I feel so stupid....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 6
I feel so stupid....
I posted on this sight back in April and god how I wish I had kept coming to hear the stories and keep my resolve. Unfortunately, I did not. The XABF came back with all kinds of promises and a promise of a new life together. I fell for it hook, line and SINKER! Things were good for a while. Even recently, he had made it a full two weeks without drinking. Then it started again... A couple of beers one night then a couple more. Friday night he wanted to go out for a game of pool. I was feeling sick and declined the invite. I also knew that instead of beer he had bought a fifth of rum. I was worried how the night would go since I've seen it go so bad when the rum or vodka makes an appearance. Oh did it! He didn't call all night and since I pay for his phone (dumb me) I could see where his phone was by checking it on n the Internet. To make a long story short I tracked him down to her apartment and then followed them on his way home with a girl. I followed the car and when he realized I was behind him, they pulled over. I was so mad I took his phone and told him not to call me ever again and when he asked "are u seriously taking my phone". I replied I was not paying for him to talk to girls. ( not in that nice way) of course he called and said she was his cousin and he didn't do anything wrong. I investigated and his aunt doesn't have a daughter with that name. Anyway, after getting the phone back I found pictures of this girl naked in his bed. Today he had another excuse, he didn't take the pictures, etc. He also claims that he was in the car with her to go buy DOPE. (meth) I told him I wasn't stupid and told him to have a nice life. The other bad part is, he is mad at me for taking his phone! The phone I bought and pay for!
It is almost unreal to me how I have let my boundaries veer so far from my own. I find myself questioning myself, as if he may be telling the truth about not sleeping with her. Even if he didn't, he is now using drugs, hanging out with another woman, telling lies. One of those by itself should be enough for me to stop questioning myself. How can he make me feel bad for taking his phone! I know in my head that I deserve better. So much better! I mean, he barely works, is currently living in a hotel, doesn't have a car, no drivers license!
I just feel so stupid for getting myself into this again.
It is almost unreal to me how I have let my boundaries veer so far from my own. I find myself questioning myself, as if he may be telling the truth about not sleeping with her. Even if he didn't, he is now using drugs, hanging out with another woman, telling lies. One of those by itself should be enough for me to stop questioning myself. How can he make me feel bad for taking his phone! I know in my head that I deserve better. So much better! I mean, he barely works, is currently living in a hotel, doesn't have a car, no drivers license!
I just feel so stupid for getting myself into this again.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Well, as I like to say...he can get glad in the same pants he got mad in. Poor little baby...my heart bleeds for him. NOT.
Don't beat yourself up over this. You aren't the first one, and won't be the last one to fall for lies. Addicts are masters at lying and manipulation. You'll be fine if you just cut off all communication with him and allow yourself to get past this. You have NOTHING to feel guilty or bad about. Why on earth would he expect you to let him keep a phone that you pay for?? Just shows how bizarre their thinking is.
Don't beat yourself up over this. You aren't the first one, and won't be the last one to fall for lies. Addicts are masters at lying and manipulation. You'll be fine if you just cut off all communication with him and allow yourself to get past this. You have NOTHING to feel guilty or bad about. Why on earth would he expect you to let him keep a phone that you pay for?? Just shows how bizarre their thinking is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
You are NOT stupid!! You know intellectually that this stuff is going on, and that he's a liar. But we subconsciously convince ourselves to overlook these kinds of things when we desperately want them to be untrue. I know I have done that many, MANY times in relationships, past and current.
A friend of mine just broke up with a guy who has cheated on her repeatedly in the past as well as hit her a few times. He was going away for a couple of months for a school thing, and wanted to be able to sleep with other people while he was there. And he had the nerve to ask if they could get back together in the fall! She told me "a normal person would have left a long time ago, but not me".
But if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that there are very few, if any, "normal" people in love. Whether it's a boyfriend, a sibling, a parent...love trumps rationality. Sometimes rationality overcomes love eventually, or the constant bulls**t erodes love enough that rationality is stronger by default. I hope that this time has done it for you and will allow you to move on to get what you deserve. BUT if it's not, I certainly will not judge you.
A friend of mine just broke up with a guy who has cheated on her repeatedly in the past as well as hit her a few times. He was going away for a couple of months for a school thing, and wanted to be able to sleep with other people while he was there. And he had the nerve to ask if they could get back together in the fall! She told me "a normal person would have left a long time ago, but not me".
But if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that there are very few, if any, "normal" people in love. Whether it's a boyfriend, a sibling, a parent...love trumps rationality. Sometimes rationality overcomes love eventually, or the constant bulls**t erodes love enough that rationality is stronger by default. I hope that this time has done it for you and will allow you to move on to get what you deserve. BUT if it's not, I certainly will not judge you.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
First and foremost, stopping beating yourself up!! That will never make things better for you. You made a mistake... Big deal. The great thing is we can learn from our mistakes and begin to make better choices going forward.
Good for you on takin back the phone. Keep moving onward and upward girl!!!
Good for you on takin back the phone. Keep moving onward and upward girl!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Sometimes I seem to just need to test the waters again to see if it is really AH who is behaving badly, or if it is me. I get so sad about having left him and having filed for divorce. He wrote that he loves me and wants me back. I said no, that he had threatened me financially and emotionally. His answer refuted that on the surface, but it actually confirmed what I knew when I left. He is a controlling egomaniac who has "done good things for me", except he's forgotten that he did them with MY money....
So, you've done a reality check, and the reality ain't good. Good thing to know, and what's important is not that you fell for his line, but what you want to do next. Think that one through really carefully, and take care of yourself, not him.
And about the phone, it is YOUR phone, and YOU paid for it, which was very nice of you. So, it is YOURS to take away. Bad behavior has consequences, and you are entitled to inflict them!
Stay here with SR, I'm in a crisis myself right now, and I can't imagine how I would get through it without all these caring, kind, supportive people here who tell it like it is. Keep posting!
BothSidesNow
So, you've done a reality check, and the reality ain't good. Good thing to know, and what's important is not that you fell for his line, but what you want to do next. Think that one through really carefully, and take care of yourself, not him.
And about the phone, it is YOUR phone, and YOU paid for it, which was very nice of you. So, it is YOURS to take away. Bad behavior has consequences, and you are entitled to inflict them!
Stay here with SR, I'm in a crisis myself right now, and I can't imagine how I would get through it without all these caring, kind, supportive people here who tell it like it is. Keep posting!
BothSidesNow
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Perky and ((((hugs)))).
One thing that really helped me was working on the internal dialogue in my head. If you change the wording to reflect reality it becomes:
When you look at it that way is simply becomes so what. It's my phone and I can do what I want with it.
Sometimes looking at things from a different perspective can really change how you feel about them. I know this was a very useful tool for me.
As I got better at this I began to switch my thinking to this is my life and I can do what I want with it. Very liberating.
Your friend,
he is mad at me for taking his phone! The phone I bought and pay for!
he is mad at me for taking MY phone! The phone I bought and pay for!
Sometimes looking at things from a different perspective can really change how you feel about them. I know this was a very useful tool for me.
As I got better at this I began to switch my thinking to this is my life and I can do what I want with it. Very liberating.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Mother of all lies...who has naked pictures of their cousin in their bed? Wait, don't anybody answer that, there's probably somebody who knows somebody out there like that...ewww.
His lies are beyond ridiculous, beyond doubt, beyond wool over your eyes..they are almost laughable if they weren't so damn stupid.
Which brings me full circle to the title of your post...loving someone is not stupid, his actions are stupid, so don't blame yourself.
Love yourself and save yourself! He isn't worth it and you know it!
His lies are beyond ridiculous, beyond doubt, beyond wool over your eyes..they are almost laughable if they weren't so damn stupid.
Which brings me full circle to the title of your post...loving someone is not stupid, his actions are stupid, so don't blame yourself.
Love yourself and save yourself! He isn't worth it and you know it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 6
Thanks
Thanks so much for the responses. I do need to change the dialogue in my head Mike. Thanks for that...
It's almost funny to me how much I fall for the things he says to me. How I will never find another man like him, how no one will love me the way he does, blah, blah, blah! If I change those words, I should hear; I hope I never find another man like him. I hope no one loves me the way he does because I deserve to be loved so much better!
Honestly, I loved him for who I thought he could be. I believed in who he said he was. Realistically he was never that guy or even capable of being the man I needed. I loved a ghost and I have wasted the last 4 years of my life. I thrived on helping him out of all of his sticky situations. Unfortunately, my soul and my checkbook suffered. I'm not the kind hearted person I used to be. I think I will always feel like someone is trying to get something over on me....
Anyway, thanks for the support! It is truly amazing how much better it makes me feel!
It's almost funny to me how much I fall for the things he says to me. How I will never find another man like him, how no one will love me the way he does, blah, blah, blah! If I change those words, I should hear; I hope I never find another man like him. I hope no one loves me the way he does because I deserve to be loved so much better!
Honestly, I loved him for who I thought he could be. I believed in who he said he was. Realistically he was never that guy or even capable of being the man I needed. I loved a ghost and I have wasted the last 4 years of my life. I thrived on helping him out of all of his sticky situations. Unfortunately, my soul and my checkbook suffered. I'm not the kind hearted person I used to be. I think I will always feel like someone is trying to get something over on me....
Anyway, thanks for the support! It is truly amazing how much better it makes me feel!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I understand.....oh how I have been there w my XABF....you would not believe the number of times I fell for it too....only to find the other women roaring her drunk head! It's ad enough to deal with the bottle throw in another women! In my case she was/is a horrible drunk too. I wont tell my patheic story....takes too long but it's a story of drama! Count your blessings.....run run!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
As my (addiction specialist) counselor often says "You got a reality check. Now, what are you going to do about your reality?"
You are not stupid. You just got a reality check. You sound like you are very smart and have great resolve to dump this loser and move on to a better life. Don't waste another moment of your life on this guy. Run, don't look back.
You are not stupid. You just got a reality check. You sound like you are very smart and have great resolve to dump this loser and move on to a better life. Don't waste another moment of your life on this guy. Run, don't look back.
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