Mother passed away 2 years ago -Guilt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2
Mother passed away 2 years ago -Guilt
I'm not really sure why I am here and I feel a little silly sharing my story. I guess I'm hoping this will help relieve some of the pain I have been feeling.
My mother passed away from her drinking on October 2010; she was only 40 years old. I have been struggling with the pain I feel from her death. She was an alcoholic for 12 years throughout most of my childhood/teens. My mother is what I would consider a 'bing alcoholic'. She would drink for 3 weeks straight then take a week off or, drink for 1 month then sober for 1 month. This made my life really stressful as I never knew what I was walking into when I came home or when it would end.
My mother was living with my father and brother in the States while I was in Canada for the last couple years of her life. My brother eventually came to live with me to get away from it all. My father eventually took a huge step and decided to seperate from my mother. He moved into a condo but didn't really severe the ties. He paid for my mothers housing and his own during this time. He would spend time with her until she drank and he would leave thinking this would teach her consequences of her actions. Except my father always went back to see if she was alright. My brother and I would constantly call and allow us to listen to her drunken rants to know she is alright. 8 months of this pass before I encourage my mother to come live in Canada with me so my father can live his own life. I was able to convince her to leave in hopes that she could gain some independence.
This is my biggest regret and mistake.
When she arrived she was staying at a hotel for a couple of days while we moved things into her new home. During that time she drank while my family took care of the rest. Those couple of days turned into couple of weeks. She became such a nusance to the staff we had to move her to a new hotel as she refused to go to her new home. I spend everyday with her at the hotel because I was so worried she would hurt herself. I had never seen her so irrational. I had never seen her throw herself into her drinking quite like this. She was beyond the person I loved and became this person I deeply feared. Eventually we were able to get her to move into this new home and the drinking temoporarily stopped. We went a couple of weeks of sobriety and I was so happy. I spend time with her laughing and it was the last time I was happy with her.
Shortly after that I began a new job and couldn't see her every day like I was. Along with school I just simply didn't have the time and my visits were reduced to weekends. The last Sunday I saw her I told her I loved her and said I was excited to hand out Halloween candy with her the following weekend. I also left a voicemail message on the Wednesday to remind her I loved her but never heard back. That was the last time I spoke with my mother.
The following weekend I drove with my brother to my mothers home and had a sinking feeling. I felt like I was going to throw-up because I knew something was wrong. When we drove up I was greeted by 5 officers. They informed me that my mother had passed a couple of days prior to her discovery. There was nothing anyone could do about it. It was already over. I had to stick around and identify the body for the corroner and that was the most difficult task I have ever had to face in my life.
My families biggest fear came true and I feel an incredible amount of guilt even though it's been almost 2 years. I have learned how to mask my pain better and better instead of truly dealing with this. I was hoping sharing my story with you all and writting out the events would help me accept it. I'm a terrible story teller and I hope this made sense as this was only the tip of the iceberg of what I experienced. Her birthday is approaching and I am dealing with terrible nightmares that remind me of how much pain she caused me. I'm hoping this will release some of the thoughts rolling around in my head.
Thanks for listening.
My mother passed away from her drinking on October 2010; she was only 40 years old. I have been struggling with the pain I feel from her death. She was an alcoholic for 12 years throughout most of my childhood/teens. My mother is what I would consider a 'bing alcoholic'. She would drink for 3 weeks straight then take a week off or, drink for 1 month then sober for 1 month. This made my life really stressful as I never knew what I was walking into when I came home or when it would end.
My mother was living with my father and brother in the States while I was in Canada for the last couple years of her life. My brother eventually came to live with me to get away from it all. My father eventually took a huge step and decided to seperate from my mother. He moved into a condo but didn't really severe the ties. He paid for my mothers housing and his own during this time. He would spend time with her until she drank and he would leave thinking this would teach her consequences of her actions. Except my father always went back to see if she was alright. My brother and I would constantly call and allow us to listen to her drunken rants to know she is alright. 8 months of this pass before I encourage my mother to come live in Canada with me so my father can live his own life. I was able to convince her to leave in hopes that she could gain some independence.
This is my biggest regret and mistake.
When she arrived she was staying at a hotel for a couple of days while we moved things into her new home. During that time she drank while my family took care of the rest. Those couple of days turned into couple of weeks. She became such a nusance to the staff we had to move her to a new hotel as she refused to go to her new home. I spend everyday with her at the hotel because I was so worried she would hurt herself. I had never seen her so irrational. I had never seen her throw herself into her drinking quite like this. She was beyond the person I loved and became this person I deeply feared. Eventually we were able to get her to move into this new home and the drinking temoporarily stopped. We went a couple of weeks of sobriety and I was so happy. I spend time with her laughing and it was the last time I was happy with her.
Shortly after that I began a new job and couldn't see her every day like I was. Along with school I just simply didn't have the time and my visits were reduced to weekends. The last Sunday I saw her I told her I loved her and said I was excited to hand out Halloween candy with her the following weekend. I also left a voicemail message on the Wednesday to remind her I loved her but never heard back. That was the last time I spoke with my mother.
The following weekend I drove with my brother to my mothers home and had a sinking feeling. I felt like I was going to throw-up because I knew something was wrong. When we drove up I was greeted by 5 officers. They informed me that my mother had passed a couple of days prior to her discovery. There was nothing anyone could do about it. It was already over. I had to stick around and identify the body for the corroner and that was the most difficult task I have ever had to face in my life.
My families biggest fear came true and I feel an incredible amount of guilt even though it's been almost 2 years. I have learned how to mask my pain better and better instead of truly dealing with this. I was hoping sharing my story with you all and writting out the events would help me accept it. I'm a terrible story teller and I hope this made sense as this was only the tip of the iceberg of what I experienced. Her birthday is approaching and I am dealing with terrible nightmares that remind me of how much pain she caused me. I'm hoping this will release some of the thoughts rolling around in my head.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Maladie I'm so sorry this happened to you and your brother. Alcoholism is a terrible thing and it hurts the family as much as the alcoholic. I pray for you to be at peace. Nothing you could have done or not do would have changed anything. Please know this. You are not guilty of anything, you are an adult that had to live your life. And you sound like you were a very good daughter with a very difficult mother. I understand and we all do here on the forum.
Please try to read some of the stickies above as you are dealing with your grief. And keep posting if it helps. We are here.
Please try to read some of the stickies above as you are dealing with your grief. And keep posting if it helps. We are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2
Thank you for your kind words Kialua. I will look at the stickies and hopefully get some insight on how to deal with my pain. Most days I feel like I am moving forward but every once in a while it all comes flooding back and its very intense. I'm not really sure what to do anymore since taking care of my family was my whole life and I'm not confident enough to do things for myself without feeling guilt.
I also feel as time goes on I get confused on how she really was. Am I putting her on a pedestal? Am I imagining it was worse then it was? I start to second guess my experiences and confused.
I also feel as time goes on I get confused on how she really was. Am I putting her on a pedestal? Am I imagining it was worse then it was? I start to second guess my experiences and confused.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Here's just a few to get you started:
The awakening
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...awakening.html
ACA Bill of Rights
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html
13 Characteristics of Adult Children
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Roles in an Alcoholic Family)
The roles in an alcoholic family
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-family.html
The awakening
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...awakening.html
ACA Bill of Rights
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html
13 Characteristics of Adult Children
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Roles in an Alcoholic Family)
The roles in an alcoholic family
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-family.html
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