Just Dating and don't know what to do or how to help...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Claremore, OK
Posts: 3
Just Dating and don't know what to do or how to help...
I have been dating a wonderful man and am head over heels in love with him. He was honest from the get-go that he had been an alcholic and was 7 months sober. We had plans for last night and when I arrived to pick him up, he was at a bar and definately under the influence. I brought him home but we of course did not have the nice evening that we had planned and in the course of the evening I also discovered that he had a joint on him. So he has definately falling back in to old habits. He passed out on the couch for a few hours and then once he got up and around he passed out while setting on the toilet (which was, according to him my fault for allowing it). I didn't attempt to talk to him about it last night as there is point in trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is drunk; this morning it was the elephant in the room that was avoided. He was very close to his father and his dad passed away about 4 months ago, I think the trigger for the drinking was that he was having to deal with his father's possesions the last few weeks and the grief and emotions were too much so he was trying to deal with them the only way he knows how.
I know that we need to talk about last night but I'm not sure what the appropriate approach is. I have no experience in my immediate circle of family/friends with addiction. I started researching @ 3 am when I couldn't sleep but this is the first site I found that I felt like might actually be able to give me good, sound advice. How do I broach the subject about last night? Everything I read says don't get him ultimatums but is telling him that he won't be allowed in my house again if he's under the influence an ultimatum or a boundry? Is telling him that I won't be in his presence if he is consuming alcohol an ultimatum or a boundry? If I tell him that I won't be in a relationship with an alcoholic who is drinking am I setting a boundry or just setting myself up to be lied to and to drive him to drink because he has lost me?
I love this man but I know that I am not willing to live that life. I don't want to be 10 years down the road, with a couple of kids and trying to decide whether to kick my husband out of the house. I know that some people are able to kick their addiction and go on to live happy lives (his dad was sober for 30+ years when he passed away)but I also know that there are many out there that are never able to recover and eventually die from their disease. I want to be supportive but I won't allow myself to be used or to enable his behavior. So, I guess I'm looking for advice and am trying to determine if there is hope for his recovery or if I would be better of to cut my losses before my heart is anu further invested.
I know from reading posts on this site that there are many wise people with good advice, I appreciate any that you can give me.
I know that we need to talk about last night but I'm not sure what the appropriate approach is. I have no experience in my immediate circle of family/friends with addiction. I started researching @ 3 am when I couldn't sleep but this is the first site I found that I felt like might actually be able to give me good, sound advice. How do I broach the subject about last night? Everything I read says don't get him ultimatums but is telling him that he won't be allowed in my house again if he's under the influence an ultimatum or a boundry? Is telling him that I won't be in his presence if he is consuming alcohol an ultimatum or a boundry? If I tell him that I won't be in a relationship with an alcoholic who is drinking am I setting a boundry or just setting myself up to be lied to and to drive him to drink because he has lost me?
I love this man but I know that I am not willing to live that life. I don't want to be 10 years down the road, with a couple of kids and trying to decide whether to kick my husband out of the house. I know that some people are able to kick their addiction and go on to live happy lives (his dad was sober for 30+ years when he passed away)but I also know that there are many out there that are never able to recover and eventually die from their disease. I want to be supportive but I won't allow myself to be used or to enable his behavior. So, I guess I'm looking for advice and am trying to determine if there is hope for his recovery or if I would be better of to cut my losses before my heart is anu further invested.
I know from reading posts on this site that there are many wise people with good advice, I appreciate any that you can give me.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,851
How long have you been dating this guy? Doesn't sound like it's been that long. He's already blaming you for things, and that is definitely addict behavior. I can't tell you whether to cut your losses and run or to hang around a while and see what happens. If it were me, knowing what I know, I'd let him go.
Regarding your questions about boundaries...boundaries are like rules you make for yourself. Deciding that you will not be involved with an active addict is a boundary. It doesn't require him to do anything or stop doing anything, it just lays out what you are and are not willing to put up with. Same with not allowing him in your home if he is drinking or drunk. He can still drink, he'll just not be welcome in your home at that time. Nothing you say or do is going to "drive him to drink." You are not that powerful. None of us are. In the same vein, nothing you say or do is going to stop him from drinking if that's what he wants to do.
Welcome to SR. This place is full of supportive people. Please do a lot of reading and especially take the time to read the stickies at the top of the front page of this F&F forum. You will find a lot of good information there. Again, welcome!
Regarding your questions about boundaries...boundaries are like rules you make for yourself. Deciding that you will not be involved with an active addict is a boundary. It doesn't require him to do anything or stop doing anything, it just lays out what you are and are not willing to put up with. Same with not allowing him in your home if he is drinking or drunk. He can still drink, he'll just not be welcome in your home at that time. Nothing you say or do is going to "drive him to drink." You are not that powerful. None of us are. In the same vein, nothing you say or do is going to stop him from drinking if that's what he wants to do.
Welcome to SR. This place is full of supportive people. Please do a lot of reading and especially take the time to read the stickies at the top of the front page of this F&F forum. You will find a lot of good information there. Again, welcome!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi OkieSunshine, welcome to SR.
Why do you need to talk about it? What do you think talking to him about it will do? Please think long and hard about the man you saw last night, and think about how his behavior made you feel. Because the man you saw last night is WHO HE IS. He only had 7 months sober; that is not a very long time. I don't know how old he is but at what age do you think he started drinking? And how many years then does that total up to that he has been drinking? Compare that to the 7 months he was sober. Hmmm...
That is a boundary.
A boundary.
That is an ultimatum. Don't make ultimatums unless you are sure you are going to follow through with it when he drinks. You seem to have good intuition about alcoholic behavior and it is good that you are considering your future with this person before you get in any deeper.
Please note, you cannot drive or cause anyone to drink. When an alcoholic drinks, it is because they want to. And you cannot be the reason why an alcoholic chooses to stop drinking. When an alcoholic chooses to drink, it is not a choice between us and the alcohol. It is a choice between drinking a drink or not drinking a drink. It has NOTHING to do with us.
My personal advice to you, after having grown up in an alcoholic home and having been involved in many relationships with both alcoholics and addicts is, leave him be. Go on with your life, without him. Turn around and walk away and go find yourself a sober man. They are much, much more trouble than they are worth. Read around the threads on this board and you will see. THIS alcoholic you are involved with is NO DIFFERENT than any other alcoholic. The disease is very predictable.
How do I broach the subject about last night?
Everything I read says don't get him ultimatums but is telling him that he won't be allowed in my house again if he's under the influence an ultimatum or a boundry?
Is telling him that I won't be in his presence if he is consuming alcohol an ultimatum or a boundry?
If I tell him that I won't be in a relationship with an alcoholic who is drinking am I setting a boundry or just setting myself up to be lied to and to drive him to drink because he has lost me?
Please note, you cannot drive or cause anyone to drink. When an alcoholic drinks, it is because they want to. And you cannot be the reason why an alcoholic chooses to stop drinking. When an alcoholic chooses to drink, it is not a choice between us and the alcohol. It is a choice between drinking a drink or not drinking a drink. It has NOTHING to do with us.
My personal advice to you, after having grown up in an alcoholic home and having been involved in many relationships with both alcoholics and addicts is, leave him be. Go on with your life, without him. Turn around and walk away and go find yourself a sober man. They are much, much more trouble than they are worth. Read around the threads on this board and you will see. THIS alcoholic you are involved with is NO DIFFERENT than any other alcoholic. The disease is very predictable.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome!
This may sound snarky, but it's not meant to be.
He is either a relapsed, active alcoholic, or just a plain active alcoholic. Alcoholics lie; it's what they do, so who you thought he was is entirely in question.
In either case, he's not dating or relationship material. Because, by definition, an active alcoholic has a relationship only with alcohol, to the exclusion of all else.
It's suggested in recovery that an earnestly recovering alcoholic not date for at LEAST a year upon earnestly embarking upon recovery. There are valid reasons for this.
You are at a crossroads that will VASTLY determine the quality of your life. Magical thinking will buy you a ticket on the train to hell, in this scenario.
CLMI
This may sound snarky, but it's not meant to be.
He is either a relapsed, active alcoholic, or just a plain active alcoholic. Alcoholics lie; it's what they do, so who you thought he was is entirely in question.
In either case, he's not dating or relationship material. Because, by definition, an active alcoholic has a relationship only with alcohol, to the exclusion of all else.
It's suggested in recovery that an earnestly recovering alcoholic not date for at LEAST a year upon earnestly embarking upon recovery. There are valid reasons for this.
You are at a crossroads that will VASTLY determine the quality of your life. Magical thinking will buy you a ticket on the train to hell, in this scenario.
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Claremore, OK
Posts: 3
Sukki, thank you for your advise. You're right, it's not been all that long but the connection is deep. You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just "click"? That's what happened and until last night, things were great but last night is not something I want to repeat. 5 years ago I buried my fiance, the man that I thought I would grow old with and this was the first man since then that I thought there might be a future with. I guess I probably knew what the right answer was (is) but just hated to admit it to myself. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom, it is appreciated.
Learn2live, in answer to why I thought we needed to talk about it? Because I felt that if I never brought the subject up that my silence would be condoning his behavior and saying to him that what happened was acceptable to me and it isn't.
Your reply was very insightful. The way the man I saw last night made me feel the way my ex-husband made me feel. Like I couldn't do anything right and that his issues were my fault. That is definately not something I am will to do again. So thank you for being so blunt, I think that is exactly what I needed to hear. I think I probably knew in my heart and head what I need to do but just couldn't admit it to myself. But the words you wrote hit me like a brick, you're right, the man he was last night is the man he is and he has been that man alot longer then the man that I fell in love with. Thank you for your honesty, I think it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Learn2live, in answer to why I thought we needed to talk about it? Because I felt that if I never brought the subject up that my silence would be condoning his behavior and saying to him that what happened was acceptable to me and it isn't.
Your reply was very insightful. The way the man I saw last night made me feel the way my ex-husband made me feel. Like I couldn't do anything right and that his issues were my fault. That is definately not something I am will to do again. So thank you for being so blunt, I think that is exactly what I needed to hear. I think I probably knew in my heart and head what I need to do but just couldn't admit it to myself. But the words you wrote hit me like a brick, you're right, the man he was last night is the man he is and he has been that man alot longer then the man that I fell in love with. Thank you for your honesty, I think it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Claremore, OK
Posts: 3
catlovermi,
doesn't sound snarky at all (to me). I have a pretty direct personality and respect when people are direct and honest with me. I know that whether he chooses to drink or not, is entirely his choice. I know that there is nothing that I can do to make him stop and I know that people can hide what they want to hide, as long as they want to hide it. Having been through a marriage once before where I spent 8 years trying to solve his problems; I know that only he can choose to solve his problems and those were some of the worst years of my life. Live2Learn's words hit home, the man I saw last night is who he really is and that's not the man that I fell in love with.
Thank you for taking the time to offer your advice; it won't go to waste.
doesn't sound snarky at all (to me). I have a pretty direct personality and respect when people are direct and honest with me. I know that whether he chooses to drink or not, is entirely his choice. I know that there is nothing that I can do to make him stop and I know that people can hide what they want to hide, as long as they want to hide it. Having been through a marriage once before where I spent 8 years trying to solve his problems; I know that only he can choose to solve his problems and those were some of the worst years of my life. Live2Learn's words hit home, the man I saw last night is who he really is and that's not the man that I fell in love with.
Thank you for taking the time to offer your advice; it won't go to waste.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by OkieSunshine 
Sukki, thank you for your advise. You're right, it's not been all that long but the connection is deep. You know how sometimes you meet someone and you just "click"? That's what happened and until last night, things were great but last night is not something I want to repeat. 5 years ago I buried my fiance, the man that I thought I would grow old with and this was the first man since then that I thought there might be a future with. I guess I probably knew what the right answer was (is) but just hated to admit it to myself. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom, it is appreciated.
Learn2live, in answer to why I thought we needed to talk about it? Because I felt that if I never brought the subject up that my silence would be condoning his behavior and saying to him that what happened was acceptable to me and it isn't.
Your reply was very insightful. The way the man I saw last night made me feel the way my ex-husband made me feel. Like I couldn't do anything right and that his issues were my fault. That is definately not something I am will to do again. So thank you for being so blunt, I think that is exactly what I needed to hear. I think I probably knew in my heart and head what I need to do but just couldn't admit it to myself. But the words you wrote hit me like a brick, you're right, the man he was last night is the man he is and he has been that man alot longer then the man that I fell in love with. Thank you for your honesty, I think it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Learn2live, in answer to why I thought we needed to talk about it? Because I felt that if I never brought the subject up that my silence would be condoning his behavior and saying to him that what happened was acceptable to me and it isn't.
Your reply was very insightful. The way the man I saw last night made me feel the way my ex-husband made me feel. Like I couldn't do anything right and that his issues were my fault. That is definately not something I am will to do again. So thank you for being so blunt, I think that is exactly what I needed to hear. I think I probably knew in my heart and head what I need to do but just couldn't admit it to myself. But the words you wrote hit me like a brick, you're right, the man he was last night is the man he is and he has been that man alot longer then the man that I fell in love with. Thank you for your honesty, I think it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by catlovermi
Welcome!
You are at a crossroads that will VASTLY determine the quality of your life. Magical thinking will buy you a ticket on the train to hell, in this scenario.CLMI
You are at a crossroads that will VASTLY determine the quality of your life. Magical thinking will buy you a ticket on the train to hell, in this scenario.CLMI
I won't tell you to leave or to stay, but I sure do like that you are opening your eyes to what his reality is, and what your reality might become. Keep vigilant and think this relationship through very carefully, and you can avoid that train ticket to hell.
I wish somebody could have shown me my future in a crystal ball some years back...SR will do that for you if you are considering bonding with an active alcoholic.
And yes, you are right, not discussing what happened would be a bad choice...like joining the ranks of those that have to keep the "famiily secrets" behind closed doors.
I would pay close attention to whether he is seriously in remorse for what happened, whether he is trying to pull the wool over your eyes while appearing remorseful, simply how he feels as if his behavior was acceptable or not, and worst of all--if he simply gets defensive about it--because that's an alcoholic in denial.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
When I was at that crossroads 2 and a half years ago, I wish I had taken the other path. Because my life did become hell. Such insanity and chaos. Climbing out of it is so hard, while they go on creating more insanity and chaos wherever they go.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by OkieSunshine
.
Everything I read says don't get him ultimatums but is telling him that he won't be allowed in my house again if he's under the influence an ultimatum or a boundry? Is telling him that I won't be in his presence if he is consuming alcohol an ultimatum or a boundry? If I tell him that I won't be in a relationship with an alcoholic who is drinking am I setting a boundry or just setting myself up to be lied to and to drive him to drink because he has lost me?
Everything I read says don't get him ultimatums but is telling him that he won't be allowed in my house again if he's under the influence an ultimatum or a boundry? Is telling him that I won't be in his presence if he is consuming alcohol an ultimatum or a boundry? If I tell him that I won't be in a relationship with an alcoholic who is drinking am I setting a boundry or just setting myself up to be lied to and to drive him to drink because he has lost me?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by OkieSunshine
I love this man but I know that I am not willing to live that life. I don't want to be 10 years down the road, with a couple of kids and trying to decide whether to kick my husband out of the house.
Originally Posted by OkieSunshine
I have no experience in my immediate circle of family/friends with addiction.
You know those "It Gets Better" videos that give strength and wisdom to LGBT teens? I've been thinking alcoholism should have its own PSA video series: "It Gets Worse"
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
