rdlesstraveled

Due to the fact that he never called me back last night, nor texted me like he normally does in the morning, I ended up calling him on my lunchbreak. He answered and said "I'm getting a haircut, I will call you back"

I did not expect a callback.

I was shocked when he called me 1/2 hr later.

Guys, I totally messed up...... In fact, I possibly messed up his recovery and I am terribly distraught over it, but I totally lost it (I was trying so hard to keep it together) You have no idea how hard I tried but I was going to burst if I didn't get it out.

Basically he started off the conversation by saying that while sitting in his rehab class last night, he was completely anxious. Normally I would have been empathetic (and would have bit my tongue.... gotta be quiet for the "team") I told him that I didn't understand why he didn't have the courtesy to call me back or text me this morning (he freaks if he can't get a hold of me, but I am supposed to be OK)

Then I totally lost it. I started to tear up as I professed to him how I was feeling..... that I was here for him but that he wasn't treating me very good. His answer "yeah, it is not fair to you"

I translated that to prep me for "the break-up" So I said, "maybe we need some space because I feel like I am messing up your recovery. I do NOT know what to do. I have been reading up on how to be there for you and I don't know what to do!!!!!!! "A" I just don't know what to do!!!!"

I then started to cry a little.

We will probably never talk again because he is going to start therapy tomorrow and I am sure that after he shares that little convo, the therapist will tell him to ditch me because I am not healthy for him....... I feel like I totally messed everything up. I feel like I should withdraw because I am messing everything up. Gosh, this hurts so bad!!!!! I have no one to turn o except this forum. I do not know anyone going through any of this, so no one would understand.

I am frantic right now. I am mad that I didn't keep my mouth shut! I f'ed him up, I effed up his recovery and I effed up our relationship with my neediness. I am selfish. I wanted his recovery, but I had no idea how to deal with it.

This whole disease bites the BIG one and I am so afraid. I feel like I am losing it! How will I live without him???????

Katiekate

stop, deep breath!!!!

It was one converstation.

The only one who can screw up his recovery is him!!! Right??? Yes Right!

Do you have a counselor honey????

Yes it's all locked up, if the relationship fails it;s all your fault. Right??? WRONG

We are codies, we think we are responsible for all the bad behavior, bad decesions, and all the horrible things occuring in the world.

You get to blow off steam, you get to have feelings and you get to express them.

Maybe it's time for you to start seriously thinking about how all of this has impacted you. You are a part of this equation.

I have been there, I really have, same stuff, I screwed it all up. It's not the truth sweetie. It just isn't.

Big hug for you.. Katie

m1k3

First, you can't mess up his recovery. It doesn't belong to you and you have not control over it.

I'm pretty sure you have seen the 3 c's before as it concerns an A's drinking.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

Same goes for his recovery. You can't cause him to want recovery. You can't control his recovery and you sure as heck can't eff up his recovery.

Next, I see a lot of him, he, his in your post. Maybe it's time to focus on yourself.

Once I started to focus on myself, read and post here and start going to Alanon I got better. I used what I learned to make me healthy.

2 of the big things I learned is that the only person responsible for my happiness was me and the second was I didn't need someone else to complete me. I was enough just as I am.

So, please consider going to Alanon. Try more that one meeting as they each have a different flavor. It took me 5 or 6 different meetings to find the one that fit me best.

And, keep coming back because this site contains a wealth of experience, strength, hope, wisdom and truly wonderful people in all stages of recovery.

Your friend,

rdlesstraveled

wow Anvilhead...... thank you for posting that,

FireSprite

Great advice all around here, but this line (to me) says it all & keeps it all in perspective.

rdlesstraveled

thank you all for your wonderful advice.

I sent him a simple text and will lay it to rest. Everything is out of my control and what will be, will be. Time to start my own healing.

This is what I sent............

Dear "A"

I'm embarrassed. I did not handle that conversation as well as I should have.

I apologize for how I handled that conversation and I apologize if I have been displaying codependent/smothering behavior. It is unacceptable for me to accuse you of things just because I am anxious about the relationship and thinking that you will abandon me.

I will not sever this relationship, but it is obvious that I need help and I need to get it.

Let's take a few days to get ourselves together and maybe talk on Sunday. I am here for you if you need to talk, but we really should take a few days.

If we are meant to be, we will both heal and it will work.

MsPINKAcres

Breathe, Just Breathe ~

may I share a great piece of information that was given to me about the A's in my life when I was so scared I would "mess up" their recovery . . .
one old timer in al-anon said . . .

"You weren't powerful enough to get them sober, you aren't powerful enough to get them drunk"

Allow them the dignity, self-respect and responsibility of their own lives - it's the loving thing to do ~

Now, take a deep breath and give yourself the dignity, self-respect and responsiblity of your own life ~ YOU deserve it.

PINK HUGS,
Rita

BlueSkies1

I've learned that nothing in life is an emergency besides stopping young children from running in front of cars, and the like.
Think about it. If he loves you, you love him, relax. He's not going to abandon you over a phone call, neither should you. If either of you do, then it was an excuse, the single phone call, and the relationship was not going to work out anyway, and somebody was looking for an excuse to get out.
Relationships die over big stuff, not the little stuff...this one phone call was little stuff.
So as long as you can look out your window and there are no children out there running in front of cars...try telling yourself that you have no emergency right now...it's all ok.
I know it is easier said than done. But I've also realized we all get many many many many second chances, as many as necessary, as long as both people still desire each other.
Don't sweat the small stuff! We all, included me, need to be reminded of that daily.

rdlesstraveled

MadeofGlass,

I think I love you! (in a healthy, non-codependent way of course!!!) lol bad joke! You are right, no small children (or furry animal children) are running in front of cars. No emergency!

All of you on this forum make so much sense, but I think that the best thing is knowing that there are many of you that know EXACTLY how I feel. You give great advice and have the most encouraging words (and I don't have to pay a co-pay!!!!

RevivingOphelia

On the 5th you wrote that your boyfriend asked for some space. Why not give it to him? (without texting, etc.)

This panic at the thought of destroying his recovery and the relationship is not healthy for either of you. In your recent text, you basically apologized or admitted fault about five times. That tells me that you are desperate to keep his favour and this relationship. Even the title of this thread is worrying. As I am sure you realize, a relationship shouldn't be built on that fear or sense of insecurity and dependency.


I would seriously consider stepping back entirely from this relationship for MONTHS in order for both of you to get to a healthier place whereby a mature and secure relationship may have the potential to unfold.

Good luck to you both.

rdlesstraveled

He just responded to my text. this is what he wrote,

"I agree, its my fault! You are the sweetest thing and I am rejecting that right now for some reason. I will try to work through some stuff with myself with my therapist and group! Thanks and I love you!"

So at this point, I will let the cards fall where they may. I cannot control his recovery or our relationship. I will get help, he will get help. regardless of whether we stay together or not, two people will be slaughtering some of their demons and that is better for the world at large because at least there will be 2 healthier people to help battle alcoholism.

rdlesstraveled

Actually a little anxiety has dissipated because I feel a sense of hope and relief because now I am not stuck in limbo. I think that the both of us will be better people because of this whole fiasco (regardless of if we stay together or not) I have been "codependent" in every relationship I have every been in and he has been a drinker since the age of 15.

I won't lie, I am slightly scared, but I have to get through this. I have to get over this. I cannot continue to be this way. Even if he and I don't work out this will continue to haunt me in future relationships. I don't want to be like this anymore. I need to ACTIVELY take care of this. I have read and analyzed and now it is time to do the tough stuff.

SadHeart

You are allowed to make mistakes (over reacting).

You are allowed to have needs (to be treated the way he wants to be treated with reasonable response on your calls).

You are not responsible for his recovery.

NOTHING you do can set HIS recovery back.

It belongs to him. It does not belong to you.

The only thing you did wrong was to be human. rather than superhuman.

Guess what? It's your turn.

m1k3

Looking at how I thought was a great tool for me. I always referred to myself, even in my head, as us and we and M&L. I almost never used I, me or my in my internal dialog.

My recovery really began when I began to see myself as I rather than us or we.

A simple change in perspective can make a world of difference.

Your friend,

rdlesstraveled

It is almost like PTSD. Being raised in an alcoholic home, you create coping mechanisms that work when you are a kid. Even though I am physically 35, my emotional state is that of a 18 year old (which ironically is around the time I found out that my father was a drinker). I think that at that moment, my mind could not wrap itself around the fact that I was so blind as to miss the alcoholism. On that day I stunted my growth and my soul. There is a hole in my soul and I guess I feel like if I stuff love in there, I will feel whole. A recovering alcoholic fits perfectly in that hole in my soul because he is "my father" and maybe this time I will get that love back.........

m1k3

You hit the nail on the head with that one. I was the same way with the same hole. Now I fill it with me.

Your friend,

JustaBloke

Yep, wow. Same exact situation for me. Thought my AF only took my childhood. I thought I had put that way behind me and was a healthy adult. Surprised, shocked and bewildered to learn how he has effected me as an adult... Narcissism sucks so much out of you. Its the gift that keeps giving. You need to read 'After the Tears' It will help you immensely.

We deserve better, so while I hope it works out for you, make sure you don't lose yourself. Don't let someone else's emotions control you.

rdlesstraveled

Justabloke,

Thank you for your kind words! I love to read so I was excited to see that you recommended a book. Just found out that I can get it on my Nook, so guess what I will be doing tonight?

I promise I will not lose myself. I can still feel that tiny spark in my soul. I only hope that over time I can make it burn bright again.