How do I recover from co-dependency?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
How do I recover from co-dependency?
Hi everyone...I have been reading all your threads and really value other members input to mine..... I have come to the mind blowing conclusion that I am definitely co-dependent. Though, I don't recognise all the traits... I honestly don't believe I am manipulative and I don't harbour feelings of anger, resentment etc etc. I lost my brother in a horrific car crash about 8 years ago - and learnt through dealing with the grief - that life is too short for those negative emotions. I have good friends and a wonderful family. I don't neglect my duties, I have a successful business and believe a postive, constructive attitude towards life.
Yet, so many of the traits ring true....and the BIGGEST one of all, is I am completely in-love with my RA (H).... and this is why I joined SR... I just cannot get him out of my head! And the fact that my dad was an alcoholic!!! Double whammy!
I wanted to ask, is it possible to 'recover' just by interacting on SR and putting into daily 'practice' the messages being taught to me through all the members, OR is professional therapy vital????
Yet, so many of the traits ring true....and the BIGGEST one of all, is I am completely in-love with my RA (H).... and this is why I joined SR... I just cannot get him out of my head! And the fact that my dad was an alcoholic!!! Double whammy!
I wanted to ask, is it possible to 'recover' just by interacting on SR and putting into daily 'practice' the messages being taught to me through all the members, OR is professional therapy vital????
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Lara,
My observation is that even this post is kind of codependent sounding.
Codependent isn't a bad thing that you "do" or is your fault.
Due to circumstances, starting with your alcoholic father, you have developed a way of dealing with certain people.
You are a lovely, caring, kind person.
You just have to identify and work on the habits/traits that lead you to give too much and put your own well-being at risk to help another.
It is about balance. You cannot zero in on one person and ignore all others.
Especially if that person, on close inspection, is not worthy of this attention.
And, most good people do not require so much from their partner.
Hope you continue to read here and maybe go to Alanon for support.
Stop being hard on yourself.
You are GREAT!
My observation is that even this post is kind of codependent sounding.
Codependent isn't a bad thing that you "do" or is your fault.
Due to circumstances, starting with your alcoholic father, you have developed a way of dealing with certain people.
You are a lovely, caring, kind person.
You just have to identify and work on the habits/traits that lead you to give too much and put your own well-being at risk to help another.
It is about balance. You cannot zero in on one person and ignore all others.
Especially if that person, on close inspection, is not worthy of this attention.
And, most good people do not require so much from their partner.
Hope you continue to read here and maybe go to Alanon for support.
Stop being hard on yourself.
You are GREAT!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There is a book that we all swear by called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, who is a recovering addict and codependent. It is probably the best book I have every read on the subject and it is written in everyday language rather than psycho babble. It helps you decide if you are codependent, and if you decide you are, it tells you how to work on making your life better and finding freedom from letting go.
For me, reading books like that, going to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings, coming to SR everyday and having a daily plan to keep myself balanced took me out of my darkest days and brought me to a wonderful place of light were I look forward to every single day.
Hugs
For me, reading books like that, going to CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings, coming to SR everyday and having a daily plan to keep myself balanced took me out of my darkest days and brought me to a wonderful place of light were I look forward to every single day.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The link below goes to one of the sticky threads above and it is taken from the book "Codependent No More" that I mentioned.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1809626
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1809626
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
First is Awareness. Which is where I think you are right now.
Then comes Acceptance of whatever it is you have become Aware of.
Then you take Action, to change only that which you can change.
As you read more about alcoholism and addiction and codependence, and as you attend each additional Al-Anon or CODA meeting, you become more Aware. You shift the focus from the alcoholic to you. And the more you hear people talk about themselves, the more your eyes open, the less it hurts to see YOU.
Then comes Acceptance of whatever it is you have become Aware of.
Then you take Action, to change only that which you can change.
As you read more about alcoholism and addiction and codependence, and as you attend each additional Al-Anon or CODA meeting, you become more Aware. You shift the focus from the alcoholic to you. And the more you hear people talk about themselves, the more your eyes open, the less it hurts to see YOU.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
The first step for me was to realise that I was as important as any other person. Many co-dependents will put everyone else's feelings and wishes above their own, especially in a relationship. We get so busy trying to make other people happy, that we lose touch with ourselves and who we are, what we like doing etc.
I don't know if this fits you but it used to describe me exactly. The first step is to start looking at what you want and enjoy and then spend some time indulging yourself a little.
Co-dependent no more is an excellent book. It described patterns in my relationships that I was vaguely aware existed. I will also highly recommend it.
I don't know if this fits you but it used to describe me exactly. The first step is to start looking at what you want and enjoy and then spend some time indulging yourself a little.
Co-dependent no more is an excellent book. It described patterns in my relationships that I was vaguely aware existed. I will also highly recommend it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
It has been my experience that seeing a therapist is quite helpful but I wouldn't go so far as to call it vital. A therapist can help you see your destructive actions and thinking patterns in a way that is difficult to do alone. Posting on here is useful for that too and so are Al-anon groups.
I think you could compare it to having a personal trainer vs. going to group classes vs. doing exercise tapes at home. All can be effective if they are utilized.
I think you could compare it to having a personal trainer vs. going to group classes vs. doing exercise tapes at home. All can be effective if they are utilized.
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