bcschul

Hello all, any feedback/ advice would be more than appreciated... So here goes:

Little background, have known my girlfriend since high school, I'm 30 now, hadn't seen her in about 11 years then ran into her and we have been dating since December. She was completely open and upfront about everything regarding her addiction; she has recurring kidney stone, almost annually since she was 21. She was on oxy for 5 years then on suboxone for two years and last month decided this is enough… So she went through full on withdrawal, I stayed home with her a couple days from work to help with anything she needed. Then after she was feeling somewhat better, we went swimming at her aunt’s house, when we left, I saw she had a bag with two pills in it, they were norcos from her cousin. I got pretty upset why she would do that to herself, however I have no idea what she is going through so went with it. Ended up feeling like **** again, hard for her to go to work etc… Fast forward three weeks, went out with my friend in the city Saturday, came home hung out Sunday… Then on Tuesday, I drop her off at her work after lunch, and she sneezes, I say “are you getting sick” she says (nonchalantly) oh I relapsed this weekend… I was ******* shocked, had no idea, so drilled her about how she could do that etc, she lost it, was super pissed off. Which in retrospect I completely understand, I drove her away and mad her angry and upset, and she probably wanted to get pills, so I feel like absolute **** about this occurrence. I was mainly upset that she didn’t tell me on the weekend when she took them, however I am ecstatic that she was honest and did end up telling me. SO my question is how do I support her in her recovery? How do I handle her lapsing and then feeling like **** for a week? She will not openly talk about this **** either, she does not talk about feelings or what’s on her mind, etc… Is there a way to maybe ease into a conversation about this? Ironically I lost my brother to heroin 6 years ago, and all I did with him is fight, and I cannot repeat my mistakes with the girl I love… Please help!!

AlwaysGrowing

Walk away. Trying to fix her to save your brother will only take you down as well. She doesn't really want to stop and isn't ready. You can't make her, fix her or be of legit blame for her. Note she had a problem BEFORE she met you again.

Dee74

Welcome bcschul
AlAnon/NarAnon have a saying - the 3 C's- with regards to a loved ones addiction

you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I think everyone, whether they do Alanon/Naranon or not, needs to accept those three precepts.

I'm not going to give you relationship advice - thats not my place - but I do urge you to find support for yourself - learn about boundaries, learn about living with a loved one who's addicted.

We have some great Family and Friends forums here - I hope you'll check them out too

D

DisplacedGRITS

you can fox someone's addiction. they have to come to recovery on their own. i cannot imagine how hard it is to watch someone self destruct but confrontation won't help. you can support her in her recovery by supporting her recovery as she comes to it. let her know that. you won't push or drag her into it but neither will you support her decision to keep using. if she decides to keep using, you have to decide how that's going to effect your life and how you're going to deal with that kind of relationship. how invested you're going to be in that. it may sound harsh but as an alcoholic i know that no outside force could have made me sober. until i wanted it for me it wasn't going to happen. when she wants it for herself, be there to drive her to meetings and appointments, hold her hand through withdrawls, help her eat right and if you find she's relapsed at some point, don't push recovery on her. she's obviously not ready on her own yet. we're not children to be led by the nose. we know that fire is hot. it's up to us to stop sticking our hands into the friggin flames.

bcschul

Trying to fix her to save my brother? What are you talking about? I have no issues with my brother death, I don't sit up and think about him and cry, he made his choices and I don't feel bad about his OD, never did. I'm not a sympathetic person that's why I fought with him...

I am looking for advice on how to be supportive to her, and really, walk away? That's real supportive... This is not a girl who is a degenerate and steals etc etc... She has a great job, good outlook on life, and you say walk away? She is ready to be clean, I'm sure 75%+ of the people with opiate addictions lapse, you my friend are a ******* *******...