skarletstarlet

~Sorry if this doesn't make sense, its very raw. I'm desperate and I feel so alone and sad~

I miss him.

I miss him so bad. I can see us in January of 2011, not a care in the world. We could go out for a drink, have a laugh, and go home to our babies.

We lost everything in May. He lost his job, we lost the apartment. We sucked it up and moved back to my parents with the kids. We pay them very little but its nice we have somewhere to stay.

Then he failed detox in late May. He drank four days after he got out (and has drank at least 3 beers everyday since - more often than not closer to 7 beers and sometimes even 15)

He spent father's day passed out on my garage floor at 2 pm, having drank enough beer to put him there.

And yet, he gets up and goes to work every morning. COMPLETELY FUNCTIONAL!

I had to call his mom on Tuesday to come and get him and his belongings. He was drunk and threatening to sleep in his van (aka driving off my property very drunk). He ended up falling asleep in there days before, still on my driveway, and he peed himself so now his van smells like pee and is littered with beer cans.

She was very giddy and laughing with him when she was trying to coax him out of the van. I don't speak the same language as her and him but I'm pretty sure she offered him more alcohol if he would leave with her.

He is 22. He lives the life of a sixty year old alcoholic. No time for the kids, no time for me. We have a beautiful pool out back and he won't even come watch the kids swim with me, let alone getting in to swim with them.

Its me and the kids. We do everything together, and I hate having to tell our very smart 2 year old that "yes, daddy lives with grandma and grandpa" and "no, he won't be coming to visit." I took the kids over yesterday to visit and we were there five hours, he spent about two with them and then skulked off to the basement.

And yet, I miss him. I miss him sexually and emotionally. I have only dated one other guy (for 3 years in high school) and I really struggled when we broke up too. I rebounded with my XAF.

I don't think XAF misses me or the kids. I think he's super angry that I called his mom on him, but what could I do? I needed her to see what I put up with DAILY and I needed her to see what danger her son is in.

How can he hit rock bottom with his dad being an alcoholic and living there, rent free, and not having a care in the world? Help

skarletstarlet

But why doesn't he want to change?

Once my mum told him, "you know, you really need to stop this because its unhealthy and your kids deserve better"

and he said "I know I do, but in telling me that I need to stop, you are taking away my free will to choose"

ew

suki44883

Well, he does have the right and the free will to choose. It's his life, after all. However, you have just as much right and free will to decide what you will and will not tolerate in a marriage with kids. You each have choices. His choices may not be to your liking, but then, you also have the choice whether or not to continue in a relationship with him.

Seren

I wish I could tell you we have some magic words you can say to him to get him to stop.

But we don't.

He will only stop if and when he chooses to do so--when the consequences of his drinking are more painful than imagining his life without alcohol.

Can you love him, accept him, and live with him as he is right now? If not, then it may be time to make some decisions that are in the best interest of your children's and your future.

I'm sorry you are hurting

Eddiebuckle

Because what you see as a simple choice for him is nothing at all like that. He probably cannot fathom a life without the escape hatch that alcohol offers. And drinking to him is what he knows, what he is comfortable with, and part of who he sees himself as. To give up drinking is to give up himself.

The sad truth is, he likely believes all of this as real as the earth beneath his feet. How can he possibly be so blind? Because he is an alcoholic.

Furthermore, none of this has anything to do with how much he loves you, your children, or even himself. Because he is an alcholic, and when an alcoholic drinks, being second in the chain of possible options is so far from the first (to drink) as to not even exist.

None of this will change until he comes to the conclusion that there is no option other than to quit drinking entirely. Coming to that conclusion usually involves far more pain and suffering than any sane person would put themselves through, but that is what defines an alcoholic.

Keep reading and posting, there is an amazing amount of experience, strength and hope at your disposal here. Good luck.

Tuffgirl

All great advice so far. It took me a long time to let go of living between hope and a fantasy; to accept reality as it is today and make my choices based solely on that.

Learn2Live

I'd like to agree with what Hydrogi said:

And add that he will only stop when the consequence of his drinking are more painful TO HIM. Not to us. Not to the children. Our pain is great. The children's pain is just as great if not greater. But this does not stop the alcoholic from continuing to drink and cause us more pain and cause more damage to those little people. The alcoholic will do what he wants to do, no matter who is affected, or who is hurt, or how badly we are hurt. They are so very selfish.

Do not fool yourself into believing he is "functional." There is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. All that is is a method for you to continue to Deny that there is a problem. A very serious, and dangerous problem. Spending time reminiscing about all the lovey-dovey stuff that occurred yesterday or last year or whenever is also you refusing to see and accept who this person really is and what horror and neglect he is committing against you and the children.