sevenofnine

In a way, things are trucking along in a 'best case scenario for addiction'...he is clean. he is attending NA, he has a sponsor, he is starting to work on his steps. We are both attending marriage counseling. There has still been some of the 'old' relationship behaviours going on, but there has been a lot of progress too.

So I let him move back in. Our marriage counselor suggested it.

Now, kicking him out was not easy- I have a chronic pain problem (sidenote- boy am I lucky AH likes uppers, not my opiate prescriptions, because if he stole them I'd be so screwed) which means that I literally can't do it all on my own as a single mom, and kicking him out meant that it was time to think about selling my house and getting easier digs to care for-maybe even moving in with my parents (surely as crazy making as any addict), and wondering about how I will make enough income alone when I don't seem to be able to actually work full time, plus figure out how to make meals and care for kids when I feel like I can't stand up. Oh, and of course the crushing sadness of losing my bestie/worrying my kids' dad would be stuck in addiction forever. so much to handle over the last few months. Its been a real struggle.

And so naturally it was welcome that, as AH (i should really say RAH) has been 'following the rules' as much as possible--working at following the counselor's advice and at NA--we have slowly moved from supervised meet ups to him coming just for suppers in the evening, to him moving back in.

I'm just having a lot of trouble still. so much anger over the months he left me on my own. so much fear that he will relapse again in a few years- he usually goes a few between his one day long/day or two benders, then feels remorseful, changes, treats me nice, then bam! out of left field, another one comes up. Since this has happened before, i know i am capable of falling in love with him again. (funny side note- if he hadn't had the relapses, imagine how in love we'd be now, seeing as he has managed to start from scratch and build up our love back about five times).

I know there is no pot of gold at the end of either rainbow-staying or going, but for some reason I'm not feeling the peace I want to. I keep having lingering thoughts about just moving on and just putting my energy into other friendships and accepting being lonely for romance, but at least being in control.

I guess i'm having trouble with the fact that I let him back in. I did it at the advice of the marriage counselor, because she pointed out that it is clear to see he is trying his best to earn his way back in piece by piece. I only went to the counselor because I have a stepson and have learned the *JOY* of custody issues and at least wanted things to be amicable if Ah and I were splitting up. but now it has been a key force in building back our relationship, and part of me is afraid that I only let him back because of the pressure from my parents and the marriage counselor.

All I know is that I don't feel 'in love'. and I'm not sure if that is ok, because it just takes time to heal and fall in new love. Or if I am just giving in to my fears about single parenthood and I'd be better off alone. Should I have just stuck with the call I made to split up in may, even if RAH is now in recovery or is it ok to give him a chance?

I know that only I can make that call ultimately, and only I can decide for myself what is ok for me, but in general, is it ok to let a recovering addict back in again? does that count as not standing by my boundary? why would such a 'rule' even make a difference to me?!? I know I should do what I want to do, I'm just having such a hard time figuring out what it is that I do want.

Maybe freedom from this decision was part of the peace I had found while on my own. I could tell anyone "we broke up because of his addiction and relapsing" and feel like I was absolved, because obviously he was the one who wrecked things. So it was easiest when things were at their worst, because then I could see it was clear that I needed to leave and move on. Now that things aren't at their worst, and they are actually even pretty good, knowing what the right thing to do is turns out to be really difficult to decide.

Thanks for reading through all this! I'm not really looking for advice on what to do so much as what to ask myself in order to think this through properly so I can just pick a side and get busy making that side work.

LoveMeNow

Hi sevenofnine -

Just curious, are you going to ala-non or nar-anon meetings and are you seeing a counselor alone? Do you have any issues with his time away at NA meetings?

Thank you, LMN

amaslow

Oh yea.. I had a marriage couselor push me into that too once, 22 years ago... What a mistake!! You have a right to feel comfortable with your decisions.... Take the issue back to the table!!

HopefulGF65

You have the right to feel whatever you feel and to follow what your heart and inner voice is telling you. You can't rush feelings, and you're only adding to your full plate by letting guilt into the picture.

If your husband is working the program as you say, he should understand your doubts and concerns and give you the space you need to sort things out.

there is never a right or wrong answer and no one but you truly knows what feels right. Just follow what your gut is telling you. If you need more time, please take it.

Good luck to you

lesliej

actually there is some syndrome where the reel in/cast out form of love is more "addictive" than the constant supply. if you hadn't started over from scratch several times you might actually NOT be more in love. the lack of consistency creates a stronger addictive bond on the emotional level. must go google now...

sevenofnine

Thanks for the replies.
lovemenot, I am not currently seeing my own counselor, attending nar-anon/al-anon. I guess I really should because I feel like I'm really in over my head here.
I don't have a problem with RAH's attending NA, and we even were talking about having me go to one of his meetings to see whats going on. I Think its fine that he is developing a support net beyond me, as being his only support felt overwhelming. I welcome the idea of him making some new close friends.
And lesliej, that is really food for thought. another really solid reason to seek out some counseling of my own.

I wish I had more time to figure this out. I have to make a choice soon/now about the fall, as RAH and I both are students and will be going back to school. We need to have our living situation decided before then (so he could be looking for a new place now).
In my head, I have told myself that even if I let him move back, that doesn't mean I have to have made up my mind... If I'm still feeling this unsure in a few months, I would def end this. For right now though, its hard to know if I'm unhappy because the relationship is all wrong, or if its because I've just been through so much I need time to heal.

Jody675

have you thought about sleeping in separate rooms and be like room mates for awhile to see what happens?

but it does sounds like you felt pressured, so don't be scared about bring that up. if you don't want him there while you sort yourself out thats ok too. you ARE allowed to change your mind. just have to do what is right for YOU, like he is doing what is right for HIM.

good luck and hope you can find your right path.

sevenofnine

yeah, jody, we are doing separate rooms right now. Of course we were doing that long before all this junk came up because of his snoring and my inability to get a good nights sleep. Our one year old is still up for a bottle a few times a night, so RAH takes night duty.

RAH came in to the room as I was typing this, and I opened up a little about how I feel so mixed up. I told him that since being with him means accepting a huge insecurity about a future that almost surely holds another relapse, then its not too much to ask for him to be willing to live with (at least for a little while) my own unsureness. because it bothered me that I felt like he would only be committed to me if he knew we'd be together in the end, and if not, then he'd jump ship.

anyway, I don't know if its all this fence sitting which is making me so tired, or if it is just my period coming on.