restraining order or not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
restraining order or not?
good morning everyone. i want to get a restraining order against my separated, still married, AH for me and the kids, but really don't know much about it. any advice is welcome.
we have been separated for 16 months now. last year my 5 yr old pointed out the neighborhood that we lived in to him (he didn't know where we were living, since we left my parents house). then about 2 months ago i received a card from him at my new address. not sure how he figured out the exact address. got some more mail from him since. then 3 wks ago he saw us passing and decided to follow us to my apt, pulled up behind my parked car and we talked. he got to see the kids and talk to them (first time in 8 months) because i had to get them out of the car and i did not want to cause any drama late at night in my neighborhood (it was close to midnight). since then, he came by twice and left stuff on my door (once we weren't home, the other time we were here, but he didn't knock). then yesterday, he saw us as we were going to a restaurant, blew his horn and i didn't think much of it, but as we went inside, he simply came in, offered to pay for our food, talked to the kids, sat down at our table, and then left.
my anxiety is sky rocketing. i cannot have him doing this. i told him that i'm gonna have to get a restraining order b/c he keeps on popping up on me and his response was that it is a public restaurant.
he is arrogant. he feels as though he has done nothing wrong. he feels that he has every right to see his children as he pleases and to be honest i am afraid. i am afraid of what he might do and what he can do. have no proof or indication that he is not on drugs and still dealing drugs.
has the nerve to constantly tell me that i'm not mentally well and such.
sorry. this is getting to be too long.
i just can't figure out why is it so hard for me to hate him. why do i still feel bad for him. i feel that he is endangering everything that i have created for me and my kids since we left. all the peace and the routines and some sense of normal life that i so hard try to maintain.
thank you so much for responding in advance. hugs and hope to all.
we have been separated for 16 months now. last year my 5 yr old pointed out the neighborhood that we lived in to him (he didn't know where we were living, since we left my parents house). then about 2 months ago i received a card from him at my new address. not sure how he figured out the exact address. got some more mail from him since. then 3 wks ago he saw us passing and decided to follow us to my apt, pulled up behind my parked car and we talked. he got to see the kids and talk to them (first time in 8 months) because i had to get them out of the car and i did not want to cause any drama late at night in my neighborhood (it was close to midnight). since then, he came by twice and left stuff on my door (once we weren't home, the other time we were here, but he didn't knock). then yesterday, he saw us as we were going to a restaurant, blew his horn and i didn't think much of it, but as we went inside, he simply came in, offered to pay for our food, talked to the kids, sat down at our table, and then left.
my anxiety is sky rocketing. i cannot have him doing this. i told him that i'm gonna have to get a restraining order b/c he keeps on popping up on me and his response was that it is a public restaurant.
he is arrogant. he feels as though he has done nothing wrong. he feels that he has every right to see his children as he pleases and to be honest i am afraid. i am afraid of what he might do and what he can do. have no proof or indication that he is not on drugs and still dealing drugs.
has the nerve to constantly tell me that i'm not mentally well and such.
sorry. this is getting to be too long.
i just can't figure out why is it so hard for me to hate him. why do i still feel bad for him. i feel that he is endangering everything that i have created for me and my kids since we left. all the peace and the routines and some sense of normal life that i so hard try to maintain.
thank you so much for responding in advance. hugs and hope to all.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I don't know that what he is doing is grounds for a restraining order if he hasn't threatened you or the kids. Unless there is some kind of legal paperwork regarding visitation, he does have the right to see them whenever. While it's true he probably is trying to unnerve you by just popping up, I don't think that would be enough for a restraining order.
Have you considered filing for divorce and getting something spelled out regarding visitation and custody? That is probably your best bet because as it stands now, either of you have a right of possession and to see the kids at any time.
Have you considered filing for divorce and getting something spelled out regarding visitation and custody? That is probably your best bet because as it stands now, either of you have a right of possession and to see the kids at any time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
I have a permanent restraining order in NJ against my AH. I don't see grounds in your post for a restraining order. In my case there was repeated harrassment and physical abuse which constitutes domestic violence. My AH is not allowed to communicate with our minor child and has supervised visitation as a result. What your AH is doing I don't foresee the judge granting a request for a restraining order but JMO.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Pacific,
I don't know your story or history with your separated husband.
I do know, that it is not unusual for people who have or are being abused,
to be the first to deny it, to others or themselves.
If you are afraid, I recommend you talk with a domestic counselor.
They are more knowledgable. At this time, I would agree with the above posters.
I HOPE, he is just being a pain in the axx. At the same time, you are not divorced yet.
Your separation, may not be real to him. The most dangerous time, is when a woman leaves an abuser. So, please call a counselor. That way, IF you do need to get a restraining order. (I hope you don't) They will be there and help you through it.
I don't know your story or history with your separated husband.
I do know, that it is not unusual for people who have or are being abused,
to be the first to deny it, to others or themselves.
If you are afraid, I recommend you talk with a domestic counselor.
They are more knowledgable. At this time, I would agree with the above posters.
I HOPE, he is just being a pain in the axx. At the same time, you are not divorced yet.
Your separation, may not be real to him. The most dangerous time, is when a woman leaves an abuser. So, please call a counselor. That way, IF you do need to get a restraining order. (I hope you don't) They will be there and help you through it.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
It sounds to me like you are still trying to deal with your ex on your own terms. Have you tried to pray about it and ask God to help you with him? Have you wrote down everything you want from your ex and need - and then given that to God? God works wonders in our lives when we invite Him in.
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