It's all my fault
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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It's all my fault
So, got a restraining and move out order along with full custody of our 2 year old served on XABF on Sunday (yesterday). He was pretty shocked and so was his enabling brother and mother. They went into hyper drive trying to fix his mess. From the sounds of it, all XABF has done is blame me for the mess he caused himself by choking me. Now, to top it off, he got fired from his job. We did work together and I got him the job and everybody here really likes me a lot. They gave him the job because of me. I have been here nearly 5 years and he has been here 1 year. He has been late a lot, walks around with a holier than thou attitude, has accused me and this other guy relentlessly (this other guy is married and a 25 yr employee) about having an affair, has been sent home for being uncooperative, and then after the choking incident wasn't able to perform a job which cost the boss thousands of dollars for the day, and YET, it is MY FAULT that I ruined his life over the course of three days.
I am getting over the feeling of guilt and am now cycling through feeling sorry for him. He has been causing this turmoil in his life for going on 15 plus years due to drug and alcohol addiction, was addicted long long before I met him and has hurt everyone in his family long, long before I met him and yet I AM the problem. How can his family blame me for sticking around so long, and for wanting to get my 2 year old out of this environment? I had a sit down talk with enabling mother, brother and XABF probably 6 weeks ago and told them all I was at the end of my rope. XABF sat there without even seeming to hear what I was saying, while enabling mother and brother kind of validated my experience only to protect 'his feelings' in the whole situation.
Am I sad, YES. Am I remorseful, NO. His mother always threatened me with my child and so after the choking incident self preservation of me and my baby FINALLY kicked in. I am just still feeling so sad that his choices have led to such a life altering change of events in the short course of a few stupid, drunken hours of his Thursday night. I am sad that he can't even see that him being addicted to alcohol has caused his life to spiral. I am sad that my baby has a daddy who is an addict, whom my baby loves, but whom my baby knows choked mommy and is a drunk. I am sad that XABF can't see the hurt he has caused everyone in his life and that things could be so different if he woke up out of his haze.
I know i didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it, but dang it is still one painful life experience. I am glad its finally done. It's over. There is no more me and him. But, I still hope, that one day he will wake up and make the right choices for our son.
I am getting over the feeling of guilt and am now cycling through feeling sorry for him. He has been causing this turmoil in his life for going on 15 plus years due to drug and alcohol addiction, was addicted long long before I met him and has hurt everyone in his family long, long before I met him and yet I AM the problem. How can his family blame me for sticking around so long, and for wanting to get my 2 year old out of this environment? I had a sit down talk with enabling mother, brother and XABF probably 6 weeks ago and told them all I was at the end of my rope. XABF sat there without even seeming to hear what I was saying, while enabling mother and brother kind of validated my experience only to protect 'his feelings' in the whole situation.
Am I sad, YES. Am I remorseful, NO. His mother always threatened me with my child and so after the choking incident self preservation of me and my baby FINALLY kicked in. I am just still feeling so sad that his choices have led to such a life altering change of events in the short course of a few stupid, drunken hours of his Thursday night. I am sad that he can't even see that him being addicted to alcohol has caused his life to spiral. I am sad that my baby has a daddy who is an addict, whom my baby loves, but whom my baby knows choked mommy and is a drunk. I am sad that XABF can't see the hurt he has caused everyone in his life and that things could be so different if he woke up out of his haze.
I know i didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it, but dang it is still one painful life experience. I am glad its finally done. It's over. There is no more me and him. But, I still hope, that one day he will wake up and make the right choices for our son.
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Stay strong!!!!
NO it definitely is not your fault.
Whether you want a child support 'lien' hanging over him or not, it is probably time to go to court for FULL CUSTODY of your child based on his actions. Restraining order is great! Full Custody is also great. And if, by some obscure chance he should ask for visitation, you can request SUPERVISED VISITATION BY A NON FAMILY MEMBER, which would mean he would have to pay for a Social Worker or Like experienced in these types of visitation.
Just some more CYA for you to think about.
I am sending healing thoughts and prayers for you. Remember we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
NO it definitely is not your fault.
Whether you want a child support 'lien' hanging over him or not, it is probably time to go to court for FULL CUSTODY of your child based on his actions. Restraining order is great! Full Custody is also great. And if, by some obscure chance he should ask for visitation, you can request SUPERVISED VISITATION BY A NON FAMILY MEMBER, which would mean he would have to pay for a Social Worker or Like experienced in these types of visitation.
Just some more CYA for you to think about.
I am sending healing thoughts and prayers for you. Remember we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
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Originally Posted by chronsweet 
His mother always threatened me with my child and so after the choking incident self preservation of me and my baby FINALLY kicked in.
((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))
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Oh, chronsweet 
I'm sorry you have been on the receiving end of such bilge. You absolutely, positively, definitely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, are not responsible for the problems he is facing.
I hope for your own peace of mind that you will consider blocking all communication from any of his family members.
IMHO, you did a good thing by taking these measures to protect yourself and your child!
I'm sorry you have been on the receiving end of such bilge. You absolutely, positively, definitely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, are not responsible for the problems he is facing.I hope for your own peace of mind that you will consider blocking all communication from any of his family members.
IMHO, you did a good thing by taking these measures to protect yourself and your child!
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Yeah, his mom is a bit nuts. She abandoned XABF when he was 18 months old and its like now she wants my baby. I feel uneasy about her with him almost all the time. I know she loves him but its just a mother's intuition I think. If she could take him and run off with him, I seriously think she would. Trust me, I am not a perfect human being, but I am the best mother that I can be especially with the father that my son has.
I just always thought I could fix XABF's pain, his hurt, but he doesn't want to be fixed. His fix is getting so messed up in the head that nothing else matters. I do not want to live like that anymore and won't. Living with an addict/alcoholic is the MOST painful experience of my life, hands down.
I just always thought I could fix XABF's pain, his hurt, but he doesn't want to be fixed. His fix is getting so messed up in the head that nothing else matters. I do not want to live like that anymore and won't. Living with an addict/alcoholic is the MOST painful experience of my life, hands down.
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anvil -i have stopped talking to them. I will go for full custody and supervised visitation until he can get sober for a year. I can't make the judge order this, but it is what I am going for. My son loves his daddy so much and that is the most painful part for me. I never wanted for any of this to happen, but I am sure nobody here in this forum has wanted the destruction that this disease brings with it. I can hope and wish and pray from him from afar, and not let him destroy my sanity and peace of mind any longer. I pray for his recovery. I pray for his sobriety. I wish him well and always have, but at the moment, I have to protect my own son and myself. No more questions asked or pointless words spoken.
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lilamy
unfortunately i don't have the money to hire a good lawyer. i am going to make an appointment with the advocate in my area who is a lawyer and who said they could help me fill out the paperwork. i don't think he will have money for a lawyer either. his mom MAY have helped him out before with one, but now without a job, she will be too concerned with getting him a place, paying his rent and getting him out of his brother's house who doesn't want him there.
i feel terrible he lost his job. i never expected that, maybe i did a tiny bit, but i was hoping that it would work out for him. in the end, perhaps it is my HP that is now looking out for me.
unfortunately i don't have the money to hire a good lawyer. i am going to make an appointment with the advocate in my area who is a lawyer and who said they could help me fill out the paperwork. i don't think he will have money for a lawyer either. his mom MAY have helped him out before with one, but now without a job, she will be too concerned with getting him a place, paying his rent and getting him out of his brother's house who doesn't want him there.
i feel terrible he lost his job. i never expected that, maybe i did a tiny bit, but i was hoping that it would work out for him. in the end, perhaps it is my HP that is now looking out for me.
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anvil,
Yes, I guess I did feel bad because he lost his job. I feel guilty about the situation because maybe I think that perhaps things would have gotten better for us.
Do I KNOW this isn't true, YES, and that things would have only gotten worse, YES. But alas, I am broken from this man. It is going to take a while for me to put myself back together and at least I recognize it.
The important part, is that I am free from him and I know that there is no looking back anymore. That part of my life is history, and the only part of my life that is important is my boy.
Yes, I guess I did feel bad because he lost his job. I feel guilty about the situation because maybe I think that perhaps things would have gotten better for us.
Do I KNOW this isn't true, YES, and that things would have only gotten worse, YES. But alas, I am broken from this man. It is going to take a while for me to put myself back together and at least I recognize it.
The important part, is that I am free from him and I know that there is no looking back anymore. That part of my life is history, and the only part of my life that is important is my boy.
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soooo. had a talk with a fellow employee just a moment ago, and starting to feel relieved XABF has no job. Apparently there was talk around the shop of him being at work drunk. Our company works around heavy equipment and accidents are very common and can be fatal. Apparently he acted drunk on the jobsite several times, but I think people didn't say anything because of me. They excused his tardiness because of me and his haughty, I'm better than everyone attitude because of me. I know for a fact he worked a night job and came to work loaded one night and I was very worried about his safety and that of others.
So, these kinds of things help to ground me. They help me to realize that I made the right choice and that the best choice is for me to get out of the situation now, before its too late.
So, these kinds of things help to ground me. They help me to realize that I made the right choice and that the best choice is for me to get out of the situation now, before its too late.
To thine own self be true.
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I also have had to figure out (and am still figuring out) that I did not cause AXBF's behaviors and am not responsible for him or what happens to him. I do not like taking the blame for other people's issues. It is horrible.
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Chron, I got that too...it was my fault I called police and filed restraining order...but never his fault for being physical. Stay strong. Keep posting. Use your resources. It is so hard but find comfort in knowing you're protecting your child. Don't let his family make you feel bad...ever. Prayers to you.
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