The Alcoholic is Like a Tornado

Old 07-22-2012, 09:05 AM
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The Alcoholic is Like a Tornado

This describes living with XA&ABF perfectly. The reference to the farmer is regarding dry drunks.

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"

Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st Ed., pg 82
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Old 07-22-2012, 09:45 AM
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The first time I read this in the Big Book, I cried. Such a great description.
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Old 07-22-2012, 09:48 AM
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I honestly keep thinking it was me, my fault, I needed to approach things differently. I'm too sensitive. I'm too organized. I need quiet and it's abnormal for someone to need quiet. I'm too unattractive. I didn't do enough. I didn't talk to him in the right way. I should have done this. I should have done that. I don't know what is reality anymore. I am so thoroughly confused. And hurt.
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Old 07-22-2012, 09:59 AM
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You gotta let go of that stinkin thinkin, L2L.

Addicts are not emotionally available to have intimate relationships. Period.

And from what I've seen from recovering A's...a small percentage of them go on to productive grown up lives while a large percentage of them remain emotionally unavailable, unable to take personal responsibility for themselves and their choices.

One of my favorite quotes from this forum is "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" ~ Wayne Dyer
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:23 AM
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L2L, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Your posts and sharing have helped me a great deal lately. You're not alone. I will have a few days of such clarity and then regress to thinking that I was not worth enough for my ex to embrace recovery, if only I didn't lose my temper, if only I tried to understand him more, if only I went to Al Anon years ago (he actually tried to blame everything on the fact that I didn't!), if only I could control whether the sun shone that day..lol!! Ugh. And then I have the fantasy that he will truly embrace recovery for someone else after all I went through (poor pitiful me, huh?). Like you, I also needed "quiet" and he was FAR from that! I thought I was too uptight because I could not deal with the constant chaos! I know for me all of these feelings are old childhood wounds resurfacing that I didn't fully deal with. I was reading today how these painful feelings in recovery can mean we are letting go of old ways of coping and trying to learn new ones. If we deny ourselves our greatest pain , we will keep ourselves from our deepest joy. This actually did bring me comfort. You will get through this. You have a lot to offer and I really appreciate your sharing on these boards. Big hugs to you!
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Old 07-22-2012, 11:04 AM
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I agree with Suzy, pain is part of growing. I have been through a very painful time but I feel in a strange way a better person for it, more accessible and considerate of others for one. Keep going!
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Old 07-22-2012, 12:18 PM
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(((L2L))) It's painful to lose something. You don't deserve to feel all this pain.

I empathise with your desire to have all the things that most A's can't give us.

You have the power to overcome this pain, don't give it away to your X.

Thanks for your sharing.
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Old 07-22-2012, 12:34 PM
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Hiya Learn2Live-
I can totally sympathize with your pain as I was going through the same thing. Beating up on myself for all the dumb things he said to me, I should have been neater, I should have been more outgoing, I should have been nicer to his friends (they were alcoholics too, I was trying to avoid them), I should have been more sympathetic. It does wear down on your self-esteem after a while but I realized he would never be happy no matter WHAT I did, because of his drinking he was a miserable grouch and I was the one getting stomped all over like a doormat while he continued to drink like a lunatic no matter what I said. Constant chaos is their modus operandi!

No, it is not your fault! As long as you are in a relationship with an addict there is a third party in your relationship and that's the substance abuse. Do you know how many nights I spent feeling sorry for myself thinking, "Dang it, he loves Grey Goose more than he loves me" ?

I had to go to a therapist to get my OWN thinking straightened out. Please stop blaming yourself for what happened, I've been doing much of the same thing but I know it isn't my fault either! Falling in love with an alcoholic sucks. Hang in there....
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Old 07-22-2012, 01:21 PM
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I honestly keep thinking it was me, my fault, I needed to approach things differently. I'm too sensitive. I'm too organized. I need quiet and it's abnormal for someone to need quiet. I'm too unattractive. I didn't do enough. I didn't talk to him in the right way. I should have done this. I should have done that. I don't know what is reality anymore. I am so thoroughly confused. And hurt.
hey lady, stop reading my thoughts, k?
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Old 07-22-2012, 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
You gotta let go of that stinkin thinkin, L2L.

Addicts are not emotionally available to have intimate relationships. Period.

And from what I've seen from recovering A's...a small percentage of them go on to productive grown up lives while a large percentage of them remain emotionally unavailable, unable to take personal responsibility for themselves and their choices.

One of my favorite quotes from this forum is "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" ~ Wayne Dyer
What confuses me so much is that he used to be so loving and attentive. And then all of a sudden that changed. I just keep blaming myself. I think that is what happens when you are as sensitive as I am, and just naturally without thinking, adapt to what other people want, and get involved with a person who blames everyone else for every single thing. He just can't look at himself. He gets fired from his job and he blames the owner. He gets a divorce and he blames the XW. The children have issues and he blames the XW. He decides to walk out on me and he blames me. No personal accountability. No reflection on what might have gone wrong.

I don't know how I got here. And I'm disappointed in myself because I SHOULD know how I got here. I guess it's like Anvil said a couple weeks ago, when did I abandon myself?
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Old 07-22-2012, 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by SuzyMarie View Post
L2L, I am sorry you are feeling this way. Your posts and sharing have helped me a great deal lately. You're not alone. I will have a few days of such clarity and then regress to thinking that I was not worth enough for my ex to embrace recovery, if only I didn't lose my temper, if only I tried to understand him more, if only I went to Al Anon years ago (he actually tried to blame everything on the fact that I didn't!), if only I could control whether the sun shone that day..lol!! Ugh. And then I have the fantasy that he will truly embrace recovery for someone else after all I went through (poor pitiful me, huh?). Like you, I also needed "quiet" and he was FAR from that! I thought I was too uptight because I could not deal with the constant chaos! I know for me all of these feelings are old childhood wounds resurfacing that I didn't fully deal with. I was reading today how these painful feelings in recovery can mean we are letting go of old ways of coping and trying to learn new ones. If we deny ourselves our greatest pain , we will keep ourselves from our deepest joy. This actually did bring me comfort. You will get through this. You have a lot to offer and I really appreciate your sharing on these boards. Big hugs to you!
SuzyMarie, thank you so much for your kind and loving words. They truly touch my heart. I wish I had some moments of clarity but my feelings overwhelm me. I feel dead inside. I also thought I was too uptight because I couldn't deal with the constant chaos. Day after day it was problem and problem, complaint after complaint and I tried to teach him everything I know to help him calm down, help him relieve some of his anxiety. But he would never stick with any of it, even though he said he liked these things and wanted to do them every night (like yoga and deep breathing and other relaxation methods). Thank you so much for sharing all you shared in your post. I don't feel so alone.
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Old 07-22-2012, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB View Post
Hiya Learn2Live-
I can totally sympathize with your pain as I was going through the same thing. Beating up on myself for all the dumb things he said to me, I should have been neater, I should have been more outgoing, I should have been nicer to his friends (they were alcoholics too, I was trying to avoid them), I should have been more sympathetic. It does wear down on your self-esteem after a while but I realized he would never be happy no matter WHAT I did, because of his drinking he was a miserable grouch and I was the one getting stomped all over like a doormat while he continued to drink like a lunatic no matter what I said. Constant chaos is their modus operandi!

No, it is not your fault! As long as you are in a relationship with an addict there is a third party in your relationship and that's the substance abuse. Do you know how many nights I spent feeling sorry for myself thinking, "Dang it, he loves Grey Goose more than he loves me" ?

I had to go to a therapist to get my OWN thinking straightened out. Please stop blaming yourself for what happened, I've been doing much of the same thing but I know it isn't my fault either! Falling in love with an alcoholic sucks. Hang in there....
Thank you for sharing ZiggyB.

XABF had no friends. I don't know why. His only friends were me and his sister. He avoided the people at work at first because they were all heavy drinkers and partiers, they would drink at work. And he wanted to be clean and sober in the beginning. But I think he relapsed on the pot some time ago. I don't know when but he started having red eyes every day. And started acting strange.

It did wear down my self-esteem. But he had been so in love with me and that really boosted my self-esteem. And I think when he stopped giving me attention, my self-esteem plummeted. And I began to feel horrible about myself, unattractive, unlovable. Just horrible. I have become a different person from who I was before we met. When we met, I was in the BEST place I had EVER been in my entire life. And now, I am back to square one.

I feel so ashamed that he walked out on me. Who could possibly understand this?
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Old 07-22-2012, 02:59 PM
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Originally Posted by shawty80 View Post
hey lady, stop reading my thoughts, k?
Oh shawty, I am so glad I have you to go through this with. I wish you weren't all the way out in TX, or we could hang out together. And maybe my heart would not feel so very dead.
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Old 07-22-2012, 03:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
SuzyMarie, thank you so much for your kind and loving words. They truly touch my heart. I wish I had some moments of clarity but my feelings overwhelm me. I feel dead inside. I also thought I was too uptight because I couldn't deal with the constant chaos. Day after day it was problem and problem, complaint after complaint and I tried to teach him everything I know to help him calm down, help him relieve some of his anxiety. But he would never stick with any of it, even though he said he liked these things and wanted to do them every night (like yoga and deep breathing and other relaxation methods). Thank you so much for sharing all you shared in your post. I don't feel so alone.
Wow, we must be living in a parallel universe. I tried to get mine to calm down as well and go to therapy or anger management and stop complaining about everything I did all the time. It sucks going through this but please know you are not alone...
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Old 07-22-2012, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by dancingnow View Post
(((L2L))) It's painful to lose something. You don't deserve to feel all this pain.

I empathise with your desire to have all the things that most A's can't give us.

You have the power to overcome this pain, don't give it away to your X.

Thanks for your sharing.
Thank you dancingnow. I lost my power long ago, when I again let someone else take over my life. I don't know why I keep doing this.
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Old 07-22-2012, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB View Post
Wow, we must be living in a parallel universe. I tried to get mine to calm down as well and go to therapy or anger management and stop complaining about everything I did all the time. It sucks going through this but please know you are not alone...
I'm not a mental health professional. I'm not a doctor. My house is not a rehab and I don't hold AA or NA meetings in my living room. I'm just a woman doing her best to have a normal life and take care of my responsibilities and my family. I have limitations of my own. Limitations that make life more difficult on a daily basis. And I'm always having to compensate for those limitations. If only you knew.

Then someone moves in here and is not accountable, not responsible for HIS limitations, or HIS growth, or HIS Recovery, and that affected me severely. I became a prisoner in my own home, unable to speak up for myself. Constantly running around trying to help him and neglecting myself. Unable to get my own needs met. Not to mention my relationship needs.
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Old 07-22-2012, 03:23 PM
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I feel so ashamed that he walked out on me. Who could possibly understand this?
L2L, I understand this, even though I had convinced myself I was better off without him. I was still ashamed that the effort I made was for nothing.
I do have the feeling sometimes that I will never get a partner who is willing to hang on when things get tough like I am. Not just the effort was enough, somehow I am not enough. I mean he chose drinking and crack over me and my kids. Even I know (as a drunk) it was not a choice he could make, he never made a good choice.
so, what does that make me?
It is very tiring and heartbreaking to feel misunderstood and alone.
I am lonely today. And I am sorry you are feeling this way today L2L.
I understand.

Beth
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Old 07-22-2012, 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
L2L, I understand this, even though I had convinced myself I was better off without him. I was still ashamed that the effort I made was for nothing.
I do have the feeling sometimes that I will never get a partner who is willing to hang on when things get tough like I am. Not just the effort was enough, somehow I am not enough. I mean he chose drinking and crack over me and my kids. Even I know (as a drunk) it was not a choice he could make, he never made a good choice.
so, what does that make me?
It is very tiring and heartbreaking to feel misunderstood and alone.
I am lonely today. And I am sorry you are feeling this way today L2L.
I understand.

Beth
Thank you Beth. I am so glad I have you. I don't think I have ever felt so ashamed in my life. And I just don't know why. His sister told me that I am now seeing the REAL him, that I never knew the real him. That all the things he told me in the beginning were simply him telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. I guess you call that manipulation. My heart is broken and I feel like I am never going to be able to repair it this time.
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Old 07-22-2012, 03:39 PM
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Oh shawty, I am so glad I have you to go through this with. I wish you weren't all the way out in TX, or we could hang out together. And maybe my heart would not feel so very dead.
that would be awesome! ROAD TRIP!!! your posts speak to my heart on SO many levels. you have guts, wisdom, kindness, directness, honesty, and genuine concern. you *get me* even on your worst (and my worst) days. today you need to try to OWN your awesomeness. we all can see your brilliant light shining through. screw him for taking it away from you for even a second!!!

I feel so ashamed that he walked out on me. Who could possibly understand this?
ME! ME! i totally understand this!!! i think i'm doing okay, and then in an instant it changes. i've still not found the motivation to unpack all of my damn boxes, and i barely found motivation today to put my laundry away, which is NOT like me, cause i LOVE doing laundry (sick, eh?). i keep cycling through the garbage he spouted about loving me, then not feeling the spark, then being more in love with me than ever, then kicking me out, then telling my mom that he loves me, and in the same breath that we don't work as a couple. wtf?!? if i wasn't crazy before, i am now. and i LET him do this to me!!!
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Old 07-22-2012, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by shawty80 View Post
that would be awesome! ROAD TRIP!!! your posts speak to my heart on SO many levels. you have guts, wisdom, kindness, directness, honesty, and genuine concern. you *get me* even on your worst (and my worst) days. today you need to try to OWN your awesomeness. we all can see your brilliant light shining through. screw him for taking it away from you for even a second!!!

ME! ME! i totally understand this!!! i think i'm doing okay, and then in an instant it changes. i've still not found the motivation to unpack all of my damn boxes, and i barely found motivation today to put my laundry away, which is NOT like me, cause i LOVE doing laundry (sick, eh?). i keep cycling through the garbage he spouted about loving me, then not feeling the spark, then being more in love with me than ever, then kicking me out, then telling my mom that he loves me, and in the same breath that we don't work as a couple. wtf?!? if i wasn't crazy before, i am now. and i LET him do this to me!!!
I understand what you mean about the garbage he spouted. It is so confusing. I keep asking myself, "Was ANY of what he said true? Or was it all just manipulation?" I feel like such a fool for ever believing the things he said.

Funny, I love doing laundry too shawty. I think I did 10 loads this weekend to catch up from neglecting EVERYTHING these past few weeks because I have been so devastated by the lies he told and what he has done.
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