empty1

I always wonder whats wrong with me. I mave no idea why I take him back he steals from me. He steals from his kids. He carries guns and steals from other peoples homes. I havent taken him back yet this time and i am moving to an apartment. This is the only man I have ever loved and untill METH we were great I cant say what i feel im mad that he disapears for days to weeks at a time hurt that I am not ever enough scared because i think someone will kill him because of the life he now lives. Im confused because he has taken no clothing with him never does just disappears. Pissed we have kids and im left just holding the ball cant tell them whats going on and never will.When he calls its always in the middle of the night talking about how much he loves me and how he is ashamed and wants to blow his brains out. How sorry for hurting me again. I dont blame just him because you teach a person how to treat you and up untill he started hangin with my brother he treated me like a queen so I keep hoping that man comes back. I think its time for me to facethe fact that my husband is dead cuzz thats not my husband this thing who looks like him. I want to know from the addicts WTF makes you think that this is ok why trade in what should mean the most for a glass D#ck what joy is there in this all of his family thinks im great pretty smart respectful I just dont get it i spend my days hoping he goes to jail so at least i know he is alive and CLEAN.Im so mad hurt confused is this normal with all this i still love him

crazybabie

I think while we are still living the dysfunction it is normal until we get healthy.

When my AH and I went our separate ways 2 1/2 years ago I was going crazy I was addicted to him and the illusion I thought we had long story short after about 4 break ups in those 2 1/2 years I see now I am not in love with him, I don't miss him I miss what was my "norm"

Jody675

do you love HIM or the IDEA of him?

liv1ce

I am an addict and I can put some sense to what you are seeing in your husband as he is just like me and everyone else here and the legion of others who can't seem to find their way home. He is addicted to a powerful drug and it matters only in degree as whatever a person is addicted to is powerful to them. An addict will do ANYTHING to try to protect his/her addiction. An addict will do ANYTHING out of fear of having to quit. An addict will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate everyone and everything in his/her environment in order to get and stay high and the whole time feel that everything is okay.

Inside each low functioning scumbag there remains the person who CHOSE to go down the road to hell. You see him in his brief times of reaching out to you to tell you he cares and feels remorseful but it is never enough to make him stop and until he does he can never recover. He is truly in the grip of this insanity and insane way of thinking that is addiction.

My wonderful wife was able to reach in and penetrate the fog just at the time when I could not stand it anymore and with her support I have been able to come free but that is truly rare. It is rare to turn this around and get clean. It is rare to stay that way.

Can you save him? I truly doubt it. There are many here that can advise you from the side of the problem that you are on. They will tell you the same thing. He can only save himself. I am lucky to have been wanting to quit so bad that my wife's offer of support was enough to make me take the step. I had actually had the opportunity months earlier but tried to taper off to avoid withdrawals and that never really works. I just ended up keepin on keepin on and feeling like such a bum.

If that helps you in some way then good. Otherwise it just helps me to tell a little of my story to remind me how I got where I am today.

Vale

liv1ce......thank you for your wise words....they help alot.

(Thanks)

lisasneeze

I hate to be so blunt but the man you love is most likely never coming back and you cannot live in an idea of what he was because you are always going to be disappointed from now on. You take him back because you are an enabler like I was. Some where inside I saw little rays of hope in my addict but it just was false hope. He will continue to steal from you, lie to you, hurt you and disappoint you and you have to make a decision. Leaving hurts but the hurt gets better, it is when you stay that the hurt never goes away. Enabling is a tough road to be on, there is no peace, no true love and no real resolution, I found it to be similar to a slow torture. You might love him but you need to love yourself and he cannot love you back in the way you need him to.

FindingErica

Good for you, getting your own apartment. We just moved to a new place and I have not given AH the address. I opened a PO box since a lot of the mail has both of our names and he has not forwarded anything. I know Ot is hard, we worry about them being homeless and getting hurt. Unlike you though, I know where AH was hanging out to get high and have been told what he acts like and what he has to say about me, the kids, marriage and fatherhood when he is chillin' and his guard is down. He feels trapped and just wants to "party". He does me lip service on how he is clean, working NA, wants to work on the marriage, misses the kids. His actions though say otherwise. He won't come back to the area or even the state we live in, he would not make effort to call the kids, he threatens me for money. I don't want him in my home at all. Did we have good times, yes of course, we have been married 18 years, but it is over. Not just because of the drugs, I believe th addiction is a symptom of other things, but because of the WHYs... His heart isn't in this. His words to me say one thing and his actions and the words he lets slip say another. He has shown me who he is and I don't want to be married to that person. Your AH has shown you who he really is, the best thing you can do is believe it. Maybe a day will come when he will get clean but he has to make that step. Maybe you will get back the man he was one day, but you can't live for that, you need to take the current circumstance for what it is right now and make decisions based on that. Once I realized that it made all my hard decisions easier.

You are going to be OK. It doesn't feel like it now and you will continue to doubt, but is will get easier.

outtolunch

Most Police Departments have a special protocol for Meth addicts due to the significant liklihood of spontaneous violence. That your husband carries guns take this way over the top.

That hopeful fantasy of the man you needed and wanted is gone. Your job is to protect yourself and your children.

His addiction is not personal. He's not using at you. Meth has rewired his brain to protect and sustain addiction. Humans cannot compete with the power of this drug.

Nothing wrong with loving his memory. Much wrong with continueing to allow him to involve you and the children in the chaos of addiction. Let go or be dragged down by him. Your children are depending on you to put them before this insanity.

empty1

Thank you liv1ce i always wonder whats in an adicts mind. I didnt answer the phone last night and wont today he is calling my job had one of the aides tell him im not working this week movin things out i know its just a matter of time before he comes here didnt think it would help but being here with others who have lived it helps me get stronger. I am happy that your wife stayed there it was a good decision but this wife is leaving no more of the BS gonna work on not being an enabler. he text how wrong i am for not answering and he wants to go to rehab but he has to go to salvation army because no job and can i help buy some of his supplies I didnt respond to him because I didnt want to get pulled in but I feel better saying it to you guys I think I have payed enough for his problems think i will go take my children to dinner and a movie LOL

liv1ce

It seems that you are doing the right thing. He has a lot to prove if he can prove anything at all. It is really sad that so few of us can find how great it is to be away from that god awful shiit.

LoveMeNow

Taking your kids to dinner and a movie is a great idea. Going no contact, blocking his number will help.

But I really hope you think about going to Alanon and/or Naranon meetings as well. They will really help you learn how to take of YOU and your kids. You feel so much stronger after just one meeting, its amazing!!

HeWhoSleeps

"Thats not my husband this thing that looks like him"

I totally identified with that empty1. When my heroin AB went down the darkest fall I've seen him on...I had no idea wtf he was. I remember one night when I accosted him in the bathroom, in that old house that was the room where he'd use. I'd never had the balls to knock on the door, even though I KNEW what he was doing. I always WANTED to, it was better than the panic of lying in our bed and pretending I was asleep. That I was stupid. That I was ignorant. That my heart was beating its way frantically out of my chest and that I couldn't breath or see straight. Just lie there and wait and die and die and die...but this one night I didn't and I DID go to the door and I DID knock and the anger and the rage coming off of that thing that answered the door in his skin?
He beratted and screamed and cussed and punch the wall and everything he could do to break my spirit and have me back down and leave him. But I didn't. I looked him in the eye and I said, "I don't know who the hell you are, or what cavern in Satan's ass you crawled out of. But I want you to leave my boyfriend, you are NOT his destiny and you are NOT wanted here. I want you to leave us alone and NEVER come back, and when you see my boyfriend again you tell him I will be here waiting for him. And that I love him. And aside from that you piece if sh*t, you can go to hell."
That was over two years ago. And he's still not clean. He's not what he was, as weird as that sounds. The addiction is not in the full-tilt-swing it was...but he's not clean.

Please be careful. A friend of mine just got out of prison for attempted murder. He was high on meth at the time. According to his own private testimony to me when I asked him what happened. He said "spirits" or "voices" in his head told him to go upstairs and cut his roommate. "You cut him or we cut you." Is what they told him. Hand of god that's what he said, and he believes it. So he went upstairs while his roommate was asleep, still high on meth, with a butcher knife, and he cut his throat ear to ear. By the grace of GOD (literally and just barely) did his roommate survive. How is still a bit of a mystery to us all even today.
This friend of mine? Nicest guy ever. Never hurt a flea. Yadda yadda yadda and blah blah blah. Please please PLEASE be careful. Drugs of any kind are not to be trusted, but I have (because of my friend) a particular fear of meth.
I'll be thinking of you m'dear.
May you be protected and safe in this endeavor to disentangle yourself from this awful addiction.

PrayingMama

Wow. I am so sorry for your pain and what you have been through, but that is the most awesomely fierce in-your-face taking a stand I have ever heard.

Thank you for sharing.

amaslow

You need to move him out. No dialogue,, just get him out to protect your self and you children.. Start viewing him as big baby, not a man, who can function like a man,, a weak person who preys on you and has no regard for his kids.. Really when you think abot it, it is not attractive,,.. It is weak and immature..like a sissy...***/******************He is not there for you

FindingErica

Your AH sounds like mine, asking for money for this or that. A person makes a choice to support their family or bail. I will never bail on my kids. Be strong! You are doing the right thing.

empty1

Finding Erica while looking for yourself i am finding me its so hard and different lonely but your quote is correct losing him doesn't matter i lost me but i think i needed to be lost in order to be found I have no intention on arguing with Satan I hope they live happily ever after if that's what he wants very brave of he who sleeps but right now gotta keep Satan away from me and my kids we didn't invite him in he did and for love me not did today very scarey but i lived will go again thursday

FindingErica

Yes, it is hard and lonely. I find my mind "going there", thinking about the good times and wondering if I am throwing it all away. I haven't seen AH in 3 months, so he can spin the fairy tale when I speak to him on the phone... He's in NA, he is working a stellar job, he paid the bills with the money I put in the joint account for that purpose (last month), he has stopped drug use, he wants his family back. Those are his words. Here are his actions. He was lying for two solid weeks about working. He has a bank acct in his own name and he transferred some of the money into that acct and did not pay bills. He actually deposited a large chunk of money recently into it while asking me to pay for his car insurance and the cell bill for the cell he shut off on me. (I refused) drug dials and drug texts... Babbles, threatens. He refuses to leave the state he is in 18 hrs away to even be near his kids.

I am fortunate in some ways because the places he went to "party", I have started getting back stories. He would go to my brother's house which is a bachelor pad and he is in a band. So he thought party on, but my brother is an RA and he was not impressed, tried to talk some sense and then cut him off. So I know the things he said and did, hurtful things. He talked about how me and the kids were a "prison" and he was sick of that s**t". He hit on women. He has his gun, a glock, in his car according to my brother. I've also gotten the scoop from his sister, her partner, his cousin's (drug buddy) wife who is in a similar situation now. In my mind the good guy that he was is gone and what is left is a lying, manipulative, selfish, entitled, angry, bitter, abusive creep. My only regret? That I didn't 100% believe what people said here, I thought I understood him and was basing this knowledge on his history. The people here knew him right from the start and they had never met him. My best pieces of advice that I didn't take- don't give money and go no contact. If I hadn't been so blinded by guilt, fear and especially obligation; I would have done me and the kids this favor, and would have saved myself a lot of unnecessary misery and resources.

crazybabie

I was the same way I think many of us are when we first arrive here after all how could someone know him better than me I have been with him 31 years and they never met him.
Yeah, right man I was wrong they knew him so much better than I did.

zoso77

This is so manipulative, it's disgusting.

You're going to feel whatever it is your feel. Acknowledge those feelings, and work your way through them while taking care of yourself and your children. There's no avoiding the feelings, or the conflicting emotions. But you cannot allow any of that to compromise your judgement and safety.

Be safe...
ZoSo

nytepassion

empty1,

Check you Private Messages.

Hugs,
Passion