I wonder if he's feeling regret
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I wonder if he's feeling regret
Last week my RAH told me that he loves me and misses me, in an email. He called the other night to tell me that he'd had a long talk with his best friend and has now decided that we need to talk and to open the lines of communication. Today he again told me he loves me. He told me that he ended his relationship with "her".
It's everything I wanted and nothing I want.
It makes me so angry that as little as two weeks ago he told me his relationship is none of my business and now all of a sudden when it's convenient for him he wants to talk and to explain things to me.
He also said that he realizes that it is going to take a long time to regain my trust.
I love him, I put everything I had into my marriage and I don't know that there is anything left.
I don't know if this is (more) manipulation or genuine. I don't know if I'm projecting what he wants. Perhaps he's just being honest and wants to talk about what has happened and is happening but isn't necessarily looking toward reconciliation.
This just sucks. It's not how it's supposed to be. I have known him my whole life and was good friends with his brother. We reconnected over 18 years ago at a bar no less. He was so handsome and charming. I wish I could go back to that girl and tell her not to be fooled and to look beyond the pretty blue eyes. I wish I could warn myself of all the danger ahead.
It's everything I wanted and nothing I want.
It makes me so angry that as little as two weeks ago he told me his relationship is none of my business and now all of a sudden when it's convenient for him he wants to talk and to explain things to me.
He also said that he realizes that it is going to take a long time to regain my trust.
I love him, I put everything I had into my marriage and I don't know that there is anything left.
I don't know if this is (more) manipulation or genuine. I don't know if I'm projecting what he wants. Perhaps he's just being honest and wants to talk about what has happened and is happening but isn't necessarily looking toward reconciliation.
This just sucks. It's not how it's supposed to be. I have known him my whole life and was good friends with his brother. We reconnected over 18 years ago at a bar no less. He was so handsome and charming. I wish I could go back to that girl and tell her not to be fooled and to look beyond the pretty blue eyes. I wish I could warn myself of all the danger ahead.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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I'm willing to bet my next year's salary it's manipulation. I don't know why you are talking to him. Stop looking at the past; it does not matter how long you have known him. Enough is enough, don't you think?
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Hey painfully,
I don't know your story but was your seperation from Ah your idea or his?
If it was his - because he found a new relationship - or for any reason at all, he took your power away. If my exah had left me after all the years I stood by his side trying to *help* him get sober, I would have been devastated. I would have felt like he took my power away. After all, *I* should be the one who gets to decide if the relationship was worth saving because *I* was the victim. How dare he take that step...that ungrateful little #$#%^$#@$ !! Does that sound about right?
Take your power back. Decide for YOURSELF...independent of what he says or does... whether he is someone you want to stay married to. Is he the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? If the answer is yes despite everything that has happened, than I guess you should go ahead and talk to him. If the answer is no...well...then take your power back and stop talking to him. Unhitch your cart from his horse.
Hugs...its tough...but you'll find your way....
Mary
I don't know your story but was your seperation from Ah your idea or his?
If it was his - because he found a new relationship - or for any reason at all, he took your power away. If my exah had left me after all the years I stood by his side trying to *help* him get sober, I would have been devastated. I would have felt like he took my power away. After all, *I* should be the one who gets to decide if the relationship was worth saving because *I* was the victim. How dare he take that step...that ungrateful little #$#%^$#@$ !! Does that sound about right?
Take your power back. Decide for YOURSELF...independent of what he says or does... whether he is someone you want to stay married to. Is he the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? If the answer is yes despite everything that has happened, than I guess you should go ahead and talk to him. If the answer is no...well...then take your power back and stop talking to him. Unhitch your cart from his horse.
Hugs...its tough...but you'll find your way....
Mary
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We all have regrets...it is part and parcel of being human and being alive.
BUT
if he is regretting anything to do with your breakup, and he says "he" wants "you", that is his business.
Ask yourself if "you want him", as husband, friend, lover or whoever to be in YOUR LIFE again?
If you are undecided about this, hold it right there.....that is a cautionary red flag.
You do not have to do a thing he wants, you only need consider what YOU need, want, desire, require and if he is not high up on the agenda.....he isn't there fo you.
He has changed his tune in the last 2 weeks, wonder what songbook he'll be singing from in another 2 weeks or so.
If you feel ok to chat this over with him, then go for it BUT consider every word he says as if it were going to be repeated in a law court and do not believe it all. Caution is a savior for those dealing with addicts, and that comment "I need to think about this, so I will get back to you", can give us time to think instead of jumping in the deep end.
BUT
if he is regretting anything to do with your breakup, and he says "he" wants "you", that is his business.
Ask yourself if "you want him", as husband, friend, lover or whoever to be in YOUR LIFE again?
If you are undecided about this, hold it right there.....that is a cautionary red flag.
You do not have to do a thing he wants, you only need consider what YOU need, want, desire, require and if he is not high up on the agenda.....he isn't there fo you.
He has changed his tune in the last 2 weeks, wonder what songbook he'll be singing from in another 2 weeks or so.
If you feel ok to chat this over with him, then go for it BUT consider every word he says as if it were going to be repeated in a law court and do not believe it all. Caution is a savior for those dealing with addicts, and that comment "I need to think about this, so I will get back to you", can give us time to think instead of jumping in the deep end.
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To me there is a difference between waking up and coming to your senses, and deciding to want to be in your relationship....
and realizing that the grass was not greener when the fantasy came crashing down.
One is about wanting to be with you, the other to me is about wanting a soft landing for him.
My guess is more will be revealed....
All feelings are "normal" in this kind of situation...in my opinion.
and realizing that the grass was not greener when the fantasy came crashing down.
One is about wanting to be with you, the other to me is about wanting a soft landing for him.
My guess is more will be revealed....
All feelings are "normal" in this kind of situation...in my opinion.
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I could have predicted that! Chances are he's not through waffling!! Are you ready for more heartbreak? As others have said...more will be revealed. Nothing has to be decided today or tomorrow. I'd just sit back and watch his actions, WHILE I am deciding for MYSELF what I want from my life partner. He treated you VERY badly and this fact should not be forgotten just because he wants what HE wants.
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Thank you all SO much.
You're so right, his decisions don't matter. I need to figure out what *I* want. And, right now I don't know what I want. Which tells me that being with him right now isn't right.
Of course I could be totally putting the cart before the horse and he may only want to talk so we can be good parents.
More will be revealed of course
You're so right, his decisions don't matter. I need to figure out what *I* want. And, right now I don't know what I want. Which tells me that being with him right now isn't right.
Of course I could be totally putting the cart before the horse and he may only want to talk so we can be good parents.
More will be revealed of course
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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I just read your OP again and like with so many other stories here, including my own, I notice the selfishness and self-centeredness AH is displaying. Two weeks ago it was none of your damn business and now he's opening up. No consideration whatsoever for how anyone else might feel, focused solely on what THEY want, and to hell with everyone else. And what is the point of telling you that after he had this conversation with his BF he came to this? BECAUSE he wants you to believe his lies. They always do that. They use their relationships with others to PROVE they are not lying. They tell you what they said to their mother, their father, their BF, whomever, to get you to think, "Certainly if he said that to his BF he must be telling the truth." and so we go on believing. But guess what? THEY LIE TO EVERYONE! They manipulate, use the pity party crap, and lie to everyone including their mothers.
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I never thought about this before but whenever my exah was trying to convince me that he had a 'come to jesus' moment (realizing he had messed up and proclaiming that he was now wiser and willing to change), he would ALWAYS say he had come to this point after discussing things with someone close to him (like his brother, a family friend, etc etc etc).
What's this all about? I never really thought about it. I'll admit...at first I thought the idea that he spoke to someone else gave some credibility to what he was saying for some strange reason. But after a while, it didn't matter. In fact, I doubted that he ever had any conversations with anyone because he was so wrapped up in protecting his image. I highly doubt my exah has had an honest conversation with anyone in years.
It's just strange...how they try to pull others into the discussion like this....
What's this all about? I never really thought about it. I'll admit...at first I thought the idea that he spoke to someone else gave some credibility to what he was saying for some strange reason. But after a while, it didn't matter. In fact, I doubted that he ever had any conversations with anyone because he was so wrapped up in protecting his image. I highly doubt my exah has had an honest conversation with anyone in years.
It's just strange...how they try to pull others into the discussion like this....
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Painfully, So in two very short weeks he has this amazing revelation, and all the pain and hurt he caused is to be swept under the rug??? He certainly is a self centered dumb azz, in my opinion.
His baiting tactics are disgusting.
Complete strangers treat each other with more respect than this guy has shown you. You, my friend are worthy of so much more than he can offer. Hugs)))
His baiting tactics are disgusting.
Complete strangers treat each other with more respect than this guy has shown you. You, my friend are worthy of so much more than he can offer. Hugs)))
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You are all so amazing. The insight I get here stuns me (and makes me want to smack myself).
Thank you, truly for every single one of you. You help so very much.
I never thought about the validating his revelations through others. It makes so much sense!
I offered to talk to him again today, but surprise surprise, he's busy tonight. I think it was just a way to once more keep me on the hook. Well, I'm not biting anymore.
Thank you, truly for every single one of you. You help so very much.
I never thought about the validating his revelations through others. It makes so much sense!
I offered to talk to him again today, but surprise surprise, he's busy tonight. I think it was just a way to once more keep me on the hook. Well, I'm not biting anymore.
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Best thing to remind myself is...nothing is an emergency except stopping children from running in front of cars, and similar.
Otherwise...deep breathing, calm down, all will be revealed, this is not an emergency to respond, take your time, give yourself as many days as you need...etc.
If it isn't bs...then it will hold true next week, and the next, and the next, if it takes you that long to decide if you even want to talk to him at all.
Meanwhile, you can decide if that's a good idea, or a bad one... as many years as he was drunk if necessary...hey, fair is fair right?
He didn't decide to get sober in a hurry, why should we feel that their desire for communication is some hurry emergency for us?
Otherwise...deep breathing, calm down, all will be revealed, this is not an emergency to respond, take your time, give yourself as many days as you need...etc.
If it isn't bs...then it will hold true next week, and the next, and the next, if it takes you that long to decide if you even want to talk to him at all.
Meanwhile, you can decide if that's a good idea, or a bad one... as many years as he was drunk if necessary...hey, fair is fair right?
He didn't decide to get sober in a hurry, why should we feel that their desire for communication is some hurry emergency for us?
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Originally Posted by painfully 
I offered to talk to him again today, but surprise surprise, he's busy tonight. I think it was just a way to once more keep me on the hook.
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Originally Posted by tjp613
So....what are his ACTIONS telling you?
That's my gut reaction. But, when I try to apply the things I'm learning in Al anon... I get a bit muddled. It's not about me, but it is about me. The tiny bit of me that's healing reminds the very sick part of me about things. But, I also think the sick part of me twists things to convince the tiny healed part of me into thinking things that keep me sick.
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