Resentments
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Resentments
I'm on step 4 - personal inventory. You write out your resentments, who, what, why, how it made you feel, and lastly, what part you had in it.
Before I got to step 4, I felt like I was doing fine. Although I've had a rash of arguments with my husband recently. Those I attribute to his high stress level. Or, I attributed. Now, I'm wondering if it's b/c I have resentments towards him and they are coming out.
And more resentments are popping up! I find myself still hurt and angry over yesterday morning, when he angrily left for work with barely a goodbye. Normally we say good morning, ask how the other slept, and then hug and kiss goodbye. I'm still hurt over it. Although he seems fine.
And the argument that was the result of him angrily leaving - was over the 4th step!!!!!! I told him I had resentments towards our niece, and he dismissed it saying that it wasn't legit. I told him I didn't see how it had to be legit, it just was. I tried to compare it to something his boss did to him (which he deems career murder) and he flipped out. We argued over that. UGH.
I wonder if I put too much thought into this. I'm a serious person and tend to overthink things. But man am I resentful towards him. It worries me. I don't want our marriage to end. And with all the arguing lately, I'm really worried about our future happiness.
Before I got to step 4, I felt like I was doing fine. Although I've had a rash of arguments with my husband recently. Those I attribute to his high stress level. Or, I attributed. Now, I'm wondering if it's b/c I have resentments towards him and they are coming out.
And more resentments are popping up! I find myself still hurt and angry over yesterday morning, when he angrily left for work with barely a goodbye. Normally we say good morning, ask how the other slept, and then hug and kiss goodbye. I'm still hurt over it. Although he seems fine.
And the argument that was the result of him angrily leaving - was over the 4th step!!!!!! I told him I had resentments towards our niece, and he dismissed it saying that it wasn't legit. I told him I didn't see how it had to be legit, it just was. I tried to compare it to something his boss did to him (which he deems career murder) and he flipped out. We argued over that. UGH.
I wonder if I put too much thought into this. I'm a serious person and tend to overthink things. But man am I resentful towards him. It worries me. I don't want our marriage to end. And with all the arguing lately, I'm really worried about our future happiness.
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
I can relate to you. I hold a lot of resentment for stuff that when I look back, I wonder why I'm still hanging on to it. My whole family is like that. Sometimes I'll get in an argument with my mom and she will bring up things that happened YEARS before. I didn't even remember it, so I think some of it could be learned behavior. Maybe you should work through the steps without getting your husband too invovled? He most likely won't understand, and theres no reason to fight over it.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Resentments are, by definition, a re-living of hurtful/angry/hateful heartfelt emotional experiences. Resentments are not intellectual, they are purely emotional and "felt again" by not having closure, and then resolving to let them go...
So, its not really about what so and so did, or didn't do -- its all about our emotional experiences when whatever happened. Most resentments are not rational, and so little is to be gained by trying to "think them out."
Blaming someone, holding them as guilty, is not the same as resenting them. Actually, when we are being resentful, we are re-living our negative emotions, and projecting them onto others, or onto whatever. We feel the negativity first-hand, and others experience us as being negative, angry, hurtful, hateful, unreasonable, reactionary, irresponsible, childish, petty, etc etc -- what they don't expereince is our first-hand knowledge of the resentment -- they can't. Resentments wholly belong to the person being resentful. Its not something that can be equally shared as an experience -- resentments are always such a lonely experience...
This is why resentments are so useless -- they are always from the past and being forced into our present moment -- with horrible results.
I think you are putting to much into being so subjective with your experiences with resentments both past and present. It's not about being personal when we release our resentments, even though it's such a personal thing, it helps to know that everybody creates resentments, so it's totally a normal life experience, and so you're just being "normal" (what ever that is, lol)
If you resent your husband, work it out within yourself, forgive yourself, don't be confused with blame and guilt and projections, and then warmly, gently, forgive your husband, and move on with your happiness.
Yeah, easier said then done, I know it, but there it is, nonetheless. To resolve our resentments, we must stop re-living them...
I hope this helps you relax and not worry so much...
So, its not really about what so and so did, or didn't do -- its all about our emotional experiences when whatever happened. Most resentments are not rational, and so little is to be gained by trying to "think them out."
Blaming someone, holding them as guilty, is not the same as resenting them. Actually, when we are being resentful, we are re-living our negative emotions, and projecting them onto others, or onto whatever. We feel the negativity first-hand, and others experience us as being negative, angry, hurtful, hateful, unreasonable, reactionary, irresponsible, childish, petty, etc etc -- what they don't expereince is our first-hand knowledge of the resentment -- they can't. Resentments wholly belong to the person being resentful. Its not something that can be equally shared as an experience -- resentments are always such a lonely experience...
This is why resentments are so useless -- they are always from the past and being forced into our present moment -- with horrible results.
Originally Posted by Lost3000
I wonder if I put too much thought into this. I'm a serious person and tend to overthink things. But man am I resentful towards him. It worries me. I don't want our marriage to end. And with all the arguing lately, I'm really worried about our future happiness.
If you resent your husband, work it out within yourself, forgive yourself, don't be confused with blame and guilt and projections, and then warmly, gently, forgive your husband, and move on with your happiness.
Yeah, easier said then done, I know it, but there it is, nonetheless. To resolve our resentments, we must stop re-living them...
I hope this helps you relax and not worry so much...
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Well, just got off the phone with my husband. He threatened divorce. Now how can I get over that??? Gee, is that a resentment? I'm sure tomorrow I'll wake up dandy feeling. And when he reaches towards me for a kiss, should I just put the thought of his threat out of my mind? Quit re-living the threat??
Sorry, I'm really upset right now. Really upset.
Sorry, I'm really upset right now. Really upset.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
I'm sorry you're going thru so much right now, Lost. I've been in similar arguments with my wife. We've learned and accept that things said in anger are what they are: things said.
It doesen't feel better with this approach, but it does bring some sanity to our relationship, and from there we can work things out calmly, and with love and respect, and that feels better.
Again, so sorry your going thru so much today.
It doesen't feel better with this approach, but it does bring some sanity to our relationship, and from there we can work things out calmly, and with love and respect, and that feels better.
Again, so sorry your going thru so much today.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
I am so angry right now. I mean livid. I'm 5 min away from calling him and telling him to F off. To pack his crap and get out. I don't take the threat of divorce lightly. We spent about 20 min on the phone with him outlining all of the things I do wrong, and how I need to back off. How about a hotel for backing off? I'm seriously 5 min from calling him and telling him that I will not be bullied. That he's been a complete *ssh*le for days now and I've had it. I've really had it.
I've spent the last almost 7 months working my tail off. Trying to be a better person, more patient, more kind - not drinking - all to be threatened with divorce.
I don't see how I'm going to get over this one.
I've spent the last almost 7 months working my tail off. Trying to be a better person, more patient, more kind - not drinking - all to be threatened with divorce.
I don't see how I'm going to get over this one.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Lost3000 
I've spent the last almost 7 months working my tail off. Trying to be a better person, more patient, more kind - not drinking - all to be threatened with divorce.
I don't see how I'm going to get over this one.
I don't see how I'm going to get over this one.
Sorry.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?......
.....So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom....
....It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die
PLEASE!! call your sponsor
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?......
.....So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom....
....It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die
PLEASE!! call your sponsor
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Talking makes me cry more, so no, I haven't called anyone just yet. I'm going to a mtg in 2 hrs. though. I called my husband back and asked, did you say that in anger? He said yes, I'd never leave you, I'm having a very stressful time and every time we talk it ends like this. I told him I didn't appreciate being bullied or called a little girl. I told him I felt like leaving the office, packing up my things and never looking back. He didn't have much to say to that. I really do feel like doing that.
I can't think about forgiveness right now, or the fact he said it in anger. I know I will eventually get over it. I'd rather get over it sooner rather than later but it's sooooo hard.
So I'm thinking about this resentment.
What: He left yesterday morning with barely a goodbye, then the next day yelled and threatened divorce.
Why: Made me feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted.
Which part of me was affected: My self-esteem, I don't feel important enough to him, or valuable to him.
Where I am at fault: ???????????
I can't think about forgiveness right now, or the fact he said it in anger. I know I will eventually get over it. I'd rather get over it sooner rather than later but it's sooooo hard.
So I'm thinking about this resentment.
What: He left yesterday morning with barely a goodbye, then the next day yelled and threatened divorce.
Why: Made me feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted.
Which part of me was affected: My self-esteem, I don't feel important enough to him, or valuable to him.
Where I am at fault: ???????????
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by tomsteve
PLEASE!! call your sponsor
My sponsor is usually at the mtgs, so likely I'll see her there. But I don't want to start bawling, a likely result if I call her right now. I have an hour and a half until the mtg.
Thanks for that portion of the BB. I read it and remembered.
So you think I'm relying on self-will? I submit to my HP, what will be will be. I can't go against the river so to speak, I'm going with it, whichever way it goes.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Robby, thanks for your advice. I'll think about it some more today. It did make me feel just a tiny bit better knowing others have been here before. It's damn near impossible for me to change myself. In the past, I would have rewarded myself today with a ton of vodka, the minute I got out of work. Now, I have nothing to smother up my feelings and it's really hard.
I realized earlier, that a "good" thing is that my husband will be in class after work tonight, freeing me up for the gym or yet another meeting if I so choose. I can do this freely without telling him or trying to make it home for dinner.
I realized earlier, that a "good" thing is that my husband will be in class after work tonight, freeing me up for the gym or yet another meeting if I so choose. I can do this freely without telling him or trying to make it home for dinner.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
I have to say, part of my angst lately is that I feel I've been working so hard on bettering myself, and I don't see the payoff from my husband. I wanted him to notice that I've changed, I'm different! But he doesn't seem to. I wanted him to recognize how hard I've been working, acknowledge the fact that I am indeed living a sober life! But he doesn't, damn it.
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
A friend in AA told me not to talk to my husband about this stuff, the part about me wanting him to see how different I am, he said that I have to keep doing what I'm doing and the payoff will come. He said he talked with his wife about him changing and her not changing, but only after a few years.
I see now why he told me this. Like Live2 said, I think perhaps I shouldn't be talking about the steps with my husband. I talk to him about AA, he asks me how my mtgs go and such, but maybe I shouldn't be so in depth with him (especially given what happened with regard to me telling him about my resentment towards our niece).
I see now why he told me this. Like Live2 said, I think perhaps I shouldn't be talking about the steps with my husband. I talk to him about AA, he asks me how my mtgs go and such, but maybe I shouldn't be so in depth with him (especially given what happened with regard to me telling him about my resentment towards our niece).
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Lost3000
Talking makes me cry more, so no, I haven't called anyone just yet. I'm going to a mtg in 2 hrs. though.
I called my husband back and asked, did you say that in anger? He said yes, I'd never leave you, I'm having a very stressful time and every time we talk it ends like this.
I told him I didn't appreciate being bullied or called a little girl. I told him I felt like leaving the office, packing up my things and never looking back. He didn't have much to say to that. I really do feel like doing that.
I can't think about forgiveness right now, or the fact he said it in anger. I know I will eventually get over it. I'd rather get over it sooner rather than later but it's sooooo hard.
So I'm thinking about this resentment.
What: He left yesterday morning with barely a goodbye, then the next day yelled and threatened divorce.
Why: Made me feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted.
Which part of me was affected: My self-esteem, I don't feel important enough to him, or valuable to him.
Where I am at fault: ???????????
I called my husband back and asked, did you say that in anger? He said yes, I'd never leave you, I'm having a very stressful time and every time we talk it ends like this.
I told him I didn't appreciate being bullied or called a little girl. I told him I felt like leaving the office, packing up my things and never looking back. He didn't have much to say to that. I really do feel like doing that.
I can't think about forgiveness right now, or the fact he said it in anger. I know I will eventually get over it. I'd rather get over it sooner rather than later but it's sooooo hard.
So I'm thinking about this resentment.
What: He left yesterday morning with barely a goodbye, then the next day yelled and threatened divorce.
Why: Made me feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted.
Which part of me was affected: My self-esteem, I don't feel important enough to him, or valuable to him.
Where I am at fault: ???????????
For example....
I've yelled at my wife in ways that are not less hurtful to her, simply because I may have been sensitive to being hurt first, is no excuse for me to hurt her back as if she deserved it because I'm feeling hurt...
So morally, my fault is an eye for a eye. She drew blood, so now it's my turn, see how wrong that is....
How many times was I hurtful in exactly the same manner as my wife was to me? Morally speaking, many times....
Like the kettle calling the pot black, you know?
Feelings pass. Don't make decisions on only hurtful/angry feelings. Make informed, responsible decisions based on the merits of the totality of your marriage, and that can never be rightly, and morally done, when your overwhelmed with hurt.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Your personal inventory is yours, not your husbands. I know its hard, but you've gotta focus on you, number one, before anything else. You and I have been fighting along side for 7 months now, don't stop now girl! I need someone to hold hands with when we cross the yellow tape this december! lol
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Robby, what I took from your post was that the moral inventory doesn't need to be for every exact situation in time.
I've definitely hurt him in the past in the same depth he hurt me today. So are you saying that my part in the resentment list is just that? I mean, specifically, I shouldn't have called him back, should have let him be like he asked.
Ya, I know feelings pass. I feel like I just fell back in my old ways, just like that. For all these months I've had much more patience during little arguments we've had. But this time it seemed to all go out the window!
I've definitely hurt him in the past in the same depth he hurt me today. So are you saying that my part in the resentment list is just that? I mean, specifically, I shouldn't have called him back, should have let him be like he asked.
Ya, I know feelings pass. I feel like I just fell back in my old ways, just like that. For all these months I've had much more patience during little arguments we've had. But this time it seemed to all go out the window!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
I havent started any step work yet but still in outpatient 5 days aweek and only get to meeting on the weekends. However has anyone had depression from the decisions you made during your addicition.... I got married and thought i had the woman of my dreams but now I can't even stand being around her....to make things worse she pregnant she was a user before she was pregnant but quit and now im afraid that since she hasnt went through what i did she will use again when my son is born, anyone had something remotly similiar happen??
Sober since Jan 1, 2012
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
Originally Posted by FlyerFan
Your personal inventory is yours, not your husbands. I know its hard, but you've gotta focus on you, number one, before anything else. You and I have been fighting along side for 7 months now, don't stop now girl! I need someone to hold hands with when we cross the yellow tape this december! lol
I'm trying to take personal inventory. This is how my sponsor and I are working it. We make up four columns, filled with the who, why, how it made me feel/affected me, and my part in it. I'm really stuck on my part in it.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Lost3000
Robby, what I took from your post was that the moral inventory doesn't need to be for every exact situation in time.
Never mind about each respective instance -- seek the moral answer and you'll always be doing right with releasing the resentments.
Originally Posted by Lost3000
I've definitely hurt him in the past in the same depth he hurt me today. So are you saying that my part in the resentment list is just that? I mean, specifically, I shouldn't have called him back, should have let him be like he asked.
Originally Posted by Lost3000
Ya, I know feelings pass. I feel like I just fell back in my old ways, just like that. For all these months I've had much more patience during little arguments we've had. But this time it seemed to all go out the window!
Have some time to enjoy your progress. Perhaps tell your husband how you want to believe he does notice your changes, and it would be way appreciated if he could share what he notices. It does no harm to let people we love know we need them to appreciate our successes!
On the same idea, is there appreciation you can extend to your husband on what he has, and is accomplishing, too? I'm sure there is....
Awesome working thru this, Lost.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
