JustaBloke

Hi.
I’m really struggling. I thought maybe posting this would help.

It has been 6 weeks since no-contact with my Alcoholic Girlfriend. I’m not even sure if I should call her my girlfriend. We’ve known each for a year, but its been such an up and down hate/love thing that I’m not even sure what to call it. One week I would be her man, the next week she was dating other guys. One day we would be riding bikes with her daughter, the next day I was not good enough to be her friend. In the end I was really just trying to be her friend and I thought we are on a good path when she said she was going to rehab. But then it all went wrong and she ended with a text: ‘F%^ you. don’t ever contact me again’ after I gave her flowers and a recovery gift basket as she returned from Detox. Apparently, I didn’t do it right.

I haven't ever replied to that text. I haven’t tried to contact her. After growing up with an Alcoholic father I know its best for my sanity if its over… but man it is so hard to be dumped like that, by someone you care about. Especially with zero closure. What does she think I did to her? What in her mind is she mad at me for? Its so hard being a co-dependant. I’m so frustrated with myself for falling in love with someone like this. I also got close with her daughter and care about her like she was my own. Its all gone from me now and it hurts bad. I know that in her mind she dumped me because I’m a bad person. It hurts to know that someone thinks so poorly of you when I just kept trying to bend over backwards. Its so frustrating that I want & need to convince someone I’m a good person and they will never see it that way.

It just hurts all round. And I miss her so much. I don’t know how I got myself into this mess… I’m better than this… I know better…

Thanks for listening.

outonalimb

I'm sorry about what you're going through.

Your "girlfriend" or whatever you want to call her is sick. She has a disease. If you stick around on this forum long enough and read enough stories, you'll begin to see that she did you a big favor by setting you free. It might not feel like it now but she did. You grew up with an alocholic father...you must know that his is a lifelong disease. There is no 'cure'. She'll always struggle with the disease...always!! And as long as you stayed with her, you would struggle with it too. Have you ever considered al anon? You could learn alot about the roots of your codependent behavior and learn NEW ways of living life that don't revolve around an alcoholic's illness.

Keep reaching out. Keep reading posts around here. And try, if you can, to get yourself to an al anon meeting.

Learn2Live

Hi and though I am sorry for what brings you here.

This person sounds very unstable and selfish. I think it is very good that you have gone no contact. You sound like a strong person though you seem to be beating yourself up. I understand, I've been doing the same thing since I was lied to, cheated on, and rejected by my alcoholic and addicted ex boyfriend (A&AXBF).

Have you ever heard of Al-Anon ACOA? I am an adult child of an alcoholic and have benefit from going to ACOA meetings. You might want to give them a try.

livefortodayjkw

Hi there:

I truly feel your pain. Like you, I'm new to this forum and am reeling from the recent rejection and loss of a loved one, and trying to make sense of it all. I still have a lot to learn about the head of an alcoholic, but I can tell you this much: you did nothing wrong. You may never know what her "reason" was or what she thinks you "did" to her, most likely because she doesn't know herself. She doesn't have a logical reason, not that she needs one, or that this matters to her. If you pressed her, she could come up with all sorts of reasons to blame you, and she doesn't need for those reasons to have any basis in reality. Anything to avoid turning that magnifying glass on herself and what she is actually feeling.

Have you considered searching out a good therapist? And Al-Anon? I haven't started going to Al-Anon yet myself (though I plan to), but one thing that I've learned in therapy so far is to look beyond the drinking to see where the true disease lies in the alcoholic. The drinking is merely the symptom, and like many diseases, whether main symptom is present or not (whether they're drinking or in "recovery"), the infection is still there. It sounds like rehab may have dried her out (probably temporarily), but hasn't addressed her inability to connect in an intimate way with another human being. She can't process the normal range of human emotions that come with relationship intimacy, because she is so accustomed to "medicating" the emotions that overwhelm or confuse her, or that she doesn't want to feel, such as shame and vulnerability.

Maybe she feels that if she removes any stress (even if it is a healthy "stress," such as a relationship), she can narrow the range of "uncomfortable" emotions that she is feeling and avoid drinking again. Unfortunately, this has the unintended side effect of inhibiting connection with other people, and in the long run cycles them right back towards the booze to medicate the uncomfortable feelings that arise from whatever it is they're running from.

In my experience, this is NOT something that can be explained to an addict. I tried with mine (he was 4 years into recovery, but hadn't worked the program since his first year sober) to encourage him to see life as an opportunity rather than a slew of things that scared him and constant terror of failure. I loved him, and thought if he could only see himself the way I saw him, he wouldn't hate himself so much. I never could understand where his self-loathing issues were coming from, but I always tried to be supportive and encouraging. After four years, he dumped me rather mercilessly, giving me a slew of bizarre excuses, and telling me it was a "mistake" to have gotten into a relationship with me, amongst other things. And....I've recently seen some pictures from a mutual acquaintance showing him drinking again. Like you, it is a daily struggle for me not blame myself by citing his reasons, even though my rational mind knows that he is not in HIS rational mind, and may have never been for the entire time I knew him.

You did not cause this situation, and you cannot change this situation. This is a difference in the way she thinks on a fundamental level from the way you think.

I would say the important thing for you to figure out now is why you so badly need the approval of someone else, that you seek it out from a person who is incapable of thinking logically. These would be very good questions to spend time with a therapist to work on. She is not in her right mind, and will not be without a LONG road of recovery. You need to realize that she may NEVER get there. Why ask for approval from someone not in their right mind? You have done NOTHING wrong, and I think you are right to maintain no contact with her.

Please know that I know only too well how much this hurts, and how much you don't want to hear that you must now focus on your own sanity. I am in therapy myself trying to do the very thing I am suggesting to you. This is a wonderful community of people who have shared struggles and pains that have so much in common with what you are going through. You're going to be ok. Sending hugs out to you.

emeraldeyes

Hi:
I am a new member here and I am sorry for what you are going through.
My AH boyfriend and I have been together for the past 10 yrs, 6 of which he has been sober. It has been a struggle for both of us but just b/c you are sober doesn't mean that everything is OK. We continue to have relationship issues even though we have lived together for about 9 yrs.
My boyfriend had to go to a treatment center for 30 days to get help and they recommended that if you weren't in a relationship then don't start one. Physical dependence on alcohol really and quite literally changes your brain and one needs quite some time to adjust to the new person that they will become. Sometimes this change isn't always a good thing, and sometimes it can bring out anger which I suspect your girlfriend has. Plus it is really hard for the AH to focus on anything else but their recovery especially in the early stages.

I really knew nothing about alcoholism before I met my boyfriend. In fact I didn't even know he was one for quite some time....he never drank at home, only socially he would binge drink on the weekends. But then it came to the point where he would make excuses to go out without me to get drunk and finally progressed to taking a large bottle of alcohol to local hotel room and drinking all weekend.

My point is that dealing with an alcoholic, even a sober one, is going to be a lifelong struggle. I am not sure that I would do it all over again. It is very gut wrenching for all involved.

mrsbrownie

hi there justabloke and welcome to the community.

for a minute there, i could have sworn you are a male version of me...my xabf, dropped me to just like that...and this is for doing all things that he wanted and later realized that wasnt helping him to sobriety but rather enabling him to stay with his A.

its tough, its been 16 weeks of NC for me and there are days that tears just roll down from my eyes...why did we fell for them so hard.

hang in there...you will get so much support from here.

peace and hugs to you.

Katiekate

Hi Justabloke, welcome to the forum.

we are so glad you found us.

love to you Katie

shawty80

welcome to sr, justabloke. i understand very much the pain you're going through, and hope you continue posting and reading. there is so much wisdom on this forum!


oh, my gosh. YES. i get this. i really get this. what i have learned, though, is that it is not really *my* job to convince someone else of my worth. either they appreciate me for who i am, or they don't. additionally, *i* have to appreciate how amazing i am, just as you have to appreciate all that you have to offer!

today's entry in melody beattie's book, "the language of letting go" (hazelden foundation, 2003), gave me a lot to think about. you may find something that speaks to you, as well. here it is:

"trying to prove how good we are, trying to prove we're good enough, trying to show someone how much he or she has hurt us, trying to show someone we're understanding, are warning signs that we may be into our self-defeating behavio

they can be an indication that we are trying to control someone. they can be an indication that we are not believing how good we are, that we're good enough, that someone is hurting us.

trying excessively to make a point with another may mean that we have not yet made that point with ourselves. once we make that point with ourselves, once we understand, we will know what to do.

the issue is not about others understanding and taking us seriously. the issue is not about others believing we're good and good enough. the issue is not about others seeing and believing how responsible or loving or competent we are. the issue is not about whether others realize how deeply we are feeling a particular feeling. we are the ones who need to see the light."

this disease will take its toll on you AND your self-worth. be confident in knowing that you are a caring, loving, and amazing person despite the hateful things that have been said to you.

hugs,

misty

marie1960

Justabloke,

One of the best pieces of advice I got here at SR.

IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT ME.

You certainly are worthy of someone who will respect you, and add joy to your life. It is possible to share your love with someone new.

I am sorry for your pain, and look forward to you posting more. We will walk with you, it's going to get better, please know you are not alone.

EnglishGarden

All she did was detox, she is still an unrecovering (and likely drunk as we speak) alcoholic.

And you are her enemy.

She does not want your flowers or your cards or your good-person-ness or your bending over backward to try to get her to care about you.

She just wants to get drunk and you keep getting in the way. The flowers pissed her off because they got in her way.

Alcoholism is a disease of selfishness. The AA Big Book speaks at length about the selfishness of the alcoholic, the self-centered grandiosity and resentments of the alcoholic, and the bitterness the alcoholic feels because the people around her are not doing her bidding. It is narcissism times ten.

Please find the STICKY "What Addicts Do" on the F&F Substance Abusers forum. We can tell you here, we have lived with that cold heart of stone addiction created in someone we loved and which Jon describes so perfectly in that passage.

You'll need to build yourself some self-worth and some backbone so you never again cater to a narcissist who doesn't give beans about you. You deserve a person who is not hot-and-cold and who genuinely loves being with you.

You have made her someone in your mind that she is not. This is the illusion of connection the codependent wakes from when the alcoholic cuts the cord. It is very painful, it blindsides, especially for someone like you who seems not to get how ruthless people can be.

Yes, you are codependent, and to be an equal partner in an equal relationship, you'll need to work on yourself, because selflessness to the extreme tips the scale and Life just does not support anything which is out of balance. You will need to develop a strong core and a belief in your worth which is unshakable, so you can be a strong and equal partner in a healthy union.

If there is a 12-step group, perhaps Codependents Anonymous, close by, you can sit in and listen for a few meetings and see if it works for you.

I'm sorry you will miss the child. Many of us here had to let go of children we'd come to love, or dogs we were crazy about, houses in beautiful places, and so much more, lost to the disease of selfishness.

Take good care of yourself and get yourself well. You did not deserve the brutal rejection. But you will never be able to convince her of that while she is sick and out of her mind.

ZiggyB

My alcoholic ex was always getting mad at me too, our last fight ended up with him throwing things, calling me a "stupid b*tch", telling me to shut up, claiming I had ruined his life, screaming in rage. After I broke up with him over that, he tells me he is leaving me because I am not a nice person. *sigh*

Yes I feel rejected as well, it really hurts to be treated this way, but soon you will be glad that she is out of your life and all of the drama will finally be over. You do deserve something better than the scraps of what this sick person is able to throw out at you.

JustaBloke

Thank you. I’m overwhelmed by the response here. Its very moving…

Outonalimb - thanks. I have to keep telling myself she did me a favor. I have been in therapy and going to some al anon meetings. They are helpful.

Learn2Live Thanks. I like to think I’m strong but how did I let her in? ugh… I have the text all typed up just to ask how she is doing… luckily I’ve found the strength not to send it..

Livefortodayjkw thank you for your kind thoughts. I do know that she is dating and is on Match.com. I feel like she might be a love addict as well. She bounces from relationship to relationship. (she has 2 different mens' names tattooed on her.) WTF was I thinking? I knew how this was going to end and still signed up for it.

I too struggle with blaming myself, with her reasons.. One thing that Is tough is that I cant tell what part of the rejection is just from normal relationship things vs. what is from the disease. I guess either way it hurts but when I think she just rejected because she is an Alcoholic, its easier…. But I know part of the rejection is real. Part of it is, I don’t want to be with you… So I’m struggling with the normal breakup part as well.. not sure that makes sense.

Emeraldeyes your story helps. I’m sorry for what you have gone through as well. You have sacrificed, and I would have had to sacrificed so much of myself to make it work… but the damn co-dependency thing made me want to be her savior so bad!! 

Mrsbrownie I hope I can make it 16 weeks with out contacting her! Awesome work!

Katiekate Thank you, I feel very welcome.

shawty80 good read. I am trying to control her… so backward since she had me running in circles and jumping from one foot to the other!

marie1960 – Good quote. “IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT ME.” I keep repeating it!

EnglishGarden – Awesome. This resonated. ‘And you are her enemy. She does not want your flowers or your cards or your good-person-ness or your bending over backward to try to get her to care about you.’ This is so true. I am her enemy… The last Voicemail she left me, before she broke it off over text, she told me she Hated me. I’ve never heard anyone actually say that to me.

She kept saying she was going to rehab… I think she just did a detox… She thinks she can control it. She really needs therapy.

As for equality..Here is why I’m scared… I’ve been in a few normal relationships where we were equals… and I NEVER felt anything like what I felt when I was with this woman. It was so powerful. She would make me laugh like never before. It was love to me. Was it just the perfect mix of attraction and co-dependency? Was there not enough love in my past normal relationships? Is everything I’m attracted to wrong because of my co-dependancy. Ugh.. these are the questions I struggle with.

ZiggyB – thank you. I do deserve better, as do you.… oh how I craved the drama, I craved the swooping in and taking care of her when she felt sick. I craved it so much…

emeraldeyes

I just had a couple of other thoughts, esp. on the co dependency thing.

Unlike a lot of posts I have read on this forum, my ABF was never verbally or physically abusive to me , although I guess one could argue about the mental abuse (but then I CHOSE to stay). Instead he was full of mental anguish and self hatred. Why couldn't he stop drinking? Why couldn't he have more self control? etc etc. It was really mentally difficult to watch this person go thru this torture.

I guess I thought I could help him thru it and be there for him. Several times he has said to me that I "saved" him b/c if he hadn't met me and fell in love with me that he would likely be dead now. Those are powerful words and fed in to my need and training to fix things and make them right. We have been together for 10 yrs, of which about 6 have been sober. Interestingly, we seemed to have more intimacy when he was still an alcoholic but now that he has sobered up there has been no intimacy. So, now I have to "try" again by going thru couples counselling.....the fun never ends! And, even after 10 yrs I still don't know if I have or am doing the right thing.

Love if very powerful and even if you don't have the added drama of an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic to deal with, love does get in the way of clear thinking.

Tuffgirl

Yes, very powerful words that work. But he doesn't really know if he hadn't met you he would be dead. And no one can "save" someone else unless that person is a firefighter/EMT/Dr and the person is having an emergency. And even that's a crapshoot.

Not all alcoholics are hostile and mean. But the one trait that rings true for the majority is manipulation. What kind of responsibility would one feel to hear "you saved me", codependent or not? I know I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship if I thought my significant other believed that about me.

chronsweet

I am feeling this today as well. I was with my XABF for over five years and we have a son, and it is so hard to deal with how someone can call me such horrific names and look down on me so much when ALL I ever did was try to help him. In hindsight, I can see everything I did was for him, none of it was for me. I was programmed that way by his mother, his brother and himself. It is always about poor XABF. He has had such troubling times, he tries so hard, he is such a nice guy when sober (except he is hardly sober), him calling you names or hitting you or choking you is justified because basically you deserve it, and on and on and on and on.

My once high self esteem is in the gutter. Most normal people would say EFF YOU after being choked, but here I am feeling sorry for the guy who has ruined MY LIFE for five years. Here I am feeling sorry for the guy who blames me for destroying his life when all I ever, ever did was try to love him and help him. What the HELL is wrong with me? I am so broken right now. I know I will put myself together, but I completely understand your words. They hit home for me this morning as I sit at work crying because my XABF lost his job and thinks I was the cause of it.

Take care of yourself. Please remember how much worse it can get if she does try to come back into your life. You think it is painful now, try five years of enabling heartache and being entwined with an enabling family who does nothing to make a person face their own music.

sweetteewalls

Wow Chron...I really needed to read what you replied today. I too am struggling with making that clean NC break and reading your words, it just jumped out of me. I have to do it. I have to.

JustaBloke

The last time I spoke to her was on my birthday. She called me rude, selfish and immature for wanting to grab lunch or dinner for my birthday that week. She did nothing for my birthday, just called me names, un friended me from Facebook and then stopped contact. Here I am just wanting to know how she is doing, how I can help her. Not thinking about what I deserve. My self esteem is non existent. I'm broken too. Going to my therapist tomorrow. Hope she can erase my memory of her.
Sucks loving a narcissist.

Hang in there, they won't beat us down with their BS! We will find better!

EnglishGarden

It may give you some support to read the posts of the member on F&F Substance Abusers whose username is "ZOSO".

His story will resonate with you.

If you find threads he started, you will perhaps see a mirror of your own pain and confusion. He's working a strong recovery today.

I'd cut and paste a link to his first post but I don't know how to. Hope you can find it, though.

JustaBloke

Thanks, his posts were very helpful.

It's so sad how much anger alcoholism brought out of my XGF. She could be so sweet at times and then BAM! Angry as ever.

Alucard

You are essentially living with an abcess tooth, and are attatched to it, and dont mind the swelling, the fever, the pain and the infection about to set in, and cause major, major medical complications because you cannot imagine life without that tooth....Get it removed and get a bridge. Or a dental implant, but if you keep the tooth, you can always come back here and lament how nice it is that the tooth is still there, even though you are on painkillers and walk around with an icebag over your swollen face.