quit the drinking. I couldn't get him to quit drinking but I could continue to be responsible. I chose responsibility. I am doing what I know I have to do for my 2 year old. I know I will see warning signs next time, because frankly, if you have a beer in your hand or like to spend any amount of time in a bar, i'm out. LOL. Easy enough.
me and him, just kind of happened, like a train wreck, then I got pregnant. I was always ALWAYS responsible before I met him and after I met him and getting divorced, I just didn't care for a while.
Once my son was born, it was back to responsible. Shaking him has been an accumulation of trying to do the right thing for my son in providing him a good home and getting him to quit the drinking. I couldn't get him to quit drinking but I could continue to be responsible. I chose responsibility. I am doing what I know I have to do for my 2 year old. I know I will see warning signs next time, because frankly, if you have a beer in your hand or like to spend any amount of time in a bar, i'm out. LOL. Easy enough.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Good for you, I'm glad toy hear you're moving on finally and not missing him!
I am still going through fits and starts. I thought I was doing okay but last night I became a puddle of tears again. Well, it's only been 3 weeks since our split so I think it's going to take some time. Keeping the d*ckish behavior in mind helps, but then again I'm also incredibly hurt by the things he did to me.
I agree with you, no more bar flies for me either. I should have known better... oh well. Live and learn!
I am still going through fits and starts. I thought I was doing okay but last night I became a puddle of tears again. Well, it's only been 3 weeks since our split so I think it's going to take some time. Keeping the d*ckish behavior in mind helps, but then again I'm also incredibly hurt by the things he did to me.
I agree with you, no more bar flies for me either. I should have known better... oh well. Live and learn!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by chronsweet
because frankly, if you have a beer in your hand or like to spend any amount of time in a bar, i'm out. LOL. Easy enough.
I finally added the following clause to my on-line dating profile(because they didn't think a beer after work would count):
"If your daily routine includes fried food, sitting in front of the TV, and drinking alcohol ~ please look elsewhere"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Pelican
LOL! But the denial on their part is thick!
I finally added the following clause to my on-line dating profile(because they didn't think a beer after work would count):
"If your daily routine includes fried food, sitting in front of the TV, and drinking alcohol ~ please look elsewhere"
I finally added the following clause to my on-line dating profile(because they didn't think a beer after work would count):
"If your daily routine includes fried food, sitting in front of the TV, and drinking alcohol ~ please look elsewhere"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I wish I would have been in a different state of mind when I first met my XA. The only part that would suck if I had figured out sooner what everyone already knew, was that I wouldn't have my son. My son is the ONLY good thing that came out of my entire relationship. So glad, that we are finally free of him to live our lives the way people deserve to live them, without fear of the unknown, without witnessing someone you love destroying their life and yours before your very eyes, without witnessing someone become more and more crazy with each and every sip from a brown-smoked-glass bottle.
I swear, I seriously HATE alcohol at this point. I haven't had ONE single drop for close to a year. I used to be able to have ONE beer every so often, perhaps one every month while sitting and relaxing in my home after a long day to take the edge off. I can't even stand the sound of a beer opening. All I see is the sick pleasure my XA got from cracking open the bottle at the expense of everyone else.
I swear, I seriously HATE alcohol at this point. I haven't had ONE single drop for close to a year. I used to be able to have ONE beer every so often, perhaps one every month while sitting and relaxing in my home after a long day to take the edge off. I can't even stand the sound of a beer opening. All I see is the sick pleasure my XA got from cracking open the bottle at the expense of everyone else.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by chronsweet
I am really not missing the XA for the first time in five years. Apparently I practiced the detachment thing pretty well.
I do still feel sorry for the way things turned out for him. He lost me, his baby, his house and his job all in three days time. It was amazing to me though, that he went immediately back to drinking all while lying to his family of origin that he hadn't had a drink or a drop since the Friday he was out of jail. I saw him drinking Sunday when I had him removed from our home. I found an empty pint and saw empty beer bottles all over the house. I noticed upon re-entry after he removed some of his items that he had also emptied the trash. I am sure he did this so that his brother wouldn't see that he really was drinking.
I just don't get how you can have your life change so dramatically, have your girlfriend telling you for years to quit drinking or she is leaving, have a hammer dropped on your life and STILL drink and blame others for your problems. It is truly amazing the hold that alcohol has on a person's brain and soul. It is gut wrenching and just plain sad. I have never met such a demon as alcohol. With illegal drugs the assumption is that the are bad. Most people, even the addict, knows that they are consumed by an illegal drug because it is illegal. With alcohol, the stuff is a legal poison. The alcoholic can go to virtually any corner in the country and medicate himself/herself to death. Such a shame and a waste of life. The collateral damage is amazing.
I do still feel sorry for the way things turned out for him. He lost me, his baby, his house and his job all in three days time. It was amazing to me though, that he went immediately back to drinking all while lying to his family of origin that he hadn't had a drink or a drop since the Friday he was out of jail. I saw him drinking Sunday when I had him removed from our home. I found an empty pint and saw empty beer bottles all over the house. I noticed upon re-entry after he removed some of his items that he had also emptied the trash. I am sure he did this so that his brother wouldn't see that he really was drinking.
I just don't get how you can have your life change so dramatically, have your girlfriend telling you for years to quit drinking or she is leaving, have a hammer dropped on your life and STILL drink and blame others for your problems. It is truly amazing the hold that alcohol has on a person's brain and soul. It is gut wrenching and just plain sad. I have never met such a demon as alcohol. With illegal drugs the assumption is that the are bad. Most people, even the addict, knows that they are consumed by an illegal drug because it is illegal. With alcohol, the stuff is a legal poison. The alcoholic can go to virtually any corner in the country and medicate himself/herself to death. Such a shame and a waste of life. The collateral damage is amazing.
That being stated, I got the hell out after only 4 weeks of this crap. My intuition came into play about week 2. I had seen all the writing on the wall and came to the sad realization that this...thing, this Jeckyll and Hyde, demented facsimile of someone I once had feelings for, was the worst thing in the world for me and my own kid. My stress levels and anxieties were off the chart...before the drunk had entered my life, things were calm....serene, even a bit boring. Now that the drunk had came in, there came with it, everything that alcoholism drags with it. The drunk, had over 12 years morphed into this sociopath, drug addicted, alcoholic, ex felon angry,bitter,and even violent being, with issues that it would take a book to fill. The worst part was the fact that it was so addicted to the booze, and over 12 years had been through so much trauma, that it had no room anymore for true physical intimacy, or emotional intimacy. A sociopath by the book....Had I known all this beforehand, I wouldnt have bothered with the drunk.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Allucard,
Very true statement in that the alcoholic/addict has not room for true physical intimacy or emotional intimacy. Everything with my XA was on the surface level. I would try to reveal feelings and the only thing he would do with those feelings of mine is use them as weapons. I'd cry and tell him how I needed him to quit the alcohol or we couldn't get passed anything in our relationship, i would be bawling, and he'd crack a beer and outwardly smile. He seemed to find satisfaction in how crazy he was making me. Sociopath/narcissist, whatever the name is for what he is becoming, eludes me. I don't care anymore as long as I retain custody of my child and keep him safe from this man who claims to 'love us' while destroying our peace and serenity.
Very true statement in that the alcoholic/addict has not room for true physical intimacy or emotional intimacy. Everything with my XA was on the surface level. I would try to reveal feelings and the only thing he would do with those feelings of mine is use them as weapons. I'd cry and tell him how I needed him to quit the alcohol or we couldn't get passed anything in our relationship, i would be bawling, and he'd crack a beer and outwardly smile. He seemed to find satisfaction in how crazy he was making me. Sociopath/narcissist, whatever the name is for what he is becoming, eludes me. I don't care anymore as long as I retain custody of my child and keep him safe from this man who claims to 'love us' while destroying our peace and serenity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by chronsweet
Allucard,
Very true statement in that the alcoholic/addict has not room for true physical intimacy or emotional intimacy. Everything with my XA was on the surface level. I would try to reveal feelings and the only thing he would do with those feelings of mine is use them as weapons. I'd cry and tell him how I needed him to quit the alcohol or we couldn't get passed anything in our relationship, i would be bawling, and he'd crack a beer and outwardly smile. He seemed to find satisfaction in how crazy he was making me. Sociopath/narcissist, whatever the name is for what he is becoming, eludes me.
Very true statement in that the alcoholic/addict has not room for true physical intimacy or emotional intimacy. Everything with my XA was on the surface level. I would try to reveal feelings and the only thing he would do with those feelings of mine is use them as weapons. I'd cry and tell him how I needed him to quit the alcohol or we couldn't get passed anything in our relationship, i would be bawling, and he'd crack a beer and outwardly smile. He seemed to find satisfaction in how crazy he was making me. Sociopath/narcissist, whatever the name is for what he is becoming, eludes me.
God, how I wish I could just erase these horrible memories...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
I completely understand. And feel much the same way. What I am working on right now is forgiveness so I don't feel jaded about men in general. I know there are a lot of good men out there is this big wide world. And when the time is right, I'll meet someone who treats me the way I want to be treated. My hope is that when that time does come, I am ready for it and not bitter over my own losses.
In the meantime, I am enjoying being me again - going back to the things I loved doing...resumed my graduate classes this summer, got back on my mountain bike, playing in the woods with my new puppies, spending time with my daughters, being with my extended family, reading, house projects, etc...
I still "miss" my stbx but I realize much of what I miss I made up in my head. Accepting that makes it that much easier.
I hope its a good day for you today. You deserve it!
In the meantime, I am enjoying being me again - going back to the things I loved doing...resumed my graduate classes this summer, got back on my mountain bike, playing in the woods with my new puppies, spending time with my daughters, being with my extended family, reading, house projects, etc...
I still "miss" my stbx but I realize much of what I miss I made up in my head. Accepting that makes it that much easier.
I hope its a good day for you today. You deserve it!
For now, I have resumed my college classes as well, got back on my Harley, spending time with my son, and of course, my devoted and always have my back friends, who I am going to be spending more time with....
I dont miss the "thing" that my ex became, but I do miss female companionship....when the time comes, I want to be ready for it.
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