farfaraway

Do you observe your parents' birthdays or mothers/fathers day? With my father I call on fathers day, which is right before his birthday. My mother I usually send flowers or something for mothers day and her birthday. And they send me a card for my birthday and christmas. I don't really know why I do it, it's more like I feel relief when I do it.

My husband is not American and he thinks it's "typical phoney American" behavior. He believes if I got real, I probably wouldn't speak to any of them. I guess he's right.

So do any of you follow formalities with the family? And what is your motivation for doing so?

dbh

I sent my alcoholic father cards for his birthday, father's day, and Christmas until he died.

It was always a difficult tasks - needed to sort through all those "To the Best Father Ever" cards in order to find one that was appropriate.

Not sure why I did it. Was it simply a habit? I know that he was always very appreciative. I would often include pictures of my children and he would go on and on about how gorgeous his grandchildren were. When he got older, the cards and pictures were his primary connection with his family. My parents divorced when I was 15 and we all moved away.

I also wonder if a part of me was just trying to hold onto a last threads of actually having a relationship with my father.

The first Christmas after his death I actually missed our brief superficial phone call.

Thanks for bringing up the topic.

Fondly,

db

EveningRose

I don't send cards. Ever. Long story short, I finally put my foot down after two years in a row of screaming rages at holidays, said in the nicest possible way, "I'm not going to be treated like that." Upshot was a dogpile of family members explaining to me what a screw-up I am, how I'm 'just stubborn' and refuse to listen, explaining that I deserve to be treated thus, and giving me a list of (impossible) conditions which, if I could meet them (did I mention they were not even humanly possible?) would result in me being treated with the same respect given other family members.

I walked away instead, seeing it was no-win.

My mother sends me a birthday card every year gushing with love, and then proceeds to spend the rest of the year telling people, including people at my church, my friends, and my children, negative and untrue things about me.

To me, this is the height of phony. The saddest part is, she doesn't even realize it. She doesn't even see how often she has simply interpreted the facts, even twisted them if necessary, to fit what she has believed about me for years anyway. With each instance, she reinforces her own belief till it's rock solid and she is totally incapable of accepting any other explanation for these events. And she has no filter. So it's no wonder she's incapable of seeing what she's doing or the utter hypocrisy of doing damage to my name and reputation while sending cards claiming to love me.

I guess I don't feel like wasting my energy sending cards I don't even mean to people who continue to do me harm. I pray for them, I don't wish any ill on them, but I don't send cards I don't mean, either.