how do i stay strong?

Old 07-23-2012, 08:39 PM
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Let Go or Be Dragged
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Unhappy how do i stay strong?

Hello-Im a newbie and tonite i've found the courage to post a thread. Sorry if this has already been addressed but its making me crazy. Here goes:
Its so easy to be strong when my ABF is being an a**. But during the aftermath when the flowers, gifts, Im Sorry's and It'll Never Happen Again's come, he is quite brilliant at appearing sincere. I find myself holding onto my anger in an attempt not to buy back in. I've learned long ago what a heavy burden anger is to carry around - its a horrible way to go thru life. Anyone have some words of wisdom on this? I've read about Detachment with Love. Is that even possible? I dont know that i even love him anymore. Why why why do i always feel obligated to give him yet another chance.
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Old 07-23-2012, 08:46 PM
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I am going through that . I just left my addicted boyfriend of 15 years. I am trying to stay strong, and it gets hard, so hard..... I am trying to remember I didn't give up, I Let Go.
I can't fix him, I know..............I've tried for 15 years!!! He is still the same person I met back in 1997.
I am just reading and telling little bits of my story on here - because I am focusing on my alcoholism side a lot more, I have 7 months of sobriety.

I am not "in love" with him, I love him in a different way now. I will pray for him to get better, but I can't put myself through that anymore, nor my kids through that anymore.
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Old 07-23-2012, 08:47 PM
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You have to be honest with yourself. Why do you allow him to treat you like this? My AH has mistreated me for 3 years on and off now, together for 6, and I've gone around in this circle so many times. My AH literally told me he'd always come back because he knew he could. You deserve better. I am not even saying he is a bad person, but you have to break the cycle or else it could continue for life! Do things you like to do, treat yourself...work on you. As great as his words sound, remember they always sound good, but now look at his actions. Take care and keep posting, it helps.
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Old 07-23-2012, 08:54 PM
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Hooks

Have you heard about *hooks* that keep us attached to our relationship partner. Some of the hooks are unhealthy habits.

There is a wonderful sticky post at the top of this forum page that addresses the hooks that keep us in boundary-less relationships. I am always finding wisdom in these words:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
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Old 07-23-2012, 09:09 PM
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Gah, mine left and came back more times than I could count and after 3 years of the tired game I finally had enough. Just ask yourself if this is what you want the rest of your life to be like. Mine was the same way, always found some way to sweet talk himself back into my life until the next a*hole episode.

Carrying around anger is not a healthy thing, but neither is being trapped in an unfulfilling relationship. Can you cut him loose for a while? tell him you need some space. ;-)
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Old 07-23-2012, 10:15 PM
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I realized that when the flowers came on the cusp of a screw up, and I always had flowers, something was wrong. Anger IS tough, and I would encourage you to seek out a HP if you haven't. God helped me to forgive, and it was such a burdened lifted. Now I struggle with "support" vs "enabling", but at least I was able to ask him to move out.
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Old 07-24-2012, 05:56 AM
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OH, WOW. I would always get hooked when my A's acted sweet (mine are family). I did not grow up with alcohol, so I did not understand the nature of the disease. I thought I was dealing with normal people when they weren't drunk. NOT. Unless they have some recovery under their belt---you are still dealing with the same monster disease. Recovery is more than the absence of alcohol---it is a new way of thinking and behaving.

Reading about the disease, co-dependency, and joining a twelve-step group can help you to think of the 'monster disease' in a new way yourself.

I have gotten so much better at dealing with the manipulation---plus, I also kicked them out of the house.

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Old 07-24-2012, 06:35 AM
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This issue cleared up for me when I learned to love myself more than I love them.

Your friend,
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Old 07-24-2012, 07:14 AM
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Great post Anvil. Looking back I can really see that cycle playing out over and over again.

Funny, but I never saw myself as being the target of domestic abuse, in my mind it always had to be physical.

Your friend,
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:10 AM
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Thank you, friends! Throwing out some negative thoughts and soaking up your positive ones. taking a deep breath, and moving forward...baby steps, baby steps....
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:32 AM
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Its so easy to be strong when my ABF is being an a**. But during the aftermath when the flowers, gifts, Im Sorry's and It'll Never Happen Again's come, he is quite brilliant at appearing sincere. I find myself holding onto my anger in an attempt not to buy back in. I've learned long ago what a heavy burden anger is to carry around - its a horrible way to go thru life. Anyone have some words of wisdom on this? I've read about Detachment with Love. Is that even possible? I dont know that i even love him anymore. Why why why do i always feel obligated to give him yet another chance.
I was going to say exactly what anvilhead said. It's extremely helpful to put this behavior into a pattern. The reason his sincerity is confusing and you're struggling to hold onto your resolve is because this cycle of abuse is *designed* to make you second-guess yourself. You're struggling in phases 3 & 4 to break the cycle once and for all.

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Old 07-24-2012, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
well if what WE are doing isn't working, it's time to do something ELSE.
the giving him yet ANOTHER chance thing isn't working...it's just playing into the DANCE...altho you do not mention abuse, this DANCE of being an azz and then the honeymoon period of gifts and flowers and artificial sincerity are part of the cycle of abuse and it's four phases:

1: Tension building phase

This phase occurs prior to an overtly abusive act, and is characterized by poor communication, passive aggression, rising interpersonal tension, and fear of causing outbursts in one's partner. During this stage the survivors may attempt to modify his or her behavior to avoid triggering their partner's outburst.
2: Acting-out phase

Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents. During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate his/her partner (survivor), with the use of domestic violence.
3: Reconciliation/Honeymoon phase

Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident. This phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, or at least pretends to. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse, stay in the relationship.[1][4]

Although it is easy to see the outbursts of the Acting-out Phase as abuse, even the more pleasant behaviours of the Honeymoon Phase perpetuates the abuse because the survivor then sees that the relationship isn't all bad.
4: Calm phase

During this phase (which is often considered an element of the honeymoon/reconciliation phase), the relationship is relatively calm and peaceable. However, interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to the tension building phase.


Anvilhead,

Thank you for posting this. I just printed it out and made some notes on it.

Everything fits except the acting out phase. Is acting "passive agressive" acting out???? Example: He will stop calling and texting (for like a day or two) then apologize profusely for "blowing me off" and/or "acting like an a$$". Me, thinking that he has "seen the light" invites him right back in. Then the cycle starts again.

I am exhausted of this. I keep getting anxiety attacks.
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:55 AM
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rdlesstraveled, I'd argue that passive-aggression is manipulative and can be considered emotionally abusive, especially in the wider context of addictive behaviors.
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:57 AM
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Is acting "passive agressive" acting out????
Yes, that and the silence treatment. Both are forms of psychological abuse. And from experience I can tell you they are both very effective.

Your friend,
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:59 AM
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yeah, I am not doing well right now because of this..... I will be OK, but the pain is almost unbearable right now.

It is twisted because when he finally does make contact, he goes above and beyond (blaming his recovery) to make amends. Now I remember why I had to go to counseling years ago to break up with him. I guess time (and recovery) hasn't really changed anything at all...........
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Old 07-24-2012, 09:07 AM
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To paraphrase Anvilhead, if you squeeze the alcohol out of a selfish twit you are still left with a selfish twit.

Your friend,
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Old 07-24-2012, 09:25 AM
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Sobroken,

Baby steps are fine. Go at your own pace. One day, enough will just be enough. I have been going through the cycle for years, except my XA always just made me feel like i was the crazy one and he did nothing wrong ever. You know, he 'just liked to drink beer'. Nothing wrong with that, every single stinking day, right?

I was mentally abused daily. The honeymoon phase was often very short lived, and I had his outside enablers helping him with that. Telling me what a wonderful guy I had in my home, what a great father he was, and that we needed to do the right thing and keep our 'happy, little family' together. Uh-huh right. For me, I just snapped on Thursday when he choked the air out of my lungs. Self preservation kicked in and the wheels started in motion. Knowing in my head, that I was going to get out, that I deserved more than this, by detaching (and I can't say it was exactly detaching with love) from him more and more, and just looking at his ACTIONS propelled me to freedom.

This process took me nearly 18 months. I kept setting move-out dates and pushing them forward. For me, all the little incidents added up, until the big one hit where he literally did something that could have killed me. And my son saw it. My son said, "Daddy choke mommy. Daddy drunk," days after the incident occurred without any provocation.

Best advice I could give, is to get out your raw emotions. Visit this forum and Al-Anon if you can. I need to start going to Al-Anon myself, went once, but I was bawling the whole time and it made me feel sick. I think I could be better served by the program now that I am away from the A monster. And remember, you get to do this at your own pace, as the realization dawns that you deserve better. Because, you do deserved better than to be in a one-way relationship with someone who cares more about the bottle than you.
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Old 07-24-2012, 07:27 PM
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thanks Anvilhead n Florence for the cycle/pattern info. it is dead on. a flippin emotional merry-go-round. aint enuff dramamine in the world. i want off!
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Old 07-24-2012, 07:58 PM
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thank you for the cycle graphic.... WOW, i have never 100% looked at it this way. It totally is abuse!
When we still lived together (i was a stay at home mom) i would go out in the afternoons to do something with my LO. Everytime i drove down our (loong windy) drive way i would almost not be able to breathe and my heart would pound. If he was supposed to be home at that time and his car was not there i was scared that he left us. If his car was there i was scared that he would be upset that i was not at home.... I have not thought of this in quite some time.

My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered "real" abuse! I could not imagine.... Thank you for being strong examples for all of us.
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:40 PM
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As a wife who also unfortunately has done this to her husband, I can tell you that in that moment they are sincere, which is why it's easy to believe. Alcoholics do not want to be addicted to alcohol. But progress talks. It's unfair to you to continue to go through this feeling alone. My husband has been supportive of the fact that I'm an alcoholic for the past seven years. He has not liked it nor made this not a moment of discussion no matter how frustated I may get with it with the conversation. His love has changed me to want to work harder to not have this be a constant problem. I would rather spend time making him happy than taking another sip of alcohol, but this revolution in thinking has taken several years. Alcoholism is not easy and loving an alcoholic is not easy. If your perspective is that it's truly bringing you down, then you have a tough decision that only you can make. But, if you truly want to help and love this person, it will take sacrifice on your part, which I'm sure that you've already been doing. Nobody can give you the "right" advice as it is up to you on what you are willing to have in your life. God Bless you and I hope that you are able to find peace with whatever decision you make.
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