She drank tonight, and I don't know what to do
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
She drank tonight, and I don't know what to do
It came out of nowhere and kinda knocked me back on my ass.
After two weeks home from in-patient my GF suggested we go on a camping trip with some friends. The trip had been planned for a couple weeks and included some mutual friends who were aware of what she had been through and were very sympathetic. My GF and I discussed the issue that there would be alcohol there over and over and she continually said, "If I ever feel weak or am worried about myself then I will just leave."
Well the day went fine as we sat by the lake and rafted canoed and swam. She was laughing and really enjoying the company of a few of our close friends. We went back to the campsite before everyone else and I was setting up the tent, which is when she must have snuck off to one of the other couples cooler and taken what ended up being a pretty hefty pull of vodka. It took about twenty minutes for the full effects of the alcohol to hit her and then she was visibly intoxicated. In a very non-confrontational way I looked at her and let her know I could tell she was drunk. She vehemently denied it up and down for about ten minutes. Even without me suggesting it, which I've learned not to do.
When she went to sit down by the fire she lost her balance and almost fell into the fire, in front of the people we were camping with. At that point I picked her up and walked her to a log by our tent so she could sit down. She broke down and started crying and admitted she had been drinking. I sat with her for a minute, by then I had already decided to take her home so I packed up our tent and the rest of the gear. Since everyone knew the situation they were very supportive and nice about everything.
But what do you say at that point? What do you talk about on a 2 hour car ride home?
There wasn't much conversation on the way home. I woke her up every fifteen minutes or so, just to make sure she hadn't hit her head and had a concussion and to make sure she was ok, not knowing the amount of vodka she consumed.
She apologized profusely and I reminded her I wasn't angry. Because I'm not really angry. It's a hard process and I know she isn't gonna be perfect with it.
But how do I be supportive? How do help them without enabling? How can you listen to them when they say they are ready for something, you know damn well they aren't ready for (i.e. being around alcohol).
New to the site so sorry if there is something against the rules in this post. THANKS
After two weeks home from in-patient my GF suggested we go on a camping trip with some friends. The trip had been planned for a couple weeks and included some mutual friends who were aware of what she had been through and were very sympathetic. My GF and I discussed the issue that there would be alcohol there over and over and she continually said, "If I ever feel weak or am worried about myself then I will just leave."
Well the day went fine as we sat by the lake and rafted canoed and swam. She was laughing and really enjoying the company of a few of our close friends. We went back to the campsite before everyone else and I was setting up the tent, which is when she must have snuck off to one of the other couples cooler and taken what ended up being a pretty hefty pull of vodka. It took about twenty minutes for the full effects of the alcohol to hit her and then she was visibly intoxicated. In a very non-confrontational way I looked at her and let her know I could tell she was drunk. She vehemently denied it up and down for about ten minutes. Even without me suggesting it, which I've learned not to do.
When she went to sit down by the fire she lost her balance and almost fell into the fire, in front of the people we were camping with. At that point I picked her up and walked her to a log by our tent so she could sit down. She broke down and started crying and admitted she had been drinking. I sat with her for a minute, by then I had already decided to take her home so I packed up our tent and the rest of the gear. Since everyone knew the situation they were very supportive and nice about everything.
But what do you say at that point? What do you talk about on a 2 hour car ride home?
There wasn't much conversation on the way home. I woke her up every fifteen minutes or so, just to make sure she hadn't hit her head and had a concussion and to make sure she was ok, not knowing the amount of vodka she consumed.
She apologized profusely and I reminded her I wasn't angry. Because I'm not really angry. It's a hard process and I know she isn't gonna be perfect with it.
But how do I be supportive? How do help them without enabling? How can you listen to them when they say they are ready for something, you know damn well they aren't ready for (i.e. being around alcohol).
New to the site so sorry if there is something against the rules in this post. THANKS
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Carl I am so sorry this is happening to you. It wasn't until I was near squalid poverty that I finally turned things around. Addiction is so powerful and posess's a person's body and spirit. I hope you can figure out how to help her. 
Abnormally normal
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
You're gonna find a lot of support here.
I, on the other hand, am/was in your girlfriends place. I'm sorry for what you went through. As a couple, and as and individual man dealing with an alcoholic partner.
You did the right thing by leaving. For both of you.
What do you do for the two hr ride home? You let her sleep it off, and you do some serious thinking.
I'm/was, an alcoholic girlfriend, and the only thing I can tell you is that there's nothing you can do or say to make her stop. It has to come from her. The hard part is, not even she knows when that will be.
So, you have to decide how much of this you're willing to take? But know that the longer you stay, the more hurt, disappointment you're gonna go through.
As an alcoholic, and my personal demons, I can tell you that I love my SO. And I hate like hell what I put him through. But it didnt matter to me, until it mattered to me.
No matter how much I talked myself and to others about how much I was ready to be "normal" and live a sober life, there was something in the back of my mind that knew I wasnt done with it. Believe me, I wanted to believe, with all my heart that I was. I hated being who I was. There's no feeling like hating something so much and wanting it so bad at the same time. It's conflicting and it messes with you, bad.
But, like I said...an addict isn't done, until they're done. And nobody knows when that is.
It sounds like you love her dearly. And that's heartbreaking. Because he was the same way.
Now, after yrs of this turmoil, his wall is so high up and rock solid, that I don't think we're gonna make it.
You have to take care of yourself. Make sure you don't lose yourself in her addiction. It's so hard to get out of when you do. An addict, in some way, becomes your addiction. Nobody can help her, but her. No matter what you do. No matter how much you take care of her, or understand. It has to come from within her to want to stop.
I wish you the best...and I hope I didn't cloud your judgement further.
I, on the other hand, am/was in your girlfriends place. I'm sorry for what you went through. As a couple, and as and individual man dealing with an alcoholic partner.
You did the right thing by leaving. For both of you.
What do you do for the two hr ride home? You let her sleep it off, and you do some serious thinking.
I'm/was, an alcoholic girlfriend, and the only thing I can tell you is that there's nothing you can do or say to make her stop. It has to come from her. The hard part is, not even she knows when that will be.
So, you have to decide how much of this you're willing to take? But know that the longer you stay, the more hurt, disappointment you're gonna go through.
As an alcoholic, and my personal demons, I can tell you that I love my SO. And I hate like hell what I put him through. But it didnt matter to me, until it mattered to me.
No matter how much I talked myself and to others about how much I was ready to be "normal" and live a sober life, there was something in the back of my mind that knew I wasnt done with it. Believe me, I wanted to believe, with all my heart that I was. I hated being who I was. There's no feeling like hating something so much and wanting it so bad at the same time. It's conflicting and it messes with you, bad.
But, like I said...an addict isn't done, until they're done. And nobody knows when that is.
It sounds like you love her dearly. And that's heartbreaking. Because he was the same way.
Now, after yrs of this turmoil, his wall is so high up and rock solid, that I don't think we're gonna make it.
You have to take care of yourself. Make sure you don't lose yourself in her addiction. It's so hard to get out of when you do. An addict, in some way, becomes your addiction. Nobody can help her, but her. No matter what you do. No matter how much you take care of her, or understand. It has to come from within her to want to stop.
I wish you the best...and I hope I didn't cloud your judgement further.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Carl, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
This is such a hard road, with lots of bumps and tons of bruises.
Just do the best you can. It's up to her, you know that.
I'm so sorry you are in this sitation.
Please keep posting. Katie
This is such a hard road, with lots of bumps and tons of bruises.
Just do the best you can. It's up to her, you know that.
I'm so sorry you are in this sitation.
Please keep posting. Katie
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by carlspackler 
It came out of nowhere and kinda knocked me back on my ass.
But how do I be supportive?
How do help them without enabling?
How can you listen to them when they say they are ready for something, you know damn well they aren't ready for (i.e. being around alcohol).
She was inpatient, wasn't she? How long, 28 days? In that timeframe I am most certain they taught her the concept of People, Places, and Things. She KNOWS what she needs to avoid. What do you think, that the only reason she drank was because the other people brought it? If you ask me, she went there and hung out with those people because she WANTED to drink.
I am an alcoholic. And I do not want to drink. Therefore, I stay away from those places and people that I associate with drinking. No one can do this for me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello carlspackler, Welcome to SR!
I'm so sorry to hear about your gf's relapse. I know you want to help, but one thing I've learned early on is that sobriety is an inside job for every alcoholic. Have you ever heard about the 3C's?
You did not cause the alcoholism.
You cannot control the alcoholic.
You cannot cure the alcoholic.
At first I was so mad at the 3C's because I wanted to DO something to help, dang it! But now I see them as very freeing. It's not my fault!
I hope you will stick around, read all the threads you can. The "stickie" threads at the top of each forum contain a lot of great information.
Welcome, again. Sorry for the reason, but we are glad you're here!
I'm so sorry to hear about your gf's relapse. I know you want to help, but one thing I've learned early on is that sobriety is an inside job for every alcoholic. Have you ever heard about the 3C's?
You did not cause the alcoholism.
You cannot control the alcoholic.
You cannot cure the alcoholic.
At first I was so mad at the 3C's because I wanted to DO something to help, dang it! But now I see them as very freeing. It's not my fault!
I hope you will stick around, read all the threads you can. The "stickie" threads at the top of each forum contain a lot of great information.
Welcome, again. Sorry for the reason, but we are glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR. It sounds as if you handled everything beautifully. There isn't much more one can do without getting overly controlling.
But now you know what she can and can't handle. Right now, at least.
Keep reading and keep coming back. Early sobriety is often a long bumpy road.
Take good care,
~T
But now you know what she can and can't handle. Right now, at least.
Keep reading and keep coming back. Early sobriety is often a long bumpy road.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Dear Carl,
I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish there were a road map but, as others have mentioned above, all you can really do is take a "wait-and-see" approach. It's hard not to worry but the fact is if she wants to drink she'll drink. I felt better when I realized that.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish there were a road map but, as others have mentioned above, all you can really do is take a "wait-and-see" approach. It's hard not to worry but the fact is if she wants to drink she'll drink. I felt better when I realized that.
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