What is wrong with me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
What is wrong with me
I feel like I am going insane, in 8 days he will be gone for 3 months and I am missing him like crazy... I am reading, posting, going to meetings, working the steps, talking with my sponsor... I will be OK part of the time and then I will feel like my world has ended.
I realize 31 years is a long time I can't just get over it over night but is this normal? I am expecting too much to fast?
My daughter wakes me up every night she says she can't sleep because I am cussing her dad in my sleep. No wonder I wake up tired. I don't know what else to do I can't let him back I refuse to start over I would just ask him to leave again at some point.
If anyone is out there I really could use some opinions right now.
I realize 31 years is a long time I can't just get over it over night but is this normal? I am expecting too much to fast?
My daughter wakes me up every night she says she can't sleep because I am cussing her dad in my sleep. No wonder I wake up tired. I don't know what else to do I can't let him back I refuse to start over I would just ask him to leave again at some point.
If anyone is out there I really could use some opinions right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm sorry you are having a hard time, CB. Sometimes I see people new in recovery working too hard at it, they are sometimes too aggressive in trying to get themselves better and they take on too much....It's good to get well but I find that we do better when we are easy with it, so as not to overload our fragile psyches.
It sounds as if you are afraid of the future and feel it being overwhelming to think about things changing. When I get in that state of mind, I look at my past. I think about all the years I have lived, and how even when things were going so wrong, somehow I actually made it through, and not only that, but when I look back, I see why something happened, I see why it was a piece of my life puzzle that God has designed for me.
And all I have to do is accept His divine will for my life. I can look back at the past and it actually makes sense to me: the two failed marriages, the alcoholic husband whose abuse propelled me into Al-Anon and that in turn helped me understand things from my early childhood I needed to know, and I could go on and on. Looking back, I realize that all I had to do was trust God's plan because one event led to the next, and what was so painful and hard was actually just a stepping stone which catapulted me into something meaningful which I could not foresee at all.
I am not sure what the 3 months are to which you refer, but I will tell you that it is my profound belief that everything in this world is in God's hands. I believe in fate. And I believe there is no way I can mess up my destiny. If something is meant to be, it most assuredly will happen at the appointed day and time. Without a doubt.
Serenity and peace of mind comes from complete surrender to the will of God, as each of us understands God. My solace comes from life experience which has shown me again and again that there is a purpose to every event, happy and sad, and that one story blends into a new story, and our lives unfold as if the novel were already written. Which I personally believe it is.
It is always our choice to surrender and to have faith that our life events have a divine plan and a holy purpose. And sometimes, crazybabie, we are meant to be used for the sake of others on their journey. Sometimes what is happening is not so much about us but about someone else. And God is using us for some purpose in that other person's life.
You do not know what may unfold regarding your marriage and your family, but I believe it will all unfold in God's time and in God's way and each morning, if you just say, "God, this day is in your hands, and thank you for it, and I place myself and my loved ones in your loving care and accept that whatever happens, it has purpose even if I do not understand. Help me walk with love."
Crazybabie, your posts are so loving here, and you are so new to recovery, and still, already, you have deep understanding, which I think is born of your life experiences and all that you have learned over the years. Everything you have lived up until this day has made you ready for this time in your life. And you are working in others' lives in ways you cannot see. Your life has influence far beyond what you can see.
And you far from being finished!
Give your AH your blessing as you do the right thing and send him to meet himself on the road of life. He needs to sit with himself, CB, and by God's grace, he may one day be his whole true self and better. But we do not know. Whatever happens for him and for you, together or separated, always there will be God's love running through it.
I hope tomorrow is a good day for you and that you allow yourself some time to enjoy the pleasures of life, the things that make you relaxed and happy, things you loved as a child, things you love now as a woman. Recovery work is good, and it is even better when it is balanced with happy play. Because life is going to unfold right on schedule, and in God's way, no matter what, so you might as well get an ice cream cone and watch the ducks a while.
May angels keep you good company.
It sounds as if you are afraid of the future and feel it being overwhelming to think about things changing. When I get in that state of mind, I look at my past. I think about all the years I have lived, and how even when things were going so wrong, somehow I actually made it through, and not only that, but when I look back, I see why something happened, I see why it was a piece of my life puzzle that God has designed for me.
And all I have to do is accept His divine will for my life. I can look back at the past and it actually makes sense to me: the two failed marriages, the alcoholic husband whose abuse propelled me into Al-Anon and that in turn helped me understand things from my early childhood I needed to know, and I could go on and on. Looking back, I realize that all I had to do was trust God's plan because one event led to the next, and what was so painful and hard was actually just a stepping stone which catapulted me into something meaningful which I could not foresee at all.
I am not sure what the 3 months are to which you refer, but I will tell you that it is my profound belief that everything in this world is in God's hands. I believe in fate. And I believe there is no way I can mess up my destiny. If something is meant to be, it most assuredly will happen at the appointed day and time. Without a doubt.
Serenity and peace of mind comes from complete surrender to the will of God, as each of us understands God. My solace comes from life experience which has shown me again and again that there is a purpose to every event, happy and sad, and that one story blends into a new story, and our lives unfold as if the novel were already written. Which I personally believe it is.
It is always our choice to surrender and to have faith that our life events have a divine plan and a holy purpose. And sometimes, crazybabie, we are meant to be used for the sake of others on their journey. Sometimes what is happening is not so much about us but about someone else. And God is using us for some purpose in that other person's life.
You do not know what may unfold regarding your marriage and your family, but I believe it will all unfold in God's time and in God's way and each morning, if you just say, "God, this day is in your hands, and thank you for it, and I place myself and my loved ones in your loving care and accept that whatever happens, it has purpose even if I do not understand. Help me walk with love."
Crazybabie, your posts are so loving here, and you are so new to recovery, and still, already, you have deep understanding, which I think is born of your life experiences and all that you have learned over the years. Everything you have lived up until this day has made you ready for this time in your life. And you are working in others' lives in ways you cannot see. Your life has influence far beyond what you can see.
And you far from being finished!
Give your AH your blessing as you do the right thing and send him to meet himself on the road of life. He needs to sit with himself, CB, and by God's grace, he may one day be his whole true self and better. But we do not know. Whatever happens for him and for you, together or separated, always there will be God's love running through it.
I hope tomorrow is a good day for you and that you allow yourself some time to enjoy the pleasures of life, the things that make you relaxed and happy, things you loved as a child, things you love now as a woman. Recovery work is good, and it is even better when it is balanced with happy play. Because life is going to unfold right on schedule, and in God's way, no matter what, so you might as well get an ice cream cone and watch the ducks a while.
May angels keep you good company.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 100
I know it can feel like it at times but you are so not insane. :ghug3
After leaving my H after 23 years I had many difficult times, sometimes even had moments years & years later, that I missed everything familiar to me after a lifetime together from a young age (good or bad).
He was a witness to almost my entire life from a young age, and on top of missing and mourning the familiar and leaving the years of every day routine day in and out, it felt like somehow without him the tracks of my life during all those years were somehow being erased...as though perhaps I was invisible or never existed if there was not a witness to it.
It was an incredibly big adjustment for me after all those years together and it took some time to mourn the things I missed and the things I had hoped for, and the things that would never be, and time to realize that I was the only witness needed to my life and that I had indeed lived and loved.
It hurts so bad to be mourning a relationship and my heart goes out to you. Healing does come.
After leaving my H after 23 years I had many difficult times, sometimes even had moments years & years later, that I missed everything familiar to me after a lifetime together from a young age (good or bad).
He was a witness to almost my entire life from a young age, and on top of missing and mourning the familiar and leaving the years of every day routine day in and out, it felt like somehow without him the tracks of my life during all those years were somehow being erased...as though perhaps I was invisible or never existed if there was not a witness to it.
It was an incredibly big adjustment for me after all those years together and it took some time to mourn the things I missed and the things I had hoped for, and the things that would never be, and time to realize that I was the only witness needed to my life and that I had indeed lived and loved.
It hurts so bad to be mourning a relationship and my heart goes out to you. Healing does come.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Thanks, for the quick replies they helped more than you will ever know.
EnglishGarden, your words always bring so much comfort and wisdom in all of your post.
8 days (3 months) will be how long it has been since I asked AH to move out and he did the same day I asked.
I believe your right I am probably taking on too much at once, I wonder about that at times because I get overwhelmed when I start wondering. I have girls night out tonight dinner and a movie there will be 4 of us so I think today is just gonna be ME day with the exception of prayer I am not gonna do any recovery work just take a day and step back for a day.
Neferkamichael, your right I want it now lol that sounds childish I know it doesn't work that way.
LMN, your right I should be easier on myself I was having a panic attack I hate those things .
Kiana,thank you for the wise words and the hug AH and I have been together since a young age as well I was 15 and he was 16 not even sure how that happened it just did we, were living together at those ages. He is all I know he kept me very sheltered from people most of the time. Thank you for the hug I needed that.
EnglishGarden, your words always bring so much comfort and wisdom in all of your post.
8 days (3 months) will be how long it has been since I asked AH to move out and he did the same day I asked.
I believe your right I am probably taking on too much at once, I wonder about that at times because I get overwhelmed when I start wondering. I have girls night out tonight dinner and a movie there will be 4 of us so I think today is just gonna be ME day with the exception of prayer I am not gonna do any recovery work just take a day and step back for a day.
Neferkamichael, your right I want it now lol that sounds childish I know it doesn't work that way.
LMN, your right I should be easier on myself I was having a panic attack I hate those things .
Kiana,thank you for the wise words and the hug AH and I have been together since a young age as well I was 15 and he was 16 not even sure how that happened it just did we, were living together at those ages. He is all I know he kept me very sheltered from people most of the time. Thank you for the hug I needed that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
I did find this in my FA book it helped.
How Does Your Garden Grow
We have been taught in FA that the seeds planted by the program can be nourished only by us. So if you want to "bloom where you are planted, " it's time to...
encourage instead of discourage
forgive instead of resent
act instead of react
pray instead of worry
These are the fertilizing agents for our newly planted "garden"
Where the fruits of hope, strength, and peace will grow.
TODAY I WILL
cultivate my own growth instead of digging up old useless pain.
How Does Your Garden Grow
We have been taught in FA that the seeds planted by the program can be nourished only by us. So if you want to "bloom where you are planted, " it's time to...
encourage instead of discourage
forgive instead of resent
act instead of react
pray instead of worry
These are the fertilizing agents for our newly planted "garden"
Where the fruits of hope, strength, and peace will grow.
TODAY I WILL
cultivate my own growth instead of digging up old useless pain.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
sending a big hug, (((angie)))
thanks for the reading. it was one I need as well today. I till try to remember to use "encouragement, forgiveness,act, and pray", on my garden.
it takes time, and going through unpleasant feelings, and it takes how much you need. that was a long time together. i think you are going to be fine , you show heart and wisdom, in the midst of your pain.
have a great day today!
chicory
thanks for the reading. it was one I need as well today. I till try to remember to use "encouragement, forgiveness,act, and pray", on my garden.
it takes time, and going through unpleasant feelings, and it takes how much you need. that was a long time together. i think you are going to be fine , you show heart and wisdom, in the midst of your pain.
have a great day today!
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Awww CB, it's the grieving process, same as if someone died. You are mourning the loss of 31 years of marriage, and in spite of the reasons it ended, there were good times and comforts in it. Grieving is not a simple walk, it is a spiral staircase, in which you cycle through the stages over and over, it just depends on if you are choosing to go up- deal constructively and actively work on letting go; or going down- wallowing, self pity, bitterness. I see you as going up and you know how it is, it's harder at times to go up especially carrying your burdens and going down can feel easier. But once you let yourself head down you just have all that more ground to cover when you choose to head on up. I see you as heading up, you recognize all the time that it is hard but you ask for help with the load, you may sit on a step for a time and contemplate the down course but you get back up. I admire you and you are one of my favorite posters without a doubt.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I was with my addict boyfriend since I was 28 and now I am 42. I just moved out approx 1 1/2 months ago and we have 2 children. I know exactly what you are going through. I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions right now. I go from being really happy and content to the lowest of lows. I am also in AA and have been sober now for 7 months. He is still an addict, he claims he has not used for a month, but he has no program - so he will still have the same behaviors.
I have found that I can talk to my "Angels" if you want to call them that. They are always there for me. I have a whole team of them and they help me to heal. They are wonderful!! I found them in a book called - M.A.P Medical Assistance Program. If you decide to get it, then you will find that you are not alone, it is what I need to help me get through my days. They want to work with everyone and everyone gets their own personal team. They live on a different level than we do, kinda like the 4th dimension if you want to call it that. But we are not alone, that is what I like about it, I am not alone. MAP: The Co-Creative White Brotherhood Medical Assistance Program @ Perelandra, Ltd.
I have found that I can talk to my "Angels" if you want to call them that. They are always there for me. I have a whole team of them and they help me to heal. They are wonderful!! I found them in a book called - M.A.P Medical Assistance Program. If you decide to get it, then you will find that you are not alone, it is what I need to help me get through my days. They want to work with everyone and everyone gets their own personal team. They live on a different level than we do, kinda like the 4th dimension if you want to call it that. But we are not alone, that is what I like about it, I am not alone. MAP: The Co-Creative White Brotherhood Medical Assistance Program @ Perelandra, Ltd.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I realize 31 years is a long time I can't just get over it over night but is this normal? I am expecting too much to fast?
Are you expecting too much too fast? Probably. But I think that's normal too.
It sounds like you have a fine plan for the day...
I have girls night out tonight dinner and a movie there will be 4 of us so I think today is just gonna be ME day with the exception of prayer I am not gonna do any recovery work just take a day and step back for a day.
Angie.....we've witnessed your progress and you are amazing! You HAVE come very far. And even though you may feel that you have so very far to go, I hope you can sit still for a few minutes and appreciate your progress.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Dearest Angie
I can't comprehend what you are going through.... you are in my thoughts and prayers - you have been so responsive to my threads - with words of wisdom for me - I write in the forums about my H....
I wish I had something equally positive and constructive to say to you - but I don't. I remember the day my dad died. He was 51 years old. Mum and Dad had been married for over 36 years. Dad was the love of my mum's life. But dad was a very bad alcoholic - it eventually killed him. I know your story is not the same - and I am not comparing.... but I know that God (or whom you believe in) has a plan for you... and He will watch out for you and your children.... I remember that day we lost of Dad - to just SURRENDER the pain - to hand the pain over - to completely and utterly trust that YOU as human being - cannot possible manage this pain alone - that you have to trust that YOU are a SPIRITUAL being (in a human body) - and that you have EVERY resource available to you to COPE with this... but you have to completely trust in YOUR soul, in THIS universe, in GOD!! You have to trust that what will be will be.... and that YOU will SURVIVE!!!!!!! You have to surrender this incredible pain - this incredible loss - hand it over Angie - close your eyes - say a prayer - one day at a time.....
God bless you!
Lara
I can't comprehend what you are going through.... you are in my thoughts and prayers - you have been so responsive to my threads - with words of wisdom for me - I write in the forums about my H....
I wish I had something equally positive and constructive to say to you - but I don't. I remember the day my dad died. He was 51 years old. Mum and Dad had been married for over 36 years. Dad was the love of my mum's life. But dad was a very bad alcoholic - it eventually killed him. I know your story is not the same - and I am not comparing.... but I know that God (or whom you believe in) has a plan for you... and He will watch out for you and your children.... I remember that day we lost of Dad - to just SURRENDER the pain - to hand the pain over - to completely and utterly trust that YOU as human being - cannot possible manage this pain alone - that you have to trust that YOU are a SPIRITUAL being (in a human body) - and that you have EVERY resource available to you to COPE with this... but you have to completely trust in YOUR soul, in THIS universe, in GOD!! You have to trust that what will be will be.... and that YOU will SURVIVE!!!!!!! You have to surrender this incredible pain - this incredible loss - hand it over Angie - close your eyes - say a prayer - one day at a time.....
God bless you!
Lara
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
outtolunch, You are always very insightful a very wise person after thinking about your post here my question is what did I write that you gave that response? Are you seeing something I missed?
Thanks,
Thanks,
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