Need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 90
Need advice
I left my xagf because she had become abusive. She sent me an email saying that she was moving from our former apt in 3 weeks and that I needed to pick up all of my stuff or else she would pack up my stuff and leave it at my job. Also, she was on my health insurance, tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized 6-8 weeks ago. The insurance company is sending checks for her care in my name. She is demanding that I meet with her to endorse the checks at her bank. What do you suggest that I do?
I was planning to call the landlord to confirm that she gave notice since the lease ends in December. I don't need my stuff, but think I should get it. She mailed my stepmom a box of my clothes last week. Some sort of oil had been poured on them. She also included a used purple dildo in the box sent to my stepmom. However, the landlord tells me she lost her keys when she got drunk and had a locksmith change the locks. I have no way of getting my stuff without seeing her since my keys won't work in the lock. But I don't want her to send my boss my stuff with weird sex stuff or other weird stuff mixed in.
Am gonna get a lawyer and have her mail the checks to the lawyer, have the lawyer foreward them to me. Then I'll deposit them into my account and send her a personal check or money order. I'm not going to the bank with her to double endorse a check in front of the teller. I don't want to see her again. She abuses me.
I was planning to call the landlord to confirm that she gave notice since the lease ends in December. I don't need my stuff, but think I should get it. She mailed my stepmom a box of my clothes last week. Some sort of oil had been poured on them. She also included a used purple dildo in the box sent to my stepmom. However, the landlord tells me she lost her keys when she got drunk and had a locksmith change the locks. I have no way of getting my stuff without seeing her since my keys won't work in the lock. But I don't want her to send my boss my stuff with weird sex stuff or other weird stuff mixed in.
Am gonna get a lawyer and have her mail the checks to the lawyer, have the lawyer foreward them to me. Then I'll deposit them into my account and send her a personal check or money order. I'm not going to the bank with her to double endorse a check in front of the teller. I don't want to see her again. She abuses me.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
She has some behaviors related to untreated severe Borderline Personality Disorder. You might pick up a book called "Walking on Eggshells" and see if you recognize your experience in it, as that could help you heal from this terrible episode in your life. Addiction is common in borderlines.
It is so difficult to navigate a situation with a person who has no hold on reality and is completely erratic and volatile. Any sane act on your part can evoke an insane act on hers.
But your decision not to be in the same room with her is the right one.
You might call the landlord, find out about the lease, her notice to move out, etc. and let the landlord know that you are willing to fetch your things the day after she moves out and has turned in the key, if he would be willing to let you into the apartment to do so. This protects you from any issues regarding property damage, theft, etc. if the landlord is present. It is important to have a third party with you if you go to the apartment, you should not meet her there alone.
Unfortunately she may be mailing more of your things with shocking items sprinkled in for effect, as she is out of her mind. One hopes she just doesn't have the time or money to bother. But you will not be able to reason with her as you know. Deal with the fallout but don't deal with her. She is too dangerous.
Do what the lawyer recommends regarding the checks.
You must feel raw. I'm sorry for such a traumatic time and hope you will keep your life as simple and quiet as possible for the next several months to allow yourself to heal.
Others here may have better ideas about getting your things. My hope is that you will be all right, no matter what the outcome.
It is so difficult to navigate a situation with a person who has no hold on reality and is completely erratic and volatile. Any sane act on your part can evoke an insane act on hers.
But your decision not to be in the same room with her is the right one.
You might call the landlord, find out about the lease, her notice to move out, etc. and let the landlord know that you are willing to fetch your things the day after she moves out and has turned in the key, if he would be willing to let you into the apartment to do so. This protects you from any issues regarding property damage, theft, etc. if the landlord is present. It is important to have a third party with you if you go to the apartment, you should not meet her there alone.
Unfortunately she may be mailing more of your things with shocking items sprinkled in for effect, as she is out of her mind. One hopes she just doesn't have the time or money to bother. But you will not be able to reason with her as you know. Deal with the fallout but don't deal with her. She is too dangerous.
Do what the lawyer recommends regarding the checks.
You must feel raw. I'm sorry for such a traumatic time and hope you will keep your life as simple and quiet as possible for the next several months to allow yourself to heal.
Others here may have better ideas about getting your things. My hope is that you will be all right, no matter what the outcome.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
The insurance company is sending checks for her care in my name.
does this me the money from the insurance company is for her care that is given by someone?
i think you have the right idea of goin to a lawyer and asking him/her for the legal way to deal with it. IMO, if she isnt entitled to it, dont give it to her.
as for the belonings and from what you say, i would highly suggest squaring up with the landlord and doin what ya want with em before a scene happens at your workplace.
from what i have read in some of your past threads, she is a classic example of an alcoholic.
ive been in the position of a relationship with an alcoholic/addict ( and that was after i got into recovery). theres not a dam thing wrong with getting law enforcement involved to protect yourself if necessary. she is a sick woman but you dont have to be a doormat.
you may want to ask your lawyer about your rights in that part,too.
if you do have to see her again,take a witness!
does this me the money from the insurance company is for her care that is given by someone?
i think you have the right idea of goin to a lawyer and asking him/her for the legal way to deal with it. IMO, if she isnt entitled to it, dont give it to her.
as for the belonings and from what you say, i would highly suggest squaring up with the landlord and doin what ya want with em before a scene happens at your workplace.
from what i have read in some of your past threads, she is a classic example of an alcoholic.
ive been in the position of a relationship with an alcoholic/addict ( and that was after i got into recovery). theres not a dam thing wrong with getting law enforcement involved to protect yourself if necessary. she is a sick woman but you dont have to be a doormat.
you may want to ask your lawyer about your rights in that part,too.
if you do have to see her again,take a witness!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 90
The money is reimbursement for money she paid to her doctors. Because I a the primary on the insurance, the checks are made out to me. But the checks are her money and I dont feel that I morally have a claim on them.
I wasn't ready for marriage, but we became domestic partners. She won't give me her new address and she switched offices so I know of no address for her. Domestic partnerships are dissolved with certified letters. I was going to hold off on ending the domestic partnership to give her some time to calm down. If she's moving in 3 weeks, I'm going to officially end the partnership next week while I still have a mailing address for her to receive letters or have a process server serve the papers. I'm worried that she'll do something rash and either hurt herself or hurt me when she gets the papers.
I wasn't ready for marriage, but we became domestic partners. She won't give me her new address and she switched offices so I know of no address for her. Domestic partnerships are dissolved with certified letters. I was going to hold off on ending the domestic partnership to give her some time to calm down. If she's moving in 3 weeks, I'm going to officially end the partnership next week while I still have a mailing address for her to receive letters or have a process server serve the papers. I'm worried that she'll do something rash and either hurt herself or hurt me when she gets the papers.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Does the landlord have an email address?
Once you speak with him by phone, you can follow up with an email to him, confirming your conversation that he will meet with you to grant you access to the apartment--so that you may remove your personal belongings-- once the present tenant (exagf) has moved out and turned in the key. And that you will wait for further information from him regarding day and time. Send him the email and cc it to your exagf without explanation or comment.
If the insurance reimbursement is owed her directly, I suggest you call your insurance company and ask they put a stop on the checks and reissue new checks directly to her, in her name, at the address of the apartment.
If the insurance reimbursement is not owed to her but is in fact money you should be collecting, I would still call the insurance company, explain that the checks have been intercepted by your ex-girlfriend who refuses to pass them on to you. Ask if the insurance company can put a stop on the checks and re-issue the reimbursements to you at your current mailing address.
But, you may have to just take the matter to an attorney. You'll know when you have more information from the insurance company.
I would not discuss the matter with your exagf at all. If she shows up at your work or your home to harrass you and will not leave, call the police.
A few months with a counselor might help you process everything and help you move forward. Just being validated by a professional counselor is very healing.
Once you speak with him by phone, you can follow up with an email to him, confirming your conversation that he will meet with you to grant you access to the apartment--so that you may remove your personal belongings-- once the present tenant (exagf) has moved out and turned in the key. And that you will wait for further information from him regarding day and time. Send him the email and cc it to your exagf without explanation or comment.
If the insurance reimbursement is owed her directly, I suggest you call your insurance company and ask they put a stop on the checks and reissue new checks directly to her, in her name, at the address of the apartment.
If the insurance reimbursement is not owed to her but is in fact money you should be collecting, I would still call the insurance company, explain that the checks have been intercepted by your ex-girlfriend who refuses to pass them on to you. Ask if the insurance company can put a stop on the checks and re-issue the reimbursements to you at your current mailing address.
But, you may have to just take the matter to an attorney. You'll know when you have more information from the insurance company.
I would not discuss the matter with your exagf at all. If she shows up at your work or your home to harrass you and will not leave, call the police.
A few months with a counselor might help you process everything and help you move forward. Just being validated by a professional counselor is very healing.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I hadn't read your last post while typing my response. I understand now the money is her reimbursement.
I just want to say I hope you will get the help you need for this crisis in your life. And if you feel your safety is threatened, you can call 1-800-799-SAFE for advice about how to handle things.
I just want to say I hope you will get the help you need for this crisis in your life. And if you feel your safety is threatened, you can call 1-800-799-SAFE for advice about how to handle things.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: OK
Posts: 26
Regarding the insurance checks.... Those payments may actually need to be "forwarded" to the physician and/or facility where she was treated. Some insurance companies will not accept assignment if the provider is not a contracted provider with your insurance. With that said, I would do the following:
Call your insurance company and inquire if payment was made to the physician and/or facility and find out exactly what the payment to you is for.
Then try calling each physician/facility and inquire if you are listed as the guarantor.
If payment was NOT made to the physician/facility but paid to you, and you determine you are listed as the guarantor on her claims.... Get those checks, cash them and pay the healthcare bills. Otherwise she get's the money and you get stuck with medical bills that may end up affecting your credit.
I have done medical billing for almost 20 years, so I would be glad to help again if need be!
So sorry you are going through all this!!
Call your insurance company and inquire if payment was made to the physician and/or facility and find out exactly what the payment to you is for.
Then try calling each physician/facility and inquire if you are listed as the guarantor.
If payment was NOT made to the physician/facility but paid to you, and you determine you are listed as the guarantor on her claims.... Get those checks, cash them and pay the healthcare bills. Otherwise she get's the money and you get stuck with medical bills that may end up affecting your credit.
I have done medical billing for almost 20 years, so I would be glad to help again if need be!
So sorry you are going through all this!!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
The best legal advice you can get has already been given.
Talk to a lawyer and cover the whole situation. The checks, ending the relationship and getting your things. They will be thinking clearly, know what you can and can't do legally and may already have experience in these types of situations.
Good luck and keep coming back.
Your friend,
Talk to a lawyer and cover the whole situation. The checks, ending the relationship and getting your things. They will be thinking clearly, know what you can and can't do legally and may already have experience in these types of situations.
Good luck and keep coming back.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: OK
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by KRA 
I never signed any of her hospital paperwork saying that I was responsible for billing. Can they go after me for any owed monies just because she was on my health insurance?
That depends. There are some offices/facilities that will put primary insured information in guarantor info as well. If you have ever gone with her previously and signed anything, that information may carry over as well. If that info is in place when she recently went, and she stated there was no change in info, that info will still be there.
Better safe than sorry, at least check it out and make sure. Your health insurance should give you the answer, better yet, most major insurance companies are online and you can obtain a copy of the actual EOB that should tell you as well what was paid and to whom.
Hope this helps!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 90
Called the insurance company. I am not responsible for her medical bills. However, they will only send the reimbursement checks to me. So I will have to cash the checks and then mail her a check or $ order to reimburse her. I don't want to have diret contact with her, so need to hire a buffer. Would a lawyer do that?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
A lawyer, a paralegal, an accountant - yes you can pay someone to be the intermediary. Or simply cash the checks, mail her a new check in her name, with copies of the original check and any paperwork that comes with it. Stamps are pretty inexpensive, and you can do a receipt required mailing where she has to sign when she receives each check, and you keep a record of sent and received checks.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Yes a lawyer will do that. The lawyer can make a copy of the check you received - you'll give the money to the lawyer, and the law office will write her a check. It will cost you something but in this circumstance I think it will be well worth it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 90
Can't find a lawyer to act as an intermediary. Was told that I'm going to have a hard time getting someone to do that because xagf is so volatile. Also called a domestic violence hotline about this and they didn't have any advice to give.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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It is possible to use Western Union to wire money to an individual without knowing that individual's address, I think.
Perhaps you can call the insurance company and get the total amount of the reimbursed charges, ask them to put a stop on those checks, and then wire the amount to Western Union location in your city where your exagf can collect the money simply by showing her ID. Email exagf to let her know the money is there at that Western Union location.
Trying to help you figure out how not to ever see her again!
Perhaps you can call the insurance company and get the total amount of the reimbursed charges, ask them to put a stop on those checks, and then wire the amount to Western Union location in your city where your exagf can collect the money simply by showing her ID. Email exagf to let her know the money is there at that Western Union location.
Trying to help you figure out how not to ever see her again!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
If you cant find an intermediary I think you are safe to send her a personal check by certified mail along with a copy of original. I'm assuming your checks do not contain address info she doesn't already have. You know if she cashes the check, unlike a money order.
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