rdlesstraveled

I am glad that I found this forum!!!

I am a 35 year old female and a ACOA. I have been in counseling for YEARS, thought I had come to grips with this ACOA thing (in fact my father has been sober for years now) but now that I am dating a recovering alcoholic, old wounds have suddenly burst open.

I am at a stage in which I am mad at the disease, mad at alcohol and I am mad that this disease has infiltrated and hurt so many families. I am mad that my boyfriend is struggling (he sooo wants to stay sober) and I am just mad.

I started going to Al Anon/ ACOA meetings again.

Has anyone else gone through this stage? And if so, any suggestions????

OhBoy

Yup. I'm knee deep in it now. My AF found recovery when I was about 14 I think (I'm in my late 30's now), he worked his program every day & was sober for about 25 years until he passed a few years ago. Now I'm dealing with my wife who is an active alcoholic. There are times when I think I have given WAYYYYYY to much of myself to this disease, & I too become very angry at this F'n disease. Behind anger is fear, recognizing where there fear is coming from helps me to let it go.

I was amazed at how my upbringing as a codependent really blossomed into super codie with my AW. I didn't realize it for many years. As her disease progressed, so did mine. Just like alcoholism sneaks into some people, codependency snuck into mine. It maybe something you want to be aware of in a relationship with an RA.

Now that I'm dealing with my AW, pain I haven't experienced in years is flooding my brain. What helps me is that he DID find recovery & at the end we had the relationship we both wanted. He was special. But there are times when I feel like a 11 year old boy again begging & pleading, kicking & screaming & not understanding why. Luckily I found Alanon & I can stop it before I get out of control. I'm learning to detach from the disease. This horrible disease.

Learning the 3 C's helps me from getting too entangled in it (when I let it).
I didn't CAUSE it.
I can't CONTROL it.
I can't CURE it.

But ya, the anger at alcoholism is easy. Way too easy! It takes so much out of you & affects every one it touches. The anger doesn't do much for my serenity so I try to replace those thoughts with positive ones. It's that easy (ya right!)

Alanon sounds like a good idea to me! Posting here helps me as well, especially when I'm ready to explode & need to vent.

OhBoy

rdlesstraveled

OhBoy,

Thank you for your post. My father has been sober for several years as well (since I was 17?) and I am 35, so our stories are quite similar.

I think that I have this fantasy that I am one of the reasons my boyfriend is in recovery (I mean, what an ego boost, right?!). My father gave up drinking after my mother said that she had raised her kids and now was free to go. So I saw her as "all powerful" and since I didn't feel like I had any power or voice at all as a kid, I can now replicate this story. (this would in a sense, heal my "father wounds" as well as my "mother wounds")

I never knew my father was an alcoholic (mother hid it from my brother and I). He was a "passive" alcoholic meaning that he wasn't mean, didn't abuse us and always went to work (never took a sick day). As a kid I KNEW there was something wrong, but didn't know what until age 17/18?? My mother was "Mom and dad" I was conflicted as a girl because how can one person have sooooo much power and how can my father have none?? So at first I was mad at my mom (thought she was mean), then I took on her anger at my dad (at the time I had no idea what I was mad at).

Fast forward to my twenties. I used my looks to "hook" men. To me, they gave me the affirmation that I was beautiful and alive. I think every man I dated was raised by their mothers ONLY (interesting) and they all had issues (workaholic, drugs, alcohol). I tried to date "normies" but they bored me to tears and all seemed to want to lasso me in (get married, have 2.5 kids, white picket fence). I wanted the messed up ones...... wanted to heal with someone..... my other half.

Now I am 35. I have years of therapy under my belt and thought that I was over this alcohol problem........ alas, here it comes in the guise of a "soulmate" both of us using the other to fill the voids and holes in our souls. A tragic love story that I have dreamed of since I was a kid. My question is how do you lose this? How do I give up something I have dreamed of since a child?

You are right....... anger does nothing and will only hurt myself more. But this whole thing is just over my head and I need to hand it over to a higher power.

Thank you

OhBoy

Oh yeah! I am SOOOO attracted to women who look like they need to be saved! I need to be knight in shining armor rescuing the princess from the evil prince so I can totally relate. It brings me to my "comfort zone" so to speak. I KNOW what it feels like to be in that kind of relationship from seeing it in my parents, the chaos is comforting. I know how to react. I know how I will react. Too bad ITS ALL WRONG! It's not fair! That's how I was raised, it has to be right, right? uugghhh!

My father was never abusive either, just drank & passed out. That was what a father was. My mom was depressed all the time. They never showed any love, that's what a relationship was. As I became aware of the problem my father had with drinking, I began to do all the codie things. We agreed he would cut down. I was winning! Shortly after that he got very sick & was hospitalized & couldn't drink. He got out, was a dry drunk for a few months & then he was back where he left off. I did all the codie things again & then he checked himself into rehab & it stuck. I won. I beat alcoholism all by myself. I think that is why I am attracted to problematic people, I CAN fix them. That "worked" until my wifes drinking got WAY out of control.

Nope, I can't fix it. I can't fix her. Damn disease, you let me win last time! Now that I know a lot more about this disease, I realize my FATHER won, not me. HE beat alcoholism, not me. That's why my codie mind throws temper tantrums & I get angry. Well it's one of the reasons I get angry.

I think for me the answer will be to change my way of thinking, recognizing it is not healthy & start thinking in a healthy way. Alanon seems to be a good fit for me, even though it makes my inner codie scream like kid who just dropped his lolly pop! I find some things difficult to accept, but know they are the right way of thinking for me.
OhBoy

rdlesstraveled

"even though it makes my inner codie scream like kid who just dropped his lolly pop! I find some things difficult to accept, but know they are the right way of thinking for me."

Wow! I couldn't have said that better myself OhBoy!

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Our lives were pretty much identical (except that you are male and I am female and my father is still alive). It is interesting to see
how regardless of our sexes, our reactions were/are the same.

Thank god for this forum and thank god for you! I don't feel so alone. Ya know I think that we actually were "normal" in a totally "not normal" environment. Our parallel stories affirm this, so we are still just reacting as our kid selves were........

DavidG

Hi y'all, this is a good topic. I am 61 years of age and have been through it all...

I had to re-package anger and call it what is was- R A G E... it consumed me, and it tore my body apart.

I saw anger and fear as two side of the same coin... inside of that was shame and blame... a heap of mixed up emotions... I come from the Alanon base and am still a member, ACA online- my nearest group is a long long way away...

a daily dose of ESH is good medicine...
the rewards at the end are well worth it!7


-DavidG.

tromboneliness

That is exactly what the Laundry List item -- I forget which one it is, and with a cat in my lap, I don't want to get up and look -- means, that says, "we tend to 'love' people we can 'pity' and 'rescue.'"

I can only speak on the basis of one data point -- having only ever had one relationship, which started when I was 30 and is still going (I'm 49) -- but we tend to be attracted to alcoholics. You go to an Al-Anon or ACA meeting and people will say, "I can walk into a room full of people, and I'll find the one alcoholic in the room, and get involved with them." Happens to us all the time.

But it's not all bad -- in fact, a lot of it is good, in the end. I'm one of those people who feel "grateful" that they have had this characteristic, because it leads to lessons that can't be learned any other way. I used to wonder why things happened to me, why my life wasn't going the way I wanted it to, and so on. Then, this "bad" thing happened -- I got involved with someone (after years of being alone and unhappy), which was good... until she turned out to be an alcoholic, got very ill, almost died, etc., etc., etc. Well, I got into the program, started learning about "the things I cannot change, the things I can," and so forth... And started understanding my life as a whole a lot better, in terms of why things happen, why it makes no sense to obsess about things that are out of my control (which is what most people spend their entire lives doing), and how I start to feel a lot better once I focus on the things that are under my control and let go of the others. This is true at home, at work, in social settings, in politics... everywhere. That's the secret ingredient -- this stuff works everywhere, not just with alcoholics! We are brought up thinking -- I guess it's just somehow natural to think -- that we can and should try to get people to do whatever it is that they "should" do, so they'll be "better off." Well, you know what? That is just not how it works. We can't make people see that they're not doing what they should, and that things would be so much better if only they'd do it our way.

Once I started getting that idea -- really getting it, I mean, and applying it to every part of my life, on a daily basis, whenever I had any kind of interaction with people (alcoholic or not) -- that is when the benefits really started to kick in. It lowered my stress level on just about everything, because instead of thinking, "things will be great, just as soon as people start seeing that they need to do it my way -- because I'm right," I started to focus on myself -- the thing I can change and control (to some extent, anyway) -- and not on things that were out of my hands. That's when you can feel your blood pressure come down about 20 points, and "serenity" starts sneaking up on you.

Anyhow, despite the 16-year medallion in my pocket, I still have a long way to go -- but life just starts to make a lot more sense when you start automatically identifying "things I can't change" and "things I can" and focusing your energy on the latter. It's that "wisdom to know the difference," of course, that's the hard part!

T

PlasticInsanity

I found out about "this" a year or so ago; I first sought help for depression and was told I'm an ACA. When they first told me I was just livid - I thought they didn't understand what I was trying to say, because 'everybody's parents drink'. After some research I discovered the ugly truth, which made me feel sad that it's gone on for so long.

I'm still really angsty about it now, though. I think what makes me angry the most is how much I'm affected by it, and although recovery is possible, I feel really helpless most of the time.

DesertEyes

One of the things that helped me the most in ACoA is that business of a "inventory" in steps 4 and 5. That forced me to sit, think and write out my understanding of my character "defects" as they relate to my parent's boozing and my own behaviors.

I found out that I have that "need to rescue" that others have mentioned in this thread. Just the same as most ACoA's. I discovered that there is a "character trait" that most people have called "empathy". That is something I had never seen in my own family, but apparently it is common in human beings. In my case I have that "empathy", except that by being raised in a toxic family my empathy became obsessive and turned into the co-dependent need to rescue. If I can lower the volume on my empathy it stops being a defect and becomes a normal trait.

If I lower it too much then it becomes a different defect called "indiference".

All my co-dependent defects are just normal human traits that I have allowed to explode into an extreme. In fact, my whole life has been one of extremes. That concept of "balance" is something of which I am wholly ignorant. I know it exists, and if I work at it with dilligence I sometimes pass thru the point of balance on my way to the opposite extreme. With time and practice I am getting better, I don't swing anywhere near as far as I used to, and I do it a lot slower now.

For me, understanding that I am actually a normal person, but with my various "traits" pushed to extremes, explained all my behaviors and fears and emotions and all that "stuff" I had been struggling with. Being raised in a toxic family is what initially pushed those traits to the extreme, which is how I survived. Once I left that family I found that it was comfortable and easy to keep the extremes, even provided a bit of an "adrenaline charge" and lots of empty boosts to my ego.

Kind of like being addicted to caffeine. No nutritional value, great charge, and lots of trouble to get rid of.

I don't rescue anymore. Instead I participate with others in organized volunteer efforts. Food drives, recycling drives, visiting folks in the hospital. I am helping instead of rescuing. I am part of a community instead of a lone knight. I find it feels much better, and does more good.

Ok, so I'm not perfect. I still have the urge to rescue now and again, and the neighbors have a bad habit of bringing me abandoned kittens. But that is _their_ bad habit

Mike

emeraldsea

My jaw dropped when I read this. Its so spot on. I knew had never put that feeling into words before.

I never related to the classic description of a rescuer. For me, the most seductive thing about being with someone with issues is the hope that his issues means that he will fully understand me and my issues.

And honestly there is some truth to that. I have to say that my ABF does 'get' things about me and my past that normies do not. But the price to pay for that is so high. Just understanding my issues is not a recipe for a healthy relationship.

And yes, there is the dream of mutual healing. That out of that shared understanding we will support and love each other toward health. We will save each other.

Wow. Thanks for opening my eyes to that pattern.

Kialua

I stayed as far away from drinking men that I could and have never had alcohol in my home. My husband never drank, just didn't like it and preferred not to for my sake. He knew my alcoholic Dad as we were growing up. I don't have the tendency to fix men, but I do notice most of my girlfriends are pretty messed up and I do "rescue" them. Not in the drinking aspect but with who they date, how they raise kids, keep house, etc. I too find the "normies' boring and stuck up as far as women friends go.

I've noticed this for a long time but couldn't quite put my finger on it, and this thread has finally put a explanation on it for me. Thanks.