first post--dating an alcoholic in recovery
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 3
first post--dating an alcoholic in recovery
hi everyone, just want to say that i am grateful that this forum is here.
i grew up with an alcoholic & bipolar-diagnosed father who quit drinking when i was 6. he remained sober as far as i am aware until i was about 12 or so, and then he returned to drinking in secret. although i was 12, i was quick and intuitive and all of those things that the eldest children of alcoholics often are. at about the same time he began drinking again, my mom started working a night shift (3-11). his shift was 7-3. it was also no secret to me that my parents had an unhappy marriage and that my mom switched her shift so that she could be away from him. my father often tried to make me feel guilty, saying that he didn't know if i loved him, and to tell you the truth i wasn't sure at the time, because of how much grief and angst he caused me.
anyway, i could go on and on about all of the things that happened and such, but what brought me to this forum is that i have just discovered that i am in the early stages of pursuing a relationship with an alcoholic in recovery. i have known this guy for years but he's only recently come back into my life after i lived out of town for many years. he is up front about his recovery and also up front about his feelings for me
the biggest effect of my father's alcoholism (and bipolar) for me has been my overriding fear of getting into a relationship. i am comfortable with keeping men--any men, alcoholics or otherwise--at arms length and always have done so. it terrifies me to think about being in a relationship with an alcoholic, even one in recovery...this is the third alcoholic that i have been attracted to in only a few short years...they seem to find me, or i find them! the first two were active drinkers who weren't even thinking of quitting. i wasn't with them very long (only a few short months) before i ended things. yet i have had the most intense feelings for these alcoholics out of any of my relationships. as far as the man who is pursuing me right now, he is in early recovery and i know from reading about AA and such that you are "not supposed" to enter into a relationship in the first year of sobriety. if i were to pursue this i'd take it slow, but i wonder if it wouldn't be better to try to cast the possibility out of my head. i am pretty much a textbook co dependent & i am in counseling to try to address this. i think i stop in my tracks thinking that just because someone is an alcoholic in recovery does not mean that the person is incapable of forming and sustaining a good relationship...yet i've also seen the other side, when relapse happens and the marriage turns to complete and utter sh*t and it terrifies me thinking that this could happen to me.
i am not really a person to share everything about myself with perfect strangers, haha, but even just writing this post and sharing it is therapeutic. i thank you if you have read it and i'm open to any thoughts or suggestions that you have.
i grew up with an alcoholic & bipolar-diagnosed father who quit drinking when i was 6. he remained sober as far as i am aware until i was about 12 or so, and then he returned to drinking in secret. although i was 12, i was quick and intuitive and all of those things that the eldest children of alcoholics often are. at about the same time he began drinking again, my mom started working a night shift (3-11). his shift was 7-3. it was also no secret to me that my parents had an unhappy marriage and that my mom switched her shift so that she could be away from him. my father often tried to make me feel guilty, saying that he didn't know if i loved him, and to tell you the truth i wasn't sure at the time, because of how much grief and angst he caused me.
anyway, i could go on and on about all of the things that happened and such, but what brought me to this forum is that i have just discovered that i am in the early stages of pursuing a relationship with an alcoholic in recovery. i have known this guy for years but he's only recently come back into my life after i lived out of town for many years. he is up front about his recovery and also up front about his feelings for me
the biggest effect of my father's alcoholism (and bipolar) for me has been my overriding fear of getting into a relationship. i am comfortable with keeping men--any men, alcoholics or otherwise--at arms length and always have done so. it terrifies me to think about being in a relationship with an alcoholic, even one in recovery...this is the third alcoholic that i have been attracted to in only a few short years...they seem to find me, or i find them! the first two were active drinkers who weren't even thinking of quitting. i wasn't with them very long (only a few short months) before i ended things. yet i have had the most intense feelings for these alcoholics out of any of my relationships. as far as the man who is pursuing me right now, he is in early recovery and i know from reading about AA and such that you are "not supposed" to enter into a relationship in the first year of sobriety. if i were to pursue this i'd take it slow, but i wonder if it wouldn't be better to try to cast the possibility out of my head. i am pretty much a textbook co dependent & i am in counseling to try to address this. i think i stop in my tracks thinking that just because someone is an alcoholic in recovery does not mean that the person is incapable of forming and sustaining a good relationship...yet i've also seen the other side, when relapse happens and the marriage turns to complete and utter sh*t and it terrifies me thinking that this could happen to me.i am not really a person to share everything about myself with perfect strangers, haha, but even just writing this post and sharing it is therapeutic. i thank you if you have read it and i'm open to any thoughts or suggestions that you have.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I think part of the reason that AA recommends that alcoholics don't pursue relationships that first year is that they have a lot of work to do to figure out what led them to drink in the first place, and what stinkin' thinkin' patterns they have that need to change to remain sober.
I believe they truly come out a different person on the other side, and I dare say a year is probably even too soon but those who write the program know darn well that people won't wait even that long, and don't want to alienate newcomers. I also think the high of "being in love" can unground people, addicts or not.
So "not drinking" is really the first step...the hard work is all about what they think of themselves, past relationships, baggage, etc., etc., etc.
I would be leery because this person is like a newborn--it's just too difficult to say what kind of personality he is going to form, that is, should he even stay sober.
I would avoid the likely drama of someone who doesn't have many years of sobriety under their belt...and avoid likewise the pain.
If you pursue a relationship with this guy just remember--love isn't supposed to be painful.
I believe they truly come out a different person on the other side, and I dare say a year is probably even too soon but those who write the program know darn well that people won't wait even that long, and don't want to alienate newcomers. I also think the high of "being in love" can unground people, addicts or not.
So "not drinking" is really the first step...the hard work is all about what they think of themselves, past relationships, baggage, etc., etc., etc.
I would be leery because this person is like a newborn--it's just too difficult to say what kind of personality he is going to form, that is, should he even stay sober.
I would avoid the likely drama of someone who doesn't have many years of sobriety under their belt...and avoid likewise the pain.
If you pursue a relationship with this guy just remember--love isn't supposed to be painful.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
Salsarita,
I am in the same predicament. My RBF has been clean for 51 days today. For me, this has not been easy. At first I was sooooo cool. Thought I could be chill with him and not get too attached. WRONG. I am a codependent and an adult child of a alcoholic as well. Like another poster told me......this will toss you back into the past and rip open old wounds. It has.
Right now I am really messed up mentally because I have no idea what to do. I am lost in this disease. I have done a lot of reading and have gone to Al Anon and ACOA and AA (with him). I can honestly say that when I went to all of these meetings I was in tears. I have zero control. He has zero control. This rehab period is like walking on a tightrope. I am afraid to even sneeze for fear that he or I will go tumbling down.
The push/pull is HORRIBLE. He gets clingy, I feel comfortable that he needs/loves me, then he pulls away. When he pulls away (which I've heard is natural in rehab) I get scared, cling, feel guilty, then try to back away (because I recognize my clingy behavior will push him away) and we both sit there with question marks, both having no idea what to do to fix this.
So, we will either make it through this storm together or apart. If together, I hope that we come through the other end healthier and that our bond is stronger. If we don't make it together, I hope that we both heal on our own.
My advice (which is advice I have gotten here from these awesome people on this forum) is to go to Al Anon, ACOA, read, read, read and post, post, post. And take care of you. If you aren't there for you, you can't be there for someone else.
I am in the same predicament. My RBF has been clean for 51 days today. For me, this has not been easy. At first I was sooooo cool. Thought I could be chill with him and not get too attached. WRONG. I am a codependent and an adult child of a alcoholic as well. Like another poster told me......this will toss you back into the past and rip open old wounds. It has.
Right now I am really messed up mentally because I have no idea what to do. I am lost in this disease. I have done a lot of reading and have gone to Al Anon and ACOA and AA (with him). I can honestly say that when I went to all of these meetings I was in tears. I have zero control. He has zero control. This rehab period is like walking on a tightrope. I am afraid to even sneeze for fear that he or I will go tumbling down.
The push/pull is HORRIBLE. He gets clingy, I feel comfortable that he needs/loves me, then he pulls away. When he pulls away (which I've heard is natural in rehab) I get scared, cling, feel guilty, then try to back away (because I recognize my clingy behavior will push him away) and we both sit there with question marks, both having no idea what to do to fix this.
So, we will either make it through this storm together or apart. If together, I hope that we come through the other end healthier and that our bond is stronger. If we don't make it together, I hope that we both heal on our own.
My advice (which is advice I have gotten here from these awesome people on this forum) is to go to Al Anon, ACOA, read, read, read and post, post, post. And take care of you. If you aren't there for you, you can't be there for someone else.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
".....my father tried to make me feel guilty, saying he didn't know if I loved him."
You are not ready for a serious relationship, salsarita, apart from whether or not an alcoholic, still functioning with an alcoholic mind, who is pursuing you in order to distract him from his recovery work, is ready.
Counseling is where you belong, and staying there and remaining free of any involvements with any men for at least a year. The absence of boundaries in your family of origin (agreeing with anvil above) has wounded you, and when we are wounded, we make very confused decisions and are also easily manipulated and deceived. It isn't your fault you are wounded and it in no way diminishes your value as a lovely human being.
But the confusions that were set in your mind when you were just a child are still there. When you spend some significant time in counseling unraveling the ways your father invaded your boundaries and your mother abandoned you as he did so, then you will be conscious and aware and you will not be gullible and at risk of profound pain brought on by trusting an unhealthy man.
You deserve love and intimacy, and your parents' own damage and their unwillingness to address that should not determine whether or not you know the joy of an equal and honest relationship in your life. I agree with the above posters that you should not engage in a relationship with this person and that you should first take responsibility to heal from your childhood. You deserve that healing. It will not be possible if you fog up counseling with a dysfunctional relationship. And there is, unfortunately, no hope of a healthy one right now. Later. But not right now.
It is very difficult to say goodbye to someone when the goodbye feels permanent. To suspend becoming seriously involved with this man does not have to mean a permanent goodbye. Codependents do not do well when they can't have who they want when they want him. (Just as addicts want the drug when they want it).
But suspending a serious romance holds the promise of hope. Jumping in today does not.
You are not ready for a serious relationship, salsarita, apart from whether or not an alcoholic, still functioning with an alcoholic mind, who is pursuing you in order to distract him from his recovery work, is ready.
Counseling is where you belong, and staying there and remaining free of any involvements with any men for at least a year. The absence of boundaries in your family of origin (agreeing with anvil above) has wounded you, and when we are wounded, we make very confused decisions and are also easily manipulated and deceived. It isn't your fault you are wounded and it in no way diminishes your value as a lovely human being.
But the confusions that were set in your mind when you were just a child are still there. When you spend some significant time in counseling unraveling the ways your father invaded your boundaries and your mother abandoned you as he did so, then you will be conscious and aware and you will not be gullible and at risk of profound pain brought on by trusting an unhealthy man.
You deserve love and intimacy, and your parents' own damage and their unwillingness to address that should not determine whether or not you know the joy of an equal and honest relationship in your life. I agree with the above posters that you should not engage in a relationship with this person and that you should first take responsibility to heal from your childhood. You deserve that healing. It will not be possible if you fog up counseling with a dysfunctional relationship. And there is, unfortunately, no hope of a healthy one right now. Later. But not right now.
It is very difficult to say goodbye to someone when the goodbye feels permanent. To suspend becoming seriously involved with this man does not have to mean a permanent goodbye. Codependents do not do well when they can't have who they want when they want him. (Just as addicts want the drug when they want it).
But suspending a serious romance holds the promise of hope. Jumping in today does not.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 3
thanks, everyone, for your helpful replies. it truly does help to hear from people who have "been there." i will proceed with caution and i look forward to checking out this board. i'm glad i found it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"i have just discovered that i am in the early stages of pursuing a relationship with an alcoholic."
it is way too soon for this guy to be in any type of relationship.
I would step back let him work his recovery.
Personally, I would never be with an active alkie or recovered, there is no guarantee that he can or will remain sober. And my life is far too precious to ever take that type of gamble again.
run for the hills, save yourself!
it is way too soon for this guy to be in any type of relationship.
I would step back let him work his recovery.
Personally, I would never be with an active alkie or recovered, there is no guarantee that he can or will remain sober. And my life is far too precious to ever take that type of gamble again.
run for the hills, save yourself!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
there are 3 reasons we alcoholics are suggested to not get into a relationship in the 1st year:
we dont have relationships. we take hostages.
we dont know crap about ourselves or how to live and gotta work on it.
we are only gonna attract someone as sick as ourselves( this may be you,too)
i am seein a few things here and i may be wrong. you say you are a co dependant. yu have been in relationships with alcoholics already. now you want to do it again????? i hope you can think this through and even bring it up with yer counselor and find out why yer thinkin about gettin into another relationship with another alcoholic.
now, not sayin we who have been in recovery ( male or female) for a while cant make good relationships. in fact, i know many people in recovery who are in happy, healthy relationships, some with others in recovery and some with non alcoholics. but we have to learn about ourselves, how to live and how to have friends without taking hostages 1st.
we dont have relationships. we take hostages.
we dont know crap about ourselves or how to live and gotta work on it.
we are only gonna attract someone as sick as ourselves( this may be you,too)
i am seein a few things here and i may be wrong. you say you are a co dependant. yu have been in relationships with alcoholics already. now you want to do it again????? i hope you can think this through and even bring it up with yer counselor and find out why yer thinkin about gettin into another relationship with another alcoholic.
now, not sayin we who have been in recovery ( male or female) for a while cant make good relationships. in fact, i know many people in recovery who are in happy, healthy relationships, some with others in recovery and some with non alcoholics. but we have to learn about ourselves, how to live and how to have friends without taking hostages 1st.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
A relationship with an alcoholic, dry, in recovery, or not, is just not worth it.
It is better to take all the time, resources, money, attention, and energy you are going to put towards him and the relationship and use it on your SELF.
It is better to take all the time, resources, money, attention, and energy you are going to put towards him and the relationship and use it on your SELF.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by salsarita 
i think i stop in my tracks thinking that just because someone is an alcoholic in recovery does not mean that the person is incapable of forming and sustaining a good relationship...
Rationalizing a lousy decision.
i'm open to any thoughts or suggestions that you have.
Originally Posted by salsarita
i will proceed with caution ...
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