Leatard

I accidentally stumbled across this type of support group whilst researching for someone with an addiction, and I never even knew that this sort of thing existed until now. I always thought I was just 'depressed' about life in general and because of all the little things that had happened to me, but reading some of the things on here it became clear how much of an effect my dad drinking had on me. I don't even know where to begin. I'm 26 years old (mind you I still feel 18 atm) and I've recently just moved back to live with my dad after a chaotic and unhealthy relationship in another country.

My dad has been drinking my whole life, him and my mum divorced mostly because of it when I was 8 and his drinking got much worse then when he was on his own. He used to make so much effort to come see me as we moved a few hours away and I'd go to this seaside town with him and two other guys and we'd go fishing and go out to do things in the day. But then it would go wrong like all three of them would drink to the point where they can barely stand and I wouldn't feel right, not scared at that point but I felt uneasy and uncomfortable like it shouldn't be like that. I was around 11 when I continued to visit this place with my dad and one night one of the guys came in to my room drunk. I woke up and immediately thought it was my dad in the wrong bed, and I remember thinking this in a very innocent way. It was very dark and the only way I could tell it wasn't my dad was touching the persons face and hair, as my dad was bald. I won't go into details but from then on I became even more afraid of drunk people because of what this guy did to me at night time.

Ironically, the other guy who would not go near me was later charged for raping his wife and kids continually, so I was sort of in a pedo trap right there and my dad obliviously drinking having no clue what was going on. He never knew about it and I never told him, I have no idea why as I feel angry that he didn't do his job as a father and protect me. It feels like there is a brick wall between me and him and even thinking about telling him about this is unbearable.

I forgot about this for a long time and the only thing that seemed to have a lasting effect was needing to sleep on the inside of a bed nearest the wall if I slept at any of my friends houses. Then when I got to 15 all of a sudden I just felt like I went crazy, cutting myself, making myself sick, feeling so depressed I wanted to die. My dad would drink on the weekends and sometimes I'd miss school at the beginning of the week because he got drunk instead of taking me back to my mums. I used to sit at my computer for hours and hours to block out his drinking and I'd always feel nervous when I'd hear him drunkenly trying to open the front door.

There's really too much to write. I'll just cut it short. I feel guilty. I feel guilty all the time that he's never had another partner since my mum and that he's so unhappy that he goes out and does this to himself. Last week he fell down the stairs and I almost didn't have the physical strength to pull him up, and this happened right when a friend of mine came over. Luckily they're understanding. I feel embaressed, and sad and guilty and ashamed and angry all at once. Sometimes I'll be sad absolutely fuming and then minutes later bursting into tears thinking about how alone he is and how he can't talk to me or anyone and how he will probably die soon if this carries on.

It's got to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. People around me keep saying 'talk to him! You have to talk to him!' but there's something wrong with me. I JUST CAN'T. It doesn't matter how many times or ways someone says to approach it I just can't talk to him sober, he's irritable and just doesn't give a **** about anything I say. I don't know what to do.

It's just nice finding people who understand.

(Sorry for lengthy post it felt short!)

Rotator2

Leatard

What I'm about to share with you comes from years of experience and studying and researching addiction, codependency and recovery. I've done many workshops on these issues you are sharing about.

What you are experiencing is chronic codependency. You are the caretaker and your father is the dependent. You have been conditioned as a child to believe you are responsible for your father's well being, survival and life. YOU ARE NOT! STOP! PLEASE DO NOT TRY AND RESCUE, SAVE, CONTROL YOU FATHER ANYMORE. If you continue you will greatly damage yourself. Know that your focus on your father has keep your eyes off yourself, where they belong. I would not live with him anymore and start detaching yourself from his alcoholism. You can do this with loving boundaries, "I love you dad but I can't save you anymore", "I love you dad but you have to figure this out for yourself". Addict's will take their "caretakers" to the grave with them if they could. DETACH WITH LOVE AND STOP TRYING TO FIX AND SAVE YOUR FATHER. Also, I highly recommend you get into therapy and start getting support talking about your abuse issues.

A very good support group for your issues is Al-Anon. You can call AA central and ask where the AL-Anon meetings are held in your area. Most of the people in AL-Anon have gone through the exact same experiences.


A big hug and...may the Force be with you

lauren15

HI leatard...I urge you to listen to the post above mine. I suffer from addiction as having an alcoholic father. Al Anon has helped many people as well as myself. Co-dependency will eat you alive; it is not your fault nor your job to save him.

Try al anon..get a sponsor. you'll be grateful you did.

Leatard

Thanks for the reply, I'll look into meetings in my local area.

The thing is.. I find it really hard to talk to him. It's not like it's difficult, it's like it's impossible. When he's drunk I can because he switches into this different mode, this different person who becomes emotional about me, but at the same time doesn't ask me things about my life, just talks about himself. And when I try to talk about things I'm talked over.. but of course whatever I say when he's drunk he forgets and then when he's sober it's just this brick wall that I just can't pass. Sometimes I sit in silence repeating something over and over in my head but it wont come out of my mouth, it's torture.. I don't know why I can't say things. I know I'm scared, but I don't know why. I used to approach it when I was younger, when I visited. We'd make plans for him to stop and my brother (who is not his biological son) would help us to see how much money he would save if he didn't drink as much etc, but he would always break it and go back to drinking. I don't know when or what changed and how this happened but I stopped talking about it.

I feel like shutting myself away from him on my computer all those years ago and ignoring it made it worse and now I'm incapable of approaching the subject. I'm afraid to be confrontational with anyone for that matter, I avoid it at all costs. Even if someone else is in the wrong, or encroaching. All my relationships are like this, I seem to allow people to walk all over me to avoid them being mad with me. I don't know where this has come from..

As for not living there.. at the moment its my only option, I don't have enough money to rent a place of my own or move out. But I'm hoping in a couple of years I'll be able to.

Thanks again for replying guys.

PlasticInsanity

When I read how you felt about your dad putting you into that situation with those two guys, I imagined you felt how I've felt about my dad at times, "How can an adult knowingly drink themselves into a stupor where they aren't able to be responsible for the well-being of their child?". I've asked myself this many times, and sadly I have yet to find an answer. One day I really hope to ask my father this.

If your dad's been drinking your whole life (just like mine), then chances are very highly likely than he's been already deep in the drink since before you were born - just like mine. It took me awhile to come to terms with the fact that no matter how hard I had tried to be "good" and "perfect", no matter how much I pleaded and yelled, I couldn't have did anything differently as a child to control his drinking. He's cut down from getting drunk every excuse he could use (every weekend, social event, birthday = blacked out drunk) due to diabetes but still randomly drinks without concern for his health. I now know that I can't control his drinking, but I remind him that we all care about his health. I've noticed he has ACOA traits himself - he tries to do everything for everyone before taking care of himself. I used to hate him, but now I feel sorry for him. If he had to get blacked-out drunk he must've been in a really dark place; not that it's any excuse, as it's caused me much depression to the point of being suicidal, but it makes it easier to forgive.


You can't control his drinking, but you can control what you will put up with. For me now, when my dad is too drunk I'll get my niece ready (my sister lives with my parents with her 3-year old daughter) and take her and my sister to my house, so she's not around that behaviour. He hasn't gotten blacked-out drunk in awhile, so I think slowly my message may have gotten through. I'm not betting on it, but it's a start.

Lastly, as someone who personally devoted hours, upon hours, upon hours of my own life into the internet I really have to encourage you to find another outlet. Not to say the internet isn't useful, but all things in moderation. I used it as my own recluse, and avoided having friends outside. This really pushed me into my own bubble, and at age 16 I was convinced that if I killed myself everyone would rejoice, and "they will understand that it's all for the better". I cry for the child I never got to be, and now am working on becoming the adult I want to be. Online support is very effective, but I encourage you to start going to Al-Anon meetings for "real" support. I use the word real because it's easy to ignore something and talk yourself into thinking it's all in your head. Al-Anon has helped me accept that this is all real.