He's been sober for 3 yrs........but we still don't connect

Old 07-24-2012, 05:57 AM
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He's been sober for 3 yrs........but we still don't connect

I don't get it. Why can we not relax with each other? He fills me with anxiety. It seems my codependent nature tells me I'm supposed to cater to his needs even if I don't want to and if I don't, I feel terribly guilty for neglecting to sacrifice myself for his happiness. He doesn't and cannot see my true self, the easy-going, adventurous, passionate self that has been damaged and jaded by all that has gone before. I don't feel youthful any more. He aged me. I let him.

On the other hand , I know him like the back of my thumb. I know that he is emotionally immature and can get his feelings hurt by the smallest infraction of my attention. He is impractical in his expectations of me. He thinks he should be the center of my attention as soon as he begins to speak. (We have four children, laundry, dinner to cook, cats, neighbors kids, phone ringing, etc.) When will he grow up? When can I begin to live life on life's terms? I've gone above and beyond the call of duty, yet I feel like my life is always and only about duty. If we did not have the kids, I would have been gone long ago. I wonder often if we were ever compatible. When we met we both drank among other things. We were married three yrs before our first child was born. That's when I realized there was a problem.

It's the same old story everyone else tells. You think you have something special. You think you can change them, that their children will cause them to want to change. So you keep going, hoping. Then one day you realize a huge chunk of your life has been spent in limbo and your finished. Then he goes and sobers up! There is a sick irony to all of it! Now he gets to be a hero. And I've no excuse not to support that mindset. After all, isn't this what I've always been waiting for, the moment when he finally gets the victory over alcohol? Yet he doesn't know the first thing about who I am nor does he want to talk about the toll all of those years has had on my sense of self-worth, how it has altered me. I am expected to suck it up and continue to deal with his arrogant attitudes, his snide comments, his impatience all with a smile on my face. How?

And if it is impossible, which it seems it is to have a conversation about MY feelings when he does or does not do what seems appropriate in a given situation, then what is a body to do to rid themselves of the anxiety? He is not a bad person. He has taken up his responsibility to work and help with the house and the kids. Its just us, our one-on-one interactions that seem so contrived, so unnatural. He seems to want to control me and yet he seems to be just as anxious about me as I am of him. I don't think there is any emotional trust left. We've been testing the waters for three yrs and things haven't leveled out yet. We have kids! He is sober! He still freaks me out emotionally! I just cannot communicate with him. He just does not know how to connect with me. But sex we must have even without a connection and a calm exterior in front of the kids and an appearance of happiness to the outside world. I feel like I never stopped enabling him. Does anyone get what I'm saying?
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Old 07-24-2012, 06:08 AM
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Hi Untangleme, welcome.

I could have written your post. What I am realizing is that the issues my ex have go beyond Alcoholism. There is some personality disorder in play, NPD, BPD, either way, from your post it sounds to me like there is something else going on which may make it impossible for your partner to fill your needs. And let me just add, you deserve to have your basic human needs met, do not feel guilty for having them.

I too, always, went above and beyond and always ended up being a disappointment in someway. I could tell you stories, but I am sure you are quite familiar with anything I had to share.

It might be a good idea to seek counseling, maybe al anon would be helpful, but I will tell you this is a great place to read, get educated, post, get support and feel validated, most of the members here can relate to something you will post in the furture. I'm so glad you are here, I hope you stick around.

Much love to you Katie
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Old 07-24-2012, 06:28 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will continue to post as often as needed.

Some of our stories are in the sticky posts (older permanent posts) at the top of this main forum page. I am always finding wisdom in those posts.

You mention that your husband stopped drinking 3 years ago, but you don't mention if he did any recovery work with a counselor, support group or self-improvement materials. Did he do anything more than put down the alcohol?

What about you? You don't mention what steps you have taken to address codependency or the anxiety of having lived with active alcoholism.

What helped me was reading and posting on SR, attending Alanon meetings, and reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay.

Stick around, we care about you!
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Old 07-24-2012, 06:38 AM
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I totally understand what you are saying. Even though my AH never chose recovery. I felt that his emotions and needs were always so much bigger than everyone else's. We always had good communication skills and when we went to counseling we were able to tell each other things in a safe environment- with a referee. The problem was that at that point he was so angry that he had a hard time saying anything without being mean and I think it made it so that he could not hear anything without getting defensive. Ironically sex was one of the few ways we could communicate and make each other feel good-well until he just couldn't anymore.
I wonder now if he were ever to seek recovery, what kind of interactions we would have.
Al Anon helps a great deal. I realized that he was incapable of being sensitive to my needs and yet I still expected that. I was so focused on him and willing to put my feelings and needs on hold- this only added to my resentment and anger. Al Anon has helped me express my wants in a non threatening way. It also helped me feel better about expressing my boundaries without feeling guilty.
He has changed for the better, now its your turn to change as well. Instead of talking about how his disease has impacted you how about talking about how you want to proceed.
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Old 07-24-2012, 06:46 AM
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UNtangle, I had stayed with my exRAH for years, and he got sober 2 years ago. Like Katie,though I have come to learn that he most definitely suffers from a Personality Disorder. This sounds kind of benign, but, I think if you read up on it, you will see some signs and symptoms.
The BLATANT terrible stuff like cheating and lying pretty much stopped at first,with his sobriety... and the emotional connection was there in fleeting moments.
But after only a few months there was an extreme and overriding air of ENTITLEMENT that he could not seem to even SEE>

It was hurtful and heartbreaking, at first, then just became unworkable.
It was hard when he was a drunk and mostly not present and I was doing all of the parenting, but I had no idea how much harder it would be to do all the parenting and relationship work while he was sober and present. The resentment hit an all time high.

It blew. I thought, "Oh...dry drunk syndrome: he needs to go to more meetings."

No. Thats sugarcoating a bad situation. The symptoms of Dry Drunk are the same as a PD. The pathological self centeredness, the entitlemnet, the grandiosity and exaggeration of their contributions and successes. It is the stuff that we do everyday, and they want an award for it. YEs, you are supposed to cater to his fears and needs even if the kid is in peril. Unbelievable, but it happens.

Truth is, diagnosis, dry drunk ,PD...It doesn't matter. You may feel a great obligation to stay, and to work with him, because, if you are like me you probably struggled and fought for him to get sober and take care of himself. You may have been deluded into thinking that the alcohol was the problem.

Many alcoholics have dual diagnosis, meaning they have addiction issues, which are comorbid/masking a deeper psychological/mental imbalance.

I my exHs case, he was and is anxious in an otherworldly way. He shpould be on anxiety meds, but his insistence is that he is anxious, but he will treat it as a neurological disorder, because he is too proud to admit that he has mental or emotional imbalances.

That is unworkable. The stress brought into the home with a sober him, in many ways was greater than when he was running around town. Biggest difference, the behavior now cannot be written off to alcohol use/addiction.

I put him out of the house at 5 months clean, then he came back (had figured a lot of stuff out...) Then it just got worse, severe panic behavior, but too proud to admit it, so scapegoating and our S7 was suffering from the high stress.

i put him out again. This time for good. He was acting manic, he refused to get real help. Now he is obssessive and controlling from across town.

He will not get well until he is ready, and just like with the alcohol he has to hit a bottom with it. It has to hurt him more than the denial does.
I cannot afford anymore of those stressful days turning into years aging me and damaging our sons world view. NOpe.

Not worth it.
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Old 07-24-2012, 06:57 AM
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Your user name tickles me! I have that feeling often.

Another member posted this from the AA Big Book. It fits in my situation and sounds like it might for yours too -

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"

Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st Ed., pg 82


I spoke up against my dry alcoholic's control, smothering and manipulation yesterday and things took a scary turn this morning. That's fodder for its own topic heading. What I want to say to you is that if you feel there is something missing from your life, that's all the reason you need to seek improvement, even if that means moving on. You are not responsible for your dry alcoholic. Put that responsibility square in the lap of whom it belongs. Just be prepared that it might not be well received.
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Old 07-24-2012, 07:11 AM
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Untangled,
I'm in the same boat with my wife (and four kids). She stopped around Christmas and wonders why I'm still distant. I finally came to a similar conclusion as the others. Her behaviors that hurt are still there as when she was heavy drinking, they just occur less frequently and with not as much drama. But they're still there!

Trust your feelings. There are reasons that you feel the way you do.
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:40 AM
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"I know that he is emotionally immature and can get his feelings hurt by the smallest infraction of my attention"

OMG... THIS is perfect. I am living this with my AH. Out of self preservation and also, BEING A MOM, my daughter gets my attention a lot. I like her more, frankly... and she's 8. He competes with her like a younger sibling. Gross.

L.
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
UNtangle, I had stayed with my exRAH for years, and he got sober 2 years ago. Like Katie,though I have come to learn that he most definitely suffers from a Personality Disorder. This sounds kind of benign, but, I think if you read up on it, you will see some signs and symptoms.
The BLATANT terrible stuff like cheating and lying pretty much stopped at first,with his sobriety... and the emotional connection was there in fleeting moments.
But after only a few months there was an extreme and overriding air of ENTITLEMENT that he could not seem to even SEE>

It was hurtful and heartbreaking, at first, then just became unworkable.
It was hard when he was a drunk and mostly not present and I was doing all of the parenting, but I had no idea how much harder it would be to do all the parenting and relationship work while he was sober and present. The resentment hit an all time high.

It blew. I thought, "Oh...dry drunk syndrome: he needs to go to more meetings."

No. Thats sugarcoating a bad situation. The symptoms of Dry Drunk are the same as a PD. The pathological self centeredness, the entitlemnet, the grandiosity and exaggeration of their contributions and successes. It is the stuff that we do everyday, and they want an award for it. YEs, you are supposed to cater to his fears and needs even if the kid is in peril. Unbelievable, but it happens.

Truth is, diagnosis, dry drunk ,PD...It doesn't matter. You may feel a great obligation to stay, and to work with him, because, if you are like me you probably struggled and fought for him to get sober and take care of himself. You may have been deluded into thinking that the alcohol was the problem.

Many alcoholics have dual diagnosis, meaning they have addiction issues, which are comorbid/masking a deeper psychological/mental imbalance.

I my exHs case, he was and is anxious in an otherworldly way. He shpould be on anxiety meds, but his insistence is that he is anxious, but he will treat it as a neurological disorder, because he is too proud to admit that he has mental or emotional imbalances.

That is unworkable. The stress brought into the home with a sober him, in many ways was greater than when he was running around town. Biggest difference, the behavior now cannot be written off to alcohol use/addiction.

I put him out of the house at 5 months clean, then he came back (had figured a lot of stuff out...) Then it just got worse, severe panic behavior, but too proud to admit it, so scapegoating and our S7 was suffering from the high stress.

i put him out again. This time for good. He was acting manic, he refused to get real help. Now he is obssessive and controlling from across town.

He will not get well until he is ready, and just like with the alcohol he has to hit a bottom with it. It has to hurt him more than the denial does.
I cannot afford anymore of those stressful days turning into years aging me and damaging our sons world view. NOpe.

Not worth it.
Thank you Buffalo! xo
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:44 AM
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I understand this COMPLETELY. And I am sick over it.
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