RA and a codie.... a match made in h3LL
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
RA and a codie.... a match made in h3LL
I have posted before and a few days have passed, so I thought that I would give you an update.
I recently spent several nights (last Saturday - yesterday) at my recovering boyfriend's house and I can see that this is not going to be an easy road.
I am (internally) fighting myself and him at the same time and I feel like I am slowly going mad. I have had a tension headache for the past 2 days now (and this morning I woke up to one).
A few things.....
push/pull (I feel like he is obsessed with me one minute, and can't stand me the next). He was adament that he wanted me to stay with him for several days, then yesterday he is like..... "you are leaving today, right?" When I got back to my house I called him to let him know that I arrived safely (it went to voicemail) Unknown to me, my cellphone was acting up yesterday, so apparently he tried calling me back several times and all calls went straight to voicemail (not showing that I had even missed a call).
Fast forward to this morning......This morning I get a call on my work phone from him, he was freaking out because he couldn't get in touch with me yesterday. I did a little research and found out that my phone needed to be reset. I sent him an email saying that I was sorry that HE felt like I was avoiding him.
Now..... nothing from him....... I sent an email and a text and left a message on his cell. So I guess I am being punished for yesterday (for something I didn't even know about nor was my fault!!!!!!!!)
I also have no idea if he is lying or not????? He has told me things that he has done and it blows my mind.... he was incredibly sneaky. I feel like I have to trust him because we have agreed to start over/ clean slate, yet part of me is in denial. I will not look for things, but it is killing me.
This is incredibly difficult because I do not know if we can possibly work through this. He is an addict (alcohol) and I am an addict (love). We have good intentions (to help each other) but how can we possibly do this if neither of us knows what we are doing???? (we are also both adult children of alcoholics)
I am taking medication for depression and ADD, he is taking medication for depression, I have been in therapy for several years and he is starting to see a therapist this week. He goes to outpatient rehab (clean 51 days today) and I go to ACOA/Al ANon. What more can be done????? We are both like 15 year olds. Nothing makes sense, yet it all does with this sick, sick disease.
I recently spent several nights (last Saturday - yesterday) at my recovering boyfriend's house and I can see that this is not going to be an easy road.
I am (internally) fighting myself and him at the same time and I feel like I am slowly going mad. I have had a tension headache for the past 2 days now (and this morning I woke up to one).
A few things.....
push/pull (I feel like he is obsessed with me one minute, and can't stand me the next). He was adament that he wanted me to stay with him for several days, then yesterday he is like..... "you are leaving today, right?" When I got back to my house I called him to let him know that I arrived safely (it went to voicemail) Unknown to me, my cellphone was acting up yesterday, so apparently he tried calling me back several times and all calls went straight to voicemail (not showing that I had even missed a call).
Fast forward to this morning......This morning I get a call on my work phone from him, he was freaking out because he couldn't get in touch with me yesterday. I did a little research and found out that my phone needed to be reset. I sent him an email saying that I was sorry that HE felt like I was avoiding him.
Now..... nothing from him....... I sent an email and a text and left a message on his cell. So I guess I am being punished for yesterday (for something I didn't even know about nor was my fault!!!!!!!!)
I also have no idea if he is lying or not????? He has told me things that he has done and it blows my mind.... he was incredibly sneaky. I feel like I have to trust him because we have agreed to start over/ clean slate, yet part of me is in denial. I will not look for things, but it is killing me.
This is incredibly difficult because I do not know if we can possibly work through this. He is an addict (alcohol) and I am an addict (love). We have good intentions (to help each other) but how can we possibly do this if neither of us knows what we are doing???? (we are also both adult children of alcoholics)
I am taking medication for depression and ADD, he is taking medication for depression, I have been in therapy for several years and he is starting to see a therapist this week. He goes to outpatient rehab (clean 51 days today) and I go to ACOA/Al ANon. What more can be done????? We are both like 15 year olds. Nothing makes sense, yet it all does with this sick, sick disease.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It sounds like you are off to a bad start-over.
If I had the answers to how to make that situation work for myself, I would give them to you. But I don't have the answers because I don't think that situation works. All I know is to focus on yourself and your recovery, and managing your ADD, your depression, and your life as best as possible. It's hard, I know, managing those things with someone who creates problems, reacts badly to them, and cannot keep it together themselves.
I learned long ago that when trying to save a drowning person, you often get pulled under water yourself. It's best not to let a drowning person drown you too. Because then, you're BOTH in trouble.
If I had the answers to how to make that situation work for myself, I would give them to you. But I don't have the answers because I don't think that situation works. All I know is to focus on yourself and your recovery, and managing your ADD, your depression, and your life as best as possible. It's hard, I know, managing those things with someone who creates problems, reacts badly to them, and cannot keep it together themselves.
I learned long ago that when trying to save a drowning person, you often get pulled under water yourself. It's best not to let a drowning person drown you too. Because then, you're BOTH in trouble.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
Thank you for your response. I will not make any rash decisions about the relationship now....... but I will heed your suggestion and take care of myself.
You are right..... it is akin to drowning.
You are right..... it is akin to drowning.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
The problem is that I cannot trust my own brain....... so I have no idea if I am overreacting or am getting upset because I should be. I am walking on eggshells with myself and with him. *sigh* alcoholism bites the big one.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
If I may turn the focus back onto you--
What qualifies you as a love addict?
Not sex, right? That's out of this forum's scope.
Approval? Then there are ways to learn to understand why you need approval outside of yourself.
Attention? Ditto.
Neediness? Ditto.
and other various qualifications.
Does love addiction really exist? If you are saying you are addicted to him, then I understand.
But love is a positive good thing that does not include manipulation, intimidation, neediness, using people, etc.
So, love, in its purest form...is no addiction, but a healthy thing.
So I am trying to understand your statement of being a "love addict".
If it is other behaviors such as neediness, etc., then those can be addressed with an understanding of their nature. "love addiction" is some blurry misnomer than can't be understood.
It does sound like he is punishing you...but, before we jump to conclusions...maybe he too is busy, away from computer or phone, etc....wait for his response before you decide?
It always helps me to remember that nothing is an emergency besides stopping young children from running out in front of cars, and the like. Everything else can wait.
What qualifies you as a love addict?
Not sex, right? That's out of this forum's scope.
Approval? Then there are ways to learn to understand why you need approval outside of yourself.
Attention? Ditto.
Neediness? Ditto.
and other various qualifications.
Does love addiction really exist? If you are saying you are addicted to him, then I understand.
But love is a positive good thing that does not include manipulation, intimidation, neediness, using people, etc.
So, love, in its purest form...is no addiction, but a healthy thing.
So I am trying to understand your statement of being a "love addict".
If it is other behaviors such as neediness, etc., then those can be addressed with an understanding of their nature. "love addiction" is some blurry misnomer than can't be understood.
It does sound like he is punishing you...but, before we jump to conclusions...maybe he too is busy, away from computer or phone, etc....wait for his response before you decide?
It always helps me to remember that nothing is an emergency besides stopping young children from running out in front of cars, and the like. Everything else can wait.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by rdlesstraveled 
The problem is that I cannot trust my own brain....... so I have no idea if I am overreacting or am getting upset because I should be. I am walking on eggshells with myself and with him. *sigh* alcoholism bites the big one.
Take a big step back. If not being together gives you anxiety, don't make that decision right now. Just take a step back, get your focus on you and doing what you need to do to have peace in your life. Don't answer the phone, don't answer the text messages, don't read his emails. If he is going to flip out over it, that is on HIM, not you. Give him a heads-up if you want to. Tell him, "I need to focus on my life right now so I'm going to be out of touch for a couple of days. Or just limit it to emails for now. Regain your energy and your strength.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
MadeofGlass,
Hmmm, maybe I mispoke...... errrrr mistyped
no, not sex addiction, more like addiction to his "type" So I guess I am addicted to alcoholics. I hate them, but love them. I have dated this particular man off and on, off and on since 1999. Now that he is in rehab I have sorta panicked because he used to be so obsessed with me..... now I am unsure of what he wants, who he is, etc. Because he was so attached before, i was in control of the situation..... for my fear of abandonment was nulled, but now I am not. This is sick and twisted and completely selfish. It is hard though to sort of put myself on the backburner to help him. But this does not sound like love now does it........
Hmmm, maybe I mispoke...... errrrr mistyped
no, not sex addiction, more like addiction to his "type" So I guess I am addicted to alcoholics. I hate them, but love them. I have dated this particular man off and on, off and on since 1999. Now that he is in rehab I have sorta panicked because he used to be so obsessed with me..... now I am unsure of what he wants, who he is, etc. Because he was so attached before, i was in control of the situation..... for my fear of abandonment was nulled, but now I am not. This is sick and twisted and completely selfish. It is hard though to sort of put myself on the backburner to help him. But this does not sound like love now does it........
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by rdlesstraveled
MadeofGlass,
Hmmm, maybe I mispoke...... errrrr mistyped no, not sex addiction, more like addiction to his "type" So I guess I am addicted to alcoholics. I hate them, but love them. I have dated this particular man off and on, off and on since 1999. Now that he is in rehab I have sorta panicked because he used to be so obsessed with me..... now I am unsure of what he wants, who he is, etc. Because he was so attached before, i was in control of the situation..... for my fear of abandonment was nulled, but now I am not. This is sick and twisted and completely selfish. It is hard though to sort of put myself on the backburner to help him. But this does not sound like love now does it........
Hmmm, maybe I mispoke...... errrrr mistyped
no, not sex addiction, more like addiction to his "type" So I guess I am addicted to alcoholics. I hate them, but love them. I have dated this particular man off and on, off and on since 1999. Now that he is in rehab I have sorta panicked because he used to be so obsessed with me..... now I am unsure of what he wants, who he is, etc. Because he was so attached before, i was in control of the situation..... for my fear of abandonment was nulled, but now I am not. This is sick and twisted and completely selfish. It is hard though to sort of put myself on the backburner to help him. But this does not sound like love now does it........PS You can't really be addicted to a person. You can change your thinking about this, OK?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by rdlesstraveled
MadeofGlass,
Hmmm, maybe I mispoke...... errrrr mistyped no, not sex addiction, more like addiction to his "type" So I guess I am addicted to alcoholics. I hate them, but love them. I have dated this particular man off and on, off and on since 1999. Now that he is in rehab I have sorta panicked because he used to be so obsessed with me..... now I am unsure of what he wants, who he is, etc. Because he was so attached before, i was in control of the situation..... for my fear of abandonment was nulled, but now I am not. This is sick and twisted and completely selfish. It is hard though to sort of put myself on the backburner to help him. But this does not sound like love now does it........
Hmmm, maybe I mispoke...... errrrr mistyped
no, not sex addiction, more like addiction to his "type" So I guess I am addicted to alcoholics. I hate them, but love them. I have dated this particular man off and on, off and on since 1999. Now that he is in rehab I have sorta panicked because he used to be so obsessed with me..... now I am unsure of what he wants, who he is, etc. Because he was so attached before, i was in control of the situation..... for my fear of abandonment was nulled, but now I am not. This is sick and twisted and completely selfish. It is hard though to sort of put myself on the backburner to help him. But this does not sound like love now does it........I understand that, feeling addicted to him...but I agree with LTL that we can't really be addicted to people...we can be head over heels for them though, and we sure can get caught up in the drama and contribute to that heavily, I sure did.
Rehab is when many addicts decide to end their relationships. Usually this news isn't coveyed until they get out. Just a fact, certainly not wanting to alarm you at all...but they do have to rethink their lives to figure out how to move forward without relapsing and what is best for themselves.
Don't put yourself on the back burner...time stops for no one. Continue living while he is in rehab--see all those girlfriends he isn't crazy about, watch those movies he doesn't like...etc., etc.!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
Just a quick suggestion about trusting yourself/knowing if you're overreacting. One thing I would try (well, I have tried it) is to imagine if it was your best girl friend telling you about the same treatment from her significant other. You would probably be appalled. When I do this, I will be honest that I find myself making excuses for my boyfriend. However, it does at least help me to see that the things I'm upset about are pretty realistic. Hope that helps! 
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