restraining order

Old 07-23-2012, 03:33 AM
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restraining order

Please please share your experience and wisdom about getting permanent restraining orders! I am new to all of this.

It's been three months since I broke up with XABF. It's been relatively quiet. I'm still his facebook picture, but the calls and texts and visits finally completely died down. He lives 30-45 minutes away and we haven't crossed paths. It's been glorious.

Until:
--The past two Thursdays, XABF showed up, alone, at the bar where my co-workers always do happy hour.
--This Friday he drunk dialed my sister and told her how much he missed her friendship and he hoped they could catch up soon. (She hung up on him)
--This Saturday, XABF bumped into my girlfriends at lunch at the frozen yogurt place on my block. Again, XABF was alone, and I promise this dude's never willingly consumed froyo of his own accord.
--Yesterday morning my neighbor texted me that XABF was reading at the local dog park. To make it extra strange, XABF apparently forgot to bring his dogs.
--To top it all off, my landlord called yesterday out of the blue asking for clarification about whether XABF was looking at studio apartments for himself or whether we were coming together to look at some of the bigger 1-bedrooms. APPARENTLY HE'S MOVING INTO MY BUILDING.

XABF doesn't work consistently. He's "going to be a famous musician soon" ie he pays the bills by teaching 3rd graders how to play the guitar. His client base is near his current home, not mine, but I guess he could change that.

Am I too late to get a restraining order? Does this many coincidences count as stalking? I am now scared to go to happy hour, lunch, and my dog park! I'm sure he'll have some crafty excuses for why he's the only Y chromosome creeping around the Pinkberry...but really can he move into my apartment building??
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Old 07-23-2012, 04:17 AM
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Hi Chrissy!

I'm sorry that it seems your ex is stalking you. I don't know what the laws are in your state. Perhaps contact your local police department to ask them what the criteria are for obtaining a restraining order and explain the situation to them. I don't think any of us can advise you on the evidence you will need. Others will be along soon to share their own experiences!

Hugs, HG
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Old 07-23-2012, 08:27 AM
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Hi Chrissy,

I don't know anything about restraining orders either. But I would start by talking with your landlord. He should know that if he allows your X into the building that 1) there will likely be drama over it (whether initiated by you or not), and 2) you will likely be moving out. So, he would not be gaining anything by renting this other apt to your X. He would just be swapping a good non-addicted tenant for a potentially unpredictable addicted one. Doesn't seem like a good option to me.

Take care,
Fathom
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Old 07-23-2012, 08:46 AM
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Document everything, even if it means getting statements from your friends, co workers and landlord.

Go to your police to check out the 'Stalking Laws' in your state. Ask for their advice and if they deem it is time to file a restraining order. Give them the whole story and STRESS your fear of him, that he has resurfaced after 3 months.

If they yes, go to the court and get one. It will be a Temporary Restraining Order or Protection Order (TRO or TPO) for about 3 weeks or so, when another court date will be held, he will have been served and be expected to be there to say why a Permanent Restraining order (PRO) or Protection Order (PPO) should not be granted.

I also like Fathom's suggestion of talking with your Landlord.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-23-2012, 10:11 AM
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Get a lawyer to help you. The laws for restraining orders/protective orders are different in every state. Where I live, they're extremely difficult to get, and in your case, a judge wouldn't even consider it.

What you can do is talk to people, as you have. Tell your landlord your X is an alcoholic and that he's only looking for a place in order to create problems for you. Tell your friends that he's stalking you, and advise them to tell him to bugger off if he shows up again. Even if you can't get the law to help you (and frankly, an actively drinking A might not care an awful lot about a piece of paper saying he can't go to "your" dogpark), you can smack doors in his face with the help of friends & family.
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Old 07-23-2012, 02:23 PM
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Oh god. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 07-23-2012, 03:21 PM
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Another resource is the local women's shelters in your area. Not for you to move in there, but because they have the most experience with the actual reality of restraining orders and all the details of making them actually work for your. You can find them in your phone book and they are always willing to help with suggestions, advice and referrals to lawyers with a good reputation.

Mike
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Old 07-23-2012, 04:37 PM
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Check your state website and with your county courthouse. Where I live they actually have a person at the courthouse assigned to help fill out the paperwork to get a PPO. Calling a DV shelter is a good idea too, they will know the ropes.
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Old 07-23-2012, 05:26 PM
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Definately call your courthouse or DV agency. I got a restraining order at the beginning of June. Honestly the DV woman was a godsend. She knew exactly what I needed to do.

My ex had gotten really angry before the order, so many of his texts were threats, which made the order much easier to get. I also had to make the statement that I was in fear and I had reasonable reasons to believe I was in danger. Laws very but there are people there to help.

Document everything. Not that you want him to turn nasty, but it would work in your favor if he would go a little bit crazy.
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Old 07-23-2012, 10:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Chrissy44 View Post
Am I too late to get a restraining order? Does this many coincidences count as stalking? I am now scared to go to happy hour, lunch, and my dog park!
Hi Chrissy,

Everyone here gave excellent advice about checking with your local laws since they vary from State to State and even varies by jurisdiction within the same State. Also, almost all States have a Domestic Violence advocate office that will talk to you and give you options.

I can give you general information that may help you from my experience in Probation.

The key word in your post above is "scared". Also, the specific charge that may be applied to your xbf may be felony stalking.

Generally, if you feel threatended by another person and that person is/was an in a relationship with you, you can generally get a domestic violence restaining order from the Court that prohibits him from contact with you by any means and also to keep a specific distance from you usually 1,000 feet which would cover him from moving into your building. Violation of this Protection Order will result in a contempt charge and, in most jurisdictions, will result in immediate arrest by the Police to set that contempt charge with the Court.

A lot will depend on any calls to the Police or other records that existed from when you were living together. I did read your first post and saw where there was violence. Even if you do not come under any Domestic Violence statutes in your state because he has already left your home, you may still be covered by the DV laws....your Domestic Violence advocate or, as DesertEyes recommended, your Women's shelter can also advise you.

Even if you are not covered by DV laws, and I think you are because the prior relationship constitues a nexus, you are certainly allowed to live your life in peace without fear of another person bothering you in any way. A restraining order or Protection Order from the Court can be granted regardless of the relationship. By that, I mean, the Order will indicate he is an "ex" or a prior relationship existed.

Generally speaking, you would go to the Court and file for a "temporary order" from the Court. You would go to a brief hearing (without him being present) and ask the Judge for a temporary order. Taking the DV advocate with you to the hearing, or talking to the prosecuting attorney assigned by the state to your Court, is a good idea. Once the Order is granted, then the Court will serve your xbf with the Order because it cannot be enforced without him having been served with a copy of the Order. At that time, your local Police Department will have his name on a hotsheet and will usually patrol your neighbourhood with that knowledge.

At some point, depending on your jurisdiction, you and he will have a hearing for a Permanent Order that is generally good for at least a year. The Court will be sympathetic to the nature of the order and keep you two apart in the hearing room. I would recommend you take a friend with you to the hearing for support. The permanent order will look like the temporary order except be for a longer duration.

Keep a copy of the order with you at all times in case you need to call the Police. While they do have access to the information from their dispatch, showing it to them at the moment of violation will save time.

Until you get this order or after you get it, anytime you fear for your safety and he is in your presense and causing that fear, call the Police. I will be very honest with you in saying that, in more cases than not, the Police may not do anything and you will become frustrated. The reason is that, believe it or not, 90% of all DV arrests result in the victim not pressing charges in Court and the court releases the bad person and the Police feel they worked for nothing. Just stay with it and they will soon see that you are serious and will stay with it. In any case, they must take a report and you have the right to request a copy of the reports under your State's records request statutes.

When you get the Protection Order the Police must arrest him if he violates the Order because, from that point on, it is between the State and him, not you and him, with respect to how the Police deal with it.

I hope this answered your questions. I do know that this is scary for you but learn all you can with respect to your State and Local laws. Document everything including saving your text messages. Usually, the Police will request you go to the station and an admin person there will transcribe your text messages to build the case for the Permanent Order. Start keeping a journal of specific dates from what you can remember from the past and everything in the future. Also, while you have the right to be anywhere you want to be, I would recommend thinking "safely". Try not to put yourself in a situation of danger, at least until you have a Protection Order. Even then, think "safety"; your life and right to be anywhere isn't worth losing your life over.

Finally, remember this is general advice. I only have experience in 2 States and, even in those two States, each local jurisdiction has variations to the process I wrote. I hope you find this information helpful.
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