simp007

Ok, I am a newbie to this site. I came here to find info about Roxies as my new BF, I have discovered, has a problem with them. The insight and advice here is very much appreciated.
But since, I'm here..........it's gotten me considering my own issues. I'll begin with my substance abuse, marijuana. If you can call it abuse. Even as I write this, I don't feel I have an abuse problem, but I'm all about self improvement, so, it's something I am addressing.
Let me begin with some background. I grew up with an alcoholic father, who was sexually abusive. In retrospect, it seems addiction was something I dealt with before I even knew what it was. I'll consider sucking my thumb til I was 12, my first. Laugh, if you like, it was the first hardest thing I had to quit. ; ) Because of my abuse, I turned to food as a young child. I don't look at food as "normal" people would. It is all about how it makes me feel. It's kept a little extra weight on me throughout my life, but, thru exercise and self awareness, it's never made me obese. Nonetheless, my "relationship" with food still isn't healthy, but I chalk it up as not a problem. The problem is that apparently, I've never learned to deal with my emotions in a healthy manner which certainly trickles into other aspects of my life, particularly, relationships with men.
I began smoking marijuana with my first boyfriend when I was 16. By 17, I began smoking cigarettes which I still do, with a 3 year sabbatical in between. (why did I start back? oh, yeah, I'm an addict). Needless to say, I didn't stop experimenting with drugs once I began. I opened myself up to so many potential addictions. I drank to get drunk, never liked alcohol for any other reason. I tried cocaine, pills, acid, etc. Thru my late teens and early adult life I even tried herion (snorted once, thank God, it didn't take), a few months of smoking crack (at a point that I wanted to trade a watch for it, I said, no more), crank (hated that, again, thank God), etc, etc. Marijuana stayed my drug of choice and eventually that's all I was doing, which is why I firmly believe we don't choose our addiction, it chooses us. If I had to choose an addiction, well, that's the one I would've chosen, bc we all know, weed does not bind us and make us do things other drugs do. I got drunk for the last time Oct of 1996. I had such a bad hangover that I said, "that's it, I'm done with that". I haven't drank to speak of since, just not my thing (TG). Our bodies do not become physically dependent on weed, obviously, it's a mental thing, but since I have been smoking it my entire adult life, maybe it should be addressed. As I've gotten older, my desire/need to smoke has lessened. I don't wake and bake. Occasionally, I will smoke during the day. but ultimately, it is my "glass of wine" at the end of the day. But I wouldn't want to be without it, hence, it being a problem, right? Ultimately, my concern is a legal one and mental one. I have a successful business that I started and should i be arrested for it, there goes my reputation (never arrested or caught with it, btw) and from my research, depression from long term chronic use is a concern. Mental illness is on both sides of my family tree. I've been on ADs for years. My observation about marijuana use is this. There are no real red flags of the effects of this drug. The consequences so subtle, that is where the problem may lie & why there are rarely marijuana users who hit a bottom to make them seek help. Even on this site, I find very little info or thread related only to marijuana use. I really would like to get feedback from others out there. What are your thougts? Experiences? Thank you for any input.

OxyMaddened

You're not going to find much feedback here that matches your expenences.
Most here have espoused to having such addictive personalities that using ANY substance, even one as relatively innoculous as Marijuana, will put them on the path to abusing other much more serious drugs.

My own personal perspective matches yours in quite a similar fashion; having grown up in the mid 70s, when drugs weren't just abundant but basically in fashion, it wasn't unusual to partake in or try whatever new thing came on the scene. Like yourself, fortunately for me, I just tried and rejected most out of hand or after a short period...all except weed. I'm definitely not a cigarette smoker either, hated it the first time I tried and even now just getting a good whiff of secondhand smoke makes me sick. Yet no such bad reactions from weed. I always thought of it as a much more sane and viable alternative to that "after work beer" or drink. I never cared much for alcohol, hated meth after trying it, liked Coke okay but could take or leave it; didn't try heroin. Prescription drugs weren't so ungodly available back in the '70s/'80s and weren't pushed on TV as the answer to all problems. I have had a successful career from which I took early retirement last year. Weed has been part of my life intermittently since age 19. There were times in the past 35 years for varying reasons, from athletic participation to occasional drug testing where I quit smoking pot for varying amount of times; not once have I ever had any mental nor especially physical issues. There was an instance in which someone came on here trying to claim her BF committed suicide after becoming addicited to weed, stating not just dire mental issues but also physical withdrawal along the lines similar to Opiate W/D. What a load of crap! I can tell you without any reservation there is absolutely ZERO correlation between a supposed "physical" W/D from weed and what occurs when Opiates are stopped Cold Turkey. You see, until 3 years ago, I was fine, never had any drug issues and then I became addicted to Oxycodone afte Surgery. THAT is a nasty, horrible, totally beguilling and compelling drug. Don't EVER even CONSIDER using it recreationally, even once....from what I understand now, it's nothing short of an engineered substitute just about equal to heroin. I choose Cold Turkey Detox from it in February of this year and it was a horrific but needed experience.

But back to your concerns; people often say, if it concerns you, then perhaps it is a problem. Yes, the legal issues are sadly still here, so that is something to be aware of. But it doesn't sound like it's a significant concern keeping you from having a full life and a good career. Only you can know for sure if you should or should not continue to partake. I don't see it as being a problem for you, but I'm not you...all I can go by is what you've related here. Your concerns about "chronic, long term use" are more likely attributable to someone who smokes all day, everyday, wakes & bakes, etc. I can't think of anytime in which I went into depression from lack of weed or from deciding to stop for awhile.

If you think that your self-described issues of dealing with problems have been made worse by smoking weed, then you should probably not do so. If you think the legal issues outweigh the relaxation you receive from that after work bong hit, you probably shouldn't continue. But only you can decide what is right for you and whatever issues concern you.

We can only wish you the best in your life's journeys.

Dee74

I have no doubt about the destructiveness of my marijuana addiction in my life and the lives of those I grew up with.

We were 'wake and bakers 'as you put it, and I did that for 25 years.

I destroyed my life as much on weed as I did on alcohol later.

Withdrawal was tough for me - totally unlike alcohol later, sure, but I don't believe in contrast and compare in these instances. Tough is tough IMO.

Thats me...but I've read my story here again and again.

If you think it's a problem for you, for whatever reason, then stop.
If you're right in everything you say above, hopefully it should be pretty easy for you

welcome to SR

D

coming_clean

I'm a recoverying weed addict.
Smoked half my life. fourteen years.
It's a silent killer.
All goes well, untill you decide to quit.
Withdrawl has been very hard. Anxiety was through the roof.
However it is possible.
I don't know if there are true demons in this world, but addiction comes close.
Good deeds and a healthy positive lifestyle can make the demon go away.

metta,

soberbrooke

I have been living with a wake and baker for 15 years, he has been addicted to maryjane since he was 17 and now he is 42. I just left him.

No motivation, no goals, no dreams, no nothing. It's really sad. even more sad for our children.

sugarbear1

weed & alcohol were my partners. I gave both up a little over a year ago with the 12 steps of aa

larrylive

Weed was always my drug of choice, I managed to ween myself off of it with crack. I don't reccomend trying that.

mstrust

I also had/have a serious problem with weed. Just hit my one month sober mark yesterday. I was smoking from morning until night. Basically high constantly to the point where I forgot what 'normal' was like. Before, during, after work. Would not do things with people very often if I couldn't smoke at some point. It went with me everywhere I went and if I ran low or, lord help me, ran out, it would be all I could think about until I got more. I have gone to my friend's house when he wasn't home and taken pot without telling him because I was too ashamed to ask and have to admit I'd smoked up a whole bag in that short amount of time. Then I was ashamed I took it. He never noticed because the amounts were so small, just enough to get to the next bag. I just could not fathom living life without it, as though it would be torture to have to be off it. Totally out of hand.

It bothers me that people don't seem to take it as seriously as other drugs. Addiction is addiction is addiction. I didn't go through anything like the withdrawal I've seen and heard about with things like opiates and benzos, but there were definite physical and emotional symptoms. I've not been to NA because I'm afraid of being laughed out of the room. I go to AA once in a while but feel like because I stopped drinking before that got TOO far out of hand, I don't fit there either. I don't know... Just rambling and it kind of made me feel validated when I found this thread.

Hope you're all doing well.

MycoolFitz

I started in 65 but guit 25 years ago I still think about it but I screwed up enough. I did do an after show with Arlo cuthrie, dang.

mstrust

I was high on and off for about as long as you've stopped for...and straight through the last five years. Can't claim any famous smoke buddies though. Perhaps another life...

RobC420

I'm a marijuana addict who hit rock bottom and sought recovery due to my marijuana use. I started smoking in Summer 2000 and marijuana took control of every aspect of my life and I was completely powerless to do anything about it. I tried a number of ideas to help me stop or control my smoking. I learned as much as I could about the drug, watched movies about drug addiction, read books, smoked only at night, smoked only with other people, exercised more, etc, etc. I tried numerous times to quit completely. Most of those times I was stoned within hours. Other times I was able to white knuckle it through a few days or maybe a week. On two occasions I quit for 6 months, but inevitably I returned to it and relapsed. Each relapse was worse than the last. The paranoia, panic attacks, and anxiety of the last 6 months of my using were a hell that I never imagined was possible.

On April 3, 2011, I genuinely sought help for the first time (there were countless resolutions before, but little action). The only person I had to seek help from was my mother. She and my father picked me up and I then stayed at my mother and fathers house for 10 days, bedridden with panic and anxiety until the medication I was prescribed could take effect and control my otherwise uncontrollable anxiety. That 10 days was the beginning of my recovery. On day 12 I was well enough to go to a meeting of AA. Soon thereafter, I got a big book, sponsor, home group, service position, and began working the 12 steps.

I read Marijuana Anonymous literature and attend MA meetings during my recovery, but due to their limited availability, my recovery is centered around the program of AA. I have gone through each of the 12 steps and am now implementing them in my daily life. I also have begun to take on sponsees.

I have been sober for over a year and a half and my life today is better than I ever thought was possible while I was smoking. I'm doing things today that simply were not possible in active addiction. Things as simple as having a friend to going on dates. I am eternally grateful to my HP for the life I live today.

Being a sober Marijuana addict I can look back on some of my experience and say that I greatly underestimated the 'mental' aspect of smoking. The denial I was under was baffling. Even after calling my mother for help, I continued to deny that Marijuana had any effect on my life. I preached that the drug was 'natural' and that it was decreasing the anxiety I was experiencing. This was coming from someone who majored in Psychology and had taken classes in drug addiction. My thinking and logic was completely warped to say the least.

Lyoness

I've believed marijuana is addictive for at least 20 years. I binge drank from 16 to about 22 and at 20 tried pot. It took me awhile but it became my new love. I was never a wake and baker, and am still not sure if I was totally physically addicted but I know I was very mentally and emotionally addicted.

Starting halfway through my workshift I would start thinking about it, start the mental countdown until I could go home and light up. I smoked every day but not at work, I couldn't concentrate. I had friends I smoked with but mostly smoked alone. I also had friends and a counselor who questioned my usage and often acted/reacted as if I was an addict. And I had plenty of denial for a long time.

I couldn't and didn't want to go without it, even for a day. I did take breaks but they were few and far between. Life without pot was untenable. At one point I discovered what someone once called the "perfect trifecta": a little pot, a little beer, a percodan. That was pure blissed out heaven for me. (My opiate addiction would come later.)

I finally began to feel that I was causing myself more pain with my marijuana usage than whatever it was I was trying to suppress. (Turns out I was suppressing memories of hellish childhood abuse but that's another post.) So I finally decided to quit. I told my friends, asked for their patience and support. And the support of my counselor.

It was very hard to quit. I didn't go through opiate-like withdrawals but I went through some form of them. My head was foggy for a solid 6 months and I craved pot every day. Eventually my mind cleared and the cravings dimished. I had future bouts of smoking but never went back to my prior full-time usage.

I figured my problem was over. As long as I didn't smoke, or smoke too much, it was gone. I viewed marijuana as the "problem," as the addictive substance. The connection I did not make was that *I* was the addict.

It was the same with alcohol. *I* didn't have a problem--the alcohol was the problem and when it went away so did the problem. I still don't know if I was an alcoholic or an alcohol abuser and exactly what the difference is.

I do know, now that it's not the substance, it's the user. Or, I guess it's both of us together in the dance of addiction.

So, if you feel you are addicted or have a problem, listen to yourself. Go without marijuana for 6 months or a year, consciously, and see what types of changes that makes in your life.

Good luck and many blessings.

RobC420

I did that exact same thing with my brother. Eventually the bag was becoming so depleted that I knew he was going to notice and the paranoia was killing me. Eventually I came up with a plan. I gave my brother money and I told him I was 'buying it for a friend' to take to a concert.

mstrust

Thank you guys for responding. It really does help to read other people saying the same things I've felt and struggling with the same issues. I have such a complex about going to NA and/or AA meetings that I shortchange myself. I've been to AA quite a bit with my boyfriend but it was mostly with the idea that he needed to be there--opiate addiction and alcoholism in remission. Frankly, I would sit there feeling ashamed of myself when it was time for the chip club and at the end the person would say, "give yourself a hand if you stayed sober today." Um, what do you mean, I'm high right now, I would think.
I've been to one AA meeting since I quit smoking. I think I was on day three. I almost went this past Thursday to get a 30-day chip, but I backed out. My AA/NA issues are something I don't completely understand right now, but would like to.

Now that I've been sober for just over a month, I am starting to feel what it's like to have motivation again, to not want to refuse any and all invitations to do any and everything, to feel like I'm living my life as me rather than through a fog where I was mostly feeling like a ghost of myself. I dream like crazy too...which I missed so much when I was smoking--pot totally messed with my ability to remember dreams. Obviously, I'm not over the psychological issues and sometimes when I'm having a good day I feel like I have to fight harder against the urge to smoke than when I'm having a bad day. I almost convinced myself I could just smoke a bowl the other day and then realized if I did that, I would buy a bag the next day and instantly be back where I was. And I don't want to go there again.

I've quit before--for two months, a few days, a few hours (I hear ya, Rob), even a year once--but once I smoke again one time, I'm done. I'm determined to actually LIVE my life and be present in it at this point. I really am grateful there are people out there who get it.

...by the way, there are NO MA meetings near me at all. NONE. and I don't think online meetings are for me.

RobC420

Looking back on my using career, I smoked all the time. If I was feeling like crap I wanted to smoke a bowl to feel better. If I was feeling good I wanted to smoke a bowl to feel even gooder (even though gooder isnt a word). Its understandable that the urge to use can come wether I'm feeling good or bad.

Hey and don't worry about your complex with the meetings. Everyone there has been in your shoes and has had their own issues with the meetings. Nobody happily strolls in to AA and everything is peachy. It takes time and it can take some people a lot of meetings before they feel comfortable. It has been completely worth it for me. Now I go to meetings because I genuinely like it and it is where all my friends hang out.

It's unfortunate, but MA is very small and just starting out. Lots of people don't even know it exists.

FMTT

This was a most interesting thread. I came here back in April with a raging opiate addiction and reefer never entered my mind as a potential problem DOC. I could always take it or leave it and I personally never knew anyone who sunk their life as a result of its use. But this discussion got me thinking how everyone is different. Some can use this or that with impunity but some get tripped up on anything that comes close. The legal status is another concern if one wants to live in a society where its use happens to be unlawful. Also of great interest was the point that it's not the substance that is necessarily the problem, it's what's going on in our heads that we're trying to cover up that is (was) the problem. I guess I'm always going to be trying to address what's going on between my ears. Thank God I'm free of the narcotics for today though.

liv1ce

My first love was pot. I think it was put on this planet for my personal enjoyment. When I was smoking I was everything I ever wanted to be. Relaxed, happy and enjoying everything i could find to eat. Getting high for me is getting inside my head. I can settle inside and think the most imaginative thoughts - stupid but imaginative. Nothing was better for me in this manner than pot. I could design and draw and do what seemed to be artistic things. I eventually smoked all day every day and all that imaginative bullshiit became sitting and staring and getting nothing done.

I was totally, grotesquely addicted. I couldn't get enough and would beg borrow and steal for it. I also took some from my brother in law and each time would note that I was the only one taking from his stash that got smaller and smaller.

I didn't quit for some high minded ideal or need to better my life I just couldn't seem to find it anymore and was too old to hang around with 17 and 18 year olds to be in the right environment. I simply and finally ran out.

Then immediately switched to booze. Then pills. What a lovely story of one sick bastarrd.

I am clean now 5 months and am never going back.

sophiamarie2007

My late husband was a successful career man-He had smoked weed all through college and grad. school with no consequences.

He continued to smoke through his twenties and thirties. I have had all the pro marijuana literature thrown at me from him.

Near the end of his life he was smoking up to 6 times a day. The last two months of his life he was becoming psychotic and severely depressed. The latest studies have shown that long term marijuana use can cause this in individuals.

He had no history of mental illness or depression until the last two months of his life.

He shot himself in the head at the age of 34, no drugs were found in his system except pot.

It's a snake of a drug-it creeps up on you and destroys your life, slowly over the years. It's no different in my opinion than any other drug.

mstrust

Oh my God, Sophiamarie...I'm so sorry to hear about that, it's totally heartbreaking. It's crazy what something that people find so innocuous can do to some people. I hope you are doing alright at this point...I'm not sure when that happened, but oh my God...there aren't words.

FMTT--part of my issue with meetings that I am fully aware of is that I worry about people who don't take pot seriously as an addictive substance. That's why I fear being laughed out of the room if I were to speak, which I realize I don't HAVE to if I choose not to, but still...part of being in a program is speaking and sharing and all that good stuff. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to post and having an open mind about this because so many people don't. I was one of them.

I've been the person who sits around, smoking like crazy and talking about how people who claim to be addicted to pot are ridiculous, that WHO THE HECK goes to rehab for THAT?!?! I can quit anytime I want, blah blah. Well, if you read through my journals from the last eleven years, you will see over and over again writing about how I know I smoke too much, I know it's ruining me, I know I need to stop, I really want to stop, etc. and so on...broken record. (I had a year sober in the middle of that 11 years then started again in 2005 and never stopped again until last month.)

When I finally did quit recently, I was agitated beyond belief, didn't have much of an appetite--which was already effed up because of stress from dealing with my opiate addict boyfriend, I had restless legs that nearly drove me insane, I was incredibly and annoyingly itchy and just wanted to jump out of my own skin, I was sweating like crazy--especially my hands and feet, couldn't sleep--still not great. It's possible my psychological addiction/withdrawal just manifested itself physically, but does it matter? It was most definitely real.

This is before I even get into talking about what about my life might be different now had I not made smoking pot such a priority over other things. I had to think about it when I chose who to date, who to spend time with, everything. I resented people calling me on the phone, I didn't want to be bothered with any kind of function. I left a Ph.D. program after one year when I had just won an award for my Master's thesis. I've been at the same job for the last five years and I hate most of it and it pays s**t. Why haven't I moved forward with my life??? I've been high the whole time, I guess, and it made me complacent. I would say to myself, what's the big deal as long as I'm happy? Like I was happy or something. Really...??

Liv1ce--I am totally with you when you talk about being able to be inside your mind and thinking the most interesting things and feeling so creative. That's part of what stopped me from quitting sometimes... How would I write? How would I enjoy music like I do? Wouldn't everything be boring? (I think of the character in Half Baked who is referred to as "the enhancement smoker"--everything is better "on weed!") But then I ended up just like you, smoking myself into a daze where I'd just sit and stare and be numb and get absolutely nothing accomplished.

I know full well that I was masking things I just didn't want to deal with or fully feel. I know that being high gave me a cushion between me and my life. Toward the end, I was smoking and doing things I never thought I would do--I would never have been high during work, for example. There once was a time when I had a 'no smoking until it's dark out' rule...better in the winter for smoking, of course, but the rule didn't last long anyway.

Now I'm dealing with myself. I'm spending tons of time on this board to get help with my codependence as well as this. I'm catching up on what I haven't been doing. I'm getting back into the things that make me feel alive and realizing that I have one shot here on this earth and if I don't take advantage of it, I'm going to wake up old (if I make it that far) and look back with regret. I just don't want that.

Thanks again everyone for listening/reading...I still worry about people addicted to or recovering from addiction to hard drugs scoffing at this, but that's my problem to get over. It's real to me...and if it was so easy to stop, I would have long before a month ago.

RobC420

This was a constant fear of mine. The more I smoked, the less social I became. I didn't go out and meet other people who smoked. In fact at the end, I only knew one guy who smoked and he was the guy I bought from. Everytime my bag was running low, I'd get all kinds of paranoia and think about what I would do if I called him and he said he wasn't selling or using anymore. I'd be screwed royally. Then I'd imagine myself make shady deals over the internet and walking in to some "To Catch a Pot Smoker" sting on Dateline NBC. No joke. I really thought this.


That was also an aspect of my usage. There were times when I was trying to quit on my own and I just developed other addictions. The funny thing was that I never moved on to harder drugs. Having to know and call a dealer made me so paranoid that I tried anything that I could get legally so I would have an 'endless' supply I could get on my own. That meant becoming a full blown alcoholic, Benadryl addict, and Robitussin addict. Thank God spice and bath salts hadn't gotten big yet. I totally would have gone there and that would have gotten nasty.