Closet/functioning alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Tacoma, WA
Posts: 6
Closet/functioning alcoholic.
I am a closet alcoholic, as well as functioning. I work everyday and drink at work while hiding in the bathroom. I have 3 kids all under 4 and I try not to drink around them, though a few times I havent been able to help myself and have had a couple (literally 2) drinks while driving them.
I am terribly ashamed of myself for this, though I am a damn careful driver when driving and drinking. I have never had an accident or been pulled over (knock on wood) but I know it is not worth the risk. I am sickened by my lack of control.
In this alcoholism, I feel very alone as no one knows I have this problem and I intend to keep it that way, though I desperately wish I had someone to talk to who could relate.
Anybody there?
I am terribly ashamed of myself for this, though I am a damn careful driver when driving and drinking. I have never had an accident or been pulled over (knock on wood) but I know it is not worth the risk. I am sickened by my lack of control.
In this alcoholism, I feel very alone as no one knows I have this problem and I intend to keep it that way, though I desperately wish I had someone to talk to who could relate.
Anybody there?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Gulf Coast
Posts: 28
Welcome Rigginsdoo! I am new here and not a subject matter expert, but from my limited experience it sounds like at times alcohol is more in control than you. People here are real helpful, if you hang around a bit I am certain some one will come along with a few words much wiser than mine.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, Rigginsdoo -
I can definitely relate.... I hid my drinking from everyone, too, though I know I worried my kids sometimes. It took a lot of plotting and planning, like dashing to the store when I thought no one would notice and making sure I didn't drink so much that I wouldn't appear sober.
Eventually, it just got too hard to live that way, with the hangovers, guilt and anxiety..... I was so relieved to find this forum and know I wasn't alone. You're not alone either - keep reading and posting!
I can definitely relate.... I hid my drinking from everyone, too, though I know I worried my kids sometimes. It took a lot of plotting and planning, like dashing to the store when I thought no one would notice and making sure I didn't drink so much that I wouldn't appear sober.
Eventually, it just got too hard to live that way, with the hangovers, guilt and anxiety..... I was so relieved to find this forum and know I wasn't alone. You're not alone either - keep reading and posting!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I think most of us here can relate to what you are feeling - it does sound like the alcohol has control of you. Why do you want to keep it hidden? For me I found that telling people that I wished to reduce or stop my drinking actually helps with the process. Do you think there is someone you can talk to about it, like a therapist?
I think most of us here can relate to what you are feeling - it does sound like the alcohol has control of you. Why do you want to keep it hidden? For me I found that telling people that I wished to reduce or stop my drinking actually helps with the process. Do you think there is someone you can talk to about it, like a therapist?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Tacoma, WA
Posts: 6
Thank you
Thank you for your quick replies. I have a weird kind of system that I use.
I rarely drink around my wife and kids, so I find excuses to leave when i am 'stuck' at home. I will find some chore that needs to be taken care of away from home, like filling up the water jugs or dropping off something at the library and will get in a quick couple drinks while away.
My wife is constantly wondering why I take so long to go anywhere.
I feel like a real jerk.
I just want to feel good. I have been on antidepressants and antianxiety meds for years.
I started taking paxil in 11th grade when I was 18 and it was amazing the way it transformed me! I went from it being impossible to talk to anyone I didnt know to me being completely outgoing and willing to talk to anybody... And I mean ANYBODY!
My friends would dare me to talk to someone and I COULD! It was wonderful!
Then as time went on, and no matter what girl I asked out would shoot me down, and I asked out a few dozen girls I liked, I began to think there was something wrong with me, and the paxil lost its effect as I began to get more and more depressed.
Then when I was 24, I was drunk one night and my sisters and mom who I was living with at the time had made me promise if I was too drunk to drive I would call them for a ride, so I had called my sister for a ride and her friend who said she thought was cute came to pick me up.
When I hit on her she didnt back away and I ended up asking her out.
We got married a year later because I was afraid to leave her and end up alone again even though I knew we werent right for eachother.
6 years later we are still together and we have 3 kids. She is ok when she is in a food mood, but she is NOT my dream girl or even close for that matter.
I still cant talk to people very easily and am effexor and viibryd for anti anxiety. I am very sad as my life hasnt turned out the way I really prayed it would. I drink to numb the pain and to make it much easier to talk to people.
I have gone through withdrawals from paxil, percocet (4 times), vicodin (5 times), methadone (dont ask) once, effexor (due to missed dosage) 2 times and alcohol 6 times. Each withdrawal gives the same effect. A tention and aching pain inn my stomach right above my belly button.
I am a fat, bald, addict and I am a failure at life.
I will never be suicidal because I care way too much about my friends and family and I know it will only cause them lasting pain.
I know. Having friends and family is a reason to not be depressed in itself, but I very, very rarely see my friends since I got married as they dont get along with my wife and my wife dislikes them. My family is also alienated by my wife, so I only seem to speak to them via text and phone calls.
Rant. I know. I'm sorry. I'm lonely. I loce my children and I guess thats all I really need, but they arent much of a shoulder to lean on and I wouldnt put them in that position anyway.
-aw hell.
-riggins
The
I rarely drink around my wife and kids, so I find excuses to leave when i am 'stuck' at home. I will find some chore that needs to be taken care of away from home, like filling up the water jugs or dropping off something at the library and will get in a quick couple drinks while away.
My wife is constantly wondering why I take so long to go anywhere.
I feel like a real jerk.
I just want to feel good. I have been on antidepressants and antianxiety meds for years.
I started taking paxil in 11th grade when I was 18 and it was amazing the way it transformed me! I went from it being impossible to talk to anyone I didnt know to me being completely outgoing and willing to talk to anybody... And I mean ANYBODY!
My friends would dare me to talk to someone and I COULD! It was wonderful!
Then as time went on, and no matter what girl I asked out would shoot me down, and I asked out a few dozen girls I liked, I began to think there was something wrong with me, and the paxil lost its effect as I began to get more and more depressed.
Then when I was 24, I was drunk one night and my sisters and mom who I was living with at the time had made me promise if I was too drunk to drive I would call them for a ride, so I had called my sister for a ride and her friend who said she thought was cute came to pick me up.
When I hit on her she didnt back away and I ended up asking her out.
We got married a year later because I was afraid to leave her and end up alone again even though I knew we werent right for eachother.
6 years later we are still together and we have 3 kids. She is ok when she is in a food mood, but she is NOT my dream girl or even close for that matter.
I still cant talk to people very easily and am effexor and viibryd for anti anxiety. I am very sad as my life hasnt turned out the way I really prayed it would. I drink to numb the pain and to make it much easier to talk to people.
I have gone through withdrawals from paxil, percocet (4 times), vicodin (5 times), methadone (dont ask) once, effexor (due to missed dosage) 2 times and alcohol 6 times. Each withdrawal gives the same effect. A tention and aching pain inn my stomach right above my belly button.
I am a fat, bald, addict and I am a failure at life.
I will never be suicidal because I care way too much about my friends and family and I know it will only cause them lasting pain.
I know. Having friends and family is a reason to not be depressed in itself, but I very, very rarely see my friends since I got married as they dont get along with my wife and my wife dislikes them. My family is also alienated by my wife, so I only seem to speak to them via text and phone calls.
Rant. I know. I'm sorry. I'm lonely. I loce my children and I guess thats all I really need, but they arent much of a shoulder to lean on and I wouldnt put them in that position anyway.
-aw hell.
-riggins
The
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome Rigginsdoo 
you'll find a lot of support here - and a lot of ideas.
Are you open to the idea of face to face support (counselling, AA or some other recovery group) or are you wedded to the idea of trying to do this on the downlow?
Whatever you do, tho please stop the drinking and driving...your life, the lives of your family, and the lives of everyone else on the road are way way too important to be knocking on wood about, don't you think?
D
you'll find a lot of support here - and a lot of ideas.
Are you open to the idea of face to face support (counselling, AA or some other recovery group) or are you wedded to the idea of trying to do this on the downlow?
Whatever you do, tho please stop the drinking and driving...your life, the lives of your family, and the lives of everyone else on the road are way way too important to be knocking on wood about, don't you think?
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Just in case you don't know, alcohol causes anxiety and depression and it gets worse over time. It also nullifies the effects of antidepressants and combines with anti-anxiety meds to make the rebound effect even worse.
I actually found that I started feeling happier, calmer and better all around when I got sober. You may find that it works that way for you too.....
I actually found that I started feeling happier, calmer and better all around when I got sober. You may find that it works that way for you too.....
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
welcome Rigginsdoo. sounds like you are trying to justify some of your drinking while acknowledging that it's wrong. you really can't have it both ways. even if you drink before you go driving, it's a problem. whether you have kids in the car or not. you say you're a failure at life but you've got plenty of life ahead of you so now's not the time to give up. if anything, you've got plenty of motivation to clean up and make some forward progress now. drinking while you're on anti-depressants is a bit silly. alcohol is a depressant. your medication has no hope of working properly if you're drinking. also, don't worry about cleaning up for your children. it's really best if you sober up for yourself. you're worth it. you might not realize it right now but when you get some sobriety under your belt it'll become clearer and clearer to you. right now, the desire is there and that's an excellent thing to start building on. anchor yourself to that desire and be willing to do the hard work! focus on the goal of staying sober through the day and doing what you have to do to be sober that day. it is possible. don't be down on yourself. that's what alcohol does to you. it saps your pride and self worth and tells you that you can't do it and that you need it to go on. you don't. you really, really don't. it's up to you to break the cycle though. alcohol will never stop telling you that you need it. you have to start telling alcohol that you don't need it. it'll cling to you like kudzu to a tree. just remember that you have the ultimate control over what you do and you can chose not to drink. it's not easy but it's within your power. you might consider AA. i've found a lot of great support and fellowship through those doors. lots of amazing support here too. wonderful people. welcome to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Tacoma, WA
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your support. I have considered AA but it would be hard to explain to those who know me but dont know of my problem as to where I have gone during that time. It only takes a few mins to down a couple drinks and head back home.
I havent drunk before driving my kids in month out of shame for myself. I just need someone to talk to when I get cravings, really. I just dont know anyone in my area that I can text while at work.
I havent drunk before driving my kids in month out of shame for myself. I just need someone to talk to when I get cravings, really. I just dont know anyone in my area that I can text while at work.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
Well coming here is a good start. It is awful not having anybody to talk to. There are lots of people here who understand what you are going through.
If you decide to go with AA maybe the "90 meetings in 90 days" would be hard to fit into your life, but it sounds like anything at this point would be a helpful first step towards positive change.
Baldness might be hard to address, but addiction is treatable and losing weight actually comes fairly easily when you stop drinking everyday. I quit drinking and started running and watching my diet about six weeks ago, and the physical change feels and looks good. Seeing success gives me something visible to feel good about, helps me stay motivated to keep sober and on a positive track. Maybe something to consider.
Thanks for posting and welcome to the board!
If you decide to go with AA maybe the "90 meetings in 90 days" would be hard to fit into your life, but it sounds like anything at this point would be a helpful first step towards positive change.
Baldness might be hard to address, but addiction is treatable and losing weight actually comes fairly easily when you stop drinking everyday. I quit drinking and started running and watching my diet about six weeks ago, and the physical change feels and looks good. Seeing success gives me something visible to feel good about, helps me stay motivated to keep sober and on a positive track. Maybe something to consider.
Thanks for posting and welcome to the board!
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
do you think that it may be your pride that's getting in the way of you seeking outside help? i'm not trying to be mean or anything, just an honest question. it's something that keeps a lot of people out of recovery for a long time. you don't have to tell anyone that you're going to an AA meeting. just that you're unavailable and if they ask, it's personal. as alcoholics, we have no problem making excuses and hiding our alcoholism. if you have to hide your recovery a little, then why not try? your nuclear family would probably need to know where you were heading off to but why would your friends need to keep tabs on you every night of the week? don't let excuses keep you away from recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Originally Posted by Rigginsdoo 
Thank you all for your support. I have considered AA but it would be hard to explain to those who know me but dont know of my problem as to where I have gone during that time. It only takes a few mins to down a couple drinks and head back home.
I havent drunk before driving my kids in month out of shame for myself. I just need someone to talk to when I get cravings, really. I just dont know anyone in my area that I can text while at work.
I havent drunk before driving my kids in month out of shame for myself. I just need someone to talk to when I get cravings, really. I just dont know anyone in my area that I can text while at work.
If you're not open to AA yet have you heard of something called AVRT? I was like you and didn't want anyone to know about my little problem so AVRT was perfect for me. Just read the book Rational Recovery or do the crash course online and use SR for support.
For me though, I did need to tell someone in real life to make it real though. It was my doctor initially, then my family. Does you wife know you drink at all. Do you drink socially together?
Spiritual Learner
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 165
Hello, welcome and you will find support and good advice here!
First and foremost the drinking and driving is dangerous, I have a friend who drove "buzzed" but not drunk and ended up killing someone. Once that happens you can't bring them back
and it will take alot more help to recover from that, it took him years just to face himself again, and in the end everybody knew he had as problem anyway! He is still in the process of forgiving himself, I can't say be careful when you drink and drive because there is no such thing! I hope and pray that God will keep you safe and anybody around you safe if you do! Sorry that this sounds harsh but the alternative is worse!!!
Being sober is a choice, a choice we make. Like most things we decide to hide (our secrets) they rule over us and we will do anything to keep them hidden. These are our chains in life. I see that you struggle with self esteem/self worth issues and beat yourself up quietly, well I do the same sometimes. I have a hard time talking to women to growing up. I would freak out or act like an idiot if a girl liked me so I ddin't have to face her. Then I thought alcohol/drugs were the solution I gained strength and courage but that attracted the wrong crowd. I still was lonely and miserable, well more alcohol/drugs helped. I hid that too from everybody well I thiought I did, they knew I had a problem, they might not have known how bad but that diddn't matter. I was living a beautiful lie. lieing to everybody and myself!
I am grateful, ever os grateful that I am free, free to be who I am defects and all, I don't have to hide behind no bottle to escape. I am free, free to look in the mirror and say you are worth it! When I realized I had a problem it took about 7-10 years to ask for help because of the same reason you have. Well I eventually lost everything, jobs, friends, family and then I started to lose myself- homeless, losing the sense to live. Then I finally asked for help- I went to A.A. (not to say this is the onlty way, but trty everyway and if they fail come in and ask for help), AA for me gave me the face to face help to stop living the lie, there are other means AVRT, SMART, etc, see a counselor, just get help. People will like you more when you really are who you are, and the biggest thing you will like who you are!!!
God bless you and keep you and others around you safe!
First and foremost the drinking and driving is dangerous, I have a friend who drove "buzzed" but not drunk and ended up killing someone. Once that happens you can't bring them back
and it will take alot more help to recover from that, it took him years just to face himself again, and in the end everybody knew he had as problem anyway! He is still in the process of forgiving himself, I can't say be careful when you drink and drive because there is no such thing! I hope and pray that God will keep you safe and anybody around you safe if you do! Sorry that this sounds harsh but the alternative is worse!!!Being sober is a choice, a choice we make. Like most things we decide to hide (our secrets) they rule over us and we will do anything to keep them hidden. These are our chains in life. I see that you struggle with self esteem/self worth issues and beat yourself up quietly, well I do the same sometimes. I have a hard time talking to women to growing up. I would freak out or act like an idiot if a girl liked me so I ddin't have to face her. Then I thought alcohol/drugs were the solution I gained strength and courage but that attracted the wrong crowd. I still was lonely and miserable, well more alcohol/drugs helped. I hid that too from everybody well I thiought I did, they knew I had a problem, they might not have known how bad but that diddn't matter. I was living a beautiful lie. lieing to everybody and myself!
I am grateful, ever os grateful that I am free, free to be who I am defects and all, I don't have to hide behind no bottle to escape. I am free, free to look in the mirror and say you are worth it! When I realized I had a problem it took about 7-10 years to ask for help because of the same reason you have. Well I eventually lost everything, jobs, friends, family and then I started to lose myself- homeless, losing the sense to live. Then I finally asked for help- I went to A.A. (not to say this is the onlty way, but trty everyway and if they fail come in and ask for help), AA for me gave me the face to face help to stop living the lie, there are other means AVRT, SMART, etc, see a counselor, just get help. People will like you more when you really are who you are, and the biggest thing you will like who you are!!!
God bless you and keep you and others around you safe!
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
I think your wife might like to know how you feel about her. I'm not sure why you had three children with someone who is "not even close" to your "dream girl" and that you knew wasn't "right" for you from the get go.
Don't you think she deserves to live a life with someone who truly loves her? I know I would be horrified if someone was married to me who felt this way and would want to know, so I could forge a life on my own and find someone who truly loves me.
I do wish you well with your recovery, but I think being honest with the mother of your children about your (lack of) feelings is an ethical start to perhaps being honest in other areas of your life.
Don't you think she deserves to live a life with someone who truly loves her? I know I would be horrified if someone was married to me who felt this way and would want to know, so I could forge a life on my own and find someone who truly loves me.
I do wish you well with your recovery, but I think being honest with the mother of your children about your (lack of) feelings is an ethical start to perhaps being honest in other areas of your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I agree when you "have to leave" I would make sure it's to an AA meeting. Drinking is bad enough, by drinking and driving is terrible. Not only are you putting your own life at risk, but others as well as your own kids if you are driving with them. Not to mention the criminal charges especially with kids in the car will likely mean jail time.
You don't want to put yourself nor your family through that.
You don't want to put yourself nor your family through that.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I hope you stop drinking and driving too.
Stopping drinking is the first step in recovery. But, that's when the hard work begins. Being honest in your life is really important. I had to face issues and relationships in my life that I had hidden from for many years. It's hard, but it's worth it.
Stopping drinking is the first step in recovery. But, that's when the hard work begins. Being honest in your life is really important. I had to face issues and relationships in my life that I had hidden from for many years. It's hard, but it's worth it.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
My alcoholism is progressive, the only way my life improves is through complete abstinance. Get that help now, make today the day you get your life back .
It took pritty much everything i'd ever worked for away, it's like that .
bestwishes M
It took pritty much everything i'd ever worked for away, it's like that .
bestwishes M
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