outonalimb

How many times have I heard that?

But what does it mean, really?

Alcoholism Stages

I'm attaching a link that sets out the four stages of alcoholism. Take a good look at it. Where is your alcoholic? Where are they headed?

My exah is in the final stage...stage four. He can't stop drinking now if he wanted to without major medical intervention. He's literally drinking himself to death in a remote trailer. It's only a matter of time. And even if some miracle happens, I have to prepare myself and our kids that this might be the end result of his illness.

This is a DISEASE. No less than cancer or diabetes. I wasted so much energy being angry at my exah...trying to figure out WHY he did what he did... I've watched him progress through this disease for the last 15 years. But I didn't think it was a disease. I just thought he was a selfish SOB yet I knew underneath my anger that there was more to it than that.

He's at the end now...living alone...and it is only a matter of time before he dies a horrible death from this wicked disease. And I can see clearly now...looking back...that NOTHING I said or did over the last 15 years made one ounce of difference. The forced trips to rehab...the silent treatment...the screaming...the pleading...the crying...the manipulating...the guilting...the praying...filing for divorce...turning my back...taking him in...propping him up...scolding him...loving him...NONE of it mattered. Not one freaking bit.

The disease runs its course until the alcoholic seeks recovery...not because they are forced into it...but because THEY are done...

Please don't make the same mistakes I have made. Educate yourself about the progressive nature of this disease.

Let them hit their bottom before its too late. Stop enabling. It might be the only thing that keeps them from reaching stage four.
It's too late for my exah now...He's suffering from psychosis...He's most likely going to die in that remote trailer all by himself. And all I can do at this point is wait...and pray...and hope that somewhere deep down, underneath all his anger and pain, he knows that his kids and I love him.

This is the reality of the progressive nature of this illness.

albionel

My 29 year old brother recently had three grand mal seizures, when he tried to cut back on his drinking. For the past few months I tried to help him, thought I could help him...nothing I did or said, changed anything. If anything, trying to help an alcoholic makes the situation much more painful and agonizing...it is incredibly painful to come to the realization, that all the "I Love You's," all the crying, setting up DRs appts, recommending the alcoholic attend AA, recommending therapy, is all truly done in vain...The alcoholic needs nothing, he does not need love, he does not need security, a healthy living environment, for Gods sake, he doesnt need food, the only thing an alcoholic truly needs, is alcohol...When you think you are having an intimate moment with an alcoholic, where you profess your love for them, they are thinking about one thing, their next drink...

JustaBloke

Outonalimb, I'm so sorry for your pain.

My father who I have not spoken to in 15 years is also drinking himself to death alone in a trailer. Very slowly.

I struggle with personal responsibility vs. accepting its a disease. I don't put 100% blame on the person for the disease they have, but I don't resolve them 100% either. Maybe that's wrong. Maybe I'm not far enough along to accept that, but I am a reasonable person and people are responsible for their choices. My father brought 5 kids into this world and he chose the bottle over them after so many opportunities to get out. I cant resolve him 100% of that. Yes its a disease that he cant control anymore and I have pity, I hate the disease, but I'm still angry after all these years. I guess I have a ways to go.

Alucard

My soon to be exAW was in the fourth stage when I rediscovered her and "rescued her"....I literally had ZERO idea of her drinking. She told me she still "likes her beer" and this was like Evel Knevel stating he was going for a little ride when he was about to jump that canyon in a steam propelled rocket. I had stupidly envisioned a sober version of herself and me, living a nice quiet life in out mid forties. Married, raising kids, working, school and enjoying life as a married couple does. Fourth stage means she literally cannot stop the daily drinking from 11to 3am, she needs the alcohol to prevent tremors and probably DTs at this point. She hasnt bothered with solid foods in a long time, and her once perfect physique is testament to this. Skinny, bird like legs, and thin, atrophied arms, and an extended, abnormal abdomen, swollen. Her stomach and digestive systems are a mess from 12+ daily drinks and ulcers, and acid reflux, ect. Malnourishment and stress are causing her to slowly lose her once model like hair. And thats just the physical side. Mentally, she is starting to lose it. She is angry at the whole world, and short tempered, and easily agitated. She lives only to find and seek the next drink. This is her whole being and existence.

And the liquor has caused her financial disaster, whereas one year ago she bought a home, and was making it on her own, new house, new car, great job, and 3 loaded bank accounts, today, one year later, she lost the house, she is super close to losing the car, money is gone, she is unemployed, homeless destitute, penniless, and couch surfing with fellow alcoholics. And she just lost her new husband, moi.

Legally, she is a mess. Now an ex felon who is mortified at why she cannot instantly find work (lol) and on top of that has 2 warrants out for her arrest in two seperate counties.

I got out a week ago, after my own nerves were shot, from the stress and anxiety of dealing with her alcoholic BS....I have no tolerance for that, God Bless those who have A-spouses who will put up with it, but 4 weeks in, and I was questioning my own sanity, and was an unhappy wretch. Alcoholics waste away all the joy out of life. I want to find someone and actually be HAPPY, is that asking a lot?

amy79

Mine is in stage 3 right now. Has some symptoms of stage 4 though. Pretty scary stuff. So glad we're not together right now. Detachment is hard though.

wicked

I could never understand (even though I was drinking myself) how my father could just never could stop. He was forced to stop and sent to a VA for inpatient treatment, he got sober, the disease did not stop marching forward, he called for a cab to get booze as soon as he got back to his miserable apartment. I wish I had a few minutes with him before he called the cab, I lived about 20 minutes away, but he did not have the relationship with me that he had with booze.
I am sorry outonalimb, it sucks to just wait and watch.
I agree that everyone involved with an alcoholic get some knowledge about the disease from someone who knows.
Go to a meeting ask one of the people there what the truth is about progression.
If you ask someone in recovery, I hope they tell you the truth.
The truth might set you free, and the live you save may be your own.
The alcoholic must save themselves.

Outonalimb,

big :ghug3 for you,

Beth

sweetteewalls

I will never understand how our loved ones repeatedly choose this addiction over us. The effects of this disease are ruthless and it hurts terribly to be the wife/collateral damage.

outonalimb

You are all so kind. I am so grateful for your love and support. I know you all 'get it' and that means so much.

I spiraled out of control today...into a deep dark hole of fear. It's amazing how fast I can go there. I called my sponsor and she reminded me of some simple truths that I had forgotten. I am powerless. I have ALWAYS been powerless. The ONLY person I can help is ME.


I thank my HP that I dont' have a front row seat for my exah's disease any longer. I thank my HP that my son and I began attending alanon and alateen a little over a year ago. I know we have the tools and support we will need to deal with whatever happens...whenever it happens. I know my HP has us all in his loving care. He has my exah in his loving care too.

I'm also eternally grateful for all of you. Thanks for holding me up today. Your kind words were healing salve for spirit.

Hugs...
Mary

skarletstarlet

((hugs to OP)) this isn't your fault.... enabling or not, this is his battle...

If my XAF saw "dead" people 12 hours after he drank a 26er of whiskey by himself (only once) does that mean he is in stage four?

jamaicamecrazy

Thank you so much for sharing this. I had seen it before but needed to revisit it. I am so sorry for the pain you and your son are feeling. It is so heart breaking to see the A continue on this destructive path. I repeatedly have to grieve for my AH as his disease progresses and I wonder if it is ever too late for them to make a change because I still cling to the hope that a miracle may occur. Thank goodness we have the tools of our own recovery to help us through each day.

OhBoy

Right there with ya. My AW is eeking her way into stage 4. I have to disagree though, it's not pretty scary, it's VERY scary! And yes, detachment is very difficult at times.

ConeyIslandHigh

My AH has been knocking on 4's door and is ready and willing to be let in. Soon enough, he'll be knock, knock, knockin' on "Heaven's" door...or "Hell's", if that's where the pathological, narcissistic liars go.

It's like watching a fatal car crash in slow motion, and there is absolutely NOTHING that I or anyone else can do about it.

Thumper

Alcoholism is such a sad and tragic illness.

My xah lingered in stage two for a real long time. It was a confusing time for me. He had peaks and valleys so to speak. Something would happen and things would get better and then he'd go back down - a little deeper each time. The last two years or so were stage three I think and when I called it quits he went to stage four. 18mos or so there and then he spent a full year with in patient treatment through the VA. Apparently he is sober now. I don't really know as there is very little contact .

seriynochi

Thank you for posting this link. My AH is showing some symptoms of stage 3 right now. Such a horribly sad thing to watch.