RAh thinks I am not responsible

Old 07-20-2012, 08:09 PM
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RAh thinks I am not responsible

Well being human I made a mistake, it does not matter what the mistake was (minor) but I found out about it while we were with our counselor. It will probably cost me a little money but no big deal all ended well. I thought my RAH was going to explode. What came out was, I think our counselor got a clearer picture of what he is like and his anger issues. Well he ended up admitting he does not really like me and thinks that I am not responsible for my stuff and he just does not understand that.

It blows my mind that he thinks like this. I have to be responsible for 3 teens, 1 dumb husband, 2 dogs, 14 chickens, 3 goats and 4 turkeys and have a spotless house while the kids, rah and dogs run in and out. I would like to know how to do this when I cannot get anyone to pick up after themselves. When I do try to clean, I am moving around his stuff and making it hard on him. Also according to him, I am too hard on our teens about picking up, who are on summer vacation. (also I use to do all our bills until he got mad that I was not doing it right, he got to do it after that)

I have not said much to him since this session. (The birds and goats were for my kids who wanted them but I am in charge of figuring out how to take care of them and what they need and who is to do what with the (mostly me)).

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Old 07-21-2012, 10:26 PM
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Sometimes I think my RAH is just a little boy waiting for his momma to show up. The perfect momma that he never had and that he expects to take care of everything perfectly the way he thinks it should be so that he does not have to deal with any stress or anxiety. I believe his once alcohol soaked brain now tells him that he actually has to face reality and it is just so hard to do when not under the influence so it must be me that is the one who will take care of everything perfectly and as we all know I am human so perfect doesn't happen and so RAH often cannot deal with this.

Maybe this is what you are talking about.

Your post made me want to rant about what happens with me and my RAH.

((((HUGS))) You have a big long list of what you are responsible for.

Sometimes I think my RAH starts looking at what I'm not doing right when he starts veering off his path of recovery and is forgetting to focus on his responsibilities. Sometimes I do the same.
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Old 07-22-2012, 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by dancingnow View Post
Sometimes I think my RAH starts looking at what I'm not doing right when he starts veering off his path of recovery and is forgetting to focus on his responsibilities. Sometimes I do the same.
I had the same experience off and on throughout the 18 months of sobriety, and now we are divorcing because he believes "God wants him to be free" and he has convinced himself that I won't live with him again (we are separated).

Factoring into that is a whole bunch of other stuff that really boils down to criticism and lack of personal responsibility and you have my stbx defined perfectly.

I believe its projecting. You know your limitations and strengths. If he doesn't appreciate it, that's his problem, not yours.

I agreed to this divorce because I am so damn tired of feeling like I have to prove myself to someone else. That is not a healthy relationship.
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Old 07-22-2012, 09:44 AM
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AXBF always had to have things his way. He would move my papers and my bills, and then bills would go unpaid because they were dumped somewhere and no one told me. I would be in the middle of working on something, and he would put things away that I still needed. We would have a project to work on, but he would not speak to me or listen to me about how I wanted to go about doing them, so it got to the point where I just would not work on the projects with him. It was very frustrating.
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:14 AM
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Well he ended up admitting he does not really like me and thinks that I am not responsible for my stuff and he just does not understand that.
I get this too, unless he wants to have sex, in which case he LOOOOOVES me and always will.

Bizarre. Even more bizarre that I played the insanity game for so long.
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