Fallow

With all the good things happening to me lately youd think Id be on top of the world. Far from it.

If Im not escaping with drugs or alcohol. Im sober and wishing I was somewhere far away all the time. I love my family and friends so I feel bad to say sometimes I want to run and never see any of them again...

Any of you ever felt this way?

Sitting here trying to figure out just why I was brought into this world in the first place. I cant think of a reason..

I know I need to get sober to even have a chance.

My fears have been stopping me in my tracks time and time again.

Ive got nobody else to talk to about it. Sorry. End rant//

Dee74

I hated life. A lot.

Even after I got sober and stayed that way it took a while for my head to clear and for me to realise how much alcohol was insidiously warped my perspective.

I bet you have a lot of wonderful things in your life Fallow. That addictive part of us, that part that courts self destruction and makes us scared of staying sober?

It would love to rip you away from your family and friends....cos then it could have you all to itself.

I ended up isolating myself away from everyone who cared about me and drank all day every day for 5 years Fallow.

It;s not a road you want to go down, believe me.

Get sober, stay that way - work on being the best person you can be - and you'll find you'll think differently about a lot of things, I promise

D

Nessa828

I know the feeling, and honestly, that was a big reason why I am choosing sobriety. I'm a single mom, and sometimes the thought of doing this forever, quite possibly alone, is terrifying. It seems easier to just run away from responsibilities. Alcohol was always a way to mask real life, to ignore things, to cope without actually dealing with the problem. I've only been sober 7 days, but my outlook has changed tremendously. I am learning to tackle issues head on, not pretending that they aren't there. Life is hard, man. Just remember, tomorrow is a new day, and what you are feeling won't last forever.

Rossy

I seem to feel worse not drinking.

mecanix

when i admitted i was powerless over alcohol, unable to control my life, that i never wanted to drink again , my perspective changed.

Part of what i use in recovery is gratitude lists, there are some on this site where we all rattle off things were thankfull for, or things we are thankfull that sobriety has given us.

Remember alcohol is a depressant and it can take quite some time for that depression to lift, might be worth seeing your G.P./ doctor as afterall a lot of us get into drinking to try and self medicate other problems away ..

bestwishes , M

hypochondriac

Is it possible that this is tied in with unrealistic expectations of being sober...? I know I had that and it was typical AV stuff. What's the point of being sober if it doesn't make everything perfect right? I am holding on to the thought that things will get better provided I don't drink. But I can't just sit here and wait for it, I have to do stuff to help my recovery and make sure I feel better. I know that the general inclination is to slap people who say stuff like 'happiness is a choice' but it is in a way. I think it is really important to be honest in recovery and make sure that you are living the life you want to lead. We have such a strong tendency to blame our addictive behaviour on our environment but that is something we can control. Drinking will not make you feel better, it will make you feel miserable, but maybe doing something else for yourself that you know will make you happy will help.

That said, yes, I know exactly how you feel. I think it's all just a part of wanting to run away from our problems. It doesn't mean you have to do things you don't want to though. I had to detach from alot of people just to get sober, and as time goes by I feel more sociable and want to see people again. But I won't be doing anything under duress any more, just so I can sit there and use it as an excuse to want to be drinking. The reason I am in this world is the reason I choose. I can do whatever I want now I don't have to drink anymore

I hope you feel better soon Fallow. Your mindset will change the further away from that last drink you get but you might have to put in a bit of legwork to help things get better *Hugs* x

Sasha4

i can relate Fallow.

I understand that feeling and I think the thing that sets it apart for me is that on previous attemppts i never wanted it that badly. This time I want it. i am willing to work for it.

No-one has told me I have to do it, it is just me that wants to do it. I am following no-one elses orders but my own.

This time it has been good. Others not very good.
But I am sure the defining factor was that I wanted it, not others who pushing for it. I have no-one to feel resentful at for stopping my drinking or blame for putting an end to my 'fun'.

By 'it' I mean stopping boozing.

Good luck Fallow, I care about you. You can always talk to us here.
xxxx

spirituald

Never be sorry for needing to talk to someone.

Remember that being sober is for those who want it, not need it. Ask the universe to remove your fear. Literally take a breath in and exhale the fear, self-seeking and resentments out of you to let the universe do with them what it will.

Ask for wilingness to be positive and smile, studies show that just by smiling an even thinking of some good memories gets positive neurons firing in your brain. Easy does it, this is just the beginning of the rest of your great life.

2granddaughters

Are you attending AA meetings regularly?

Please Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of AA".

I wish you the best.

Bob R

SmittyBittyBoo

Well-after 20+ years of depression-sometimes managed, sometimes not-I can say for absolute certainty that you won't feel better while you drink. I promise. And drinking won't help those feelings of "What am I doing here?" And those feelings of running away will only be worse with drink.

If possible-I'd second the motion of seeing a dr for some help to to get you over the hump.

Never be sorry for needing someone to talk to. It takes strength to talk to someone about your problems.

Anna

I understand what you're talking about too.

I felt my life was without purpose and it was quite depressing. I knew that I had to reconnect to my spiritual self and find a meaningful purpose to my life. I found "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav to be very important in my journey.

instant

I started the daily practice of gratitude early in my recovery. It seemed like a stupid thing to do. The impact on my outlook over time has been amazing. I recommend it to anyone who is cynical, restless or dissatisfied.

See the thread section for gratitude on the main board

flutter

When I stopped drinking, I thought my life would change. I thought everything that was wrong in my life was solely caused by my drinking, and I was wrong. I had to change my life AND quit drinking (though the two really went hand in hand), I couldn't just 'be' sober, I had to work on recovery and learning a new way to live. Life can still suck in recovery, but I'm much better equipped at dealing with the lows now than I was when I was drinking.

Sentso

Hey Fallow don't apologise for writing here, it is always good and positive to write AND read honest things like that, it is important. Exactly like some sad song can help you when you're down.

RobbyRobot

Same here, I hated my life, and worse... I hated others lives too. Being drunk only fed and enhanced my hatreds. Getting sober brought me face to face with myself. No easy task for any of us. I wasn't surprised I hated my life though in all honesty. I wasn't living a life worth living, you know? and being drunk kept me from being honest with just how bad things had become...

Changing me and my life became the all important next-thing-to-do after quitting alcohol. My feelings were always the last to heal, and these took the most effort to change and feel better about myself, and about others too.

It dosen't always feel great to face ourselves, and do the next right thing in our journey to be the best we can be...

Its always worth the struggle though to be our best selves, sans-alcohol, and change our lives as we grow in our journeys.

Stay with keeping sober, Fallow. You too, Rossy. Never give up on living free of alcohol.