Day Five ... Getting Stronger
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Day Five ... Getting Stronger
Okay, I have been gone since Thursday night, so about five days. I am starting to get my emotions under control. This morning I woke up, feeling pretty darn good. I can feel my sense of humor returning, last night I was joking with my mom. Last night, me and my two year old were goofing around and playing without having a drunk man glaring at us thinking somehow our having fun was singling him out or whatever the hell goes through that alcoholic brain of his.
For the last five days, I haven't been told I am a lying, cheating wh*&e and that feels good. An alcoholic hasn't sat in a chair with a sick, sardonic smile on his face as he plots what buttons to push. I don't miss the smell, the drunken stagger, the request and expectation that I will cook dinner. I don't miss wondering if he is peeing all over the toilet seat while he is in the bathroom. I don't miss the resentment of feeling like I buy and do everything around the house.
I have been staying with my mom for a few days for emotional support and it is so nice to be able to talk to people who aren't drunk everyday. I like that her boyfriend has cooked ME dinner for the past few nights. I like the fact that my mom helps out with my son. My son seems to be calming down some too and is constantly telling me how much he loves me. He hasn't really mentioned his daddy at all, although last night I did tell him that his daddy loved him too. I don't want to keep him away from having a relationship with his dad, but I will keep him safe from him.
I have a meeting with a domestic abuse advocate on Monday who provides free consulting services with an attorney to fill out my custody paperwork. To be honest, I don't think A will really fight me on the custody issue as long as he gets supervised visits. I think it is more his mom that is freaking out about the whole custody thing. My mom saw A last night when I sold him the car I had bought for him (his mommy paid for it for him) and she said he was standing there with the same sick, sarcastic smile on his face. Basically, I am sure he was feeling proud of 'himself' that he manipulated someone into getting his car back for him. Whatevs. I got my money for it FINALLY, so that is just more money out of his moms pocket as far as I am concerned.
It was funny, I talked to his brother and he said, A went to an AA meeting Friday, and he seemed really receptive to other people's stories. I didn't respond, just chuckled inside. He then made the comment that, A hadn't drinkin' since Friday. I said, hmmmm, awful funny because when I went to the house Sunday to have him removed, he had a beer glass that he tried to hide from me on the side of the couch. This was at NOON. There was also an almost empty pint of rum in the fridge. Usually he had been hiding it in the freezer. Then A's brother said, I have removed all the liquor from my house (cuz A is stayin' with him now) and I have been checking under beds, in garbage cans, etc etc to make sure he isn't drinking. Again, I just shrug my shoulders. Let his family see what I have been living with. Let them feel my pain for a month or two. Let them find pee everywhere and try to get him to 'want' to quit. Now A has a car again and I am pretty positive he will be driving around drinking, hiding out drinking in his car. LOL
Anyhows, again my SR family, thanks so much for all the support over the last 18 months or so. Without validation that I deserve more, should expect more and that I wasn't alone and crazy, I might still be stuck. But instead, I am FINALLY FREE. Gosh, it feels soooooo good. I will never, EVER EVER go back to him. I don't care if he is sober 1,600 years, I am never living with a person who is/has been an alcoholic again.
For the last five days, I haven't been told I am a lying, cheating wh*&e and that feels good. An alcoholic hasn't sat in a chair with a sick, sardonic smile on his face as he plots what buttons to push. I don't miss the smell, the drunken stagger, the request and expectation that I will cook dinner. I don't miss wondering if he is peeing all over the toilet seat while he is in the bathroom. I don't miss the resentment of feeling like I buy and do everything around the house.
I have been staying with my mom for a few days for emotional support and it is so nice to be able to talk to people who aren't drunk everyday. I like that her boyfriend has cooked ME dinner for the past few nights. I like the fact that my mom helps out with my son. My son seems to be calming down some too and is constantly telling me how much he loves me. He hasn't really mentioned his daddy at all, although last night I did tell him that his daddy loved him too. I don't want to keep him away from having a relationship with his dad, but I will keep him safe from him.
I have a meeting with a domestic abuse advocate on Monday who provides free consulting services with an attorney to fill out my custody paperwork. To be honest, I don't think A will really fight me on the custody issue as long as he gets supervised visits. I think it is more his mom that is freaking out about the whole custody thing. My mom saw A last night when I sold him the car I had bought for him (his mommy paid for it for him) and she said he was standing there with the same sick, sarcastic smile on his face. Basically, I am sure he was feeling proud of 'himself' that he manipulated someone into getting his car back for him. Whatevs. I got my money for it FINALLY, so that is just more money out of his moms pocket as far as I am concerned.
It was funny, I talked to his brother and he said, A went to an AA meeting Friday, and he seemed really receptive to other people's stories. I didn't respond, just chuckled inside. He then made the comment that, A hadn't drinkin' since Friday. I said, hmmmm, awful funny because when I went to the house Sunday to have him removed, he had a beer glass that he tried to hide from me on the side of the couch. This was at NOON. There was also an almost empty pint of rum in the fridge. Usually he had been hiding it in the freezer. Then A's brother said, I have removed all the liquor from my house (cuz A is stayin' with him now) and I have been checking under beds, in garbage cans, etc etc to make sure he isn't drinking. Again, I just shrug my shoulders. Let his family see what I have been living with. Let them feel my pain for a month or two. Let them find pee everywhere and try to get him to 'want' to quit. Now A has a car again and I am pretty positive he will be driving around drinking, hiding out drinking in his car. LOL
Anyhows, again my SR family, thanks so much for all the support over the last 18 months or so. Without validation that I deserve more, should expect more and that I wasn't alone and crazy, I might still be stuck. But instead, I am FINALLY FREE. Gosh, it feels soooooo good. I will never, EVER EVER go back to him. I don't care if he is sober 1,600 years, I am never living with a person who is/has been an alcoholic again.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
My oh my...you've accomplished an awful lot of stuff in 5 days!! Good for you!! Isn't it amazing how much we can accomplish when our energy and spirit isn't sapped by dancing around an active alcoholic in the house? You're doing great. I am so happy for you. Just keep going...keep doing the 'next right thing'.
Mary
Mary
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Yes Mary, it is amazing how I am starting to feel sane again. Mind you I still do get the occasional random emotion of hurt and sadness that XA couldn't realize that life is greater than a bottle of Coors or a spot of rum. I get sad that he couldn't recognize the beauty of the smile of a 2 year old who said, "Daddy, I love you," and took my words that I would leave him if he didn't quit for granted.
But I also recognize through these stories and through his own life experiences and his past addictions that this has been an ongoing trajectory for him since a decade before I came into the picture. I hold on to the hope, for our son, that he will find peace and the desire to change. I hold onto hope that he will see the beauty of life beyond the buzz and that he will learn to appreciate those who have given so much of themselves to help him.
One can hope. But one can't ruin their life or the life of an innocent child based on fantasy and fictitious hopes for a fairy tale that is really a horror novel.
But I also recognize through these stories and through his own life experiences and his past addictions that this has been an ongoing trajectory for him since a decade before I came into the picture. I hold on to the hope, for our son, that he will find peace and the desire to change. I hold onto hope that he will see the beauty of life beyond the buzz and that he will learn to appreciate those who have given so much of themselves to help him.
One can hope. But one can't ruin their life or the life of an innocent child based on fantasy and fictitious hopes for a fairy tale that is really a horror novel.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
I'm so happy for you chronsweet that you are not only taking such fantastic steps, but that you are so happy in it too. I will admit, having just had a rare "run-in" with my AH, that I'm a bit jealous of you too.
You, along with several others, are turning into role modles for me, and your posting and sharing will help make me stronger and keep me going until I'm out of this toxic situation. Please keep sharing so we can continue to see you grow each day.
Adventure x
You, along with several others, are turning into role modles for me, and your posting and sharing will help make me stronger and keep me going until I'm out of this toxic situation. Please keep sharing so we can continue to see you grow each day.
Adventure x
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