New here and very confused!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2
New here and very confused!
Hi all
I found this site by Googling, and hope it can help.
I live in the UK, with my two kids, one of whom is autistic, and friend that I bought the house with a few years ago.
This friend is someone that I've known all my life - her parents knew my parents before we were born.
We've holidayed together, watched each other's marriages/relationships fall apart, and decided to buy a house together a few years ago.
It seemed to be going fine - we still get on really well, and my kids adapted ok. The older one, who is autistic, has a few blips now and then, but we struggled on through. Then I got diagnosed with breast cancer, and had to have chemotherapy and radiotherapy and surgery, which took a year out of my life - but I'm ok now and in remission.
My younger son coped very badly with me being ill, and it has been quite challenging helping him through this. He also doesn't handle having an autistic brother very well.
As a result, he has a very short fuse, will lose his temper very easily and can be very difficult to live with. (He is about to start CBT Therapy, and I'm awaiting his first appointment).
My friend, who never had children of her own, found his behaviour more challenging than my other son (the autistic one).
Anyway, we seemed to be doing ok until three weeks ago, when I came home from work - my friend was home before me, which was unusual.
She then dropped the biggest bombshell that I've ever had to cope with - she had been sacked from her job, because she was stealing, to fund her alcoholism.
This was a huge shock to me -
a) I had absolutely no idea she was an alcoholic
b) I had always thought my friend was the most honest person you could ever meet.
I now have the responsibility of paying the mortgage, bills etc on my own, as she is unemployed.
The good news is, she has stopped drinking and is attending AA meetings, but I still feel lost.
Who can I talk to about this?
She hasn't even told her friends or family that she has lost her job, so I can't tell anyone either.
She says she was drinking alone in her bedroom at night, and hiding all the evidence from me.
I feel betrayed, but I also feel that it is my fault that she started drinking, as she could not cope with all the pressure that my sons have caused.
I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I have been bottling up all these feeling for three weeks now, and feel I need to talk to someone/have some advice.
I found this site by Googling, and hope it can help.
I live in the UK, with my two kids, one of whom is autistic, and friend that I bought the house with a few years ago.
This friend is someone that I've known all my life - her parents knew my parents before we were born.
We've holidayed together, watched each other's marriages/relationships fall apart, and decided to buy a house together a few years ago.
It seemed to be going fine - we still get on really well, and my kids adapted ok. The older one, who is autistic, has a few blips now and then, but we struggled on through. Then I got diagnosed with breast cancer, and had to have chemotherapy and radiotherapy and surgery, which took a year out of my life - but I'm ok now and in remission.
My younger son coped very badly with me being ill, and it has been quite challenging helping him through this. He also doesn't handle having an autistic brother very well.
As a result, he has a very short fuse, will lose his temper very easily and can be very difficult to live with. (He is about to start CBT Therapy, and I'm awaiting his first appointment).
My friend, who never had children of her own, found his behaviour more challenging than my other son (the autistic one).
Anyway, we seemed to be doing ok until three weeks ago, when I came home from work - my friend was home before me, which was unusual.
She then dropped the biggest bombshell that I've ever had to cope with - she had been sacked from her job, because she was stealing, to fund her alcoholism.
This was a huge shock to me -
a) I had absolutely no idea she was an alcoholic
b) I had always thought my friend was the most honest person you could ever meet.
I now have the responsibility of paying the mortgage, bills etc on my own, as she is unemployed.
The good news is, she has stopped drinking and is attending AA meetings, but I still feel lost.
Who can I talk to about this?
She hasn't even told her friends or family that she has lost her job, so I can't tell anyone either.
She says she was drinking alone in her bedroom at night, and hiding all the evidence from me.
I feel betrayed, but I also feel that it is my fault that she started drinking, as she could not cope with all the pressure that my sons have caused.
I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I have been bottling up all these feeling for three weeks now, and feel I need to talk to someone/have some advice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by Fiona33 
I feel betrayed, but I also feel that it is my fault that she started drinking, as she could not cope with all the pressure that my sons have caused.
Sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate. I'm sorry to hear that your friend's alcoholism must now be added to the pile.
If your friend is an alcoholic (and she's not just using this as an excuse for unexcusable behavior), than rest assured that there is NOTHING you or your son did to 'cause' it. We learn in al anon that we did not cause, cannot control and certainly cannot cure the disease of alcoholism. You and your son are no more to blame than you would be if she came down with some other disease such as cancer or diabetes. So please don't accept any guilt where you have none.
Al anon meetings are great places to find support and to educate yourself about how you can take care of yourself and not enable the alcoholic. SR is a great place too. I'm glad you found us and I look forward to getting to know you better....
Mary
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Fiona, Welcome to SR!
Wow! You have been through so much lately--I'm so glad to hear that your cancer is in remission!!
First, let me assure you that YOU did not cause HER drinking. No way, now how, not the reason at all!!!!!!!!
I found a lot of support by going to the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon (that's for the friends and family members of alcoholics). One thing I learned right away is a concept called the 3C's:
I didn't cause the drinking.
I cannot control the alcoholic.
I cannot cure the alcoholic.
It would seem to me that you have some decisions to make. Can you afford the mortgage on your own? Is your roommate looking for work? Do you feel as though you trust your roommate enough to continue with this living arrangement?
You don't have to tell me the answers to these questions, just some things for you to consider.
I hope you will stick around, make yourself comfortable here, and read all the threads you can. You have found a great place for support and the collective wisdom of (sadly) years of experience.
HG
Wow! You have been through so much lately--I'm so glad to hear that your cancer is in remission!!
First, let me assure you that YOU did not cause HER drinking. No way, now how, not the reason at all!!!!!!!!
I found a lot of support by going to the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon (that's for the friends and family members of alcoholics). One thing I learned right away is a concept called the 3C's:
I didn't cause the drinking.
I cannot control the alcoholic.
I cannot cure the alcoholic.
It would seem to me that you have some decisions to make. Can you afford the mortgage on your own? Is your roommate looking for work? Do you feel as though you trust your roommate enough to continue with this living arrangement?
You don't have to tell me the answers to these questions, just some things for you to consider.
I hope you will stick around, make yourself comfortable here, and read all the threads you can. You have found a great place for support and the collective wisdom of (sadly) years of experience.
HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2
Thank you both for your kind words.
My friend is looking for work, but to be honest, I don't know what kind of reference she will get from her ex-employer.
I hope she is successful, but it still doesn't wipe out the deception and lying that I can't seem to understand.
I'm in such a turmoil of emotions - it's useful to know that there are meetngs that I can attend. Are these specifically for family/friends or are they the same meetings that my friend would attend? I don't feel I could open up if she was there.
My friend is looking for work, but to be honest, I don't know what kind of reference she will get from her ex-employer.
I hope she is successful, but it still doesn't wipe out the deception and lying that I can't seem to understand.
I'm in such a turmoil of emotions - it's useful to know that there are meetngs that I can attend. Are these specifically for family/friends or are they the same meetings that my friend would attend? I don't feel I could open up if she was there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
No, your friend would not attend the AlAnon meetings those are for family members and friends of the alcoholic.
I am sorry for all the stress you are facing.
Please do not take any of her actions on yourself. That ALL belongs to her. All of it.
You must have a load of patience.
I wish you the best, and please ask any and all for help.
Beth
I am sorry for all the stress you are facing.
Please do not take any of her actions on yourself. That ALL belongs to her. All of it.
You must have a load of patience.
I wish you the best, and please ask any and all for help.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi Fiona
I don't have much to add other than to back up the advice of the others about Al Anon. I have found it almost like a sanctuary, and the support and understanding you will get in the meetings in itself is healing.
SR is a wonderful resource - keep coming back, keep reading and posting.
Adventure
I don't have much to add other than to back up the advice of the others about Al Anon. I have found it almost like a sanctuary, and the support and understanding you will get in the meetings in itself is healing.
SR is a wonderful resource - keep coming back, keep reading and posting.
Adventure
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