chronsweet

So, after a horrible Thursday, I have been gone from my home. I left the A to his own demise after he was arrested for choking me. I am cycling through the feelings of guilt, was I really hurt bad enough to substantiate calling the police, he may now lose his job because of it, he is going to have to leave the house due to an order from the court, he may be homeless as his brother doesn't seem to want to let him stay there.

He blamed me for the incident and didn't even acknowledge how out of control he is with the alcohol, and yet i feel guilty. I am NOT going back, i am done with the cycle but I am still just feeling so guilty, like that need to fix everything is coming back. I know I just have to remain no contact, no contact with his family, no contact with anyone who is going to manipulate me into going back to insanity.

I just have to get over this feeling of guilt. I want to feel free from these emotions that are eating me alive today. Anyone have any ES&H to share?

Learn2Live

You can conquer guilt. You HAVE to. You know this, right? So what you have to do is change yourself. Everytime you feel the guilt come on, examine your thoughts. Look for what makes you think you are responsible for whatever it is you feel guilty about. Then, reframe it with the truth instead of the lie you keep telling yourself.

AH going to jail and losing his job for choking you? Clearly you did not grab his hands and wrap them around your own neck and tell him to squeeze. Did you? Who made the decision to do that? And it wasn't THAT bad?? Hello!!! He tried to strangle you! How much worse does it have to get before you care more about yourself than you care about him?

Feel guilty he'll be homeless? Jesus, even his own brother doesn't want to live with him! To tell you the truth, it sounds like he NEEDS to be homeless because he obviously shouldn't be near anyone who might **** him off.

Honestly, do you really believe you love this guy? Or is it that there something you are afraid of? Because when you truly love them, you let them go. Let them stand on their own two feet. Let him go, Chronsweet, he is just no good for you.

Learn2Live

PS You can REFUSE the guilt every time it comes up. It takes a couple days of practice but you can do it. Start by saying, out loud, everytime the guilt rises, "NOT MY PROBLEM."

LifeRecovery

Working my recovery worked me through the guilt.

It was not easy and it took me some time.

I had to really learn and work on what was mine and what was not. Only then did I let the guilt go.

pixilation

Did ypu get referred to a local crisis center? If you did,call and make an appt. if you didn't, call and make an appt. anyway. That hour of time to talk with someone who is trained in working with dv victims is priceless.
Oh, and it is NOT your fault! And the feelings are n

chronsweet

I do not even love him anymore, i guess I just feel sorry for him. Our whole relationship it has been me feeling sorry for him, me helping him, him taking the help and telling me what a piece of crap I am for expecting him to be grateful (in so many words) and that I worry more about money than people. I KNOW it's just crazy talk. I know this in my head, but my emotions get the best of me, the VERY best of me. I am NOT going back, this time I am just done. I am staying with my mom who reminds me almost on a minute by minute basis and confirms my feelings that this has been going on too long and I have to really just stay away from him and his family. I keep thinking of things I can do to help him just a little, give him more time in the house, let him have the car I paid for so he can get to work, try to smooth things over at work and while I am THINKING these things I am not acting on them at all. I just hate the feeling of guilt which causes me to want to fix the situation. I want to hold onto the illusion that he will be who I want him to be and that we will live in a happy family, him, myself and my son. The reality is it has NEVER been that way, ever.

pixilation

Stupid ipod. To continue - Feelings are normal.

marie1960

I learned in kindergarten all actions have consequences.

You have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about.

His actions of laying his hands on you are simply unacceptable. Thank goodness you were not hurt. You may not be so lucky next time.

Do not allow the guilt you are feeling today ruin your chance of living free of addiction tomorrow.

It's human nature to feel empathy when other people screw up their life. It doesn't mean you have to continue to be his victim. LearntoLive is right, this is not your problem.

Stay safe.

Seren

chronsweet

You have been through alot in the last few days! Your emotions are allowed to be all over the place. If they weren't, I would be surprised.

IMHO, guilt is a useless emotion in times like these. But it is natural. Back when my now ex-husband left me for another woman, I felt guilty. Makes no sense, but there it is.

What helped me was to keep reminding myself of the truth of the situation. Perhaps if you make a list of all the reasons why you can no longer be with him and keep it handy, that would help.

And please don't tell yourself "I wasn't hurt that badly"....what about the next time he got angry. Physical abusers typically escalate the extent and duration of their violence toward their victims. Frankly, I'm relieved you are free from him

I hope today is a better day!!

outonalimb

Chronsweet,

I think the guilt you feel is completely normal. As codependents, whenever we start to take care of ourselves...when we stick up for ourselves and refuse to participate in the disfunction any longer...we're stepping out of our comfort zone. Change is hard. It's uncomfortable. It's hard as hell sometimes. But it WILL get easier. Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. In time, you're going to feel comfortable in your new skin. I'm not sure if you go to al anon meetings. Face to face meetings really helped me through my own process of change.

Be gentle and loving with yourself right now. You've shown alot of courage and you deserve a life of peace and sanity. And so does your son. You're setting a great example for him about how someone can take charge of their life and change it for the better even though it can be hard and scary. Wow. What a lesson!

Hugs and encouragement...
Mary

neferkamichael

Chronsweet, I wished I had worried about the "money" all those years. Now that I'm coping with my chemical substance abuse problems, I don't know where the money is going to come from for my golden years if I make it that far. FANTASTIC thread.

Tuffgirl

Guilt is an appropriate feeling to have when we know we have done something wrong.

Maybe what you are feeling is not guilt? Maybe its just plain old sadness and disappointment? Grief? Fear of the unknown future you are now facing?

chronsweet

Tuffgirl,

I do feel sadness. I am not necessarily afraid of the future as I am financially able to take care of myself and my son. I feel sad for my son that he doesn't get to have a family unit with his mom and dad intact. On the flip side of that, I don't want him to continue to see his dad brow beat me daily, abuse me occassionally, try to control me, break into locked rooms I am in and constantly put me down. He calls me a ***** right in front of him. I have never cheated on him.

I do feel guilty though for calling the cops because of the consequences of what it may now do to his life, i.e. may lose his job, may have to go through a custody battle with his mother involved. I also have lashed out and hit him on a few occassions such as when he has grabbed my arms trying to get my computer away from me, grabbed my steering wheel as we were driving while calling me names. So I guess that is where the guilt part comes in. But honestly, I am not a violent person. I was in a 13 year relationship prior to this where we never touched each other physically, not ever. I honestly wouldn't have called the cops on him if he wouldn't have choked me. But I felt fear, and bewilderment and after I was released rage that he would do something that took my literal breath out of me. I think also in my head that he would not have killed me, or I don't think he would have so maybe the police call was unwarranted.

I know this is just my codependent thinking kicking in. I know I have to follow through on everything I set in motion and I will. I have my son to think about. I want him to see two people loving each other as the way a normal relationship is. He is 2 and it is still early enough to show him a different way of life, and I will do this. I was scared for so long that A would get half custody of him, but I can't be scared of that anymore. If it happens, it happens. I can only try to ensure it won't. As of right now, I have temporary custody, and that is good enough for today.

Tuffgirl

If someone grabbed your son by the throat, would you have called the cops? What if it were a stranger who broke into your house and did this to you? Would you have called the cops?

This man is a grown up - he broke some societal laws here and now has to face the consequences therein. Stand back, hold your ground, and let this happen as it may. And let go of this guilt thing...it is not a rational emotion. If anyone else did this to you, your son, or anyone else you know and love, you'd have no qualms about calling the cops. Make it so with this man, too.

You have rights, and one of those rights is to not be threatened with physical harm. By anyone.

P.S. I hope the anger kicks in - if anyone laid a hand on me I'd be mad as a wet hornet.

neferkamichael

Tuffgirl, you are FANTASTIC.

Freedom1990

I agree. Please contact a DV counselor.

lillamy

Part of what gets broken in us when we live with addicts is our ability to determine where we end and where the addict begins; what's theirs and what's ours.

You are taking on guilt for something he chose to do.

Tuffgirl's way of thinking has helped me a lot: Would you accept this kind of behavior from anyone else in the universe? and worry about the consequences? If someone jumped me on the street and tried to strangle me, I wouldn't worry about why they did it or what happened to them after the cops hauled them off -- I would be thrilled that they were off the streets and out of my life.

The problem when we've lived with addicts is that we don't see them as a different person. We've become so enmeshed we lose our very fundamental self-preservation instincts.

A good friend of mine was choked until she passed out by her ABF. Someone rang the doorbell, he freaked out and ran out of their house. When she woke up in the ER, she didn't want to press charges. Not until the doctor said, "your friend who rang the doorbell? If she had stopped on the steps to tie her shoe, you wouldn't be under medical care, you would be under autopsy right now."

You absolutely have the right to protect yourself. You have an absolute right to protect yourself. Keep explaining that to yourself until you believe it. Keep detaching until you feel that you've found your own boundaries again, where you end and where other people begin.

I have been where you are.
Feeling guilty about the consequences of calling the cops on a man who wanted to kill me.
It sounds nuts when someone else talks about it.
It kind of is nuts.
And you can get away from nuts. You can and will heal, and you can and will build a life free from fear and guilt. I have. You can.

ChasingJme03

I work for a Domestic Violence nonprofit. Feelings of guilt are normal, especially when he says you are the reason he choked you. For us, choking is a huge red flag that the violence will increase. It is very scary and I am so glad that you did do what you did. He may lose his job but probably not. We still have lawyers, doctors and police officers that are known abusers. Please keep yourself safe.

akrasia

As others have mentioned above, it's crazy how common the guilt can be! One of my worst memories in a relationship is of being assaulted and then sobbing "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." What? I have no idea what that's about, but there it is.

I hope you get some support. Thinking of you.

bamboo10

I know it's hard but he physically hurt you. You should not
Feel guilty. Just like you didn't cause his alcoholism, cant cure it and can't
Control it, you also can't control his actions. Whether or not he was drunk-he threatened your life, and you cannot feel guilty for that. You need to
Think about yourself.